Brotherly Devotion
by goldentemptress
Summary: When you play with fire you're gonna get burned. Bella's marriage has gone stale, and she soon finds herself tied up in a web of deceit involving her young brother-in-law Edward. Adultery is just as complicated as it seems...BPOV, Rated M
1. Introduction

**For those of you new to the story, welcome...hope you enjoy...**

**Make sure that you are not faint at heart and can deal with mature themes, such as coarse language, sexual situations, adultery, illness, and depressi****on to name a few...**

**If you can't vote or buy a pack of cigarettes, move along, this story is not for you...**

**Plot of the story is © goldentemptress 2009-2010, but Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer...I just make them human and emo...**

**Thanks for coming along for the ride and sorry to keep those of you who made it through the hiatus waiting...**

**XXX goldentemptress OOO**


	2. Aquariums and Dangerous Attractions

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight...but I do own a copy of the Bush CD, **_**Razorblade Suitcase**_**...**

**A/N: This is the first installment of my continuation of the one shot called Suite 2226. It was originally done for a contest for fun, but the story sucked me in and I couldn't stop writing. I just want to give you all fair warning, this story contains adultery, and while I do not promote this behavior, I urge you all to keep an open mind. This is a fictional story and I want you all to enjoy it. **

**That brings up my next point; this story is intended for mature audiences. It is rated M for a reason and if you read Suite 2226 you know why. If you are a fourteen year old, close this story right now, because you should not be reading it. _Period_. I do check profiles when people review, so keep that in mind, I don't want underage readers reading this story, it was not written with your demographic in mind.**

**Songs mentioned in this chapter:  
**_**Don't Stop Believin'**_** ~ Journey, Greatest Hits**  
_**Mouth**_** ~ Bush, Razorblade Suitcase  
**_**Sex on Fire **_**~ Kings of Leon, Only By the Night  
**_**Use Somebody**_** ~ Kings of Leon, Only By the Night**

**There are also pics up on my profile for details and sights mentioned in this chapter...enjoy!**

* * *

**Aquariums and Dangerous Attractions**

A distinct buzzing sound in my ear roused me from a particularly uninteresting dream. Even my dream life was boring, it was beginning to become a little depressing. At twenty-six I never expected to be a stay at home housewife, it just wasn't something I had ever anticipated. I had worked diligently through undergrad and then during my masters to mold myself into the perfect teacher. Too bad I never actually got to put any of my education into practice.

I groaned when the light from the bathroom flicked on, and I could hear a low humming noise as the shower turned on. I hated the fact that I was a light sleeper, because even though I didn't have to get up at five in the morning to go to work, I was inevitably woken up by my husband's inability to be quiet in the morning.

I threw the covers up over my head and rolled over to block myself from the light streaming into the bedroom and attempted to force myself back to my dull dreams. I knew that it was futile, but I figured I may as well try to get back to sleep, even though I didn't actually have anything that I needed to be well rested for.

My dreams started to flicker in again as I fell back into unconsciousness, but soon enough, I was awoken again by my husband's boisterous laughter. I managed to get my legs caught in the comforter and roll myself off the edge of the bed in the process.

"Ouch," I grumbled as I pulled myself back up off the floor and glared across the bed at Emmett. He was standing across from me in his suit, holding a coffee cup in one hand and looking at me with an amused smirk on his face.

"That was quite impressive Bella. I mean, I know you are clumsy, but usually you don't roll yourself completely off the edge of the bed. I'm surprised you didn't take out the night stand on the way down."

"Shut it Em," I growled as I stalked past him and into the bathroom to wash my face and use the facilities.

When I reemerged, feeling more awake and less like I wanted to wipe the smirk off his face with the plunger, I was surprised to find him not in the bedroom.

"Em?" I called out as I walked down the hallway towards the kitchen at the other end of our Lincoln Park brownstone.

"In here babe," he called out from the living room, as I rounded the corner.

"Must you wake me up at five every morning?" I groaned as I flopped down onto the couch next to him.

"Oh come on Bells, it's not that early, and it's not good for you to sleep in anyways, then you never want to come to bed."

"Sorry if I don't feel like going to sleep when the geriatrics do Em; you know I hate going to bed at ten o'clock."

He laughed at me and placed his coffee cup on the table as he pulled himself up from the couch, newspaper in hand.

"I have a late meeting; I'll probably be back here by seven," he said as he bent down to kiss me on the forehead before he reached over to grab his briefcase.

"Any requests for dinner?" I called out as he headed towards the front door.

"Nah, surprise me. Later Bells."

"Love you too Em," I grumbled out as I pulled my laptop out of the basket beside the couch and turned it on.

_Now I was awake at six in the morning with nothing to do, yay!_

When I pulled up my email, I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that I actually had messages.

There were two from schools downtown saying that they got my contact information from the Northwestern teacher database, offering interviews for open positions in the upcoming semester. I quickly sent back responses that I was not currently on the market for a teaching position, biting the inside of my cheek the entire time because I hated that I couldn't get a job where I wanted to.

I knew that Em was just trying to protect me, not wanting me to teach at inner city schools for little or no pay, but sitting around waiting for stuffy private school academy teachers to retire was getting a little old. I wanted to teach and I didn't care where, I just didn't want to sit around wasting my education when I could be doing something productive.

After I got through turning down the perfectly good job prospects, I was pleasantly surprised by an email from Angela. We had known each other since our freshman year at Northwestern, and even though she ended up switching into Social Studies Education our sophomore year, we still managed to keep in touch. Ben, her boyfriend – now husband – had been the one to introduce me to Emmett all those years ago.

_From: cheneya(at)cmhsil(dot)edu_

_To: imcullen(at)cox(dot)net_

_Subject: Maternity Leave Job Lead_

_B~ _

_Got a lead at my school if you want to talk to Em. Composition teacher is going on maternity leave early. Let me know if you are interested and I can send you the info._

_Call me sometime this week, I want to see you before the school year starts. And no, getting drunk together at the office party next week does not count._

_~ Ang_

_Mrs. Angela Cheney_

_Curie_ _Metro High School_

_Grade 11 US History/Grade 12 Government_

I quickly shot back an email telling her thanks but no thanks, because I knew that Emmett would never go for it. If the school didn't have the words preparatory or academy in the title, he would never let me take the job. I hated that I let him have that much power over my job choices, but I knew that he was just concerned about me. Teaching at a school with metal detectors and security guards with actual guns wasn't my idea of fun either.

The next few emails were just junk mail, offering me an enlarged member, or fabulous new internet porn sites, and I wondered how my name got on their mailing lists.

The last email made me smile though, because it was from Edward and his never failed to make me laugh. Although, the attachment to his last email frightened me a little bit. It had been a Canadian condom commercial clip that would frighten small children, but he had sent it to Em also, so I knew he wasn't trying to be inappropriate.

_From: eacullen(at)depaul(dot)edu  
_

_To: imcullen(at)cox(dot)net  
_

_Subject: Caffeine_

_Whenever you wake up old lady, text me and we can get our caffeine fixes together; I need to talk to you._

_~ E_

_P.S. Alice says hi. (she wants to take you shopping, I would be scared)_

I shook my head and laughed at his last comment. When I met his roommate's girlfriend, Alice, last week, she had been quite the bundle of energy. She told me that we were going to be best friends, and I laughed, but I had a feeling that she was serious. She had been dating Edward's roommate, Jasper, for the past year or so, and I was surprised that I had never met her before. Although, I had actually only met Jasper once before, so I guess it wasn't that surprising.

I liked Alice; she was nice, but being friends with a twenty-one year old seemed a little desperate to me. It also probably didn't help that her roommate, Rose, had glared daggers at me the entire time we were out.

It only took me about ten minutes to clear out my inbox, and it was still only six thirty. Edward's email was sent the night before at midnight, so I was sure that he didn't want me to wake him up at the crack of dawn. I decided to go for a run in the park before I texted him.

Even though it was so early in the morning, the mid August heat was oppressive, and I felt horribly out of shape. Runs that I could have managed easily when I was twenty made me ache in places I didn't even know could be sore at twenty-six. I wasn't in bad shape, but I was definitely not getting any younger.

After the first two miles, I gave up and headed back towards the brownstone.

I stripped off my running clothes, and hopped into a warm shower, letting the warm water loosen up my tense muscles.

As the hot water beat down on me, I reflected back on my strange friendship with my brother-in-law. We had gotten fairly close over the past year, probably due to the fact that I was the only person in his family he was on good terms with. When he gave up on his business major last year and switched to Music Theory at DePaul, both his parents and his brother had been irate.

Ever since then, things had been tense at family dinners, and Edward more often than not decided to stay at school on those weeks. I tried to get Emmett to talk to him about it, but he told me that there was no point in trying to talk sense into Edward; that he could fuck up his life all on his own.

Emmett never put me in the middle of their disagreements, but I somehow related to Edward in the fact that Emmett tried to control my choices as well.

Edward seemed to be the only person that I could talk to about my professional struggles lately, because Em would always brush me off when I whined about not being able to find a job at a school that he approved of.

When Edward called me a few months ago and suggested we meet in person to go out for coffee and talk. I was confused, but decided that it might be a good way to get to know my new brother. He had always been very quiet around me before, and I had always thought that he didn't really like me.

All that changed after our first meeting; he was open with me, charming and funny. I had never seen that side of his personality before, but I found that I had a lot of things in common with him.

We liked the same movies, read the same books; we both loved children and we talked about his experiences in high school volunteering at local schools. I kept telling him he should think into teaching, but he always seemed to change the subject. Talking to him was easy and effortless, and I found that when I was with him, I didn't feel quite as lonely as I did most days.

I tried to focus on my writing when I was at home, but being cooped up in a small house all day with a bustling city just outside your door was difficult.

I found myself wanting to invite Edward to go places with me, but I never did, opting to spend afternoons at the Art Institute by myself wandering around the new exhibits, or going to the aquarium to see the whales. I had explored every tourist area in Chicago by myself since we relocated to Lincoln Park from Evanston two years ago, and I hated the fact that I always had to go alone.

Emmett never wanted to play tourist on the weekends, saying that he had already been to Navy Pier a million times as a kid. He was always so serious, and the only time he ever wanted to go places in the city with me was for work parties, where I was forced to play Isabella Cullen, housewife and stepford extraordinaire.

Once the water started to cool off in the shower, I dried myself off and got dressed in a light blue, short sleeved peasant blouse and a pair of khaki capri pants. I was normally a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl, but it was way too hot outside to wear jeans on a day like this.

By the time I was dressed and my hair was dry and pulled up into a loose ponytail, it was nearing eight o'clock, so I figured that it wasn't too early to text Edward to let him know I was awake.

After ten minutes of searching, I found my phone tucked behind one of the cushions on the couch and texted him.

_E~ Awake, need caffeine, wake up delinquent and meet me there in 20 ~B_

I pulled on a pair of sandals and tucked my phone into my pocket, deciding that I wanted to walk to the coffee shop today instead of attempting to find parking for my car.

As I made the familiar trek towards Fullerton, and my favorite coffee shop, the Bourgeois Pig, I started to get nervous. Edward's behavior towards me had been getting strange lately, especially after last weekend when he took me out to a club with his friends. There was something about the way that he looked at me now that was different and it made me anxious.

A chirp from my pocket startled me, and I pulled open my phone and laughed at the new message.

_B~ You are only a delinquent if you get caught. I'm waiting, you walk too slow ~E_

As I rounded the corner, I could see a head of messy bronze hair leaning over the railing in the outside seating area at the coffee shop. How he beat me here was beyond me, but it probably helped that his loft was a few blocks closer than my home.

When my eyes met his, I smiled at the triumphant smirk that was on his face. He loved beating me to the shop, because it was the only time I voluntarily let him pay for my drink.

I stuck my tongue out at him as he continued to stare at me, and he laughed as I plopped down into the metal chair on the opposite side of the table from him.

"I had them add the triple shot just for you," he said as he pushed my usual in front of me. "Oh, and the extra vanilla syrup too."

I smiled as I pulled my cappuccino cup up to my mouth and took a sip. It was still hot so he didn't beat me here by too much. It still amazed me that he remembered my favorite drink every time, not even the Barista did that. I always ordered a large vanilla cappuccino, three shots of espresso, dash of hazelnut syrup, extra vanilla, and cinnamon on the top. It probably wasn't the best thing to be ingesting several times a week, but it woke me up and tasted amazing.

"Mmmmm," I hummed as I placed the cup back onto the table.

"Good?" He laughed and took a drink of his black coffee. It still disgusted me how he could drink coffee with no sugar.

I nodded and was immediately struck with how warm it still was outside.

"Why are we sitting out here?"

"We always sit here," he said with a confused look on his face.

"But it's so hot outside," I said pulling my shirt from where it was sticking to my chest.

His eyes glazed over a bit before he shook his head and responded.

"Well then into the air conditioning we go," he said as he picked up both of our cups and walked towards the front steps of the shop.

I followed Edward up the steps of the quaint brick building, attempting – unsuccessfully - to walk after him without staring at the way the muscles in his shoulders and back moved as he steered through the small crowd of people at the counter. The more time we spent together lately, the more inappropriate my thoughts would get about him, and I was finding it hard to define what we were to each other.

Were we friends? I would like to think so.

Were we more than that? We probably were, but that in itself was a dangerous notion. He was - for all intents and purposes - my brother, and I should not have anything but platonic thoughts about him.

Edward was an attractive guy; good looks seemed to run in the Cullen family. But I was married to his brother, and it was unhealthy and delusional to entertain any deeper feelings for him. Getting attached to my brother-in-law as anything more than a friend was dangerous and reckless, and yet somehow, he had filled my every thought for the past week. He filled the void I had been feeling in my life and even though I tried to fight it, I found myself relying on his opinion more than Emmett's.

Emmett loved me, I knew that he did, yet he did everything in his power to control me. I don't even think that it was a conscious decision on his part; I think he was doing it to protect me. Little did he know, that by _protecting_ me, he was pushing me further away from him, and making me resent the decisions that I had been essentially forced to make.

"You alright?" Edward asked as he set my drink down on the coffee table in front of the couch that was situated in the back corner of the coffee shop.

"Yeah," I responded, blushing slightly. "Sorry, I have just been distracted lately. You will have to excuse my space cadet moments."

Edward smiled at me, effectively disarming me, and reached over to run the back of his hand over my cheek.

"You are too cute when you blush like that."

I shivered at the contact and his grin widened before he sat down on the couch and casually draped his arm across the back of it.

My heart was racing as I sat down on the edge of the couch and picked up my mug. I took a large pull of the caffeinated liquid, and willed my heartbeat to slow down. Edward had been touching me more and more each time that we were together. It started out as friendly brushes of his palm across my back or holding his hand out to help me stand, but lately, it was crossing into more affectionate gestures.

I closed my eyes for a few moments and contemplated telling him that we needed to stop seeing each other so frequently. It was blurring the boundaries in our relationship, and I was becoming too reliant on his friendship. Given, I didn't actually have many friends anymore and losing him seemed almost too painful to bear, but if it kept me from becoming too dependent on him then I would suffer through it. There was already enough strain in his relationship with his brother and I had no desire to add to it.

"Are you sure you are alright Bella? You seem a little distracted today."

The palm of Edward's hand had migrated from the back of the couch to the small of my back, and I could feel his fingers flex through the thin material of my blouse. Feeling his body in such close proximity to mine was making my head spin as his musky scent invaded my senses.

"What are we doing?" I asked him quietly as I leaned forward and placed my head in my hands.

He scooted closer to me on the couch and placed his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side. I could feel the hard outline of his muscular side pressed into me and my heart started to pound even harder in my chest. I willed my body to stop reacting to him like it was, but as I felt a gust of warm air across the back of my neck, I made the mistake of looking in his direction.

"We are having coffee Bella. You are my friend and I enjoy spending time with you. Please tell me what's wrong. I know that something is bothering you."

His deep green eyes were eating away at my resolve, and I wanted to tell him that I liked him more than I should. I wanted to tell him that I found myself thinking about him all the time. I wanted to tell him that every time I got in a fight with Emmett I wanted to call him. Most of all, I wanted to tell him that he was slowly becoming one of the most important people in my life.

Even though all of those things were true, in my heart I knew that if I said any of those things to him aloud, that it would be putting him in a position that could potentially destroy us both.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't plan on being so morose, but spending so much time with him was bittersweet torture.

"Really Edward, I'm fine; I guess I am just a little tired. I have been up since the crack of dawn, and being alone so much has been getting to me lately." I reverted my gaze back to my lap, and immediately felt guilty for not being completely honest with him, but I knew that it was not an option.

"Bella," he said softly as he placed a finger underneath my chin to make me look at him. "You don't need to lie to me, whatever is bothering you can not be so horrible that you can't talk to me about it."

I remained silent and focused on a painting behind his head so I didn't look into his eyes and blurt out everything that I had been feeling lately. He was a friend and nothing more, and as much as my overactive imagination wanted to believe that he was struggling as much as I was, I knew it wasn't true.

"I don't like that he leaves you alone so much," he said softly as he moved his hand to my back and began to rub it soothingly. "It isn't right that he leaves you all alone and won't even let you get a job. You need to stand up for yourself Bella. He can't control you like that, it's not healthy for you. I don't know why he is so insistent that you can't get a job downtown. You are going to make an amazing teacher and he needs to realize that before he smothers you. I see what he does to you Bella. He's slowly draining the life out of your eyes. I don't know how much longer I can sit back and let him stifle you."

"It's not like that Edward," I lied.

That may have been true a year ago, but ever since Emmett began traveling for his job, he had become more controlling. When we were dating, he was never like that. He was always supportive, but lately, I felt like he was the one in our relationship who made every decision.

"Not like what Bella?" he asked, raising his voice. "Are you going to sit there and tell me that Emmett doesn't make decisions for you without even asking you? Are you honestly going to sit there and tell me that you are happy sitting in that brownstone alone while he is gone?"

"I've been writing. I don't just sit there all day Edward. I'm perfectly capable of spending time outside of the brownstone by myself. You act as if he locks me away all day. We both know it isn't like that."

Edward sat up straight and pulled his hand through his messy bronze colored hair angrily.

I don't know why he was always so critical of Emmett. Yes, he controlled me, but he was doing it because he wanted what was best for me. He didn't want me to feel obligated to take a job that could be dangerous. He didn't want me to take a job where I would be working hard, long hours for little pay. Emmett had been encouraging me to go back to take more classes and maybe teach at DePaul. I had never really wanted to teach at a collegiate level, but I would never be wasting my talents there.

"Don't even try to tell me he is supportive of your decisions Bella. You have been offered jobs left and right and he always says no. I know you; you don't want to teach spoiled rich kids like me, you never have. Being a teaching assistant or an associate professor was never your dream so don't even try to get me to believe that it is. I know you better than you think Bella, so stop making excuses for him and do something about it."

I shook my head and reached for my coffee cup. Before I could pick it up, Edward's large hand grabbed my wrist and I turned to look at him.

"I don't want to fight with you Bella, but you have to start doing what you want with your life. I get that you feel obligated to him because he is your husband, but if you aren't happy then you need to find something that will make you happy. You need to stop hiding behind your insecurities and fight for what you want. You are stronger than you realize, and I only wish that you could see that in yourself. You made me fight for what I wanted. I don't know why you won't let me do the same for you."

Edward was right, like he always was. I wasn't happy and not teaching like I wanted to was making me even more unhappy. I loved Emmett, but sometimes I felt like he didn't really see me anymore.

"Can we please just not do this now," I whispered as I pried my hand from Edward's grasp.

"I'm sorry," he said as he sat back against the couch and ran his fingers along his eyebrow and up into his hair.

"I'm not mad at you. I just don't want to keep having this conversation. I know you are right – don't let that get to your head – but that doesn't mean that I can do anything about it right now. The school year is starting in a few days; I will just have to wait until next semester if I even do decide to get a job."

"I didn't mean to push you Bella, I just don't think you realize how much you have been giving up lately to make other people happy."

We both sat there in silence for a few minutes and sipped at our coffee. I didn't know exactly how our meeting for coffee had taken such a serious undertone. We usually just sat around for an hour and bantered about inconsequential stuff and this talk was making my head hurt.

"Alright," he said putting his cup down on the table and rubbing his hands together. "We are going to go do something fun today, you pick. Anything you want."

I turned towards him and couldn't help the giggle that slipped out when I took in the grin on his face. How he went from serious mode to giddy in such a short time was beyond me, but I wasn't going to argue with him.

"Um, there is this exhibit at the Institute I have been wanting to go to," I said quietly as I waited for the inevitable groan. Emmett hated going to the art museum with me, so I never even bothered to ask him to go anymore.

"Bella, I said fun. We can go to the museum, but I don't think that walking around the Art Institute is the epitome of a day out on the town. This is Chicago Bella, come on, you can do better than that."

"Navy Pier?"

"Well, while Navy Pier would be fun, it is supposed to be in the nineties all day, so I would suggest something with climate control unless you want to sweat all day."

I chanced a glance over at Edward who had a crooked smirk on his face and my heart sped up again at the thought of his tight black t-shirt clinging to him with perspiration. _Ok, air conditioning it is._

"Do you want to go to the Museum of Science and Industry?"

"Do _you _want to go to the Museum of Science and Industry?" he asked as he elbowed me in the side.

I guess he was right; I didn't really want to go to that museum, but it was the only one that Emmett willingly went to with me, so I figured that it would be one that Edward would like as well. Apparently, where we went was entirely my choice after all.

"Shedd? They have the new whale habitat in. We could go see the calves." I offered with a hint of enthusiasm. The Shedd Aquarium was always my favorite place in the city to visit. I had fallen in love with the Beluga whales the first time I had visited the museum. They reminded me of summers when I was little and Charlie would take me to Port Angeles to take the ferry to Victoria. We always saw at least one whale on the trip over most summers and it was amazing to see how graceful they were.

"Shedd it is, come on, let's go. I need to get something from my apartment and then we can take my car into the city."

"Oh come on Edward, don't want to take the L?"

I didn't know if it was because they grew up in the suburbs, but neither of the Cullen men seemed to ever want to ride the L into the city. Em always insisted that we take his Jeep because he didn't like being squished into public transportation. I had a feeling that Edward's reluctance had more to do with his obsession with his new Volvo.

"We can take the train if you really want to," he replied dejectedly.

"Stop being such a baby, you can drive," I responded pushing him playfully in the shoulder.

He smiled brightly back at me and jumped up from the couch, offering his hand to help me stand up.

When my fingers touched his, I felt a shock run through my arm. I looked up at Edward and the grin was gone from his face, but it had been replaced with something else entirely. His eyes were darkened and his mouth was parted. He was looking down at me with a very serious glint in his eyes, but I couldn't quite place it.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed myself up from the couch and let go of his hand. I flexed my fingers and felt a strange sense of loss where he had touched me. When I looked over at him, he was looking down at his hand with curiosity as well. Soon enough, he shook his head lightly and turned towards me with his regular grin.

"You ready?" he asked as I bent down to grab my purse and straighten out my blouse.

"Yup."

As I turned to walk towards the door, I could feel Edward's presence behind me. I was always hyper-aware of where he was in relation to me, but this was just ridiculous.

When I reached the door to the shop, he placed a hand on my lower back and reached in front of me to open the door. As the warm air rushed in from outside, I was bombarded with his scent. It was warm and musky, and I had to take several deep breaths to calm myself down so I didn't tumble down the stairs.

"You alright?" he asked as I stood there motionless. I could feel the soft hairs from his side-burn up against my cheek and my eyes widened when I realized how close he was to me. He was standing directly behind me, and I could feel the understated muscles of his chest pressed up against my back.

I nodded, unable to speak for fear of my voice cracking. I hesitantly took a few steps forward and grasped onto the short brick wall, lining the concrete steps.

Edward chuckled behind me as he took in my careful trek down the six stairs to the sidewalk.

"Bella, stop grabbing the wall like that. Do you honestly think I would let you fall down the stairs?"

When I reached the bottom, I turned around to scowl at him, which just made him laugh harder.

"I think you underestimate my powers Mr. Cullen. I did manage to propel myself off the bed to the floor this morning because of my lack of coordination."

Edward's mouth pressed into a hard line as his shoulders shook with his laughter. I could tell that he was trying to hold it in to avoid making me angry, but even I had to admit my talent for self injury was impressive.

"Seriously?" he squeaked as he tried to hold it in.

I shook my head at him and rolled my eyes as he continued to laugh at my expense. Turning around quickly, I darted down the sidewalk towards where Edward's apartment building was. I wasn't going to stand in front of the coffee shop all day so he could laugh at how clumsy I was. I had already been subjected to his brother's laughter at my expense when I tumbled to the floor this morning.

"Oh come on," Edward yelled as he followed me down the sidewalk. "How can you tell me something like that and not expect me to laugh, Bella? It's funny."

"Ha, ha Edward, laugh it up," I snapped back as he placed his arm over my shoulder and pulled me into his side.

"I guess I am just going to have to keep a careful eye on you today to prevent trips to the emergency room. Wouldn't want my brother to think I broke his wife."

We continued the walk to his apartment building in an awkward silence. I felt like I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. The delicate balance of our friendship was changing, and I didn't know what that meant for us. I had become dependent upon his advice and companionship more than I cared to admit.

When we got to the front steps of the familiar brick building, I froze. I had never actually been inside of Edward's apartment without Emmett. Even then, I had only been there at the beginning of last year when he moved in. I had been designated beer supplier and spent the time sitting on the front steps with a cooler of beer.

Every other time that I had seen Edward over the past year had been either at our brownstone or at the house in Evanston. I found myself wondering whether it was going to be a typical bachelor apartment complete with beer can statues, or something a little more refined.

"Come on," Edward urged as he grabbed my hand and tugged me in the front door.

He quickly stopped at the mailboxes in the entry hallway and emptied his box, then he made his way towards the elevator. He kept my hand firmly placed inside of his the entire time, only letting it go to push the button for the fourth floor.

"Is Jasper home?" I asked in the eerie silence inside of the elevator.

"No, he is spending the week helping Rose and Ali get settled further into their apartment. I don't know why those two have insisted on moving every year. He doesn't tend to spend much time here lately. Although, when he does, it tends to get kind of noisy. Thank god for headphones," he joked as he winked at me.

"Oh," I replied dumbly. I guess it would get kind of old having to listen to your roommate and his girlfriend. That is why I was happy when Em and I moved in together for our last two years at school.

I wondered if Edward had been making noise of his own in the apartment, and then immediately chastised myself for thinking like that. I should not be thinking about my brother-in-law's sex life. That was bound to get me into trouble. Just because Edward was an attractive, funny, caring man did not mean that I needed to think about him like that.

"What are you thinking about so hard over there?" he asked as the doors slid open on his floor.

I blushed involuntarily and swallowed before I found the voice to respond.

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

"What ever you say Bella." He laughed at me and grabbed my hand again, leading me down the hallway towards his door.

His large hand was warm around mine, and I had never realized how much larger it was than my own.

"You haven't been in here since we moved in have you?"

"Um, no. I haven't."

"Well I guess I will have to give you the tour before we head out," he said as he opened the door and gestured for me to step inside.

I had to admit, I was surprised by what I found inside. The walls were painted a dark brown color, and there were several large picture windows lining the back of the apartment. You could tell that the building was old, because it had original crown molding and baseboards. Most of the buildings in Lincoln Park dated back to the early nineteen hundreds, and I would venture to guess that his building was included in that.

"Wow, it's…." I said as I peeked my head in their galley kitchen, complete with stainless steel appliances and granite counter-tops.

"Not what you expected?" he asked curiously as he stood behind me with his hands shoved in his pockets.

"To be completely honest, no, it's not. I think I expected beer can towers and liquor bottles filled with highlighters."

He chuckled lightly and rolled his eyes at me before he walked a few steps closer to where I was standing.

"I think that there are a lot of things about me that would surprise you," he whispered in my ear as he tucked a stray hair behind my ear. "Come on, I'll show you the rest before we leave."

I followed Edward down the hall wondering where things had suddenly changed. I could swear that he had been flirting with me all morning, but that fact alone confused me. _I am his brother's wife, why would he do that?_

When he stopped, I wasn't paying attention and crashed into his back, grabbing onto his sides to steady myself. His breathing was harsh as he leaned into my touch and I immediately dropped my hands as if I had touched fire. The tension that had been growing throughout the morning was increasing and I wasn't sure how to handle it.

Edward seemed to compose himself instantly as he walked through an open door and gestured for me to come in.

As I peeked around the corner, I was surprised to find a room that was fairly sparse. I would have expected his room to have band posters on the wall, or at least clutter somewhere. Again, I was struck with the sense that things had been cleaned up in anticipation of my arrival. There was no way that two twenty something men would live in an apartment this clean.

_Had he planned to get me up here when he came out this morning?_

"This one is yours I presume?" I mused as I noticed the guitar pick on the nightstand and a small keyboard in the corner of the room by the closet. Those seemed to be the only evidence that someone actually lived in this room.

"Yup, this is where all the magic happens," he responded as he winked at me again.

_God what is with all the flirting?_

"Oh really? Is that so?" I laughed as my eyes scanned the rest of the room. The only real color in it was the bright red comforter but somehow, having seen the rest of the apartment, I had a feeling that Esme had a hand in the decorating.

"Well, I do complete most of my compositions inside the walls of this room," he said as he took a few steps back towards where I was standing at the door. "But I have a feeling that was not the kind of magic that _you_ were referring to."

My eyes widened as he continued to smirk at me, and after a few tense moments of eye contact he let out a startled laugh and squeezed my shoulder. My heart was beating so fast I think I forgot to breath for a moment. Edward Cullen was making sexual comments to me in his bedroom, and the frightening thing was that I liked it.

"You are just too easy to get a reaction out of today," he said as he walked out his bedroom door back into the hallway, leaving me stunned standing in the center of his bedroom.

He was playing with me. He knew that saying inappropriate things would get a rise out of me, and he was enjoying tormenting me. _Jackass._

"Well are we going to the aquarium or would you like to spend the day in my bedroom?" he laughed as I turned around to scowl at him. He was still doing it and even worse, he seemed to be enjoying it.

_My god, things are just getting out of control today. _I thought as I followed him out into the hallway. I would be lying if I said his flirting wasn't getting a reaction out of me. I hated that it was, but at the same time, it was exhilarating having him flirt with me so openly.

I didn't know if it was the fact that Emmett had long since stopped flirting with me, or the fact that my attraction to Edward was getting completely out of control. The urge to touch him was unbearable, and every time he said something to provoke me, I wanted to kiss that smug look off of his face. That alone was a dangerous enough notion to come to terms with.

My physical attraction to Edward had seemingly snuck up on me in the past several months. I couldn't exactly pinpoint when my body began responding to him, but it was definitely there. I told myself when it first started happening that it was because my relationship with Emmett was not as affectionate as it use to be, or that it was just because of the similarities he had with his brother.

The only problem with that was the fact that there were very few similarities between the two of them besides their height and the pale color of their skin. Emmett was bulky where Edward was lean. Emmett had dark hair with unruly tightly wound curls, Edward's was a softer hue of brown tinted with bronze that was unruly yet pin straight. Emmett's eyes were a honey toned brown, and Edward inherited Esme's shocking deep green. Everything about them was contrasting - even their personalities - and yet I was drawn to both of them.

I let out a deep breath and crossed the room brushing past Edward and his annoying smirk. I refused to be baited into his dangerous game. He was playing with fire and if he wasn't careful we were both going to get burned.

When I had stepped back into the hallway that led towards the front door of the apartment, I couldn't feel Edward's presence behind me anymore.

I swiveled around to face him and was shocked when I saw him leaning his arm against the door frame watching me with a wry grin on his face.

Edward's penetrating stare was known to make people nervous. When he wanted to, he could pry information out of anyone with a simple look. He had used it on me when we first started meeting, sensing that my moods had more to do with being unhappy in general than just over the fact that I was being left home alone so much. Edward Cullen could read me like a book. I hated and loved it all at the same time. No one had ever gotten me the way that he had, and knowing that I was married to his brother made that fact all the more difficult to swallow.

"Are you coming?" I asked arching a brow in his direction. His grin widened as he pushed off the door frame and made long strides back down the hallway towards me.

I was half expecting him to throw another lewd comment my way, but was pleasantly surprised when he briskly walked past me to open the front door and hold it open for me.

The ride in the elevator down to parking lot was tense. Edward leaned against the back wall of the elevator, both of his hands braced against the bar that ran around the center of the it. He had one foot pressed up against the wood paneling as he balanced there, occasionally glancing in my direction.

I was perched against one of the side walls, staring at my feet. I couldn't look at him. Spending the day with him was turning out to be a bad idea. The more time we were together, the more charged the energy was between us, and it was only a matter of time before something happened.

I didn't know what Edward's intentions were towards me, but if his flirtatious remarks had been any indication, it was far from appropriate.

Scanning my memory for signs, I tried to figure out if this onslaught of flirting and banter was a new occurrence. Either it was, or I had been completely oblivious to his advances.

Once the elevator finally got to the ground floor, Edward stepped out and led us towards the back door that opened onto the parking lot. I was actually surprised that Edward had not insisted on finding an apartment building with an attached garage. His newest car was a silver Volvo S80 sedan with dark tinted windows.

I had to admit, I could totally understand his obsession with his new car. It was sleek and sexy. Leather seats, shiny rims, V8. If I hadn't already fallen in love with my Audi A4, this car would have given it a run for its money.

"You are actually going to let me ride in your car?" I questioned as he walked a few paces in front of me towards where it was parked.

"Did you want to walk?" he asked sarcastically as he unlocked the passenger side door and held it open.

"I feel honored," I shot back holding my hand over my heart.

Edward's cars had always been his most prized possessions. In high school, apparently he detailed and washed his old car every single weekend. Emmett, who was the king of fast food wrappers, thought that it was obsessive and prissy, but I could respect him wanting to take care of his belongings.

He rolled his eyes at me before he closed the door and jogged over to his side of the car.

Once he had started the car, he pulled his I-pod out of the pocket of his jeans and plugged it into the dash.

"Any requests?" he said as he looked over towards me.

"Uh, whatever you were listening to is fine."

"You sure? Last chance?"

As I settled into my seat, a soft guitar rift started and I looked over at him with a questioning look.

He shrugged his shoulders and laughed at my reaction.

"Bush? Aren't you a little young to be listening to Bush?"

"Hey, I resent that, I am not _that _young."

"Are you kidding me? You were in elementary school when this came out. Where did you even get this?"

"You have heard of this program called i-Tunes right?" he said sarcastically as he pulled the car out of the parking space.

"Yes, but god, this is not a song they released as a single. You would have actually had to look for this."

As Gavin Rossdale's strained voice continued to belt out the lyrics to _Mouth_, Edward shook his head at me.

"Oh so because it came out before my high school days I am not allowed to listen to it? Have you never listened to Aerosmith, or The Doors or hell, I _know_ you have listened to Journey. Don't even try to deny it, I have heard you humming that shit if you meet me after a run."

I turned to my side to face him, I couldn't believe he could actually tell what I was humming while waiting for my coffee.

"How do you even know that?"

"Um, music major Bella. It's my job to be able to identify things like that. Given, it's actually meant to be used for things a little more traditional than _Don't Stop Believin'_."

"Oh shut up, that is a good song and you know it."

Once the Bush song was coming to an end, Edward reached over and grabbed his i-Pod, his thumb brushing over the clickwheel quickly as he looked for something specific.

By this time, we had gotten out of the neighborhood and were heading towards Lake Shore Drive. That was one of the perks to living in a neighborhood close to the lake, it was easy to get to all the tourist attractions that were south along Lake Michigan.

Edward smiled triumphantly as he set the i-Pod back down into the cup holder, seconds before the light we were stopped at turned green.

The familiar piano chord rang out through the speakers and I couldn't hold in the laugh bubbling in my chest.

"I thought you said Journey was shit?"

"I never said that. Besides, I am a piano player, it is like a requirement to know this song."

I bobbed my head as I hummed along with the song. I could hear Edward laughing at my reaction, but I didn't care. This song strangely reminded me of Chicago. I remembered belting it out at parties when I was in college, and I didn't care that it came out long before I was even born.

Just as the second chorus started, a low, soft tenor voice joined in and I looked over at Edward with shock. Other than random Christmas carols and the birthday song, I had never heard him sing. His voice was beautiful. I could definitely hear that his musical talent went far beyond playing a piano.

I was hypnotized by how soulful his voice was and I was disappointed when the song finally ended.

A charged silence filled the air; I was afraid to talk to him all of a sudden. There were so many things I didn't know about him, but I wanted to.

His long slender fingers brushed up against my thigh that was closest to the console and I took in a sharp breath as he picked up his I-pod again. My leg was tingling where he had touched me and I felt my face flush as I realized that I liked the sensation.

"Why don't we listen to something a little more contemporary," he said as he scrolled through the device again and set it back down.

I instantly recognized that it was Kings of Leon once the music started again, and the irony of the song wasn't lost on me.

_Use Somebody_ was one of my favorite songs. It had this melancholic sense to it but it was filled with this desperation of someone longing to be noticed. I could relate to the loneliness that the song emitted.

_Did I want Edward to be my somebody?_

As the next song came on, I blushed as I reached towards the center console.

"Don't. I like this song," Edward said as he placed his hand on top of mine to stop me. It was warm as it wrapped tightly around my own and the sensation of it startled me. I jerked my hand back into my lap and laid my head against the window, looking out as we passed by Navy Pier.

He was right; it was a good song, but _Sex on Fire_ was a very sexually charged song. I didn't know why it was making me uncomfortable around him, but when the lyric about getting head while driving came on, I remembered why.

I quietly stared out the window the rest of the drive to the aquarium. I had a lot of things to think about. It was like I didn't know how to talk to him anymore and not flirt or banter with him. I didn't want to feel like that. It was wrong to feel like that towards him.

_When did everything have to get so complicated?_

As we pulled up to the parking lot surrounding the Shedd Aquarium, I was surprised that it was so full. It appeared that since most of the schools had not started yet, many parents had decided to take their children to the air conditioned sights for the day. Even though I knew it would be crowded, I was looking forward to the distraction. Maybe Edward would monitor his behavior around me a little more closely if we were surrounded by people.

After a five minute conversation at the ticket counter over who would be paying for our visit today - which I inevitably lost - Edward and I were walking side by side towards the exhibit downstairs called The Wild Reef, which held the sharks. I hated visiting this habitat when I came to the aquarium by myself, there was something about six to ten foot sharks that scared the crap out of me, even if they were contained by a wall of glass. I always visited the sea turtles, but my favorite was still the Beluga whale habitat.

"They are so graceful," Edward said in awe as a small Bonnethead shark swam by the window directly in front of us.

"For something that could take your leg off," I scoffed as he continued to watch the sharks circling the large habitat.

"If you saw one in the water, they would be more afraid of you than you would be of them, Bella. Most shark attacks are accidents."

"I don't think I would be willing to take my chances in the water with one of those," I said pointing to a particularly large Sandbar shark.

"Most shark attacks happen because they mistake people for fish," he said matter of factly as he turned to smirk at me.

"I don't care what they mistake people for. I like all of my fingers and toes, thank you very much."

He laughed at me and place his hand on the small of my back, sending my heartbeat soaring again.

"Let's go find your whales. I know that is the only reason you like coming here so much."

I nodded as I let him steer me through the crowds of people towards the elevator that led up to the Oceanarium, where the dolphin and whale habitats were.

"Have you seen the calves?" I asked to break the silence as we approached where the new habitat began.

"Not since the last one was born," he said softly as he continued to lead me.

We walked in silence as we approached where the new whale harbor was located.

"Did you want to go up or down?"

I hadn't been in the new habitat since they re-opened it May, but I heard that it was amazing. They had spent months completely revamping the Oceanarium, including creating a whole new whale harbor habitat.

"Down," I said quietly as we made our way towards the large glass walls that allowed you to see into the habitat from under the water level.

There were seven Beluga whales that roamed the habitat, but there were three in particular that had always been my favorite. The smaller grayed calves, Miki and Bella, were swimming along each side of their mother.

Bella was slightly larger than Miki, being a year older, and I watched as she playfully nudged her mother.

"She's so beautiful," I said as I ran my hand along the glass.

I didn't even realize how close Edward had gotten to me when his chest pressed into my back, trapping me against the glass. I let out a startled breath as I felt him run the tips of his fingers along the back of my hand.

"Yes, yes she is," he whispered into my ear, his voice much lower than I was use to. Somehow I had the feeling that he was not talking about the whale swimming just feet in front of us.

I was panting taking shallow breaths as we both stood silent watching the whales swim gracefully through the habitat. My back was pressed up against his warm chest as he continued to lightly run his finger along the skin on the back of my hand. I wasn't exactly sure how long we stood there like that, sharing the strangely intimate moment, but when my stomach growled loudly, it seemed to bring us both back into reality.

"Maybe we should go get some food," Edward suggested as he stepped away from me.

I nodded, trying to decipher why I was suddenly angry at my stomach for interrupting the moment.

We walked back towards the front of the building, where the food court and gift shop were, in complete silence.

Once we were seated, the silence continued as we both ate with our heads down. I couldn't let myself look up at him. My imagination had been running wild all day and I couldn't allow myself to entertain delusions of being with my husband's brother like that.

After we both finished our food, Edward and I made our way around the central part of the aquarium looking at all of the varieties of fish. The only conversation we had was about the animals and he kept his distance from me as we walked around.

When I looked down to my watch and realized that it was almost five o'clock, I panicked. I hadn't realized that we spent the entire afternoon in the aquarium. I knew that we spent hours wandering around, but I never realized that it was that late.

"I think that maybe we should go home now," I said quietly as he walked awkwardly beside me.

He nodded and we made our way back towards his car.

The ride back to Lincoln Park was silent as we crept through evening traffic. Edward had turned on classical music, and the ominous tones in some of the pieces we listened to seemed to permeate the atmosphere in the car.

Everything had changed since that intimate moment where I was pinned between him and the glass of the exhibit, and I no longer knew what to think. I couldn't deny it anymore. I was wildly attracted to Edward.

As he pulled the car up to the curb and turned the key in the ignition to off, I wanted to run from the car. I needed to get away from him. The day had started off innocently and turned into something much more dangerous. There was no way that I could continue seeing Edward like this; something had changed, and not for the better.

"Thank you for taking me to the aquarium," I said softly as I reached for the door handle.

"I'm sorry for monopolizing your day. Goodbye Bella," he mumbled as I stepped out of the car. I didn't know how to respond to him, so I didn't.

When I got out of the car after our awkward goodbye and began walking up the steps towards the brownstone, I was surprised when I heard a car door slam from behind me instead of a car engine.

As I turned around, I saw a flushed Edward running up the sidewalk towards me, his hand scraping through his hair roughly as he jogged over towards me.

"Edward, what are you-"

"Don't Bella, don't ask me. If I don't just come out and say this, I'll never do it," he said as he brought his gaze up to mine. The intensity in his green eyes was startling and I gripped onto the front railing to keep myself from stumbling.

Before I could say another word, Edward pressed a small business card into my hand and leaned in to whisper in my ear.

"Meet me here, please. We need to talk. Alone. Just think about it. I'll see you then." He turned abruptly and ran back towards his car, leaving me standing there clutching the card in my hand.

After I watched his car pull away from the curb, I held it up and was confused by what it said.

_28th ~ 9 pm_

As I flipped the card over, I couldn't help the gasp that escaped me. On the other side was the information for a hotel downtown. Edward was asking me to meet him - alone - in a hotel room, two days from now.

_The Dana Hotel & Spa  
660 North State Street  
Chicago, Illinois  
60610  
888.301.7952 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 888.301.7952end_of_the_skype_highlighting_

I quickly shoved the small card into my back pocket and fumbled with my keys to open the front door. I had seen Emmett's red Jeep parked down the street so I knew that he had come home early. I could only hope that he hadn't witnessed the strange exchange between Edward and I on the front steps.

My heart was pounding furiously as my sweaty hand slipped on the door knob. I wiped it off on my capris and finally was able to push the door open.

I wasn't sure if I could face my husband after what had just transpired. I had basically spent the entire day flirting with his little brother who just moments before asked me to meet him at a hotel. There was no way that I could go. How was I supposed to leave Emmett at home on a week night and not have him be suspicious?

_God Bella, are you actually considering this? _

I guess that was the real question. _Was I considering meeting Edward in a hotel room to talk?_

As I walked down the hallway, I could hear the faint noise of the TV in the background. When I turned the corner into the living room, I could hear the familiar voices of the sports casters on Sports Center and rolled my eyes.

Emmett was laying sideways across the over-sized couch with his socked feet up on the coffee table. The sleeves on his dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows and his tie was loosened. He had his arms both propped up behind his head as he stared intently at the television screen mounted on the wall opposite the couch.

"Hey Em," I said as I took a seat in one of the arm chairs by the window.

"Hey Bells. Why were you out so late in the afternoon?"

"I uh," _think Bella_. "I met a friend from school in the city for coffee."

Without taking his eyes off of the television in front of him he asked, "Oh, that's cool, anybody I know?"

"Nah," I lied. "Just someone from one of my education classes who was back in town."

I didn't know why it was so important for me to lie to him. He was normally fine with me spending time with Edward, but somehow telling him - considering what had transpired today - felt wrong.

I stood up to make my way towards the kitchen to start dinner. As I walked through the door frame, I could hear Emmett's voice ring out behind me.

"Oh, Bella, I have to leave the day after next to go to some pharmaceutical conference in Ohio. I'll be gone for a few days. I need you to get my suit from the cleaners tomorrow and pack me a bag."

_Great, another conference._

I hated the amount of traveling Em had been doing for his new position. I knew that pharmaceutical advertising reps had some traveling required in the job, but it was getting to the point where he was forced to go to these conferences at least once a month. The only comforting thing was that Angela's husband, Ben, had to go to them as well, so I knew that they were legitimate.

"That's fine Em. I'll make sure to get that stuff ready for you tomorrow," I called from the kitchen as I pulled a pack of marinated chicken breasts from the fridge.

"Thanks babe," he yelled back from his perch on the couch. "Oh, and when you come back in here, can you bring me a beer?"

I rolled my eyes and continued pulling out the ingredients for dinner as I called back sweetly, "Sure Em, what ever you want."

It looked as if I was going to be alone the day after next after all. Now all I had to do was make a decision that could change life as I knew it.

* * *

**Miscellaneous Story Info:  
~ This story will be told entirely in the Bella POV, there may or may not be a companion story posted once this is completed, its working title is Sisterly Seduction told from the Edward POV.  
~ As of right now, there are 20 planned chapters, and they will each be in the 9-11 k range in length. The chapters will cover a time period of a year and a half from start to finish, not including the epilogue.  
~ Yes, there will be a fair amount of smut, but that is not the primary objective for this story. So if a chapter does not allow it, then it will not be included. Not all of the plot points in the chapter will allow lemons in every chapter, so keep that in mind.  
~ I will be posting images on my profile for each chapter, so make sure to check that out as well.  
~ At the beginning of the story, Bella is 26, Emmett is 27 and Edward is 22. The primary characters in this story are Bella, Emmett and Edward, but several other side characters will be included along the way.  
~ The one-shot will be altered slightly, but it will appear as Chapter 2 in this story.  
****If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me and I will answer you to the best of my ability if it will not compromise the flow of the story.**

**I hope that you all enjoyed the first chapter, and thanks for taking the time to read...**


	3. Suite 2226

**Disclaimer: Don't own twilight…but do own a midnight blue garter belt…..:)**

**A/N: For those of you who have read the one-shot Suite 2226, most of this chapter will be the same, but I hope you still enjoy it nonetheless.**

* * *

Suite 2226

I pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the Dana Hotel with my heart beating a mile a minute inside of my chest. Everything had managed to change in my life in a matter of days regarding Edward, and we were on the precipice of something entirely new in our relationship. I wasn't dumb, I knew what that little business card meant. He wanted me and he had gone to the lengths to arrange a meeting at a hotel in order to get me alone with him.

When Emmett left for his pharmaceutical conference this morning, I had to pretend that everything was normal when there was a war going on inside of my head. If I met Edward like I wanted to, then it was signaling the beginning of the end of my marriage. Infidelity was not something to be taken lightly and I knew that if things went the way I was suspecting that they were going to, then I was betraying not only my marriage but my vows to my husband as well. A year ago, this opportunity would not have even crossed my mind as being viable, but now that I was unhappy with the state of my life, Edward had crept in and taken up residence in not only my mind, but my heart as well.

I took several deep breaths and stepped out of my car, closing the door tightly behind me and hitting the automatic lock button on my keychain.

The temperature still had not let up and even though it was late at night, it was still almost eighty degrees outside.

As I walked from the parking lot to the front doors of the hotel, I contemplated turning around and getting back into my car. That would be the smart decision. Too bad I wasn't that smart when it came to decisions regarding my young brother-in-law.

There was a tall, slender, blond man standing behind the check in desk, eyeing me curiously as I walked towards him. There were several other guests milling about the lobby of the hotel and the hotel bar off to the side was filled with people as well. I could only hope that no one that I knew was in the crowd because I had no desire to get caught red handed on the brink of an affair. I still wasn't even sure if that was what this was but I wasn't going to deny the fact that it was a very possible outcome.

When I stepped up to the desk, he flashed me a toothy grin. "How may I help you miss?"

"My name is Bella Cullen, I believe that a Mr. Cullen was supposed to leave something at the desk for me."

He arched an eyebrow at me and glanced down at my left hand. My wedding rings were sparkling in the over head lights at the desk, and I was sure that he probably noticed that I was a bit older than Edward. I could tell by the way the desk clerk was looking at me that he suspected something, but I was also sure that he was trained to be discreet.

"Here we are Mrs. Cullen, the key to suite 2226. The other member of your party has already checked in. You can get to your room via the elevators off to the right of the main lobby," he said as he handed me a small envelope containing an electronic key card.

"Thank you," I mumbled as I walked away from the desk towards the elevators, slipping the key out of the envelope on my way there.

As I looked down at the little white plastic card in my hand, I wondered how I let myself get in this deep. I wasn't this person. I wasn't the type of woman to do something like this. My husband loved me, and he would be appalled at my horrible behavior. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. I was never supposed to have these feelings, but I did.

It was wrong, and I knew it months ago when I started taking Edward's calls. At first, it was innocent; he was young and jaded. He needed someone outside of his parents who knew his situation and could give him advice, and he refused to go to anyone else. He trusted me and we had known each other for years.

I really wasn't that much older than him, but still, there was a very distinct boundary in our relationship, and I let it get this far. I let myself get attached, and his persistence that I was the only person he felt he could truly talk to just added to it. I felt needed, something my husband and his long hours was not providing me. Being the young wife of a successful businessman was not easy.

The endless parties, company outings, late nights at the office; it was all too much for me at twenty-six. I had been with him forever, we had met when we were twenty and I never really had much experience with men before him. He used to be fun and loving, always taking me out dancing, or spending hours talking to me when we were supposed to studying.

The first time Emmett made love to me, it was the most powerful thing I had ever felt in my life. Our sexual chemistry was just as palpable as our emotional bond. It wasn't just sex with us; it was _never_ just sex with us. That was until six months ago when it all stopped. He was always tired; whenever he came home, he just sat around and turned into a vegetable. He never wanted to go out anymore, unless it was to one of his work functions, and then he paraded me around like a Barbie doll.

That was when the meetings started. Edward would call, upset about school and how his parents were treating him, and one night I had enough of being left alone when Em was at the office, so I suggested that we meet.

It started off with us meeting in our neighborhood coffee shop. We would sit there for hours and just talk, and he could understand what I was going through because he knew what my husband was like. He knew how he treated me now versus when we started dating, and he knew that it was wrong. He told me that no wife deserved to be neglected and that he would be there for me no questions asked and promised not to take sides.

When he turned twenty-two a few months ago, things changed. He had never really broken out of his shell at twenty-one, being shy and worried about his schoolwork. Now that he was beginning to be happy with his courses, thanks to his change in major, which happened because of my persistence, he started branching out more and enjoying life.

It was as if Edward transformed overnight. One minute he was this painfully shy wallflower who I had been around since he learned to drive, and then the next, he was this force of nature who just wanted to have fun. When I asked him about it, he told me that I had given him the push he needed to realize that he couldn't just sit back and let life pass him by anymore.

Our meetings continued as normal for weeks; coffee, lunch, sometimes dinner, it all depended on when I was being left at home alone. Emmett thought that it was great; he had always wanted us to be close, so he encouraged it. We weren't hiding it, and he was glad that someone was finally able to get to Edward. He had tried, but they had always butted heads since they were children. I could somehow provide Edward with the support no one else close to him could.

A few weeks ago, he called me as I was getting ready to go to bed, my husband was out of town visiting a pharmaceutical manufacturer, and I was in the house all alone. He was drunk, and he said that he wanted me to go out to a club with him. He said that I needed to have fun, and that he would make sure that I did.

I kept trying to convince him that I was too old for the club scene, and that his friends didn't want to be hanging out with some old married lady, but he refused to take no for an answer and somehow, two hours later, I was in a college bar, laughing and having fun with him.

His friends were amazing, and they were all happy that I came out with them. He had told them about me, and our strange friendship, and they all wanted to meet me. They said that they had never seen him act like he was before and they wanted to meet the person responsible for breaking him out of his shell.

While we were there, I was intrigued; he had become highly attractive in the half dozen years that I had known him, and he had this way with women I never knew he was capable of. He was so confident, and somewhat arrogant about it; he knew that he was good looking, and he used it to his advantage.

Several times in the few hours I was with them, these young college girls would drag him out to the dance floor in the club. It was mesmerizing; I never imagined that he could move like that. The way his hips swayed from side to side, gyrating and grinding with the beat; it was raw and sexual, and I liked it. His large hands running down their sides, making these girls swoon over him. How his biceps would flex through the tight t-shirt that he was wearing. There was this little sliver of pale skin that I could see when he reached his hands up high enough, revealing the muscles around his abdomen, and that distinct v that had once been evident in my husband's physique.

I knew it was wrong to be thinking those things about him. He was five years younger than I was and I was married. It was _so_ wrong, but as I thought back on that night days later, I couldn't help it. I was feeling these unhealthy, totally destructive feelings of attraction towards him. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't and that it was just because I was lonely, but that wasn't what I kept coming back to.

It was the fact that while I was watching him with these girls, he never took his expressive eyes off of me. Every move, every touch he gave to them, he did while keeping eye contact with me as I watched him. He knew I was watching, and from the smirk on his face the entire time, I think that he liked it. It made my palms sweat and my heart pound, and he knew that he was having that kind of affect on me.

I couldn't believe that he would do that to me. He knew our boundaries; the consequences for something like that were even worse for him. I was off limits to him, not just because of the fact that I was married, but because of _who_ I was married to. It wasn't right for either of us to even entertain an attraction, yet it was there, and it was undeniable.

Our conversations over the past week had been more and more intense, and he kept sneaking little touches in when we would talk. He would touch my knee, or brush my hand, put his palm against he flat of my back when we were walking together, and it was like he was running an electric current through my body. I had never felt anything like it, even my husband didn't make me feel like that.

_That_ was the reason I was acting so carelessly. _That_ was the reason I was standing in the lobby of the Dana Hotel with this tiny little key card in my hand, and _that_ was why I was actually contemplating going up to the suite he was probably waiting for me in right now.

My ring finger seemed to be taunting me, the shiny diamond sparkling in the dim lighting. I slid both rings off my finger and tucked them into the inside pocket of my purse as I took several deep breaths and pressed the up button next to the elevator.

I jumped a little when the elevator reached the lobby and made a loud ding as the doors slid open. There was no one inside and I quickly stepped in and pressed the door close button before I lost my nerve.

When he placed that business card in my hand the other morning after we spent the day at the aquarium, he told me that it was just so we had a quiet place to talk alone. He told me that we needed to discuss what was happening like mature adults. I wanted to believe him, but the intense way that he was staring at me told me exactly why he gave me this, and I knew that by coming here, I was succumbing to our attraction to each other. It was wrong, and we both knew it, but there was no fighting it anymore.

As the elevator doors opened on the twenty-second floor, I stepped out quickly and scanned the corridor for the room number the desk clerk had just told me.

I stepped up to the door at room 2226 and raised my trembling hand up to swipe the key in the door handle.

_You can do this, it's just talking, you don't have to let things get out of hand._ I told myself, even though I knew it was a lie.

The fact that I was wearing a dark blue lace bra and panty set, complete with a garter belt and stockings, under my dress proved that I knew that we weren't going to just be talking anymore. I knew this, and yet here I was, staring at the little blinking green light and pushing my hand down on the door handle.

As I stepped inside and closed the door, I noticed the lights were off and the only thing I could see was the faint outline of him standing on the balcony. The drapes billowed in the night air as I walked towards him.

There was a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket next to the large king sized bed, and I knew that I should just turn around and walk out the door and pretend this never happened, but I couldn't. We couldn't escape each other, it was fate. I knew that, he knew that, and if it didn't happen now, it was going to happen eventually.

At least if it was happening here, and while Emmett was out of town, we weren't going to get caught. Maybe if I just got this out of my system, it would go away. The temptation of the forbidden fruit would be lost and I could just walk away. Sure it would be awkward, but he was young; he probably had dozens of conquests vying for his affections.

I was just steps away from him now, his tall form leaning over on the concrete wall of the balcony. He was wearing a form fitting gray t-shirt and dark wash jeans slung low enough on his hips for me to see that there wasn't anything underneath them.

My heart was threatening to beat out of my chest as I stepped closer to him; he was still oblivious to my presence with the sound of traffic wafting up from the city below. I could feel a small trickle of sweat slide down the side of my neck and along my shoulder as I stepped closer to him. The August heat was billowing into the room through the doorway, but that wasn't why I was sweating. I was sweating because I was steps away from changing my entire life.

There was no going back from this. If I made this decision, if I let this happen, it would never be the same. Even if no one ever found out about this, I would know, and we would continue to share this secret every time we saw each other from now on. Holidays, birthdays, weddings, every single time we were in the same room together I would inevitably flash back to what happened this night, in this room, with this man.

I closed my eyes and took the last few steps towards him, immediately feeling the warm wind blowing along my bare shoulders, making the hem of my dress ripple as I reached out to touch his shoulder.

I could see the muscles of his back tense as I made contact with him, and his hand immediately left the railing and covered mine. It eclipsed mine in both its size and warmth and I shivered at the contact of our skin. I was immediately doused in this warm sensation stemming from my hand, and it ignited a fire within me that threatened to destroy me; it probably would as long as I allowed this to continue.

"Bella," he whispered as he pulled on my hand and turned to face me. The way he said my name was intoxicating. I had heard it everyday of my life, but when he said it, it sent shock waves through my entire body. His deep velvety voice was coaxing hidden desires out of me.

He reached over to cup my cheek with his large hand and when my brown eyes met his deep green ones, I couldn't help the involuntary shudder that swept down my spine as I took in the beauty of the man before me. I had met him when he was an awkward teenager, but now he was anything but. He was a tall, lean, strong man who seemed to be able to see to the very depths of my soul. His hair was tousled more than normal and I could tell that it was because he had been running his hands through it like he always did when he was nervous.

"Edward, I….." I breathed out as he continued to look lustfully into my eyes, the coarse pad of his thumb sweeping across my cheekbone.

A long pale finger came up to my lips to silence me and before I could try to move it away, it was replaced with two warm, full, insistent lips. I moaned at the contact and instinctively parted my lips as they moved with his, increasing the fire coursing through my veins. His strong arms encircled my waist and pulled me flush against him, our bodies pressed up against each other as if they were one.

The feel of his chiseled torso and his evident desire for me pressed up against my hip set a frenzy in motion. My hands immediately buried themselves in his luxurious bronze locks. I had always wondered what it would feel like to touch them and the reality of it didn't disappoint.

I was surrounded with his heady masculine scent and it increased the flow of moisture between my legs. The trip up the elevator set my body in motion, and every touch, every brush of our lips together was fueling me further. I couldn't stop now, my body wouldn't let me, and as his hands moved down to my cup my thighs, every objection I had was instantly thrown out the window.

His long slender fingers dug into my flesh as his lips left mine and he drug them down my cheek, along my jaw, down my neck, and I gasped in surprise when they latched onto the sensitive skin above my collarbone. My hips bucked towards his instinctively and he growled against my neck as his hands slipped under the hem of my dress, finding purchase on the exposed skin just below the lace of the garter belt.

"Shit Bella, what are you wearing?" he grunted as his fingers fumbled with the straps holding my stockings up.

Coherent thoughts, much less speech, were out of the question at that point and I hopelessly whimpered as his fingers released the clasps on the back of the garter belt and he squeezed the newly exposed skin while using his nose to push aside the tiny strap of my dress.

His teeth latched onto the strap and he pulled it fully off my shoulder painfully slow, exposing the swell of my breast visible above the demi cup of my strapless bra. Immediately, his tongue darted out of his mouth, licking across the newly exposed skin as I made an embarrassing mewling noise. I could feel my face flush as he continued to attack me with his tongue and mouth.

When he began to slowly peel the tops of my stockings down on the back of my legs, I pulled his head down to my chest where he began to flick his tongue against my lace confinements, my nipples pebbling with his warm breath.

A gust of warm wind surged around the both of us, and I remembered that we were exposed on the balcony to the bystanders below. Even though we were twenty something stories up, I was still irrationally frightened, and somewhat aroused that we might be spotted.

I placed both of my hands on his warm cheeks and pulled his head away from my chest, a surprised whimper slipping out of his mouth as he reluctantly released my thighs from his strong hands.

My breath was coming out in large gasps and pants as I tried to formulate words that he might understand. When his soulful green eyes flashed with rejection, I brought his lips back to my own and placed a searing open-mouthed kiss on them, pleading with him to understand that I wanted this too. I managed to pull away long enough to whimper, "Inside," and then I found myself licking along his bottom lip as he reached back under my dress and pulled my legs up to wrap around his waist.

Once we were through the sliding glass door, he began to kiss along my neck again and my legs tightened around him. He groaned as his denim covered erection made contact with my lace covered center.

"Oh god, do you have any idea how long I have waited to do this to you?" he groaned as he pressed me against his erection, bucking his hips into me as he tried to kick off his shoes.

I couldn't even begin to contemplate the implications of a statement like that. I didn't want to know if he had been imagining this moment as long as I had. Luckily, before I could dwell on it he had kicked off his shoes and was lowering me onto the soft down comforter covering the large king sized bed.

This had already gone farther than I had ever anticipated or even knew that I desired, but as he looked at me with his half lidded green eyes, I knew that I wanted this, no…..I _needed_ this more than anything else. The connection we shared was a force of nature and it was sweeping us both up into this haze of lust and other feelings that I wasn't prepared to be feeling towards him.

We stared at each other for several moments, both of our chests heaving with our labored breaths, each one daring the other to make the next move. I could see the muscles underneath his shirt flexing as he balled his hands into fists at his sides. He was fighting it, but I could tell from his intense stare that he wanted me. He was looking at me with the same intense gaze that he had when he was grinding himself into those girls in front of me at that club.

I could tell that his resolve was crumbling when his tongue made a sweep along his swollen lower lip and then he grunted, "Fuck it," right before he lowered himself on top of me, capturing my lips with his own again.

This kiss was different than the frantic ones that we had shared outside on the balcony, his lips were slowly moving against mine; his full lower lip was between both of mine as his hands were rhythmically running up the sides of my dress. His tongue tentatively swept along my upper lip and I parted my mouth to his, offering myself to him. Our tongues brushed up against each other reverently and he groaned into my mouth at the sensation.

My hands were roaming the strong muscles on his shoulders and upper back as he brought his hands down to my thighs and released the final two clasps on my garter belt. His long fingers hooked into the lace at the top of my stockings and he began to peel them from my heated flesh inch by inch, as our tongues continued their sensual dance.

When the stockings had each been rolled down to my knees, he leaned back and began to run kisses along my neck and down the front of my dress as he finished freeing my legs. As he reached my heels, he gently pulled them from my feet, along with the stockings, and dropped them to the floor at the foot of the bed with a gentle thud.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he gently cupped one of my ankles with his large hands and began running kisses up my leg as he made his way back towards me. He stopped when he reached the hem of my dress and leaned back to grip the hem of his shirt before he slowly pulled the offending garment from his body and tossed it over his shoulder.

Years spent in a pool were clearly evident as I unabashedly took in his pristine physique. His broad shoulders, firm pecs, and defined abs showed that he like to take care of his body, and I could feel the saliva pool in my mouth as I suddenly felt the urge to lick him.

Amusement was clear in his eyes as his mouth curled up into his signature crooked grin. He knew that I was enjoying the show, and as he crawled back up the mattress towards me I ran my hands up his chest and moaned at the sensation.

"You like what you see?" he taunted me in his delicious voice as I ran my fingertips along the indentations on his lower torso.

I dumbly nodded my head as he let out a low chuckle and leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"It's only fair that you show me yours since I showed you mine," he said as he ran his tongue along the shell of my ear, causing me to arch my body up towards him.

I grasped the hair at the back of his neck and roughly tugged him back to my mouth as he placed his full weight upon me. Our mouths crashed together forcefully as he began to tug at the hem of my dress. I arched my back towards him and lifted my hips into his so he could lift the material up until it was bunched up around my waist.

His large hands roamed the bare skin along my hips and thighs, and I moaned into his mouth when he grabbed my ass and ground himself into me. The friction was becoming unbearable, and we still had far too many barriers separating ourselves.

"Too many clothes," I mumbled as he began to suck on the soft skin behind my ear again, causing me to cry out when his teeth latched onto my earlobe and gave it a tug. He grunted in agreement and his hands began to tug at the lace scraps covering me.

His fingers found the clasp at the back of the garter belt and he deftly released the hooks and threw the tiny scrap of lace to the carpet beside the bed. I tried to reach forward to the button on his pants, but he grabbed my wrists and forced them above my head as he continued nibble along my neck.

"Stay," he commanded as he leaned back and knelt over me with his thighs straddling my legs tightly.

I complied with his wishes as he began to run a single finger along the skin of my hipbone. I tried to bite back a giggle as he continued his feather light touches, but when his finger traced over the top of my panties and down to the apex of my thighs, I couldn't hold in the moan that burst from my lips as I pressed my head back into the mattress.

"More," I whimpered as he lightly pressed his finger against my clit through the lace and began to run lazy circles around it.

His touches were driving me insane, and the cocky smirk on his face showed that he knew exactly what he was doing to me. He was playing my body like an instrument with his talented fingers and we hadn't even gotten very far yet. He was bound to drive me insane with lust by the time we even got our clothing removed.

I gasped when his finger pressed into me a little more firmly and my hips were squirming against his legs as he continued his teasing caresses.

Small moans and whimpers were echoing around us as he continued to tease me while he had me pinned down beneath him. My hands fisted in my hair as he brought his other hand to the top of my strapless bra and began to run his thumb over my left nipple. He wasn't even touching my bare skin yet and I could already feel the overwhelming tightening in my abdomen as he pushed me towards my release.

I was going to explode if he didn't do something soon, and I was beginning to wonder if it was worth breaking his command and forcing his hand. The thought of him dominating me like this, and maybe even punishing me was too much to bear as I leaned myself up and began to pull down the zipper on the side of my dress.

His eyes darkened as a low growl built in his chest and he grabbed my hands to cease my movements.

He leaned forward as he shifted his legs, nudging my legs apart with his and settled in between them pressing his weight into me.

"Did I say that you could move?" he asked in a dangerously low voice as his face hovered inches above my own, my hands pinned to the bed underneath his.

I shook my head and he growled at me again before he crashed his lips into mine, pulling back shortly after. I was beginning to enjoy his game. Em was never like this in bed with me; he was the dominant one, but he wasn't playful like this and it was making me even wetter for Edward.

"Now if we try this again, are you going to stay still for me?"

I nodded my head and tried not to smile as he arched one of his perfectly sculpted eyebrows at me, daring me to challenge him. Who knew that all these years he was capable of acting like this? I had never seen this side of him and I wanted to see more.

"Good," he said as he slowly pushed my wrists above my head again and then lowered his fingers to the zipper I was trying to undo minutes earlier.

He pulled it all the way down agonizingly slow and then said "up" as he leaned away from me.

I leaned up as far as I could from the mattress and he began to slowly pull the dress up from my waist and over my head, putting an arm around my back and holding me against him once it was off. He tossed the dress to the side of the bed and leaned his head forward to capture my mouth before he lowered me back to the bed.

The slow intense kisses returned and my fingers twitched to reach out to him as his hands grasped me by the hips and he ground his lower half into me.

I was going to implode if he didn't do something soon, and I was still convinced that he was wearing too many clothes, but I was enjoying our game too much to stop it. This wasn't about a quick romp to him. He seemed to be really getting into it and the way that he looked at me when he was touching me was different than I was used to. It was like he was trying to memorize every inch of skin that was revealed to him. My body had never been worshipped like this, and between this touch, his smell, and the way that he felt pressed against me, I had a feeling that this was going to be the most intense sexual experience in my life.

"God Bella, you look so sexy underneath me," he said to me softly as he kissed me on the side of my neck before he slid down my body, leaving a trail of wet kisses along my shoulders, across my stomach and down to my thighs.

My hands were gripping the pillow underneath my head tightly as he ran his nose along my panties and inhaled deeply. Every move he made was foreign to me, but my body had never felt so responsive before; I was hyperaware of every single touch he was giving me. I wished that I could touch him too because it was driving me insane not to explore his body, but I was going to try to enjoy myself while he was so bent on pleasuring me.

He began to slowly slide the stops of my panties down my hips, kissing my skin softly as he made his way down.

The tension was killing me; it had almost been a month since I had release at the hand of someone besides myself. Even then, it had been rushed and he had resigned to lying back on the bed with his arms behind his head while I controlled everything. He didn't even touch me, and afterwards, he kissed me on the forehead, rolled over, and went to sleep.

Once my panties were down around my ankles, he stepped off the end of the bed while maintaining eye contact with me and pulled them off the rest of the way, twirling them around his finger before he dropped them to the floor. He was beyond cocky, and he was obviously in control, but it was amazing nonetheless.

While I was still watching him, he brought his hands to the button on his pants and flicked it open quickly. I licked my lips in anticipation because I knew that I would not be disappointed with what was underneath them, and waited. Excruciatingly slow, he lowered the zipper, and pulled the flap open before he began to lower them down his long legs.

My assumption from earlier was correct and when he had lowered them past his hips, his erection sprung free from its constraints.

I sucked in a breath as I took in his appearance and I rubbed my legs together to try to create some friction. He was beautiful, there was no other word for it. The broad shoulders, slim hips, defined muscles, toned legs - they were all beautiful, but those things paled in comparison to what had been hiding under his pants.

It was larger than I was used to, and but it seemed proportional considering his substantial height. I had never really considered that part of the male anatomy all that attractive, but I found myself aching to touch it; it was beautiful.

He seemed to be pleased with my reaction and I almost lost it and jumped off the bed at him when he took his hand and ran it down his length while looking at me. When he released himself, I licked my lips as he began to crawl back up the bed, and I swore I could see him twitch when I arched myself up against him as he settled himself in between my legs.

Edward's hands slid up my stomach and curved up to cup my breasts through my bra as he brought his lips to my neck. When he pulled down one of the cups with his fingers and trailed his tongue down to my nipple, I arched against him and moaned at the sensation of his mouth on my chest.

He brought one hand down my side slowly and ran his fingertips down over my hip, teasing the sensitive skin as he moved his large hand to cup the back of my thigh and brought it up so my foot was laying flat against the bed beside him. I was panting and writhing as his hand began to run across the top of my thigh and down to my center.

"Touch me," I whispered breathily as I fought to keep my hands still.

He chuckled against my chest, the vibrations sending a shockwave through my body and I tried desperately not to rub myself against his chest. His fingers began to run along the patch of sensitive skin at the side of my hip as he began to nip and tug at my nipple, causing me to moan and throw my head back again.

When I arched my back up towards him again, he reached around the back of me with one hand and unhooked my bra, sliding it off of me and throwing it to the side without breaking contact with my skin. He began licking and nuzzling the underside of my breast and ran a line of kisses up the center of them while his lower hand continued its torturous trail up and down my thigh, never touching me where I wanted him the most.

"Please," I whimpered as he began to tug at my other nipple with his teeth lightly. I resorted to begging, and he just sat back and chuckled at me as he rubbed his hardness against my thigh; he really was trying to torture me.

"Please let me touch you," I begged as I pounded my fists into the pillow above my head. If sexual frustration was capable of killing someone, I was surely going to die.

His hands made their way back up my body and he gently pried my fists open and laced his fingers with mine as he began to kiss his way back to my mouth. I was completely overheated and wound up tight, so when his lips softly pressed against mine, I bucked up against him and sucked his lower lip into my mouth.

He moaned against me and I could feel the tip of him press against my upper thigh, dangerously close to my wetness. If I just pushed my hips up slightly he would be right there, and it was taking all of my self-control to let him lead me. He was the one who arranged this, initiated this, and he was in complete control and he knew it.

When I bit down on his lip, he bucked his hips into me with a groan, and then he released my hands and began pinching and kneading my breasts as his tongue thrust forcefully into my mouth.

I tried to coax him by pressing my hips against his, but then he pulled away from me panting, holding onto my hips tightly.

"God Bella, you are going to make me lose control," he panted, his lips hovering above mine as he fought against his urges.

"Do it," I said breathily, looking deep into his eyes. "Do it, lose control. Take me. I need you, please."

I could see the struggle in his eyes as he stilled himself above me, our chests pressed tightly together, moving against each other with each breath. It was almost as if he was afraid of actually touching me like that. There was no going back from this. The second he entered me, he was claiming my body and that had more implications than either of us could begin to deal with.

My eyes probably reflected the same emotions. I knew this was wrong; I knew this meant betrayal and throwing away my vows, but I had never, not once in my entire life, felt a connection this intense before. This went way beyond my physical attraction to Edward; this went bone deep. I was drawn to him in a way that frightened and excited me at the same time. He understood me, we knew everything about each other. He knew my deepest secrets and hidden flaws, and still he wanted me, and I him.

I lifted my hand and gently ran it through his hair. I knew it was a tender gesture, but we were teetering on the edge of this and I needed to know if we were jumping into the void together. His eyes closed as he leaned his head into my hand, humming lightly at the sensation of my fingers on his scalp.

"Bella, I…..," he started, his eyes opening and flashing with something other than the lust we had both been feeling.

"I know, I'm scared too," I said softly. I really was; I was terrified, but I also knew that if I denied this, it would eat away at me.

He leaned forward and kissed me. It was closed mouthed and soft, but it expressed so much. It was his promise that we were in this together, and strangely enough, I felt safe with him.

As my other hand ran along his side, he positioned himself above me so he was supported by his elbows on either side of my chest. He slowly ran his hands through my hair, pushing it away from my face, caressing my cheeks with each pass.

I could feel him twitching at my opening; he was still hesitating, but there was something else in his eyes, something burning in those deep green pools that was slowly working its way to the surface with each pass of our hands.

Without any further hesitation, he placed his lips on mine, his tongue instantly seeking the warmth of my mouth as his head slipped though my lips. We both moaned into each other's mouths at the sensation and I lifted my hips slightly as he continued to push into me. Once he was fully sheathed inside of me, I let out a long shuddering breath against his lips as I adjusted to him.

He was frozen above me, his arm muscles straining as he fought to keep his composure. I was filled completely, it was as if we were pieces of the same puzzle; we fit together perfectly.

After a few moments, he began to rock his hips against mine gently and I eagerly met each movement with one of my own. His hands moved from my hair to my shoulders and his mouth began to run long wet kisses along my jaw and down my neck as I arched my chest against him.

I couldn't get close enough to him. We were completely wrapped up in each other; he was moving inside me, and yet I had the urge to crawl inside of him. Even in this intimate act, we still weren't close enough and as he picked up the pace, lightly thrusting in and then pulling back out, I could feel emotions stirring inside of me that had never been let out.

"God, being inside of you is like heaven," he whispered in my ear as his hips began to grind against mine, one of his hands moving down to grip me forcefully by the hip as our movements became more urgent.

Every stroke made my body come alive for him, the burning sensation spinning out of control. Little beads of sweat were running down my body, and the heat was unbearable being underneath him. Having him all around me, I was suffocating in the most intoxicating way, gasping for breath, completely overcome by passion.

He was whispering things in my ear, kissing my cheeks, and chin, and mouth as his warm breath fanned out over my face. He smelled like honey soap and spices - warm and inviting - and it filled all my senses as I returned each small kiss on his shoulders and his strong neck. I ran my hands up and down his strong muscular back, feeling the perspiration as my hands slid over his smooth skin.

I could feel the muscles in my legs tensing, and I could tell by his movements that he was right there with me as we fought to keep this connection. Once this was over, there were no guarantees. This could be it for us; the only time we could ever truly share ourselves with each other. I wanted to savor every moment of him inside of me; each stroke driving me closer to the edge, each movement of his long lean muscles bringing me to the brink.

I lifted my legs up and threw them around his hips as he continued to push into me and he groaned against my neck at the sensation, the deeper angle this allowed him to be inside of me. I was rocking with him, forcing my hips into his, the friction pushing me even further towards release.

The tingling sensation was starting in my toes and slowly working its way up through my legs as Edward's movements became harsher, less controlled.

"Harder," I whispered in his ear between moans as his hair fell down into my face.

He leaned back and brought one of his arms up so he could hold onto the headboard as he angled his hips and drove further into me. His green eyes held mine in an intense stare as he continued to push into me deeper each stroke, fighting it. I could see his arms tense and his other hand was fisted into the pillow above my head.

He leaned back a little further and brought his arm up next to my side, holding himself away from me as he drove into me. The new angle was hitting me over and over again in the most intense place and I could feel my muscles beginning to sporadically tense around him.

"Oh, god…right there…," I panted as one of my legs dropped back to the bed. I was writhing around him, fighting to maintain control.

His mouth quirked into a small smile and one of his eyebrows was raised as he continued to repeat his action over and over again, my moans getting increasingly louder with every stroke. He was proud of himself for making me feel this way. The cocky bastard knew exactly what he was doing and from the look on his face, he was enjoying it.

I brought one of my hands around my hip as I arched myself off of the bed, reaching around to stroke his balls as he was holding himself over me. I had never done this before, but I knew that it would drive him insane and I wanted to have that same control over him that he obviously had over me.

I began to softly massage and knead the skin between my fingers and his hips began to jerk as he let out a low groan.

"Fuck," he grunted as he brought his hand down from the headboard and smacked it down to the side of my head, throwing himself into his movements. I could tell I was getting to him and brought my hand back around to my stomach.

I held onto his hip with one hand and ran the other along my stomach up to my breasts and back down while he watched me. He was panting and his hair was hanging down in his face as he tried to maintain control.

It was my turn now; my turn to play with him, to tease him, to drive him out of control. He was always so in control and I wanted him to just let go.

I continued to slide my hand lower and lower. I licked my lips and gasped as my fingers reached my clit. His eyes darkened as he watched me flick my fingertip over my swollen flesh. My hips jerked into him as I continued to lightly run my finger over myself.

His control was waning, and I was getting closer and closer with each movement of his hips. I was so close, just needing a little bit more to drive myself over the edge, and I wanted to bring him with me; we were in this together.

The deep green eyes were flickering between my eyes and watching me touch myself as he continued to hold himself over me. I removed my hand and his brows furrowed as I slowly brought two of my fingers to my mouth and licked them. His eyes flashed with something indecipherable as I spread the moisture out over my fingers and then slowly moved them down my body.

He growled as I returned my fingers to myself and began to press them more firmly into my skin. I was right there, on the edge, just waiting for him to drive me into that warm oblivion. His chest was heaving above me as he angled his hips again and began to thrust into me more forcefully.

"Yes," I gasped out as I began to feel the contractions of my muscles around him; those first tremors that sent the endorphins running through my body on the brink of an orgasm.

"Fuck Bella," he grunted as he continued his torturous pace, driving my head into the pillow with each movement.

My back began to tense and arch as my orgasm built speed. My other leg dropped to the bed and I pushed up with my feet so my hips met his at each thrust.

"Oh god Edward, let go, come with me," I moaned out as he continued to pant and groan above me, maintaining eye contact with me as my muscles began to clench around him forcefully.

"Bella, my beautiful Bella," he moaned out as I could feel him harden and flex inside of me.

With two more harsh strokes, his body stilled and his back arched out as every muscle in his arms and neck tensed. I brought my hands around and forced him inside of me further as I felt him release into me in forceful bursts. I could see stars in my vision and ringing in my ears as I was riding the most powerful orgasm I had ever experienced in my life. My entire body was numb, and my hips were jerking into his with aftershocks as I could feel each subtle movement of him inside of me.

As my muscles began to relax and the flashes in my vision subsided, he collapsed to his elbows, gasping and fighting for air as he laid wet kisses along my collarbone and neck. I was smiling blindly as I ran my hands up his sides and back, basking in the afterglow with this amazing man. Sex had never been like this for me before. It was an amazing release, and I had felt something before, but this was what they talked about when they meant that sex could be earth shattering.

I could feel his sides twitch as I slowly brought my fingertips up his soft skin, and I could feel him smiling against my neck as his breathing returned to normal. I giggled as I touched a particularly sensitive spot near his hip and he jerked into me.

"Stop tickling," he moaned into my ear as I ran small circles over the soft patch of skin.

"Make me," I teased him as I brought my other hand to the other side of his hip and mirrored my actions.

He growled into my shoulder and bit down lightly. I jerked my hips towards him in reflex and we both moaned, feeling him twitch inside of me.

I never wanted this to end; I wanted him to stay inside of me forever. I didn't want to break this connection. I wanted to stay wrapped up with him and escape reality for just a little longer.

He began to kiss me lightly on the side of my neck and brush the sweaty hair off my cheeks with his fingertips as we laid in the dark silence of the room. I turned my head and kissed his cheek as I drew my hands up his back and over his shoulders.

His head tilted towards me and his lips lightly brushed against mine. I responded in kind and he framed my face with his large hands as we continued our slow, soft kiss. I expected this to be awkward, but it wasn't at all. It was intimate and slow, and I could feel every ounce of passion he was pouring into this kiss.

After a few moments, he pulled back slightly, both of us panting, my legs tense around his thighs as he lay there inside of me.

I smiled shyly as he gazed into my eyes and I whimpered as I could feel him slowly pull himself out of me. He rolled me onto my side with him, and brought an arm around my back and drew me close to him so our chests were pressed together.

He reached forward and kissed my cheek lightly as he hugged me to him and placed his chin on the top of my head. I didn't know what to say to him. How do you tell someone that they just gave you the most intense experience of your life? Especially considering the circumstances, what if he thought this was a mistake? I knew that I didn't but there were no guarantees from him. Sure he was tender, and the words he said to me were more than just things you say to someone in the heat of the moment, but this was new and scary, and the reality of things were starting to settle into my chest.

How could we even continue this? Would we just meet here? What would I do when I went home and had to face _him?_

I couldn't even begin to think about the ramifications of what we had just done, and the thing was, I didn't even really care. This was worth it, _Edward_ was worth it. All the trouble and pain and destruction this could cause was worth it. But was I worth it to him?

"Bella?"

"Hmmm," I hummed against his chest.

"I'm going to go shower, would you like to join me?" he asked in a whisper, his voice cracking slightly.

I nodded my head against his chest and he unwrapped himself from me and climbed off of the bed, offering his hand to help me off as well. Always the gentleman, even after something like this.

As he pulled me to my feet, he kissed me lightly on the top of my head and curled an arm around my waist as he led me towards the bathroom.

It was large and open, and even though it was dark, I could see our reflection in the mirror ahead of us. His goofy grin reflected mine, and I felt a little more at ease as he turned the knob and a dim light flooded the room.

There was a large glass enclosed shower stall to the left of the large mirror. He released me, and I slipped into the small separate water closet and closed the door as he pulled open the glass door and pulled the lever to start the spray of water.

When finished and I opened the door, the room was starting to fill with steam and he was leaning against the countertop with his arms crossed over his chest waiting for me. His bronze hair was sticking up in disarray and he was smiling at me as I shyly strode back towards him.

He pushed himself away from the counter and enveloped me in his arms, pressing me against his warm chest.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered in my ear as he reached behind him to re-open the shower door.

He grabbed me by the hand and led me into the large tiled stall and we stood under the spray of water staring at each other for several minutes.

He sighed and reached behind me to grab a washcloth and squirted a small amount of soap from one of the small bottles inside of the ledge in the corner of the shower.

Edward began to wash my body slowly, bringing the soft cloth over every inch of my skin. I watched him as he took in every inch of me, slowly caressing and cleaning me. When he was finished, he positioned me under the spray and reached over to lather some shampoo into his large palms.

He kissed me on the cheek and began to rub the shampoo through my hair, carefully combing out the tangles with his fingers. I closed my eyes as he continued to wash my body reverently. When he was finished I opened my eyes and smiled at him, and began to return the favor.

His body was so long and every part of him had lean and defined muscles as I ran my hands over the planes of his back and down his legs. I hadn't really gotten a good look at him in the darkness of the bedroom, but now that I was, I was still in awe of him.

Once we finished our shower, he turned off the water and leaned out the door to grab two of the large fluffy towels from the rack hanging on the wall.

We dried each other off in silence; I still didn't know what to say to him. I was afraid of what he might say back to me. If I broke the silence, the spell we had over each other might fade and I didn't want it to become awkward.

When we were dry, we wrapped the towels around our bodies and walked back into the bedroom. He was following closely behind me, but he still wasn't touching me.

I stood at the foot of the bed with my back to him and wondered how this was all going to work again. Was this the only night I would have with him? If it was, I didn't want to talk about things, I just wanted to enjoy it while it lasted; before the sun came up and everything changed again.

Just as I was beginning to turn to talk to him, the low melody of my cell phone began to ring out from my purse and I rushed over to where it had ended up in a chair by the door and pulled it out.

I knew who it was, and I was instantly panicking as the gravity of what I had just done was kicking in. Taking in a deep breath, I pushed the talk button and held it up to my ear.

"Hello?" I said timidly, willing my voice not to crack.

"Hey Bells, I was just checking in, we just got back to our rooms," he said in a tired voice.

"How did it go today?" I asked, wishing I could see what Edward was doing behind me. I could hear his harsh breathing and knew that he was standing behind me while I was talking.

"Same old shit, you know how boring these conferences can be. Oh, the real reason I called is because my mom wanted to see if you had talked to my brother. She can't get a hold of him and needs to see if he is going to come to your birthday dinner in a few weeks. Do you know where he is?"

My heart began to beat erratically in my chest. How was I supposed to tell my husband that his little brother was currently standing behind me wearing nothing but a towel after he had just given me a mind blowing orgasm?

I took a few shaky breaths and responded as normally as I could.

"Um, no, I don't know where he is right now. I'm sure he's probably on campus studying or something, but I will tell him to call home if I see him," I said quickly, knowing that I was now going to hell.

"Oh, alright, well I'm really tired and I think I am going to head to bed. I'll talk to you later honey, I love you."

"Um, you too Em, goodnight."

As the line on the other end went dead, I began to take in deep breaths as I closed my phone and dropped it back into my purse.

I was afraid to turn around, to see the look on Edward's face when he realized who I was just talking to. I couldn't handle this, I couldn't handle it if he regretted this.

Before I could even try to will myself to turn around, two strong arms embraced me from behind and he pulled me against his solid chest.

He leaned down and kissed the side of my neck before he whispered something in my ear that made my heart race out of control.

"Bella, you are lucky that my brother doesn't know you as well as I do, because you are the world's worst liar. Now come back to bed before I have to drag you there…."

It was official, I _was_ going to hell, but I was going to love every minute of it.


	4. Birthday Surprises and China Closets

**Disclaimer: Don't own twilight, but my mother-in-law does have a china closet...too bad she doesn't keep an Edward in there.**

**Song in this chapter: The Nearness of You ~ Norah Jones, Come Away With Me  
**

* * *

**Birthday Surprises and China Closets**

My birthday was never a day that I actually looked forward to, especially after I turned twenty-five. Other than ones that mark how many decades have passed by, there really aren't any past that particular one that mark anything extraordinary. I was old enough to smoke, old enough to drink, and as of the year before last, I was old enough to get a break on my car insurance rates; after that particular milestone, nothing, not a damn thing.

So to say that I was excited about my twenty-seventh birthday, as I stared out at the buildings we passed on our way to Evanston, was a gross miscalculation.

Up until a few weeks ago, my life had gone relatively according to plan. I graduated high school, moved halfway across the country to get away from both sets of parents, made friends, got into a prestigious college, earned exemplary marks, met the man I was going to marry, graduated from school, found the job of my dreams, married the man I met in college, bought a brownstone in a quaint Chicago neighborhood. Then two years ago, the foundation of my plans started to crack, and just two weeks ago, it all came crashing down.

"_God, Bella, oh god, fuck, I'm…..I'm gonna….," Edward moaned as I continued to grind my hips on top of him, my hands digging into the muscles of his chest as I was riding out the last waves of my second orgasm of the night._

_His large hands were clamped down on my hips as I continued to gyrate onto him, my movements becoming more frantic as my moans echoed throughout the darkened room._

_My entire body was alight with a burning, tingling sensation as I could feel him harden and then release into my body. His face contorted in ecstasy as his neck muscles tensed and he bucked his hips into mine, letting out a low, strangled moan that vaguely sounded like my name._

_As his body relaxed back into the mattress, I collapsed forward on his chest, tucking my face into the side of his neck and breathed in his warm, masculine scent._

_His large hands were running lazy patterns over the exposed skin of my back, pleasant warming sensations following his motions. _

_I knew that I shouldn't be feeling this comfortable with him, especially considering the fact that what we were doing was so wrong. But in this moment, the world just stopped; and we existed in a bubble away from all of the drama that was sure to come._

No matter where I was, every day for the past seventeen days, my mind has wandered. My palms have sweat. I found myself breathing heavy just at the thought of what we'd done, and yet no calls - _not one_ - no texts, no emails, no love letters, _nothing_. He lives literally on the other side of the neighborhood from us, less than a mile away, and I haven't seen or heard from him since he kissed me on the cheek and shut the door to the suite behind him.

"You alright Bells?"

The familiar voice of the man I should be focusing on brought me out of my constant worries and back to reality, for the moment.

"Um, what? Oh, yeah Em, sorry, I just spaced out there for a minute," I said as he squeezed my thigh with the hand that had been resting there since we got into the car ten minutes ago.

_I have been trying to feel guilty about what happened between Edward and I for the past two weeks, and believe me, I have beaten myself up plenty for not feeling that way. But I'm not guilty. I don't regret it, and even if nothing ever comes of it, that night I spent with Edward was one of the best nights of my entire life. I had never felt anything remotely that intense for another person before, and even though it may have been wrong, and completely amoral, and not to mention illegal, I won't ever regret it. _

_The only problem is, if he never plans on talking to me about it, what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I mean, I love Emmett, I have loved Emmett for almost six years now, he's my husband, we built a life together. Am I supposed to throw that all away because I am not exactly ecstatic at the current state of our marriage? Lots of people go through dry spells and rough patches, and they still stay together. I love Emmett, I really do, but after those intense twelve hours in that hotel suite, I'm not sure if I am in love with Emmett, or if I ever really was to begin with. _

"You excited about your birthday, baby?" he asked as he grinned over at me and shot me his dimples; the dimples that once made me adore this man.

"Sure, Em, I guess. You know how I am; I don't like people making a fuss, and your mother always does too much for me. I just don't want them to feel obligated to buy me expensive things. I don't need presents Em," I said as I returned to staring blankly out my window as the familiar streets of Evanston came into view.

The old Craftsman and Prairie style houses, the tree lined streets, the downtown shopping area with the brick covered streets. I had instantly fallen in love with this area when I moved here almost a decade ago, and I couldn't believe how long it had been since I started my coursework at Northwestern.

"I know Bells, but you are her daughter, and she loves you. With me and Eddie around, she never had a girl to spoil and you know that she loves shopping for you," he said as he pulled up to the large wrought-iron gate that led to the entrance to Carlisle and Esme's neighborhood.

After all these years, I was still intimidated by their house. The first time Emmett brought me home, I thought that I was going to have a panic attack when he pulled up to these same gates and punched in his entry code. I had never actually been inside a gated community before, so the whole concept was pretty foreign to me, and then when we passed by all of the enormous houses with the sprawling yards that were beyond the gate, I felt entirely overwhelmed.

I grew up in a tiny town in Washington until the age of five, when my parents separated and my mother moved with me to California. We lived in the Sacramento area for several years, and then when I was ten, we moved again to Phoenix, Arizona. Neither of my parents were poor by any means, but neither did they live in a gated community of a very affluent suburb of a major US city.

As the gates slid open, I found myself remembering meeting Edward for the first time.

_While Emmett was downstairs in Carlisle's study talking to his father about our plans to move in together the next semester, I found myself wandering around his old room, looking at all of the things that showed me who Emmett was when he was younger._

_He had numerous posters on the walls of classic muscle cars, stacks of magazines on his bookshelves, little miniature models lining the shelves. It was obvious that he was a car enthusiast. I found it a little odd that his bookshelf did not have any actual books on it, but I wasn't with Emmett for his love of books. That was my thing, not his._

_I sat on his bed for a few minutes and bounced. It was a large bed, and I found myself wondering if I was the first girl to ever be in it. We had talked about our histories, but I never wanted specific details because it was just embarrassing to talk about things like that._

_After ten minutes, I decided that I would explore the rest of this part of the house. He told me that there was a large library in between his room and his brother's that held many books that had been passed down from their grandfather. I remembered Em mentioning that his grandmother was a collector of vintage copies of classic literature, and I found myself wondering what books she had accumulated._

_In my in-class teaching experiences, I had already used several major pieces of classic literature from the early nineteenth century; that period had always fascinated me. _

_As I walked down the hallway, I could hear the faint dulcet tones of a piano coming from a door at the end of the hallway, and I wanted to know if it was just a CD or someone actually playing._

_I tentatively turned the door handle and was instantly assaulted with the comforting smell of old bindings and paper. That smell would never get old to me. Sometimes I would find myself sitting in the corner of the stacks, just sniffing the book I was studying. The aroma of old paper was strangely appealing to me._

_When the door was opened the rest of the way, I gasped when I noticed someone sitting at the piano in the corner of the room, facing a window overlooking the extensive backyard._

_It was a young man, who I assumed must be Emmett's younger brother, Edward, and I was entranced as I watched his form gracefully sway as his fingers ghosted over the keys of the piano._

_He was fairly lean, with a shocking head of bronze colored hair, which was sticking up in all sorts of directions, looking totally wild. I found myself holding my breath as a haunting melody sang out from the piano. I didn't recognize any of the piece he was playing, but it had a lonely, desperate quality to it that was achingly beautiful._

_I closed my eyes and continued to listen, and I didn't even realize how long I had been standing there until two large arms wrapped around my waist and I let out a started squeak._

"_What're ya doing Bells?" Em whispered in my ear, and then began nibbling on my neck._

_I tried to squirm out of his grasp, but he was holding me tightly, and when I laughed loudly, the music stopped abruptly and Em chuckled in my ear._

"_Ut oh, now he is gonna get all emo on us Bells, let's escape from the teenage angst," he teased as the piano player rose from the bench and turned to face us._

_When he was turned around completely, the look on his face was not one that I would have expected. He looked terrified, like he had seen a ghost, and I wondered what Em did to torment his poor little brother._

_Em released me and grabbed onto my hand, towing me to the other side of the room where his brother was still standing with his mouth half hanging open._

"_Dude Eddie, take a picture," Em boomed as he slapped his brother on the shoulder._

"_Bella, this is my obviously rude brother Eddie; Eddie, this is Bella, my girlfriend."_

"_Um, it's nice to meet you," I said, extending my hand timidly out to Edward._

_He stood there silent for a few moments, a look of shock still etched on his face, and I looked nervously from side to side before he seemed to snap out of it._

"_It's a pleasure Bella," he said grasping my hand firmly, sending a surge of warmth through my hand. "Please, call me Edward."_

_I nodded and he let go of my hand, glancing down at it curiously as Emmett laughed loudly._

"_Yeah, he may be sixteen, but he still acts like an old dude sometimes, Bells," Emmett said as he threw an arm over my shoulder. "Let's go find mom, she usually has some kind of snack we can steal from the kitchen before dinner."_

_Edward was still staring at me as I turned to leave the room with Emmett, and I smiled at him tentatively before we slipped out the door. He returned it with a shy crooked smile of his own, and I noticed how it genuinely reached his beautiful green eyes._

I guess I should have known then that there was something between us. His touch had always warmed me, but as we got to know each other better over the last six months, something sparked, and I couldn't even accurately explain the feelings that his touch evoked in me.

"You coming in Bells?" Emmett chuckled from the driver's seat as he unbuckled himself and reached for his door handle.

"Sorry Em, I guess I am just out of it today," I said nervously as I scanned the driveway before I climbed out of the car. No silver Volvo in sight; guess he wasn't here yet.

"I noticed space cadet; I guess that happens when you get old," he teased as he walked around to my side of the car and grabbed my hand.

"Well, you would know Em, you are the old man in this relationship after all."

"Ha, ha Bells, it just means I am that much wiser," he scoffed as we walked up the brick path that led to the front door of the house.

I didn't even know if _he_ was coming tonight. We never really talked about it the last time we were together. To tell you the truth, we never really talked about anything the last time we were together, unless you count dirty talking. Just because we shared one amazing night together didn't mean that he would want to be around me for my birthday; maybe he was tired of me now that it was out of his system.

"Wiseass," I muttered underneath my breath as Emmett reached for the door handle on the oversized front door of the brick mansion in front of us.

I took several deep breaths as he pushed the door open and followed him inside. The house was silent, as it usually was, and it just added to the apprehension that I was feeling inside about tonight's dinner.

"Hey, I'm gonna go find my dad, there is something I need to talk to him about," Emmett said as he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. "Come get us when dinner is ready, we'll probably be in his study having a drink."

_Great, now he was abandoning me on my birthday to go drink too much bourbon with his father in his 'study'_, aka the room where he hides from his wife before dinner.

I couldn't have married into a more cliché upper class family if I tried. It wasn't that Esme and Carlisle didn't love each other, because it was obvious that they did. It was just that the passion obviously was left for behind doors activities only, or died out a long time ago. I personally didn't want to end up with that kind of relationship twenty years down the line, but I guess Emmett was already preconditioned to act like that. The 'things I wish I knew before I walked down the aisle' list just seemed to keep getting longer and longer.

"Alright Em, I'll see you in a little bit, tell Carlisle I say hello."

"Will do Bells; go find my mom, she's probably in the kitchen," he responded before he swatted me playfully on the ass and headed for the main staircase.

I shook my head to dispel the negative thoughts before I made my way down the familiar hallway to the kitchen in the corner of the house.

I could hear the faint hum of a radio as I neared the door to the kitchen along with the typical sounds of water boiling and something simmering on the stove. Esme was sure to have prepared a four-course meal for my birthday because Em was one for eating her out of house and home if she didn't have enough food prepared. But not being prepared never happened in the Cullen house, so I was expecting to walk into a kitchen filled with food as per usual.

As I reached the door to the kitchen, I paused to make sure that she was in there alone. The last thing I needed was for _him_ to catch me by surprise and have me make a fool out of myself in front of his mother. Esme was a perceptive woman, and if I turned into a tomato for no reason upon entering her kitchen, she was bound to know that something was up.

_Alright Bella, you can do this, it's just Esme, she's harmless, right…right?_

I carefully pushed the swinging door in so I could step inside, and let out the breath that I was holding when I saw Esme standing in front of the cooktop _alone. _She was wearing her signature green apron over a nice burgundy colored, short sleeved dress and was stirring multiple pots at once. I stood and stared for a moment, listening to her humming along with the Norah Jones coming from her iHome kitchen dock while she swayed back and forth to the notes of _The Nearness of You._

…_..isn't your sweet conversation, that's thrills this sensation, oh no, it's just the nearness of you…._

…_...when you're in my arms, and I feel you….so close to me…..all my wildest dreams came true…_

…_..I need no soft lights to enchant me, if you will only grant me, the right to hold ever so tight, and to feel in the night….the nearness of you…_

Listening to the slow lyrics wash out over the kitchen, I felt my heart begin to beat a little faster, soaking in the connotations of such a sensual song. Each word that was being sung out pushed me back to that place I had been trying to ignore. Flashes of that night began to swim in my head as the song continued on. I stared down at the granite in front of me as the images became a little more clear.

_I could feel his hot breath fan out over my stomach as his sweaty mess of hair was sprawled out across my bare chest. The tips of his fingers were tracing lazy patterns over the tops of my thighs and hips, sending shockwaves of warmth coursing through my body._

_After spending another twenty minutes basking in the afterglow of when we returned to the bed, I was beginning to feel more and more aroused with each pass of his fingertips, but I wanted to actually talk to him about what was going on before he distracted me again._

"_Edward…" I said softly as I ran my fingers through his unruly bronze hair._

"_Hmmmm?" he hummed against my stomach, blowing a gust of warm air out over the contours of my hips._

"_What exactly are we doing?" I said softly, not sure how to broach this conversation. _

_His deep chuckle vibrated out from my stomach and I could feel the stubble on his chin tickling me as he changed the position of his head lower._

"_I thought is was pretty obvious what we were doing Bella," he whispered as I felt a light kiss being applied to the dip of my hip bone._

_The soft open-mouthed kisses he began applying to my hips and along the lower curve of my stomach were making my heart beat faster, and I knew that this insatiable man was trying to distract me. _

"….Bella?" a soft voice rung out around me, causing me to jump a little as I returned my gaze to the other side of the kitchen where Esme was now standing with a concerned look on her face; one hand in an oven mitt, one holding a large wooden spoon.

"Oh, sorry Esme, I was a little distracted. What did you say?"

She laughed softly as she smiled at me. "I was just asking if you were enjoying your birthday so far dear," she responded with a little bit of amusement evident in her voice. "I can see that, as usual, you are escaping into yourself to avoid attention."

"Well, what can I say Esme? You know I hate being the center of attention."

"I guess it's a good thing that you married Emmett then, because we all know how much he loves to be the center of attention," she said as she removed her oven mitt and set down the spoon next to a sauce pot on the burner behind her.

"Tell me about it," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that dear?" Esme asked as she took a few steps around the kitchen island and reached to open one of the large doors on the refrigerator.

"Oh, I was just wondering if there was anything I could do to help you," I said brightly, hoping that she didn't hear my dig on her eldest son.

"Well," she said as she rummaged around in a crisper drawer, "you can slice the strawberries for the fruit salad if you would like."

She pulled out the small plastic container full of berries and placed it on the counter in front of me while she reached behind her to pull the cutting board out of the sink beside her, along with a paring knife from her knife block.

My heart began to beat faster again as another memory of that night began to flicker in my subconscious.

"_Come on Bella, how can you even be in a fancy hotel suite and not have strawberries with your champagne?" Edward teased as he pulled a berry out of the large bowl on the room service cart._

_He took a bite of one and then placed it on my belly button and began to draw it up my stomach as he took a sip from his champagne glass._

"_What do you think you are doing Edward?" I asked as I could feel the moisture trail up my stomach and across the peak of one of my breasts. I was trembling as he continued to smirk at me and I knew that this man was going to be trouble._

"_I don't know Bella, what am I doing?" he teased as he placed his glass down on the bedside table, slowly lowering his face to my stomach, the tip of his tongue peeking out between his lips._

_When his tongue made contact with the juice on my stomach I gasped and forced my eyes shut, trying to calm my erratic breathing._

"_Edddward….." I stuttered as he continued to let his tongue follow the trail up my body that he had laid out with the strawberry._

"_Hmm," he hummed against my stomach._

"_We…we need to talk….." I gasped out as his tongue made contact with the underside of my breast._

_I could see the smirk forming on his perfectly proportioned face as he continued to run his tongue along the trail of strawberry juice. When he reached my neck, he began to nibble along it, causing me to squirm underneath him and gasp a little bit more._

_I whined helplessly as he broke down every attempt that I had made to get him to talk to me about what was going on, and he chuckled against my skin as he reached the sensitive patch directly below my ear._

"_Talking is overrated, there are much better things I can think of to do with our mouths right now," he whispered in a dangerously low voice before his lips crashed down on mine once again._

Sharp pain radiated through my finger as I tried to calm my erratic breathing.

I looked down to the cutting board in front of me and noticed that instead of taking the top of the strawberry in my hand off, I had tried to take off the tip of my finger in its place.

"Ow," I mumbled as I dropped the strawberry and blood tinted knife back to the surface of the cutting board.

"Are you alright dear?" Esme asked as she reached over to the sink in the kitchen island and grabbed a paper towel off the roll.

"Um, yeah, I'm okay. I have just been out of it all day…." I said as I wrapped the towel over the end of my bleeding finger. "I guess you shouldn't let me near weapons with my track record." Esme let out a nervous laugh as she watched me.

"I guess not dear. Let me go get you a band-aid; stay right here until I return," she instructed as she exited the kitchen and left me to my thoughts again.

I was going insane, that was the only explanation. All of those orgasms must have rotted my brain, maybe that's why porn stars are so dumb. Edward Cullen had ruined me; there was no way that I was going to be remotely useful for the rest of my life. He seduced me, pleasured me, left me and now I was a hopeless mess trying to figure out what to do about this whole confusing situation.

_I couldn't stop thinking about him...his eyes, his lips, the way he tilted his hips when he was inside of me…..aghhh! Not helping Bella, not helping. Stop thinking about the way he could tilt his pelvis and instantly made me….NO! STOP! _

Leaning forward on the island and rubbing my fingers on my temple, I realized that the only way that I was going to be able to resolve anything about this was going to be if I talked to him.

He had thoroughly distracted me when we were in the confines of that hotel suite, but we were no longer held up in the Dana Hotel anymore. Maybe the spell had been broken and we wouldn't have that kind of chemistry anymore. Maybe he regretted inviting me there, maybe he felt guilty about Emmett. Oh Emmett, my poor, poor clueless husband.

I mean, I loved him. I mean I _do_ love him. But he has never, _ever_, in the five years we have been together, not even on our honeymoon, made me feel like that. That had to be a sign right? That, and the fact that he hadn't seen me naked in a month. My own husband hadn't even tried, or asked to see me naked. He used to be so affectionate and now..._nothing_. It was like I was only there to warm the bed for him.

_It is the same routine every night. I take my shower, get dressed in a nightgown, brush my hair, brush my teeth, open the bathroom door, Emmett gives me a kiss on the forehead as he enters the bathroom to get ready for bed, I lay down, read some of my book, Emmett returns to bed, we turn off the lights, he gives me a chaste peck on the lips, rolls over, goes to sleep, starts snoring, and I try to refrain from smothering him with the pillow._

I didn't even want to know what was going to happen tonight. Normally I would be brimming with excitement with the possibility of birthday sex, but now... _What was I supposed to do? What would I do if I kept having these flashes? Was it really fair to Emmett if I was seeing his brother's face when he was making love to me?_

_God this is a mess._

The way Emmett had been treating me for the past six months - and maybe even longer if I thought back on it - was like I was his sister. He only ever got truly affectionate with me if he knew that there were people watching. At home, at night, when we were alone, his actions were purely platonic. It was as if I was living with a roommate lately. I didn't know what was wrong with him. At first, I kept trying to fix it, but now, after being with Edward. _Did I really want to?_

"Here you are," Esme chimed as she handed me a perfectly crisp band-aid still in its wrapper.

God, even the condition of the woman's band-aids were perfect. I was never going to live up to all that was Esme Cullen. It was just never going to happen. I was never meant to be a Stepford Wife.

Shaking my head to dispel my bitter thoughts, I carefully opened the band-aid and smoothed it over the tiny incision on my fingertip.

_Just chalk it up to one more scar created by Bella's inability to function like a normal person_.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked Esme as she was bending over the oven to check on her lasagna. "I mean, that doesn't involve cutlery."

"Oh, well it is your birthday, and you really don't have to help, but if you would like, you could set the table in the dining room."

"Alright, is there any particular pattern that you would like me to use this evening?" I asked, in reference to her extensive china collection.

Esme was a bit of a culinary genius among her circle of friends, and thus she had everything that a good little hostess should have. Including a closet just off the formal dining room filled with multiple china patterns and every type of serving platter known to man.

"Just use the blue floral pattern with the etched goblets. The linens are already out on the table," she said with a grin as she pulled off her oven mitts. "Just let me know if you need any help finding anything. And could you pull out the large matching serving platter and bring it back in here when you are done?"

"Um, sure," I said as I turned to walk out the door that led into the dining room, through the butler's pantry.

Until I entered the Cullen house for the first time, I had no idea that china serving piece closets and butler's pantries still existed. But I guess in rich suburbia, you have to keep up with the Joneses.

When I entered the dining room, I was still just as much in awe of it as I had been the first time I dined in it; the rich wood paneling, the ornate carved details, the expensive crystal chandelier. It was everything that made the architecture of Chicago in the early nineteen tens so exquisite. The house had been restored to perfection when the Cullen family moved in during the eighties, and I admired the fact that they had only done minimal modernizations to make the house livable. The kitchens and the bathrooms were the only thing in this house that were not original, and even then, they stayed within the charm of this old historic house.

Carlisle Cullen could have chosen anywhere to take up residence with a salary like his, but he loved this old house, and with the care it was kept in, it was evident. He even offered it up for tours sometimes during the summers because Tallmadge and Watson had been the architects that designed it. Their work in the Chicago suburbs rivaled that of Frank Lloyd Wright.

When I entered the closet that housed the china pieces, I carefully peered around the shelves trying to locate Esme's favorite blue floral pattern. It had been a gift from her mother in law when Carlisle and her had gotten married in the seventies, and it was very elegant.

I quickly located it, and pulled out five place settings of the large and medium sized plates to carry into the dining room. Luckily, they all made it to the table without me having a Bella moment, and I returned to the closet to retrieve the bread plates as well as the small fruit and salad bowls. I had been schooled in the ways of elegant dining before Emmett and I had been married, and I knew more than I cared to about the proper placement of flatware, and each type of china required for a full course meal.

Carefully placing the bowls and small plates onto the table, I went back into the china closet to get down the serving platter so I wouldn't forget to give it to Esme after I was done setting the table.

When I reached up to the top shelf, I was surprised when I heard the door click behind me. I was sure that I had left it open, but as with any old house, I assumed that the door had decided to close itself.

I continued to reach up towards the top shelf and grunted when I realized that I was like an inch too short to reach the platter without risking knocking it to the floor. Esme would kill me if I maimed any of her china, so I carefully lowered my hand so I could search for the stool I knew that she kept underneath the shelves.

I quickly spotted it directly beneath me, and bent down to slide it out, when two large hands clamped down on each side of my hips and I let out a startled yelp.

My heart began to hammer away in my chest as I felt a rather warm body lean over my back and I jumped when I heard a familiar velvety voice in my ear.

"Need some help?" he whispered in a low voice, making my brain completely forget why I was in this closet in the first place.

_Platter, what platter? What is a platter?_

"Um…..I…uh…," I stuttered as I tried not to lose my balance and fall forward.

I could feel every contour of his chest pressed into my back, and if I was correct, there was something extremely firm pressing against the back of my skirt. He was obviously happy to see me.

"Happy Birthday," he whispered as his lips began to ghost along the side of my neck.

I was trembling as his hot breath assaulted my skin and I was drawing in short gasps of air to try to keep myself under control as one of his hands left my hip and began to slowly venture down the front of my skirt. Apparently, his silence over the past two weeks had not changed his intentions towards me, and I was helpless to his advances. I wanted him, there was no denying it, and I had a feeling that he wanted me just as much.

"What are you doing Edward?" I whispered as I tried to push him up with my back.

He didn't respond to me, his lips continued to lavish my neck with attention as his other arm swept across my stomach and he pulled me up with him so my back was pressed firmly to his chest. When we were both upright, his left hand continued its path southward until it reached the hem of my shirt, toying with the edge of it.

"Edward, please, stop," I begged breathlessly as he continued to torture me. "Please, we need to talk, I mean, I haven't even seen you in over two weeks, please."

"I know Bella, I know we do, trust me. I haven't thought of anything but you in all those days, but…." he whispered against my neck as his hand began to run along the bare skin of my thigh underneath the hem of my skirt. "I can't make myself stop touching you right now. You have no idea how much I want you."

My breath was coming out in pants as his hand continued further up my thigh, and the ability to form words was slipping out of my grasp by the second. He was thinking about me, what did that even mean? Why didn't he call me? What did he want from me?

"Edward, please," I gasped as his hand ghosted along the lace at the apex of my thighs.

"Tell me what you want Bella," he mumbled against my neck as his lips pressed against the soft flesh.

"Please," I whispered so low I didn't even know if he could hear me.

"Tell me to stop," he said as his fingers pressed the lace into my clit, rubbing softly. "Tell me you don't want this, and I will stop."

I gasped as his lips began to suck on the skin below the collar of my shirt, and my hips instinctively pushed back into his, his erection pressing into the material of the back of my skirt.

"Edward," I whined as his fingers began to press more firmly into me.

"Fuck Bella, tell me to stop or I am going to take you right now," he growled against my neck, his grip on my waist tightening.

I was losing the fight against my will. I knew we needed to talk; we needed to talk about this before we crossed this line again. But with each touch of his fingertips, my brain was slowly shutting down. This was dangerous, this chemistry we had. He made me lose all control when I was around him. We could get caught, there were people in the rooms around us, Esme could come check on me any minute, Emmett could find us. There was no explanation for this. If they caught us, it would tear this family apart.

All these things were swirling around in my head as his lips became more forceful against my neck and his fingers began to slip underneath the edge my lace barrier. The second that his bare skin made contact with me, none of that mattered - it was all trivial. I wanted him, he wanted me, and the fact that we were in his mother's china closet didn't matter to me anymore.

"Do it," I whispered as I pressed myself against him again, rubbing up against his covered erection for some friction.

"Tell me," he groaned as the tip of a finger slipped inside my folds.

"You, I want you," I gasped out as I reached forward to brace one of my arms on the shelf in front of me.

He growled against my skin as his fingers hooked underneath the edge of my panties, quickly dragging them down my legs.

I leaned forward so he could pull them free from my legs, and as soon as I returned my feet to the floor, I heard the jingle of a belt being unclasped, and the distinct ripping sound of a zipper being undone forcefully.

My heart was beating out of control as I waited for him, and I was having trouble breathing as I heard the swish of pants being dropped to the floor. I closed my eyes as I supported my head on the shelf in front of me, my mind going a million miles a minute.

I jumped a little when a palm ran up the back of one of my legs, dragging the hem of my skirt upwards. If I wanted to stop him, it had to be now. We could still stop this, I could say no, walk out of this closet and stop this nonsense right now.

But, I didn't want to, and we both knew that I wasn't going to; and when his fingers ran around my bare hip and along my wet lips, every objection I had to continuing this affair dissolved.

"God you are so wet," he groaned as I felt his uncovered erection press up against the bare skin of my thigh.

As he dipped the tips of two of his fingers inside of me, I moaned quietly. I knew I had to try to keep quiet, but it was so hard.

"Shhh my Bella," he said softly as I felt him tilt me forward.

His right hand left my hip and then I felt the tip of him slide along the wetness between my legs, the warmth of his bare skin pressing into my backside.

He was hesitating again, even without seeing his eyes, I could tell he was trying to fight it. If I was going to hell, so was he, and we might as well enjoy it together.

As the tip of him lined up with me, I shifted and leaned back into him, the head slipping inside of me.

His entire body tensed up as our bodies joined and a woosh of air left my body as he thrust his hips forward and sheathed himself inside of me fully.

"More," I whimpered as he rocked back a little, and then pushed back inside.

"Oh god," he gasped as he moved both of his hands to hold onto my hips tightly.

I could feel him throbbing inside of me as he struggled to control himself and I was gripping tightly to the shelf in front of me as I adjusted to his size.

Then, when I was ready to urge him to continue, he pulled himself out of me and thrust back in forcefully, causing the tension to increase inside my body. His thrusts became strong and controlled as he slid along my wetness, increasing the pace as the heat began to build up between us.

I was biting my lip to remain silent as he thrust into me, making the items on the shelf in front of me rattle slightly with each push. I was fighting to stay quiet. I could hear him choking back groans behind me as he continued to push into me.

His movements were starting to push me towards the edge, but I knew that I still needed something else to get there.

"Touch yourself," he gasped out as I could feel him twitch inside of me. He was getting close and I could feel it, he wasn't going to last much longer.

I licked two fingers on one of my hands and brought them down to where we were joined as he continued to thrust into me. My other hand was still gripping the shelf tightly as I began to press my fingers into my clit. His hands were digging into the skin of my hips as his movements became more frantic.

As my wet fingers continued to move against my heated flesh, my legs began to tremble. I was getting close; I could feel my muscles tensing around him.

"Oh god, Edward, I'm….." I gasped out as he thrust into me hard once more, sending me into my orgasm.

My muscles began to clench forcefully around him as my head dropped to the shelf, my whole body vibrating with my release.

He was struggling to hold me up as he thrust into me again, holding me against him tightly as I could feel him let go. I could feel him pulse inside of me, spreading his warm release into my body.

After his orgasm was done, he leaned forward and kissed my neck passionately as he pulled out of me.

I whimpered at the loss, and I could feel his hands tremble as he helped me pull down my skirt. He reached down and pulled back up his boxers and his pants, fumbling quickly with his belt. I saw him pick up the discarded scrap of lace that I had been wearing, firmly gripping it in his hands.

I was panting and gasping as my head rested on the cool shelf in front of me. My mind was reeling, trying to make sense of how he could have this effect on me.

Once I heard his zipper being pulled back up, I slowly turned myself around and faced him, running my palms along the front of my skirt, trying to smooth out the wrinkles.

He was wearing a cocky smile as he readjusted the belt on his dress pants, and smoothed out the thin sweater he was wearing.

"Bella," he whispered softly as he reached forward to cup my chin in his hand, running his thumb along my cheek.

"I…..I…" I mumbled as he closed the distance between us and captured my lips, his arms pulling me against his chest.

I returned the kiss with fervor and ran my hands up the soft cashmere covering his chest, and up into his soft hair. He had to want this, us, whatever this was. He couldn't stay away from me either, I knew he couldn't.

When we broke for air, he hugged me to him even tighter, tucking my head underneath his chin as he sighed.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I really did mean to talk to you," he whispered as I felt him press a soft kiss into my hair.

"I know," I mumbled into his chest as I clutched to him.

"I don't know what to say to you, I…I can't stay away from you anymore, I'm sorry Bella. I…..I just needed to think." His voice was quiet, but I could tell that there was a tremor in it as he spoke, he sounded nervous, not at all confident as I had been expecting.

"I need to go," I whispered against his chest.

"Bella, no, I…" he said with a strained voice, laced with a strange emotion.

I tilted my head up to face him, a soft smile on my face. I knew he needed my reassurance for some strange reason, and I wanted him to know that I needed to go, not that I was leaving him.

Standing up on my toes, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips, hoping that he would get the message.

"I know Edward, but we can't stay in this closet forever."

His face softened as he stepped back and offered his palm up to me; a small smirk playing on his features.

I grabbed the scrap of lace and shoved it into his pocket before stepping around him and re-opening the door. I knew that it was probably a risky move, and I could have sworn I heard him inhale deeply as I peeked out the door to make sure our cover had not been blown. I was running high on adrenaline, and I had never felt so amped up before. It had literally been years since I had sex somewhere other than a bed, and it was intoxicating.

Before I could commence setting the table, I hurried down the hallway to the half bathroom and quickly shut the door behind me, locking it. I pressed my back against the door, the gravity of the situation kicking in as I tried to catch my breath again.

I didn't have time to process this now; I needed to focus and get back out there. I couldn't let anyone get suspicious; I needed to control this, act normal.

_Breathe Bella, you can do this…._

Without any further hesitation, I turned on the faucet and splashed water up onto my face. My skin was all blotchy and I needed the cool water to soothe my skin before I went back out there.

A few minutes later, once I had cleaned myself up and made sure that all of my clothing was readjusted, I opened the door and made my way back to the dining room.

I could hear laughter coming from the kitchen, and when I peeked into the china closet, I saw that the platter was missing from the top shelf. I shook my head when I realized that Edward must have already brought it to his mother. I proceeded to finish setting the table, laying out the place settings carefully before I pulled out the flatware and the stemware.

My heart was beating rapidly as I tried to regain my composure. How was I supposed to get through the rest of the night with him sitting across the table from me? It had always been difficult in the past when he would make faces at me and try to make me laugh, but now, after the things he had done to me, I was sure that my face would remain a permanent shade of crimson.

Once I had the place settings all arranged on the table, I wandered up the staircase towards Carlisle's study to find my husband. There was no way that I was stepping foot in that kitchen after the strawberry incident, and definitely not with Edward in there.

The door was cracked slightly open, and I could hear them both chuckling as I peeked through the open space. Emmett was standing up by the fireplace, cradling a glass of bourbon while Carlisle was seated behind his desk, leaning back against his leather wingback.

It was evident that Emmett was Carlisle's favorite child; they had always seemed to get along better as friends than as parent and child. Carlisle's behavior around Emmett was a startling contrast to the way that he treated Edward. Edward had always been pushed to excel, since he was obviously the more gifted child academically, and when he decided to drop the Economics and Marketing major last year and switch to Music Theory at DePaul, Carlisle had been livid. At one point, there had even been talk that he was going to cut him off financially if he went through with the change in majors, but Edward was old enough to draw from his grandfather's trust once he turned twenty-one.

Even when he was in high school, Carlisle had been hard on him, and it was always painful to watch him verbally abuse his son at the dinner table. It was never anything overtly offensive, but more than a few cutting remarks placed well could eat away at a person's self esteem.

I let out a long breath and knocked lightly on the door, alerting them of my presence.

"Hey there birthday girl," Emmett boomed as he stepped across the room and pulled me into his side. I cringed momentarily, hoping that I didn't hold any remnants of Edward's scent from earlier and smiled up at my husband.

"Happy Birthday Bella," Carlisle said softly as he rose from his chair and walked across the room towards us. "Is dinner ready?"

"Um, I think so, the table is all set, and Esme seemed to be getting close to finished."

"Well," he said pulling the door open and motioning for me to step through, "let's not keep her waiting."

Emmett placed a hand on the small of my back as we descended the staircase, and I was dreading being stuck in that room with the four of them for the next hour or so while we ate. It was going to be especially dreadful since I was the guest of honor, and therefore would be forced to speak to people. I had never wanted to blend into the wallpaper more than I did in that moment.

When we rounded the corner into the dining room, Edward was bent over the table placing the large platter filled with lasagna in the middle. I stopped in the threshold, watching as the muscles I could see in his back flex as he set it down. Emmett ran into my back and I let out a startled squeak as he gripped my hips and pulled me upright against him.

Edward turned around with an amused smirk on his face as I stood there, blushing furiously as Emmett's hands remained planted firmly on my sides. As soon as he saw Emmett's proximity and hand placement, something flashed in Edward's eyes and his nostrils flared as he turned and stormed off towards the kitchen door.

"You alright Bella?" Emmett asked over my shoulder as he raised a hand to pull my hair over my shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I mumbled as I stepped towards my usual seat and waited for Emmett to pull it out for me. If there was one thing that Esme Cullen did perfectly in her life, it was training her sons to be gentlemen.

Emmett took his place next to me and squeezed my knee under the table as Carlisle took his seat at the head of the table. The three of us sat there in silence as we waited for Edward and Esme to come join us, and I hoped that this dinner would move as quickly as possible; I had to get out of this place.

Edward refused to make eye contact with me once he took his seat across from me, so I reverted to staring at my plate as I pushed my food around on it after we were served. Esme had made her signature lasagna along with a simple spinach salad and the fruit salad I had managed to contribute some seasoning to earlier.

The tension at the table was palpable as we ate, but luckily Esme, Carlisle and Emmett kept the small talk going as I tried not to freak out inside. Every time I felt brave enough to take a peek at Edward, he was glaring daggers at Emmett or giving me a look like I had run over his puppy. How did he expect me to act around my husband? It wasn't like I could just go eat my dinner while sitting on Edward's lap. This whole situation was turning into a nightmare.

"So Bella," Esme said as she flashed a sweet smile at me, "have you had any luck with any of the academies in the area?"

I rolled my eyes and took in a deep breath before I responded, "No I haven't, although there are a few teachers that will be retiring soon, so one can only hope."

I bit back my comment about how I was getting hounded with emails by some of the 'less academically gifted' schools as she had so tactfully called them, and shoved a bite of strawberry into my mouth hoping that she would take the hint that I did not want to talk about this subject.

"Well, I am sure that you will find something soon enough. Schools are always in need of good teachers."

I heard Edward mumble something under his breath as he stabbed a piece of pineapple, and Esme flashed him a look of concern.

"What was that Edward?" Carlisle asked as Edward continued to assault the fruit remaining in his bowl.

"I said, if she was allowed to find a job wherever she wanted, she would already have a teaching position." His voice was tense and drawn as he refused to look up from his plate.

"I don't believe that Bella's choice of target schools is any of your concern Eddie," Emmett spit back at him, his hand tightening on my kneecap.

Edward let out a dark chuckle and shook his head as he rolled his eyes at his brother.

"Boys," Esme warned from her seat.

"What, I'm just stating that maybe if she was allowed to make her own choices, she wouldn't be forced to stay at home all the time, alone."

"Maybe she wants to stay at home Edward, did you ever consider that?" Emmett barked out.

"Hey," I said firmly pushing Emmett's hand off my knee and sitting up straight in my chair. "Knock it off, it doesn't matter. There is no need to get into a pissing contest over the dining room table."

"Whatever," Emmett muttered as Edward raised an eyebrow at me over the table.

He had been pushing me lately to stand up for myself and what I wanted. The only problem was, I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted anymore. Sure, Emmett could be controlling, but he was never mean to me, and he generally let me do whatever I wanted, with the exception of working at a school with metal detectors.

The rest of the meal passed in relative silence as Edward and Emmett threw glares at each other. They were both stubborn, and always had to have the last word, so when they butted heads, it was an all out war. I hated being stuck in the middle this time, especially now that the line of where my allegiances lie was blurred. If I took Emmett's side it looked like I was the submissive housewife, if I took Edward's I was being irrational and going against my husband.

Once I was finished helping Esme clear the dishes, we all went into the parlor to have cake and open gifts.

"Edward, would you mind?" Esme said gesturing to the baby grand in the corner.

_Oh god, they were going to sing to me, kill me now._

"Please, no, you really don't need to sing."

"Don't be silly dear, of course we do," Esme scolded as Edward took a seat behind the piano and cracked his knuckles. He shot me a knowing smirk with one eyebrow raised, and I cringed as the familiar notes of the Happy Birthday song echoed throughout the room.

It would have been easier to hate the attention they were giving me if they had not sounded like some kind of quartet of professional singers. Even Emmett's singing voice was beautiful and I felt another twinge of inadequacy as I was reminded of the perfection of the family I had married into. As they continued singing, Edward was unabashedly staring at me, loving to watch me squirm. I fought the urge to stick my tongue out at him and plastered a faux smile on my face as they continued to serenade me.

Once they were finished, I let out the breath that I had been holding and Esme launched into making me open my presents.

"Here we are Bella, this is from Carlisle and I. I know that you have one, but the clerk assured me that this would be a little more portable for you to work on."

I pulled open the paper slowly, and the familiar Sony logo on the corner of the box was taunting me. I peeled the paper off the rest of the way and gasped as I realized what they had purchased for me. I had been eyeing this exact model for months, but I couldn't justify spending the money on myself, and now I was flabbergasted that my in-laws had purchased a two-thousand dollar Sony Vaio TT laptop for me, along with a leather carrying case.

"Wow," I whispered as I ran my hand over the top of the box, noticing the familiar stickers on the side of the box that led me to believe that they had put a lot further than the initial cost into upgrading this particular laptop.

I looked up towards Carlisle and Esme with what I was sure a totally shocked expression, and they were both smiling brightly at me.

"This is amazing, thank you. It's far too much, but wow…thank you."

"Bella, I know that you have been trying to work on your writing, and we thought that maybe this would make it easier for you to work outside of the brownstone. You live right on the edge of the park, why not enjoy it while you work," Esme said as she pulled the box out of my lap and gestured for Emmett to give me his present.

I had been hinting that I wanted to remodel the kitchen, and didn't need a present, but when I saw him pull a little blue box out of the inside pocket of his suit jacket, I knew that he hadn't been paying attention to me..._again_.

As I pulled the lid off the Tiffany's box, I chanced a look at Edward who was shooting me a worried look. He knew that I wasn't the type to fawn over jewelry, and he also knew how much I had been wanting the new gas range that Emmett promised me that I could pick out for my birthday.

Inside the box was a delicate platinum bracelet with five round stones evenly spaced around a small donut link chain. The sapphire bracelet was beautiful, but it just reminded me of how much my husband didn't really get me.

I took in a deep breath and turned towards my husband who was smiling brightly. I flashed him an entirely fake smile and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

"Thank you Em, it's beautiful," I whispered as I pulled it out and gestured for him to help me put it on.

"I knew you would love it," he said, beaming with pride, and he hugged me against his side, kissing me on the temple.

Edward cleared his throat and stood up from the piano, pulling a small envelope out of the back pocket of his pants and placing it in my lap before he took a seat in one of the leather club chairs across from where I was seated with Emmett.

My name was written in his beautiful script across the front, and I could feel my heartbeat increase as I broke the seal on the back of the envelope and pulled it open.

Nestled inside of the envelope were two tickets to the Post Impressionism Exhibit that was currently showing at the Art Institute. I had been bothering Em to go with me, but he didn't want to, and I fought back a grimace as I heard Emmett groan when he saw what the tickets were for. I had a feeling that Em thought that Edward had bought them for us to use, but I knew better. Edward bought two of them so he could go with me; he knew all about Emmett's stance on museums.

"Thank you," I said smiling genuinely at him, and he nodded in response, a smug grin on his face at his brother's reaction to his gift. They may have only been thirty dollar tickets, but the gesture showed that he knew me better than his brother did in giving me a $1700 dollar bracelet that I didn't need.

"Well maybe Eddie can go with you, he likes that artsy shit," Emmett said as he leaned back into the leather couch and crushed me to his side.

"Emmett, watch your language," Esme scolded as she settled into the seat beside Edward.

After a few minutes of awkward silence, I yawned loudly, feigning being tired, hoping for an excuse to leave. The night had not been what I was expecting, and I just wanted to go home and sleep, knowing that I was not going to understand my feelings anytime tonight.

"Well mother, we should probably get headed back to the city. I have a meeting first thing in the morning," Emmett said pulling me up from the couch with him.

We all shared hugs and I made sure to thank everyone again. When Edward hugged me goodnight, I could feel my cheeks flush, and I hoped that no one else would notice how his hands lingered longer on my back than what could be considered an innocent hug.

The ride back was silent and as I twisted the bracelet around my wrist, I realized that while Emmett was trying, he still didn't understand me; not like Edward seemed to.

When we pulled up to the brownstone, I quickly threw open my car door and bolted towards the front door as Emmett pulled my presents out of the back of his Jeep. I needed to take a shower, I needed to think; this whole evening had thrown me for a loop.

As I was pulling off my skirt and blouse, my phone beeped from my purse, and I quickly ran over to check it. There was a new text, and I should have known what it would say before I even opened it.

_Coffee, 9 am. We need to talk, bring the tickets. I'll be there with your real present. ~E_

He wanted to talk, and he obviously wanted to take me to the exhibit. I had no idea what tomorrow would hold, but I knew that I had to at least see what he had to say. There was no denying the fact that my body responded to him, and I was developing new confusing feelings for him. I couldn't help but be confused with his comment about my real present, and it made me nervous to think that he had gotten me something else.

After my shower, I pulled on a nightgown and just as I was starting to turn down the bed, a warm body pressed into my back and I drew in a quick breath as I realized what was about to happen.

Emmett's large hands ran along the silky material covering my stomach and slowly upwards, cupping my breasts as he began to run kisses along the side of my neck and shoulder.

"Happy Birthday, Bells," he cooed in my ear as I felt his hardness press into the back of my nightgown, and I resigned myself to the fact that I was a horrible wife for what I had done.

Emmett was gentle, as usual, but his touches didn't incite the feelings that Edward had been bringing out in me. I couldn't even force myself to climax, not that Emmett noticed, because he was asleep the second he rolled off of me and his head hit the pillow.

As I drifted off to sleep afterward, I found myself thinking of Edward's deep green eyes, and the feel of his hands on me; and I wondered what tomorrow's talk would bring.


	5. Fine Art and Foreign Films

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do adore the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies that they make at Potbelly... (If you don't know what Potbelly is, come to the Midwest, they make some fuckawesome sandwiches too)**

**Warning: If you aren't old enough to buy a ticket to an R rated movie, you shouldn't be reading this...**

* * *

**Fine Art and Foreign Films**

When I woke up the day after my birthday, I felt like everything had changed all of the sudden. After my last encounter with Edward, he had disappeared for over two weeks and now I was going to get the opportunity to actually talk to him about what was happening. Hopefully this coffee date would give me some of the answers I so desperately needed.

The fight inside of my head was still going on, but my body had no doubt that it wanted Edward. As much as I had tried to fight it, he played me like an instrument and sex had never been like that with anyone else. Emmett had been the first man that I let into my heart at the tender age of twenty, but now, the fire we once had was only smoking embers.

I knew that being with his brother was the worst kind of betrayal, but I craved Edward. My dreams - both my waking and non - drifted off to the mysterious green-eyed man without my control and if I was being completely honest, I didn't want to stop them.

Lying had never been my strong suit so I was terrified that I was going to get caught and my life was going to fall apart. Even so, I was only living a half-life as it was. I knew that Emmett's behavior wasn't done to be mean or malicious, he was doing what he thought was best for _us_. The only problem was that there hadn't really been an 'us' for some time now.

I didn't know exactly when we lost the spark or what caused my feelings for my husband to wither, but there was no doubt that they were almost gone. I had no idea what my next step was going to be. I could come clean to Em, destroy our marriage and his family for something I didn't completely understand or I could see where things went with Edward.

Edward was young and impetuous. Was it really worth losing my future over if I was just some fling to him?

Emmett could provide security and a stable life. I would probably be bored, but it was a stable future. I wasn't getting any younger. I was young, but I had no teaching experience besides volunteer work and my student teaching. As much as I hated to admit it, I needed Emmett. I was in love with him once, maybe if I gave it a real chance, it could happen again. Where would that leave Edward though? I was already so attached to him. Was I really ready to choose between them? Was that even possible?

That was a hard realization to come to. I wanted Edward but I needed Emmett.

If this entire situation was just something physical for Edward, then I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a part of it. I had a feeling from our interactions in the past six months that it wasn't, but there was no way for me to know that for sure. The only person who could give me answers right now had been hiding from me for the past two weeks.

I shook my head as I crawled out of the bed and headed off towards the bathroom. I had slept like the dead last night and for the first time in months, Emmett hadn't woken me up while he got ready in the morning.

When I glanced over at the clock in the corner of the bathroom, I cringed because it was already past eight. I had less than an hour before I needed to meet Edward at the coffee shop. I felt like I was in high school again. I had no idea what to wear today. How was it that two sexual encounters with a man turned me into a blushing school girl who couldn't even pick out her own clothing?

My shower was quick and by the time I had dressed, put on some makeup and loosely dried my wavy hair, it was already time for me to leave. I had settled on a dark gray, jersey knit dress that cinched at the bust and hung loose from my body. It was a little low cut, so I decided to throw on a light gray, cap sleeved sweater over it. The last thing I needed was Edward being distracted by my cleavage and doing something inappropriate in public. I was already worried that our meetings in the neighborhood were leaving us too exposed to being seen by people who knew us.

Emmett knew that we met to talk and get coffee at least once a week, but if one of our friends or neighbors saw something compromising, I didn't even want to think of the ramifications. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to be loyal to my husband and tell Edward that nothing else could happen between us, but I knew that it would never happen. I was just as helpless to fight it now as I had been two weeks ago, and now knowing what kind of effect he had on me, it made staying away that much harder.

I grabbed my purse as I headed towards the door, locking it behind me and beginning the trek the few blocks to the coffee shop. At this rate, I was going to be late, but each step weighed down on me as I made my way.

I never thought that I would be the type of person to have an affair. It had always been ingrained in me that I would never be that type of person, my parents may have been divorced, but they raised me to follow the basic values of society, one of which was being faithful. I was playing with multiple people's lives for attention. Edward was giving me the attention, both emotionally and physically, that my husband was failing to provide.

Up until now, I had wanted to reconnect with Emmett, find the passion we once had, but something about him was different. He was tired all the time now, not just when he came home from work, but on the weekends as well. He slept in more and didn't work out as much as he had previously. During the entire time we were dating, Emmett made daily trips to the gym, and now he rarely ever went anymore.

He had the casebook physical symptoms of someone who was depressed, but he was his usual chipper self. The only difference was that he now treated me like I was just his buddy.

In his early twenties, Emmett had been adventurous and voracious, often trying to get me in compromising positions in new and exciting places. Now he only ever touched me in small chaste gestures. Before last night, the last time that I had tried to initiate something, he couldn't even get himself aroused. I felt horrible. I couldn't even get my husband excited anymore. So when Edward started paying more attention to me, I jumped at it.

_God I am such a horrible person, my husband can't get it up so I go to his brother for sex._

This needed to stop. _I _needed to stop. This whole situation was getting entirely out of control. It wasn't fair to anyone involved. Edward was twenty-two for god sakes, why would he want me?

By the time I got to the coffee shop, I had steeled myself to the fact that I needed to stop whatever was happening. We had obviously gotten too close, in more ways than one, and I needed to stop seeing him. It wasn't fair to anyone. We were risking destroying too many people's lives. His entire family would implode if they ever found out about us. I could probably walk away with a few emotional bumps and bruises, but this would destroy the Cullen family.

"Hey," a smooth voice intoned from directly behind me as I walked towards the counter to place my order.

I turned towards him, willing my body to stay unresponsive, but my breath caught in my throat once I saw the look on his face. He had never looked at me like that before. His eyes were practically sparkling in the overhead lighting, and the smile that danced on his perfectly formed lips made my heart thump a little bit faster in my chest.

He closed the distance between us in a few short steps, handing me a travel cup.

"I got your usual, no arguing. You are just going to have to get used to me paying for you."

As I took the cup from him, I took a moment to look at him again. He was wearing a black, long sleeved, button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the first three buttons completely undone, showing of a modest amount of his chest hair. His jeans were dark and fitted, clinging to his lean form. His hair was in its usual disarray, but it looked as if he might have actually attempted to tame it today. He looked like sex on legs, and I hated the fact that I still wanted him.

"You look lovely today," he said as he placed his hand on the small of my back and led me back towards the front door of the shop. I was too flabbergasted by my reaction to his appearance to respond, so I just blushed instead.

_Why does he have to be so charming?_

As he opened the door and ushered me down to the sidewalk, my brain decided to start functioning again.

"Where are we going?"

"Did you bring the tickets?" he asked with a little bit of amusement clear in his voice.

Luckily, as soon as we had left last night, I tucked the envelope into my purse, so I _had_ actually brought them with me. I would have forgotten them, otherwise, in my haste to get out the door.

"Yes."

"Then we are going to the Art Institute. You do still want to go to the exhibit right?"

"Yes, of course I want to go, but you don't have to go with me. I could find Angela or someone else to go."

He chuckled at me and wrapped his arm around my side as he steered me around the corner towards his apartment building.

"I bought the tickets so that I could take you. Birthday present, remember? Or would you like me to buy you an ostentatious piece of jewelry instead?"

He had pegged it. He knew that although I appeared to like the present last night, I had been disappointed by it. Emmett had bought me a gorgeous bracelet, but I didn't want or ask for it. The thing that I did ask for might have been practical and domestic, but I wanted that. I didn't want an outrageously expensive bracelet from Tiffany's.

"That's not very nice," I chastised as we walked into the parking lot at the back of the building.

I tried to distance myself from him, but as I moved to walk towards the passenger side of the car, he pulled be back into him and kissed the side of my neck.

My harsh intake of breath was a clear indication that he had gotten to me, and Edward was laughing lightly at being able to get a response out of me as he held my door open.

I didn't know why I was getting into the car with him. I should have been running the other way. I had convinced myself that this was a bad idea, but the second he looked in my direction, all of my walls crumbled back down.

Once Edward had closed my door and walked around the car, I was resolved that we were at least going to talk about what was happening. I wasn't going to let him just pretend that nothing had changed. Well, he wasn't exactly pretending, the kiss being evident of that, but still, this had to stop. This had to stop _now_.

"What are we doing Edward? And I don't mean going to the museum. I mean us. What are _we _doing? What is this?" I asked gesturing across the center console between us.

He looked over at me with a wounded look on his face. His once sparkling green eyes were alight with something I couldn't identify, but he acted as if my words had burned him.

"I thought you wanted this Bella," he whispered as he extended one of his hands towards where mine were resting on my lap. His hand stopped moving as my body tensed up, his long fingers resting on the center console.

"I don't understand what _this_ is Edward."

"You, I want you. I thought you understood that. I told you I couldn't stay away from you anymore. I took the last few weeks to think about it, and I want more with you."

"I can't just be a sex toy to you. I am a married woman. I'm married to your brother, Edward. Emmett doesn't deserve this."

He let out a frustrated breath, pulling at his hair with one of his hands as he tapped his outstretched fingers on the console between us.

"Bella, I know that you are married. Trust me. I know that. I was there. I watched it happen, powerless to do anything about it. Em doesn't deserve you. I tried to stay away from you, from whatever it is that you do to me, but I can't do it anymore. I know you feel it too, Bella. Don't try and pretend that what I want is dishonorable. You know me better than that."

"We can't keep doing this Edward," I whispered as I leaned over to lay my head against the cool glass of the window.

"I can't stay away anymore Bella. I won't." His voice was determined and rough as his hand reached over to grab the bare skin of my knee. "I don't care if you never have sex with me again Bella. I want you, all of you. In whatever way you will give me."

His fingers were rough against my soft skin and I felt like I might explode at the jolt of electricity that was surging through me at his touch.

"Look at me, Bella," he said softly as he moved his palm up my thigh.

My breathing was erratic as I tried to fight the hold he had on me. I needed to stop this. I had given myself at least a dozen arguments as to why this couldn't happen.

"I can't," I choked out as I reached for the door handle.

A resounding click echoed throughout the car as he locked the doors. I could have reached over to the handle and manually unlocked it, but he was trying to keep me from running.

"Yes, you can. Look at me," he pleaded as he began to rub my skin with his hand.

The silence in the car was deafening as we sat there. He was still lightly rubbing my thigh with the palm of his had as he patiently waited for me to acknowledge his request. He knew that his touch was breaking down my resolve, and I contemplated the words he had just told me.

This had obviously been brewing for a long time if what he said about being powerless to stop my wedding was true. For four whole years, at least. The entire length of my marriage, and maybe even longer, Edward had been thinking about me like this.

"Why?" I whispered, my voice was rough and the desperation was evident.

"I don't know. I have just always been drawn to you. I felt like a monster for being attracted to my brother's wife. I thought it was just a crush, but I've never felt anything like when I am with you."

"You don't mean that," I said shaking my head.

"Yes I do, Bella. No one makes me feel like you do. Even before I ever touched you, when you entered a room, I couldn't take my eyes off you."

"Stop," I pleaded as I tried to pry his fingers off my leg. He didn't mean this, he _couldn't_ mean this.

"No. I won't stop anymore. I told you I can't stay away from you. I've held this in for years, watching you be happy with him. I was fine with that. I was fine watching as long as you were still happy. But I am not stopping anymore. I won't." His voice was fierce and determined. The intensity in which he spoke about me was staggering. I didn't feel worthy of attention like that.

"We can't do this." Even I could sense the hesitation in my voice.

Edward didn't waste any time as he leaned across the console and took my face between his large hands, turning me to face him.

I kept my eyes closed as I could feel his warm breath wash over my face, the smell of coffee and mint invading all of my senses.

"I want this, Bella. I want you. I don't care how hard you try to convince me otherwise. I won't take no for an answer."

As soon as he finished, his warm lips were pressed tightly against mine. He was rough and insistent as he tried to work his bottom lip in between mine. I could feel every ounce of desperation in his touch.

His fingers tightened on my cheeks as he tried to get a reaction out of me. I was fighting with every ounce of will power I had not to melt into his touch, into the warmth of his lips. I wanted to kiss him back. I wanted to tell him that I felt the same way. I wanted to tell him that I would run away with him wherever he wanted to go, but that wasn't going to happen. This wasn't some cheesy Lifetime movie.

He pulled back after a few moments, sighing loudly at my non-response as he continued to hold my face between his hands.

"Look at me," he growled, inches from my face. Even with my eyes closed, I could tell that he was still close to me.

I tried to shake my head, but he held me in place as he repeated his request.

"No," I squeaked out as I felt his hands move backwards along my cheeks and weave into my hair.

"Bella, please," he sighed as his hands tightened in my hair and pulled me towards him. "Please kiss me."

I could feel the soft skin of his lips against my own. He was waiting for me to come to him. He had told me his intentions and was waiting for me to respond. If this was going to happen, I had to allow it.

Flashes of our bodies molded together started dancing behind my eyelids. I could remember how I had felt when he supported his body above my own, driving me towards release. I hadn't seen it then, but the way that he looked at me was not just filled with lust. He did feel something more for me, he had been trying to tell me all along, but I wasn't seeing it.

My heartbeat accelerated exponentially as I hesitantly pressed my lips more firmly against his.

His response was immediate. He groaned as he tilted his head to the side and brushed the tip of his tongue along my lower lip.

I had almost forgotten what it felt like to kiss him. Every nerve in my body was dancing, completely alive at his touch.

As I opened my mouth to him, I let out an involuntary moan when our tongues met in the middle. His movements were soft as we explored each other's mouths. His hands were gripped firmly in my hair as mine sat on the console in between us.

He was right. There was something there. Something big, something I had never felt before, and every carefully thought out argument was negated as his lips broke from my mouth and began to trail down my neck.

"Oh god," I moaned as his lips and tongue trailed back up towards my ear and he pulled the lobe between his teeth.

"Can't you feel it Bella?" he whispered as he kissed back along my cheek to my eager lips.

I nodded as I tried to drag in a breath before he pressed his lips to mine again.

"I want you," he mumbled against my lips as he captured me in another amazing open mouthed kiss.

_I want you too._

The realization that this was not going to work in a car was evident as he tried to pull me towards him, smashing my hip into the seat belt holder next to the console.

"Ow," I squeaked out as he dropped his hands from my hair and released me.

"Are you ok?" he asked as he reached down towards where I was rubbing my injured hip.

I nodded attempting not to wince as I continued to massage the skin, willing the pinching sensation to dissipate.

"I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered as he reached over to kiss me lightly.

I frowned as I settled back into the seat. Hating that my getting injured had to ruin such a passionate moment.

"Do you want me to take you upstairs and kiss it better?" he asked with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"We better not," I said hesitantly. "You have a roommate. He might not be so understanding if you take your brother's wife into your room while he is trying to study."

His face fell immediately as he reached down to try to adjust himself. The kiss had evidently had the same effect on him that it had on me. I wanted nothing more than to hop over the console and straddle his lap, taking him inside of my body, but we couldn't risk getting caught in broad daylight. If this was going to happen, we had to proceed carefully.

"I know. I knew I should have gotten a one bedroom this year."

"Oh, did you plan on needing privacy to take home some ladies, Edward?"

He shook his head and laughed at me as he reached over to give me another light kiss.

"No, my bed up there has yet to see any action if that is what you are implying."

I raised an eyebrow at him in question. Surely he had to have women throwing themselves at him. I saw him in that club. He could have taken any one of his dance partners home willingly.

"Nope, I have never had sex in my own bed," he said pushing his lip out in a pout.

"Oh, so you have just defiled other people's beds." I tried to joke as he looked at me in shock. Normally this would have been an awkward line of banter to go down, but for some reason I was curious as to what his experience was.

"Only two," he whispered as he looked into my eyes. "And you were there for one of those."

I scoffed at his confession. There was no way that he was that inexperienced. I had even had more than two sexual partners when I was his age. That was truly surprising to me.

"No seriously. I told you that I was upset at your wedding. That is the only time it has ever gotten that far."

"What?" I asked incredulously. "You hadn't had sex in four years?"

He nodded sheepishly as he reached forward to take my hands in his.

"Four years," I repeated to myself as I took in a large breath. I couldn't even imagine going one year, much less four. A few months was hard for me. "At my wedding?"

"Yup, I don't know if you noticed, but I proceeded to drink myself stupid that night at the open bar. The bartender didn't think that the best man was underage so I got as much as I could handle."

"Was it one of my friends?" I asked. I had been so caught up in wedding details that I hadn't really paid attention to his behavior that night. I just remembered that he gave a beautiful speech about dedication and cherishing your loved ones. I guess I could take his words in a whole new context now.

"No," he said firmly shaking his head. "It was my date, Tanya. The girl I dated my senior year. She had been pressuring me for months. I was just too drunk to fight her anymore. We broke up a few months later. So yeah, just about four years."

"Why?"

"I didn't really date all that much my first few years in undergrad. I was too shy. I guess I was also intimidated by the ways girls acted at parties. I mean, I did fool around with a few of them, but I never had sex with anyone."

"Why me? Why after all these years?"

"It's always been you," he whispered running the back of his fingers along my cheekbone.

"I….I don't understand."

"Let's talk about this later, Bella. It is too long of a story to go into right now. Please, just know that I am not just in this for your body. I want to take you to see that exhibit, so put on your seat belt." He turned to face the steering wheel as he gripped it tightly between his fingers. I could tell that he was trying to hide something, but he had already shared so much with me. I wasn't going to force him.

He had given me a lot to think about. Somehow, knowing that I was only his second partner made this more real, that meant it wasn't just about sex to him.

His words haunted me, _it's always been you._ Had I completely missed his apparent fixation with me? I had essentially been a part of this family for years and I never even knew about this. Before last year, he never even really talked to me.

_Four years. He hadn't had sex in four years. Oh. My. God. The things he could do to me and it had been four years for him. _

"What are you thinking about?" he asked as he reached over to touch the back of my hand.

"It's not important," I mumbled as I tried to stop my head from spinning. This whole situation was just surreal.

My brain was mush by the time he pulled into the parking garage a few blocks down from the Art Institute. He wanted me, as more than just a sexual partner, and he had been thinking about me like that for years. It didn't even seem real. I mean, I had fleeting moments of attraction to him over the past few years, but that was to be expected; he was gorgeous.

_Who wouldn't be attracted to a young guy with a body and face like his?_

I had chalked up my few moments of lust filled thoughts to being like my other lust filled thoughts of attractive men. I often had daydreams about half of the cast of The Tudors, but that didn't mean I wanted to go and have an affair with them. Although, that would be entirely impossible considering they were celebrities.

As Edward parked the car, I decided that I was going to see where this went. It was entirely selfish and irresponsible, but I was tired of always doing the right thing. It had gotten me hours of sitting alone by myself being a disgruntled housewife. _That_ was obviously not working for me.

If I was thinking in my right mind, I would do the right thing and talk to Em about how unhappy I was, try to work something out between us, but I obviously wasn't and Edward was already giving me the stability and support I needed, as well as satisfying other needs.

This affair never would have happened if we hadn't gotten so close over the last several months. I had always felt like I had found something in him that made me feel whole again, but it wasn't until I gave in to him completely that I realized what had been missing. Edward never made me pretend to be someone I wasn't with him. I think that was one of the reasons that I had come to resent Emmett. He never really saw the real me. He saw who he wanted me to be for _him. _

"Come on," Edward said as he opened up my car door and offered me his hand. "Stop over thinking this. I can see the wheels spinning. I don't have any other answers for you, Bella. All I know is that I want to be with you. We can figure everything else out later."

Later. He acted as if we had loads of time to figure out how to continue a secret affair. I could barely think about how I was going to handle being around Em tonight, knowing what I did. _Could I really survive months of this? How was this even going to work?_

I was more confused than I was when I thought that Edward was just possibly using me for sex. That would have been something easy to stop. I could have honestly walked away from this if that were the case, but what now?

Edward took my hand as we walked down the steps to the street level and I reveled in the warmth of his touch. I knew that we couldn't afford to show public displays of affection once we were outside of this stairwell. Even in a city of hundreds of thousands of people, I was still terrified about getting caught.

When we stepped through the door out onto the sidewalk, I shook my hand free from his and he sighed loudly. I knew that he wanted to be affectionate with me, but it was all too risky.

He placed his hand on the small of my back, underneath my sweater, as we walked the few blocks towards the museum. My heart was beating erratically as his warmth spread through the thin fabric of my dress across my back. His touch was frightening and soothing all at the same time; I had never felt so in tune to someone else's motions before. I was still hyper-aware of his proximity to me.

Neither of us talked while we made our trek up the front steps of the building. I wasn't exactly sure how to act around him anymore. He was still my friend, the Edward I had come to know and love over the past few months, but now there was something more.

_Did I really love him? _

I was certain that love was not what I was feeling, but it felt stronger than just an infatuation.

Luckily we didn't have to wait in line at the ticket counter to get into the exhibit, but I was dreading every step that we took towards the wing where the Post-Impressionism exhibit was housed. I didn't know the logistics of how we were supposed to act towards each other in public. Obviously hand holding was out of the question, but was I allowed to touch him? Was he allowed to touch me?

"You need to relax," he whispered in my ear as I began to sift through the contents of my purse to find the envelope with the tickets.

I took a deep breath and nodded as he laughed lightly at my behavior.

_I'm glad I amuse you, Edward._

He stopped when I glared at him but his signature smirk was out in full force.

_How could he be so casual about this?_

Emmett was his brother. Edward was willingly pursuing his brother's wife and he didn't even seem to be showing remorse about it.

Once we had handed over the tickets to the docent at the desk, we walked towards the back of the exhibit. I had always started at the back of an art exhibit and worked my way back towards the doors. That way you didn't have to worry about the hoards of people that tended to congregate at the beginning. I didn't even have to explain this to Edward, he just kept in step with me while we moved through the space. The last time that Em had come to the art museum with me, he told me that I was weird and started at the beginning of the exhibit we were attending, leaving me to explore by myself.

That was one of the main reasons that I tended to do sightseeing by myself, I hated having to explain my behavior to him. If it wasn't something that he wanted to do, he not so subtly hinted that it was unworthy of his attention. When we started dating I thought it was just him being young and male, but it had never changed. He still only wanted to do things that interested him; I should have taken the warning signs he showed early in our relationship at their worth.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I, uh...this painting is beautiful, don't you think?"

We were standing in front of a lesser known Renoir, that I hadn't actually been looking at. I was trapped inside of my head again.

"Don't change the subject," he chided as he brushed his fingers along the side of my hand.

"Thank you for coming with me."

"Bella."

"What?" I asked as I turned to look at him.

He was shaking his head and sighing loudly at my avoidance. His fingers were still brushing against my hand and I hadn't realized how closely he was standing next to me.

"I just don't know how this is going to work," I whispered as I arched my fingers back to his.

"I don't either, but don't over think things right now. Just enjoy the time we can spend together."

"How are you so calm about this?"

He smiled at me as he drug the back of his hand across my wrist and up my forearm. Goosebumps raised on my skin as he continued to look into my eyes.

"I'm not calm. I am just trying to live in the moment."

I shook my head as he gripped my elbow and turned me to face him. His fingers raised to my cheek as he brushed my hair behind my ear.

_Why couldn't he be the older son? Why couldn't I have met him first?_

"I don't want to waste my time with you."

I nodded at him and turned back towards the painting. There was no way that this could last. This was fleeting, there was no possibility of this manifesting into something long term. I was still married, he was still in college. Even if I divorced Emmett, I could never actually _be_ with Edward. Was it even worth it to keep going down this path if it was just going to lead to heartbreak?

My heart felt heavy with the weight of this entire situation. A few weeks ago I thought I was living a normal, adequate life, and now I was completely confused about everything.

The silence was deafening as we walked through the exhibit, occasionally expressing opinions on the pieces we were looking at. Edward stayed behind me most of the time, sneaking covert touches, driving me insane. I was beyond excited and every single seemingly 'innocent' touch was making me contemplate pushing him into the nearest bathroom.

Was that what our relationship would be about? We had already built up the emotional bond we shared, so were we going to go at it every time we saw each other?

The more I thought about our situation, the more questions arose that I didn't have the answers to. I had always relied on having a plan, working towards goals. There was no way to plan this out. I didn't want this to become one of those cheap, tawdry affairs where we spent our time in hotel rooms. I genuinely liked spending time with him, but I couldn't deny that I wanted his body too.

By the time we had worked our way through the entire exhibit, I didn't have any more answers to any of the questions I had been thinking about.

As we walked down the hallway back towards the central staircase in the museum, I didn't know what to do.

"What's next?" I asked as Edward walked along side of me, running his finger up my spine.

"What do you want to do?"

I shrugged my shoulders at him. If he was living in the moment, then I was going to as well.

"Well, we already had coffee. I'm not hungry yet, so um...movie?"

"You aren't hungry? Is that even possible for you?" I teased as I poked him in the stomach.

He grabbed my finger and pulled me against his chest as he lowered his head to my ear. "Oh I am hungry alright, just not for food."

My eyes widened as I looked up at him and I could already feel the blush spreading over my cheeks.

He wiggled his eyebrows at me and leaned back down to chastely kiss me on the cheek. "Don't worry, I told you it wasn't about your body. I meant that. Although..." he said as he grabbed me by the hips.

"Stop it," I said as I smacked him on the chest, trying to get free of his grip.

"Make me," he growled as he started to tickle me.

As I laughed loudly I became extremely aware that we were flirting in the middle of the hall in a public museum. I pulled my hands free from his chest and wiggled out of his grasp before things got out of hand.

"Stop," I said firmly as I shot him a look of disdain. "Behave yourself."

He raised his hands up in surrender and smiled at me. "Okay, I'll be a good boy. I promise."

I shook my head at him as I made my way towards the stairs and back down towards the main level. He was several steps behind me, but I could tell that he was staring at me.

When we reached the bottom of the staircase, I turned to face him with a serious look on my face.

"You can't do things like that in public."

He rolled his eyes at me as he grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the front doors of the museum. "Stop being so weird about this. Just enjoy it, Bella. I like spending time with you. Friends can hold hands too," he smirked as he brought my hand up to his mouth. He placed a small kiss on the back of it and winked at me.

"Oh, so I am just your friend now," I tossed back as I raised an eyebrow at him.

He groaned as he rolled his eyes at me. "I told you to relax. So relax. Now...the important question is French, Italian or Spanish?"

"Huh?"

He pulled me into his side and threw his arm across my shoulders as we crossed the street back towards where his car was parked in the garage. "Movie. French, Italian or Spanish?"

"We are going to a foreign film? Are there subtitles?"

He laughed at me as he ran his hand along the top of my shoulder. "Yes, we are going to a foreign film. Yes, there are subtitles. Any other questions?"

"Do you know any of those languages?"

"I know some French, but that is what the subtitles are for. You don't need to speak the language to enjoy the movie."

Edward Cullen would never cease to amaze me. His brother would not be caught dead in a foreign film, much less be the one suggesting it. I had seen several with Angela when we were in college, but we never invited Ben or Emmett.

"Since when are you a foreign film buff?" I asked as he opened the door to the stairwell in the parking garage.

"I told you there are a lot of things about me that would surprise you Bella. I guess this is just one of them."

"Who are you and what have you done with my brother-in-law?"

"Just because my brother is a neanderthal doesn't mean that I am. Did you ever think that I don't act like myself when I am around my family?"

I could see that. He acted like a totally different person when he was out of that house. When he was home he was always quiet and sullen. I never even knew that this playful and intelligent side of him existed until a few months ago. He had always just seemed like the quiet, brooding, musician type.

"I guess that we all don a mask when we step inside the Cullen house," I said quietly as he took my hand and pulled me up the stairs. I had never realized how much he changed his personality around his parents and even Emmett. Edward really was a mystery to me. And I would be lying if I said I didn't want to solve the enigma that was him.

When we got back to the car, I turned to face Edward as he walked towards my door. His face was solemn as he approached me, and I could tell for the first time that he didn't know how this was going to end either.

As he took the few steps separating us, he grabbed me by the hips and pressed my back into the car door. I looked up towards him and saw that his eyes were slightly glazed over and much darker than their normal vibrant green.

"I don't know how this is going to work either, Bella. I don't know what to tell you. All I can offer is myself." His voice was rough as he slid his arms around my back and pulled me into his chest. He tucked my head under his chin and inhaled deeply before he pulled back to look at me.

I didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't offer myself to him. I belonged to someone else. I honestly didn't know why he would even want me. I wasn't that special.

Before I could formulate a response, his mouth descended on mine and he slowly pried my lips apart with his own. It was soft and sensual, but I could feel the desperation again. He knew our days were numbered.

I opened my mouth to him as he ran his hands up and down my back, making me feel impossibly hotter. The air in the parking garage was oppressive and I could feel the beads of sweat forming along my hairline. I couldn't tell if I was sweating because of his touch or the weather, but I felt like I was going to combust.

Edward ran one of his hands down towards my thigh as we continued kissing. He pulled my leg up and hitched it against his waist as he ground himself into me. I moaned as I could feel his hardness through the thin layers of my dress. He wanted me.

His hand slipped under the hem of my dress and slid along the bare skin of my thigh until he was cupping my ass through the thin lace of my panties. The fact that we were in the middle of a parking garage was completely escaping me as his hand began to move forwards towards where I wanted him to touch me the most.

"Oh god," I gasped out as his fingers ran along the front seam of my panties, pressing the lace into my damp skin.

"Fuck," he grunted as his head fell forwards to my shoulder. "You are so wet."

I was panting as his fingers continued to tease me as I was pressed up against the cold metal of the car door. I wanted him to just rip them off and have his way with me, but I became aware of how precarious our present situation was as a car horn blared from the ramp to our right.

"Are you going to leave or are you just going to fuck?" the person screamed out their car window as I buried my face into Edward's shoulder. He pulled my dress back down and lifted himself away from me as he reached towards the car door.

'I'm sorry' he mouthed as he closed my door and ran to the driver's door, not so subtly adjusting himself on the way. I was beyond embarrassed as he started the car and pulled out of the space.

My face was still flushed as I laid my cheek against the glass and tried to calm myself down as Edward headed back north towards home. I wasn't sure exactly which movie theater he was taking me to, but I knew that there was a renovated theater just north of Lincoln Park that played foreign films.

"I'm sorry about that," Edward said softly as he reached over to place his hand on top of mine as it rested in my lap. "I wasn't thinking. I didn't realize that someone would see us."

"I know, we just need to be more careful. It's not that I didn't like what you were doing, because I did; it's just that you never know who might see us. What if that had been someone we knew?"

Edward exhaled loudly as he squeezed my hand. It was barely after lunchtime and things were already getting serious again. I would never be able to enjoy flirtatious displays of public affection, or even hold his hand in the daylight. There were so many boundaries defining this relationship already and it was getting hard to navigate everything and not become paranoid.

After riding in silence for about ten minutes, Edward picked up his iPod and ran his long thumb along the click wheel until he found something that he wanted to listen to. Soft classical music filled the air and I looked towards him to find him smiling at me.

"This always relaxes me when I am tense." His expression was tender, but remorseful, as he looked at me. He shook his head lightly before he returned his eyes back towards traffic and picked up my left hand. He intertwined our fingers as we listened to the music quietly and I did feel myself relaxing a little bit. The moments when we were completely alone were amazing; it was just when the realities of going out in public snuck up on us that things became complicated. I was at a loss at how we were going to be alone together more often. He had a roommate, and I just couldn't bring myself to cheat on my husband in our home.

When we got off the highway on Fullerton, I was confused. He said that we weren't going home. "I thought you were taking me to a movie."

"I am, this is just the closest exit."

"Are you sure you want to go to one so close to where we live?"

"Stop it Bella. It's not like I'm going to press you up against a building and have my way with you while people are walking by."

"Could have fooled me," I quipped as he laughed lightly.

"Alright, Panera or Potbelly? I know you're hungry, I heard your stomach earlier. You make some frightening noises when you are underfed."

I scowled in his direction as he pulled his car into the parking garage at the Century Centre shopping mall.

"We're going to the mall?"

"No, we're just parking here. I hate trying to find street parking around here."

"You just don't want anyone to scratch your baby," I cooed as I pet his dashboard.

"Or maybe I just want to press you against the side of the car again and finish what we started earlier," he whispered as he leaned over the console and placed a kiss behind my ear.

"You, Mr. Cullen, fight dirty."

"You know you like it," he teased as he turned off the car. "So have you decided?"

I pursed my lips as I thought about it. I really like Panera's sandwiches more, but Potbelly had the best cookies.

"Hmmm...what are your thoughts about cookies?"

"We can walk over and get you a cookie from Potbelly as dessert if you really want Panera."

I smiled brightly as I turned to face him. It was obvious that he really did seem to know me. I only wished that I had paid closer attention to him. He was still somewhat of a mystery to me.

He quickly cupped my cheek and pressed his lips to mine, languidly meshing them together. I sighed as he pulled away and winked at me. He knew how his touching affected me. I wanted to chalk it up to the feeling you got from someone new, but no one had ever affected me physically like he did.

He helped me out of the car and we made our way down to the sidewalk. The tension was killing me as he kept brushing the back of his hand against my own. To the casual observer, we just looked like two people walking down the sidewalk together, but I knew he was dying to touch me as much as I was dying to touch him.

Lunch was fun, the casual banter that was always present flowed easily and I actually found it easy to keep from imagining him naked. Well maybe not easy, but I wasn't imagining him sitting across from me in the nude.

_Ok, maybe I was. Sue me._

As we walked down the block towards the Landmark Century Centre building, Edward placed his palm against the small of my back and I relished in the contact. My body was wound tightly after the interaction in the museum and then getting pressed up against the car in the parking garage. I had never been so amped up before sexually. He either needed to do something soon or I was going to have to take a cold shower when I got back home. I was really hoping for the former.

"What movie do you want to see?" he asked as we stood at the ticket counter.

"Do you know what any of them are about?"

"No, not really, but there are two starting fairly soon. French or Spanish?"

"French?"

"_Oui, ma petit belle_."

"What did you say?"

"Yes, my little beautiful one."

"You are such a cheeseball," I said as I poked him in the side. He laughed at me and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek after he checked to see if anyone was looking at us.

He stepped forward and bought our tickets as I waited by the doors. We were going to see the movie called _Summer Hours._ It was about a French family that came together after the death of their mother.

As we walked towards the theater that the movie was showing in, I spied several posters for movies with American actors in them, as well as some British ones.

"Hey, I thought you said they only played foreign films."

"I never said that. I just said that they did play foreign films," he said tugging me against his side. "I don't actually plan on watching the movie, so the French is just the background music."

An embarrassing squeak came out of me as he ran his nose along the underside of my jaw. He was going to effectively turn me into a pile of goo before we even got to our seats.

Edward pulled my back against his chest as he urged me into the theater, holding tightly onto my arms as I looked for seats. The theater was practically deserted since it was so early in the afternoon, but if what he said was true, I wanted to be out of the line of sight of the person running the movie.

"Why don't we go sit in that back corner, love," Edward whispered as he tilted his head in the direction of the back corner of the theater. Even with the low house lights on, it was completely bathed in darkness. If we were going to fool around it was perfect. I felt like a horny teenager again. Next we would be making out in the back seat of the Volvo. At least it had tinted windows.

Once we were seated, Edward pulled up the armrest that separated the two seats and pulled me against his side, throwing his arm around my shoulders. He kissed the top of my head sweetly as we waited for the movie to start.

My heart was beating quickly as the lights started to dim and the first previews came on the large screen. Edward was rubbing my shoulder as I rested my head against his chest. I could tell that his heart was beating just as fast as mine.

A few more patrons filtered in as the movie's opening credits began, but as far as I could tell, no one knew that we were discreetly tucked into the back corner of the theater. Thank god the movie seemed to have a lot of dialogue or I was going to have to bite my tongue.

Ten minutes into the movie, Edward's hand was still lightly massaging my shoulder as his free hand sat limply in his lap. I stared at his long fingers, fantasizing about what I knew they were capable of. If he didn't touch me soon I was going to implode.

Every time he shifted or looked in my direction, my breath caught. Twenty minutes into the movie I was ready to climb into his lap and force myself on him. He had teased me all morning and then we got into a dark movie theater and nothing.

_Touch me,_ I silently chanted. I just wanted his hands on me.

Thirty minutes into the movie, it was time I took matters into my own hands, literally.

I shifted slightly in my seat so I was facing towards him. He glanced over at me briefly and smiled before he returned his attention to the screen. I placed my hand on his upper thigh as I leaned in to run my nose along the exposed skin of his neck. He smelled amazing, like soap and musky aftershave. He gasped as I flicked the edge of my tongue out to lick the underside of his jaw and his arm tightened around my shoulder.

"Edward," I whispered as I kissed along his jaw and neck. "I thought that the movie was just background music."

He let out a low sound that vaguely resembled a growl as my hand ventured further to cup him through his jeans. When I began to unhook his belt, he turned his head towards me and his lips descended towards mine. He sucked my top lip into his mouth as I continued to touch him. I could feel his erection straining against the denim and it made me more excited than I already was.

When he released my lip I thrust my tongue into his mouth and he moaned softly at the sensation. Edward shifted in his seat to face me as he ran his free hand down my side, brushing lightly against my breast. As I began to unzip his jeans, he pulled his arm from around my shoulders and cupped both of my breasts firmly in his hands as his lips and tongue became more aggressive.

He shifted his hips slightly as I reached my hand into the flap of his boxers. He was warm and hard and when my hand made contact he bit down on my lip.

When I ran my thumb along the head, he hissed and began to drag his hands down my stomach. I shuddered when his hands met the hem of my dress and he reached underneath it and firmly grasped the sides of my panties. He tugged lightly and I lifted my hips as he began to drag them down my thighs. I tried to move my hand along his length, but the confined space was making it hard to do much more than just massage him.

Sensing my difficulties, he broke our kiss and tucked my underwear into the front pocket of my purse before he reached up to the waistband of his jeans. He shifted them down slightly and pulled himself out the opening in the front of his boxers. In the dim lights I could barely see him, but when he placed my hand back on him, he seemed even harder than he was before.

I brought my knee up to the seat so I could sit facing him sideways. He returned his lips to mine and I tried to use his mouth to stifle a moan when one of his hands worked its way back under my dress and ran back up along my thigh.

He spread my lips open with two of his fingers and began to tease my clit as he drew his fingers down to gather the moisture at my opening. He pressed one of his long fingers inside of me and I gasped as I broke free from his lips. My hand began to pump him firmly as he brought his lips down to my neck as he continued to move his finger inside of me. It felt amazing and intense, but I wanted more.

"Oh god I want you," he whispered as he continued to suck on the tender skin of my collarbone.

I whimpered in response as I brought my palm up and ran it along the top of his head. He groaned as I continued pumping him, but as I felt him tensing up he grabbed my wrist. "I want to be inside of you."

I pulled my hand away from him as he removed his fingers from me. He shifted his hips slightly as he reached into his back pocket. He pulled out a little foil square and I giggled when I realized that he had a condom in his wallet. We hadn't used one the last several times that we were together, but I was on the pill, so it really didn't bother me.

"Less messy...," he whispered as he ripped it open and began to slide it along his length.

I looked around us and found that luckily no one was paying any attention to what we were doing. The few people in the theater seemed to be engrossed in the movie. Short of leaning against the window where the projector was held, none of the theater staff was going to see us either. I had never had sex in such a public place before. Emmett had been adventurous, but never like this.

_God Bella, don't think about him now. Think about the gorgeous man next to you._

Edward kissed me softly as he brought his hands down to my hips. He turned me to face away from him towards the front of the theater as he maneuvered me onto his lap. He set me down and tugged up my dress so it was around my waist.

"Lean forward," he whispered as he let go of my hips.

I leaned forward slightly, resting my feet back on the floor as I straddled his legs. He placed one of his hands against my hip as he guided me down towards him. A shock of pleasure ran through my body as I felt his head slip between my lips. Even with the barrier of the condom, he felt so warm.

Taking several deep breaths I slowly lowered myself along his length, letting out a low moan when he was fully inside of me. I had to bite my lip from moaning louder as I rocked against him. Both of his hands were clamped down firmly on my hips as he pulled me back to lean against his chest.

I laid my head back against his shoulder as I pushed my feet off of the floor and rocked my hips against him. He began to run his hands up along the material of my dress as I moved against him. His large hands cupped my breasts as he thrust lightly against my movements.

In this position I couldn't get much leverage against him without drawing attention to us so I just gyrated my hips against him as I tried to fight back the urge to moan. Being quiet was harder than I thought it would be, especially when Edward reached inside of the neckline of my dress to pinch one of my nipples.

"You feel so good," he whispered in a husky, slightly broken voice.

He used his hands to push me forward slightly. It gave me a little more room to move and I began to slowly lift myself up his length before I brought myself back down. The soft material of his boxers was rubbing along my clit as I leaned further forward and grasped the headrest of the seat in front of me. I was getting close and it was becoming harder and harder to keep from moaning.

Using the headrest to support myself, I began bouncing slightly on his lap as he brought his hands back down against my hips to help himself thrust up into me. Every time our hips met it sent a shockwave through my body. I could hear his labored breathing as he rested his head against my back. Every movement was pushing me closer to the edge and I desperately wished that I could use his lips to stifle the sounds that were building in my chest. I bit down forcefully on my lip as the warming sensation began to spread throughout my belly. This position made it very intense as I leaned further forward to rest my head in between where my hands were gripping the seat in front of me.

"Oh god," I began to chant as I felt my orgasm building up speed. I was desperately careening towards release and I had a feeling that I was going to draw some unwanted attention our way if I couldn't keep myself quiet. As it was, I was bordering on biting clean through my lip.

Edward shifted forward and began thrusting himself inside of my more forcefully as my muscles began to sporadically clamp around him. He could tell that I was close, and from the frantic movements of his hips, he was not that far behind me.

As my hips began to shake with the force of my orgasm, I felt his hand clamp down over my mouth. I threw my head back and moaned into his hand as he bucked up against my clenching muscles. I was having trouble moving as my muscles began to loosen. He pulled his arm around my stomach as he drew his hand down from my mouth to cup my neck. I was panting as he continued to thrust into me.

I was trying desperately not to scream as he tried to find his own orgasm, but it was hard to keep quiet because I was still very sensitive.

After several more forceful thrusts, he pushed his hips up into me as he groaned into the material covering my back. I could feel him throb inside of me before he slumped back against the seat, pulling me with him.

If I had thought that sex before this was intense, I was surely mistaken. The way he thrust into me, and how hard we were both trying to be quiet was so erotic. If the movie wasn't nearing the end, I was going to turn around and ride him until they forcibly removed me from his lap. I had never felt so satisfied and turned on at the same time before.

Edward ran kisses along the side of my face and neck as he lifted me from him. He settled me into the seat next to him as he removed the condom and tied it closed. I giggled as he had trouble pulling his pants back up his hips. Once he was tucked back in and zipped back up, he pulled me against his chest, hugging me tightly there with both of his arms.

"That was beyond amazing," he whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

I blankly stared forward at the screen until the movie was over. My eyes couldn't even focus on the subtitles as I laid against his chest focusing on his heartbeat.

The more time that I spent with him, the harder it was to reconcile this as being something wrong. It felt natural to be with him and I didn't know where that left us. I could never be with him openly and he didn't deserve to be someone's secret. He was an amazing man and I couldn't help but think that he deserved much, much more than what he was getting with me. I didn't want to give him up yet, but I knew that someday it would be inevitable.

When the credits finished rolling, Edward pulled me up from my seat and kissed me slowly before he turned me to exit the aisle. He covertly pulled the condom out of his pocket as we walked by the trashcan by the door and dropped it in. He was right, it did make clean up much easier in situations like this. Maybe I was going to have to invest in some condoms.

He kept his normal distance as we exited the theater, guiding me with his hand on my back. It was hard to be so far away from him, but I knew it was for good reason. We were literally blocks from where we both lived and anyone could see us here. Although, after our activities in the theater, the idea of getting caught was intriguing. That was exactly the reason that we needed to be careful in the future, because it would be too easy to get carried away and expose ourselves.

"So that was an excellent movie, don't you think?" Edward asked as he held the door to the street open for me.

"We went to a movie?" I teased as he winked at me.

I fought the urge to reach out and grab his hand as we walked side by side down the pavement back towards the parking garage.

"Bella?" a voice called out from in front of where we were walking.

I looked up to find a smiling Angela approaching us, tugging Ben behind her by his hand.

"Hey," I said as I stepped away from Edward towards them. I could tell he was wary of interacting with people on the street.

"How are you?" she asked as she stepped directly in front of me.

"I'm good, keeping busy," I responded as she looked over my shoulder towards Edward. She had to recognize him. She had been the maid of honor at my wedding, it wasn't not like you could forget walking down the aisle with Edward. He had been much younger then, but just as handsome. "How have you two been?"

"We're good. Shh, don't tell," she said leaning over towards me. "I got Ben to play hookie for the afternoon so I could drag him to a movie."

"Oh, Edward and I just saw a movie," I said as she glanced back towards him. He was standing behind me nervously wringing his hands together. "You know how Em feels about independent films. You remember Edward don't you Ang?"

"He looks quite different than when I saw him last, but yes," she whispered in my ear giggling lightly. "He sure must make the college girls happy nowadays. Too bad they didn't make them like that at Northwestern."

"Ang," I teased as I bumped my shoulder against hers. "It's not nice to talk like that in front of your husband."

Ben was staring off into space obliviously as Angela and I were huddled together. Edward just seemed uncomfortable as he continued trying to avoid eye contact with Angela.

"Well, have a fun afternoon Bells," she said with a wink as she turned back towards Ben. "We have a movie to catch."

I was trying not to blush as Angela and Ben walked towards the theater, but that was a little too close for comfort. I didn't think she suspected anything, but we needed to keep our distance now more than ever.

Edward didn't speak as he followed me back into the parking garage, stopping to pay at the automatic booth before we walked up to the car. He quietly opened my door for me and closed it before he got in and started the car.

"So, that was awkward," he said as he reached over to take my hand, resting our intertwined fingers on the center console.

"I don't think she suspected anything Edward, she knows we hang out."

"Thank god she didn't go to an earlier show," he said with a wry laugh. "They might have gotten quite an eyeful. I had trouble keeping you quiet as it was."

"Hey," I said as I reached over to punch him in the shoulder.

"Kidding, kidding. Geesh Bella, lighten up. You would think an orgasm would make you more relaxed."

I turned to scowl at him as he winked and pulled into traffic. As he pulled up my block, I luckily didn't see Emmett's Jeep. He obviously hadn't cut out of work early with Ben. He probably wouldn't be home for another few hours. More than enough time to take a shower and get dinner together.

"So, do you know when he is going to have to go to his next conference?" Edward asked as he pulled up to the curb and shut off the car.

"Probably sometime in the next few weeks. He has to go out of town for meetings or conferences with Ben and James at least once a month. Why?"

He brought his hand up to stroke my cheek before he leaned forward to press a light kiss on my lips. I pulled back and looked out the window to make sure none of my neighbors were outside before I kissed him a little more firmly. We were parked across the street under the shade of a tree, so hopefully the tints on his windows would shield us.

"I want to take you somewhere. Will you text me when you find out?"

"You know I hate surprises," I groaned as he laughed at me. "But fine, I'll let you know."

"Oh, speaking of surprises. I almost forgot to give you your present." He reached into the pocket behind my seat and pulled out a small flat package, wrapped in blue paper with yellow balloons.

"You didn't need to do this," I said as he laid the package in my lap.

"I know I didn't. I wanted to. Now open it," he said as he nudged it with his finger.

I slowly peeled off the paper and gasped as I saw the familiar figures across the front of the book cover. It was a vintage copy of Jane Eyre, the exact same edition that Carlisle had in his mother's book collection in their library. I had admired it for years.

"You didn't?" I asked as I looked up at him.

"No," he said as he reached down to take my hand and bring it to his lips. "I found it at this antiquarian bookstore downtown. I was looking for some vintage sheet music and stumbled across it. I knew that you always admired the one in the library, so I had to get it for you."

"Thank you," I said my voice thick with emotion. I loved the book, but it held much more of a meaning for me. It was the first piece of literature I had used when I was doing teaching observations my sophomore year. I had been placed at a prep school in Evanston and I was so nervous as I had to give my first lesson. Actually, it had been the school that Emmett and Edward both attended. It was a wonder I never ran into Edward while I was there.

"I'm glad you like it," he said as he glanced out the windshield and leaned over to kiss me again. I didn't want him to stop, but I knew that I needed to go inside. I had already monopolized most of his day.

"You didn't have class today did you?" I asked as I realized that we literally had been out most of the day.

"No, today is my independent study day for my composition class. I have a feeling I'll be quite productive when I get home; you've inspired me."

I laughed as he winked at me and I gave him another quick kiss before I stepped out of the car.

He pulled away when I waved to him from my front door. I walked straight into my bedroom and collapsed on my bed before I dragged myself into the shower. The next time Em left town for work could not come soon enough.


	6. Out of Town Confessions

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, Jane Eyre, or the DaVinci Code. I do own a new house…..but of course, that's not nearly as cool…. :(**

**Warning: This chapter is a little different from the previous four chapters, but it is a large turning point in the story...**

* * *

**Out of Town Confessions**

It took two long weeks before Emmett told me about his next business trip, one that he was being forced to go on with Ben and James. He was not pleased that he was leaving again, but he seemed to have acquiesced to the requirements of his job. This time he was going to Las Vegas for a meeting among the other pharmaceutical ad reps within his company.

I would have thought that he would've been ecstatic to have a boys weekend once the meetings were over, but apparently he was just tired and wanting a break from work. I sometimes wondered if he was truly happy with what he was doing.

We had settled into a quiet routine around the house during the evenings. Dinner was served after he was done watching Sports Center and then we would sit quietly in the living room after dinner. Me curled up at one end of the couch with a book and him sprawled over the rest of the couch watching non-entertaining sitcoms.

Occasionally I would get on my new laptop and write, but everything I seemed to be working on was sexually charged. Several ideas for books had been flowing, but they all seemed to have a flair for the dramatic.

The first week I sat at home, most of the time reading. I was fighting a horrible case of cramps, so I decided that maybe I should stay away from Edward. We still talked on the phone in between his classes and he sent me entertaining texts during the day. Most of them were inappropriate and I had never been more happy to have a separate cell phone plan from Emmett. That would surely be the worst way to get caught.

Edward was busy with his senior composition class and he claimed that talking to me kept him inspired. A few times, he put his phone on speaker and played for me. I had to fight not to swoon over him when he did that. The way the notes flowed together was beautiful and I often found myself wishing I could go see him.

The second week he dragged me out to coffee with him again. He was relentless. He actually showed up at my house at seven o'clock one morning insisting that he needed me to accompany him in feeding his caffeine addiction.

After our little encounter in the movie theater, we had kept things fairly low key, but I was dying on the inside. Each small, affectionate touch lit my skin on fire and I desperately wished that I could get some time alone with him.

Even though I was entirely too sexually frustrated, I genuinely enjoyed spending my time with him. He was funny and he always kept me talking. He would tell me stories about the things that he and Emmett did to get into trouble as children, as well as his time with Jasper when they still lived in a dorm on campus.

He had met Jasper as a freshman and the two seemed to bond instantly. I never remembered Edward mentioning any other friends than Jasper, but I chalked it up to his shyness. He had come out of his shell - so to speak – over the last several months, but you could tell that he still felt somewhat socially awkward. It had to have been hard to grow up in Emmett's shadow all those years.

When I told Edward of Emmett's impending trip, he had been excited to learn that it coincided with his fall break. He insisted that he planned on spending the entire four days with me, but he wouldn't tell me what we would be doing. He knew that I hated surprises, but he said that it would be worth the wait and secrecy. He just told me that I needed to pack a bag for three nights, and I had to include at least one dress.

I was both thrilled and annoyed, but he wasn't letting anything slip.

Emmett seemed to be in a better mood before he left for the trip, but he was still not happy with the fact that it was in Las Vegas. His co-worker, James, was a notorious womanizer and gambler, so Emmett did not want to have to babysit him. I told him to enjoy his boy time and made sure to pack lots of Aleve into his suitcase. Emmett was a whiner when he was hung-over and I felt sorry for Ben and James.

Angela had called me to see if I wanted to spend time with her over the long weekend, but I had feigned a conflict and she stopped asking. She hadn't said anything about seeing Edward and I together so I didn't think that she had any suspicions that something else was going on between us.

The guilt I had felt during the initial few weeks of the affair had dissipated and I was letting myself enjoy it while it lasted. We made no promises to each other or plans for the future but I didn't need those things with him. I just tried to enjoy the time I got to spend with Edward. He made me feel like a whole different person and I was living in absolute denial because of it.

My body was buzzing with anticipation as I packed my bag after dropping Emmett off at the airport Thursday morning. Other than a few stolen kisses in the hallway outside the bathrooms at the coffee shop, my physical contact with Edward had been limited.

The content of Edward's texts had gotten more and more suggestive as the week went on, so I had made an extra trip to Victoria's Secret to invest in some new underwear. I had once had quite the extensive lingerie collection when I was still in college, but Emmett had stopped noticing what I wore to bed a long time ago.

As I zipped up my toiletries bag, my cell phone chirped from my dresser, so I rushed over to check it.

_Can't wait to taste you again, see you in a few. ~ E_

I blushed as I quickly deleted the text and hurriedly finished packing my bags. I didn't know if we were spending the few nights away in the city, but the prospect of being in another hotel room with him was enough to make my panties a little wet.

I didn't think that our relationship – if you could call it that – was based entirely on sex, but I couldn't deny that it was a definite perk. It never seemed like a chore with him, and he seemed to genuinely enjoy exploring my body. I had missed that kind of physical intimacy. I wondered if it had dissipated with Emmett because of time, or because we had lost our connection with each other. Either way, the attraction and hunger I felt towards Edward had been returned by him tenfold.

Wherever we were going had better be close, because being in a car with him and not being able to do more than hold hands was frustrating. I didn't know when I seemed to slip into this perpetual state of arousal, but it was both infuriating and exciting. I could tell that Edward was feeling the frustration when we were together as well, because his eyes always gave him away. I was able to read his expressions almost better than my own, and I knew most of his moods by now.

The doorbell chime startled me as I zipped my small suitcase and hurried to the door. I had yet to invite Edward into our home when Emmett wasn't there, and I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to. Edward's jealousy during my birthday dinner worried me, so I wasn't sure how he would react to entering the home that I had created with his brother.

When I opened it, Edward was leaning against the door-frame with his legs crossed at his ankles. He was wearing his signature dark wash jeans, a striped polo shirt and a pair of dark sunglasses. Even though it was early October, the Chicago weather was still dreadfully warm.

I wasn't sure what he expected me to wear, so I had thrown on a pair of khaki Bermuda shorts and a light pink colored blouse. I never knew exactly what to wear around him, but I figured that he didn't care either way. He didn't exactly seem like the type to be critiquing my wardrobe choices. I was just happy that I wasn't expected to wear the preppy designer clothing that I always had to wear to Em's office functions.

"Hey you," he said as he handed me a stainless steel travel mug and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. That seemed to be our standard greeting as of late, and it always brought a blush to my cheeks.

"Hey. No Bourgeois Pig today?"

"Nope," he said and reached down to grab the bag that was at my feet. "I do know how to use my own coffee maker. I just normally use the café as an excuse to get you out of the house."

I took a sip of the warm ambrosia and hummed my approval as I grabbed my small toiletries bag and purse. I locked the door behind me and double-checked my pocket for my cell phone. I had set the house phone to forward to it in case anyone called while I was away. I didn't want to have to explain to Em why I wasn't answering the phone at home.

"You ready?" he asked in an entirely too cheerful voice for nine in the morning.

"I would be if I knew where I was going," I told him as I bumped my shoulder against his while we walked side by side down the street.

"Not gonna happen, but we'll be there in a few hours."

"A few hours? Are you kidnapping me?"

"Well maybe not a few, but it's more than one hour, and you'd have to be unwilling for it to be a kidnapping. Do you not want to go with me?" he asked as he jutted out his lower lip into a pout.

I rolled my eyes at him as we approached his car and the trunk popped open. "If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have answered the door."

He held his hand over his chest in mock horror. "I'm hurt Bella, you would actually resort to hiding to get away from me. I didn't realize that I was such poor company."

He grabbed the toiletries bag out of my hand and tucked it on top of my suitcase before he walked over to open my door.

_Ever the gentleman._

"You look stunning," he said as he closed my door and walked over to the other side before I could respond to him.

"You know that you don't have to compliment me to get in my pants, or I guess shorts in this case."

When he got in the car, I was quick with my retort, and it set him into a small fit of laughter.

"What am I going to do with you?" he asked as he leaned over to take my hand. He brought it up to his lips and brushed them against my knuckles before he put the key in to start the car.

I had to bite my tongue in order to prevent myself from telling him exactly what I wanted him to do to me. It was only going to make my condition worse.

We got on the highway going north out of the city, and I honestly had no idea what he had in store for our little trip. I watched idly out the window as we drove through the northern suburbs. The soft classical music he seemed to enjoy was filtering out of the speakers and he hummed along as he drove.

"What, no blindfold?" I asked as he looked over at me and smiled.

"I said it was a surprise, not a secret. Although, I may have packed one in my suitcase for later," he replied with an over-exaggerated wink.

_I don't know what it is about the Cullen men, they all think that they're funny._

When we crossed the state line into Wisconsin and headed west, I was at a complete loss as to where he was taking me. _And,_ he was refusing to play into my suggestions.

"Dairy farm?"

"You think I'd take you to see cows for a romantic weekend. I'm insulted."

"So you admit that this is a romantic weekend?"

"I can neither confirm nor deny that statement," he teased as he stroked his thumb over the back of my hand.

"Are you a politician now? You don't exactly seem to fit the description."

"Well, I would have a sex scandal under my belt, so I guess I would fit in well," he quipped as he turned to see my reaction with an apprehensive look on his face. The more time we spent together, the less we seemed to censor our commentary, so I could tell his slip was accidental.

"It's only a scandal if it gets out," I said softly, a pang of guilt coursing through me.

Most of the time, I was able to block it out, but when our banter hit a little too close to home, the gravity of the situation would catch up with me.

Before this weekend, it had not seemed like a full out affair to me. We weren't meeting on his lunch hour in a hotel, or having late night hushed telephone discussions in a locked room. Most of the time we spent together we just talked and enjoyed joking around with each other. This weekend seemed to change all that. Going on a weekend trip was something that couples did. This was crossing a line that I could never go back on. It seemed as if every time I encountered another line that brought me deeper into this, I just jumped without looking. One of these days, it was certain to catch up with me.

I had to admit I was a little nervous as to what he was expecting from me this weekend. Would we only be having sex? I didn't think that we would because of all the seemingly normal activities we engaged in during the week, but one could never be sure.

The prospect of uninterrupted time with Edward and a bed was tempting, but it also meant something more. I could tell that my feelings for him had been shifting as of late. At first, he was just my friend, then he became someone that I lusted after and craved, now it felt like I was missing something when I didn't get to see him.

It all came down to the distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone. What did it feel like when it shifted? Was love what I was feeling now with Edward?

Whatever it was, it was nothing I had ever experienced before and it was more than a little frightening. If I fell in love with him and this ended badly, I wouldn't even know what to do with myself.

I never intended to hurt anyone when this all started, but I was beginning to feel like it was inevitable. Sometime in the future, who knew how far, I was going to have to make a difficult choice, and I could only hope that it would be the right one.

After an hour and a half in the car, I began seeing advertisements for local wineries surrounding a tourist area called Lake Geneva. I knew that they held art festivals and such in that area, but I had never had a chance to visit.

"Are we going to Lake Geneva?"

He smiled at me and shyly nodded his head before he returned his attention back to the road. "Is that alright? They've got some really interesting attractions around this area, and I figured we're far enough outside of the city to not have to hide."

"More than alright," I responded as I sat up a little straighter in my seat as we approached the sign welcoming us to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin.

I was taken aback by the trip that he had planned for us. He really was taking this opportunity for a romantic weekend to heart. When we were dating, Emmett's idea of a romantic weekend was staying at the Country Inn and Suites across the street from Six Flags in Gurnee.

_Don't get me wrong, I enjoy roller coasters, but that is a far cry from a romantic weekend together._

Chalk that up to another contrast that I found between them.

When I was twenty years old, I was determined to become a good teacher, someone who could make a difference in the lives of my students. I was determined and focused, and nothing could get in my way until I met Emmett Cullen.

He was different from anyone else I had ever dated. He was loud where I was more reserved. He was smart in an unassuming way whereas I earned perfect marks. He was so much fun and I was instantly smitten with him.

Back then, he made me feel like I was an entirely different person than who I was on the inside. He was fun, he made me laugh and I loved him.

Once we were married and real life seemed to filter into our relationship, he became a different person. It wasn't a change that happened overnight. I didn't think that I even noticed when the changes started to happen.

The Emmett Cullen I met seven years ago would have made fun of the Emmett Cullen I was married to today. He lost his light along the way, and mine seemed to burn out along with it. I didn't even know how to talk to him anymore.

Maybe I should have tried months ago, and maybe I still should now, but I didn't even know where to begin.

There was no easy way to fix my marriage when I didn't want to anymore.

I felt like a coward. I was willingly submitting myself to Edward when I was still married to someone else. He was putting himself out there, and I felt like I was just hiding.

I was hiding from the problems in my marriage, I was hiding from what I wanted, but most of all, I was hiding from the fact that I had absolutely no idea who I was anymore.

I also couldn't help but notice that Edward had not once asked me to leave Emmett. I knew that it was early on in whatever we were to each other, but if he did ask one day; who was I going to choose?

I had been with Emmett for a long time. He was all I really knew. Was I going to throw all that away for someone who I probably couldn't even end up with when all was said and done?

Being with Edward was like breathing air, it was effortless and necessary. If I were somehow able to find a way to be with him, not just sneak around with him, would whatever we shared fizzle out and die too?

That line of thought was what scared me the most. If I sacrificed everything I knew to be with him, was it going to make me any happier in the end?

As we drove through the streets of Lake Geneva, it had a certain tourist town feel. Edward pulled the car onto a street that seemed to transport us back in time. All of the houses along it appeared to be intact from the early 1900s in a variety of different architecture styles.

He stopped the Volvo in front of a large two-story house that could only aptly be described as a manor. The architecture was a combination of French and Victorian styles with a roof that was boxy and had a gentle rolling slope. The detailing around the roof was painted in a brilliant blue and several arched windows were dotted throughout the structure. The majority of the wood siding was painted in a rich crème color with blue accents. There were several bay windows that were placed throughout the house, as well as two fairly large covered porches on the front of the building. Along the base of the house, there was a natural limestone brick that wrapped around the facade.

It was large, full of character, and it was a place that screamed classic 'Bed and Breakfast.' All in all, Edward had picked the perfect setting for our weekend trip and I hadn't even set foot inside yet.

"Wow," I whispered as I took in the detailing along all of the moldings that surrounded the tall windows. "It's beautiful."

Edward squeezed my hand and leaned over to kiss my cheek. "Just wait until you see the inside."

I had never stayed at a Bed and Breakfast before and all the anxiety I had been carrying melted away as Edward hopped out of the car and came around to open my door. I could only hope that it would stay at bay while we explored the area. I didn't want to dwell on what was waiting for us once we returned to the city. Edward had told me that he was living in the moment when he was with me, and I was desperately trying to follow suit.

Once Edward had helped me from the car, we both walked around to retrieve our bags from the trunk. I carried my tiny toiletries bag while Edward balanced the other three bags effortlessly in one hand. He reached over to grab my free hand with his other one and began excitedly tugging me up the front walk. He had a smile on his face reminiscent of a child going to a candy store for the first time - equal parts excitement and overwhelming nervousness.

My stomach was fluttering as he pulled open the door for me and led me into the front foyer.

The floors in the main entrance were a lovely shade of oak with a perfect polish. There were dark colored oriental rugs sporadically placed throughout the entryway along with ornate antique furniture. The walls had an oak chair-rail that ran along at hip height with dark wood paneling below. The upper portion of the walls were painted in a crème color with an oak crown molding at where it met the high ceilings, as well as a picture rail that ran along the walls six inches below.

There was a small desk off to the side of the entrance and a large grand staircase as well as several rooms off towards the back of the house. It was the kind of place that you wanted to explore and I was happy we weren't staying in some cliché hotel. Not that the time I spent with Edward in The Dana was bad, by any means, but this place was more my style.

I followed Edward towards the desk and set down my bag at his feet while he rung the little bell to summon the owner. As she walked up, I was busy studying the ornate carving that ran around the molding surrounding the front door. I wanted to run my fingers along the tiny little grooves, but I figured that I might look like I was crazy by fondling the woodwork.

Edward quickly gave her our names and got us checked in. We were being placed in a suite on the second floor, and I was anxious to get to our room.

"Enjoy your stay Mr. and Mrs. Cullen," she called as we walked hand in hand towards the grand staircase situated in the middle of the foyer.

Edward squeezed my hand and kissed the side of my head. I didn't know what was running through his head at her comment, but I knew what I was thinking. I wondered someday if I would be able to be married to Edward.

That was the first time I had ever thought of being with him like that, but the idea didn't totally terrify me. Like everything else, I had a feeling that being married to him would be effortless, which was something I could not say about my current marriage.

If I were to divorce Emmett, I didn't even know if I wanted to get married again. Marriage changed things between us. I wouldn't want to risk that with another relationship unless I was totally certain that it would work out.

Edward led me down the hallway towards our room and I hurriedly tried to take in all the details along the way. The house was impressive, and you could tell that the owner kept it in perfect condition. It seemed cleaner than some hotels I had stayed in, and considering that it was a house that was over a hundred years old, that was impressive.

As he put the key in to unlock the door, he looked over towards me and winked. He knew that I was still nervous about what he had planned, but to be honest, the only thing I was thinking of at the moment was the bed on the other side of that door.

"After you," he said softly as he pushed open the door and made a sweeping motion with his free arm.

I walked through the threshold and stopped once I was far enough into the room that Edward could close the door behind us.

There was a little sitting room directly inside the door and a large private bath situated off to the right with a spacious whirlpool tub. Just past the sitting area was the bedroom, and I could see a fireplace tucked into the corner.

Edward placed the bags down in one of the chairs in the sitting area and then placed his arms around my waist and pulled me back against his chest. He was warm, and I felt my body react to him as he slowly brought one hand up to brush the hair off of my shoulder.

"Would you like to see the bedroom?" he whispered into my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. His voice was deep and full of promise, and I wanted to throw him down on the bed and lick every inch of him.

I nodded my head slowly as he placed a soft kiss to the side of my neck.

Before I could react, he bent down and picked me up, carrying me into the bedroom and quickly depositing me on the bed.

I was laughing as I settled into the soft pillows, but when I turned towards Edward, he was looking at me with fierce determination in his eyes causing my laughter to stop.

He pulled himself up onto the soft white linens of the bed, his hands seeking out my bare legs as he worked his way up my body.

"I want you," he stated simply, and I was not going to deny him.

He crawled the rest of the way up my body, dragging his hands along the way until he was settled in between my legs, his forearms placed on either side of my head supporting his weight.

"I finally have you alone," he sighed before his lips slowly descended upon mine.

His lips were soft and slow as they worked in tandem with my own, stoking the fire that seemed to burn within me whenever he was near.

I was squirming against him as he had me pinned to the mattress beneath him, trying to find some sort of friction to ease the ache between my legs. My hips bucked against his and he let out a low moan and pressed his erection into me.

Our kissing became more frantic as our hips were slowly rubbing against each other. The heat was almost unbearable and I could feel myself sweating as we continued to press against each other.

It had been over a month since we were together in a bed, but our bodies seemed to have the motions memorized. Every action was mirrored by one from the other; each thrust was met, each kiss was returned.

Clothing was hastily shed as we continued to touch, kiss and rock against each other. I was surrounded by a cloud of lust as we connected again. I threw my head back against the pillows and let out a throaty moan as he held onto my hips and thrust into me.

The pace was fast and hard as our hips connected, and I grasped at the warm skin on his back, trying desperately to hold on.

He was steadily driving me insane with tilting his hips and nipping at the exposed flesh of my neck and breasts. Edward was all around me, inside of me, making me feel things I never knew were possible.

I found my release first, my legs locking around his as I arched up from the bed. I clenched around him tightly as I came, moaning out his name.

He held the small of my back as he continued to thrust into me, collapsing against me after a finding his release a few minutes later.

We had barely been alone for a few hours and we already couldn't keep our hands off each other. I had a feeling this bed would be seeing a lot of action this weekend.

Edward pulled out of me and rolled over onto his side, pulling me against his chest as he ran his hand down my arm.

"Well, that certainly made me work up an appetite," he joked as he kissed the top of my head.

"What're our plans for today?" I asked as I ran my fingertip through the soft patch of hair on his chest.

"You'll find out as I let you. Just enjoy it."

He still wasn't going to tell me our plans, but for some reason, it didn't bother me as much anymore. I got to spend four uninterrupted days with him in a place where no one knew who we were; that was enough to make me smile.

After laying in bed for a hour, we quickly redressed and made our way into Lake Geneva for a late lunch. The town was surprisingly busy for a Thursday afternoon. People were out walking their dogs, lunching downtown, enjoying the last of one of the warm fall days.

I wasn't looking forward to winter; I never liked the snow. Lake effect snow was unlike anything I had ever experienced growing up. You could go one day with only flurries and the next the city was blanketed with seventeen inches of snow.

Edward pulled the car into an open space at a meter downtown and reached into his center console. He pulled out a handful of quarters and shoved them in his pocket. Being a city resident meant you always had a stash of quarters somewhere in the car. If you could avoid the pricey city lots, then you happily toted around quarters. It still amazed me that people would pay fifteen dollars to park their car to go shopping on Michigan Avenue.

"Be prepared," he drawled as he reached over to kiss me on the cheek.

"I didn't know you were such a boy scout," I teased as I reached for my door handle.

"Eagle Scout," he said proudly as his grin widened.

_Of course he was._

Edward and I got out of the car and met in front of the parking meter. He shoved in a few quarters and took my hand as we walked by the downtown shops.

We stopped at a restaurant called Carvetti's on Main Street and sat outside on their patio under an umbrella. It had a nice atmosphere and even had an outdoor volleyball court that was occupied by several teenagers.

As we ate, Edward took every opportunity to kiss me on the cheek or hold my hand in his lap. It was nice to be able to show affection in public like this with him. It felt easy and natural.

My Panini was amazing, but I kept getting pesto sauce stuck on my face. Edward was quick to lean over and lick it off every time, which didn't help my coordination. He inhaled his sandwich and began to eat my French fries while he waited for me to finish.

Normally when Em stole my food I got irritated, but with Edward, I didn't even mind. I guess it just went to show how differently I felt about the two of them.

After we finished eating and he had paid the check, we went back out to Main Street and wandered around.

We spent hours walking around little antique shops and art galleries, hand in hand, acting like a normal couple.

The conversation was light and easy. We talked about what we saw or anything that came to mind. I hadn't felt that comfortable with a person in a long time. I always felt like my conversations with Emmett never got anywhere. We knew all each other's stories, and we had run out of things to talk about.

As the sun began to hang low in the sky, Edward walked me back to the car and we headed back the way that we came.

"What're we doing tonight?" I asked as he led me up the stairs towards our suite. The rest of the manor was quiet, so I could only assume that there weren't very many other guests.

"You'll like it, I promise." He still wasn't going to tell me, but that didn't mean that I was going to stop asking.

Edward instructed me to change into something comfortable, but still a little dressy. He said the dress was for Sunday night, so I opted to wear a pair of khaki pants with a cute lightweight blue sweater.

I stared out the window into the garden below as I waited for Edward to finish getting dressed and was pleasantly surprised when he emerged from the bathroom in a pair of black dress pants and a white collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

His hair was a shade darker, so I could only assume that he had tried to tame it with some product, but his eyes were glowing.

There was something different about his behavior towards me since we had arrived in Lake Geneva, but I couldn't exactly place it.

"You ready to go?" he asked as he place his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.

I nodded my head before I reached up on my toes to kiss him softly.

He responded quickly, pulling my bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth as his hands roamed my back.

After a few minutes of intense kissing, he released me and let his arms drop to his sides.

"Tease." I frowned at him. He had gotten me all worked up and now expected me to just stop.

"We have somewhere to be. I promise we can resume that later."

We walked down the staircase and Edward stopped at the front desk to talk to the owner quickly.

I peeked my head in the door to the library while I waited for him, and ran my fingers along the books. They had a fairly extensive collection for a Bed and Breakfast and I was impressed.

Edward appeared after a few minutes carrying a picnic basket and led me by the hand towards where his car was parked on the street.

It was beginning to get dark out and I was confused as to why we would be picnicking in the dark.

"Are you still not going to tell me?"

"You might as well stop asking," he said as he tucked the basket into the trunk and rushed to open my door.

We drove out of the city along the lake, passing by several farms and large lake houses on the way.

When we passed the sign indicating we were entering Williams Bay, I was completely confused.

Edward pulled the car onto a gravel path, and a large dome came into view in the night sky. It was attached to a massive building, and I looked over at him in question as he stopped the car in front of it.

At one end there was a large metal dome that sat atop a part of the building that was surrounded by large arched windows. The central part of the building was lined with the same arched windows, and a staircase with a large arched entryway sat in the middle. At the other end, there were two smaller metal domes and a rectangular continuation of the building on the other side.

"What is this place?"

"A division of the University of Chicago," he answered cryptically as he hopped out of the car and ran around to open my door.

"But you don't even go to the University of Chicago."

"What have I told you about living in the moment?" he teased as he started pulling me up the stairs towards the large entry door.

He pressed a buzzer that was beside one of the ten foot tall doors and we waited for someone to come.

The left door slowly creaked open and a young man wearing a dress shirt with a pocket protector and khaki pants stepped out of the opening.

"Ah, you must be Edward Cullen. I'm Mr. Dreiser. Are you ready for your private tour?"

Edward nodded and turned towards me with a bright smile, I had no idea what he was up to, but I followed along as he pulled me along behind him.

Mr. Dreiser began talking about the history of the observatory as he pointed out various rooms to us off of the main hallway.

We were touring the Yerkes Observatory which was founded in 1897 and was a part of the University of Chicago. They still used it for observation, and it took some of the first images of the moon in the early 1900s.

Edward rubbed his thumb soothingly over the back of my hand as we followed our guide along.

When we reached the room with the 40-inch refractor telescope, I was in awe of its size. It was housed in a ninety foot dome and was used by scientists and astronomers worldwide.

They didn't allow visitors to touch this telescope because it was too advanced for an untrained beginner, but he explained that Edward had arranged for there to be two telescopes set up on the lawn of the extensive grounds surrounding the observatory for private viewing.

I was excited as he led us outside. I had never used a professional telescope, and was glad that Edward had planned this for us.

The guide showed us how to set the lenses and focus the telescopes. Edward and I were standing side by side as we attempted to spot things in the night sky.

After we had both practiced a bit, he began instructing us to look for certain constellations, and I was surprisingly able to keep up with him.

Edward, on the other hand, was not so quick to learn. After several attempts at focusing his telescope, he abandoned it and stepped in behind me.

We took turns sharing the eyepiece after I had found the markers, and I was becoming aroused at his proximity. His hands would not so innocently graze my sides as I was looking up at the stars.

Our guide left us alone for a few minutes while he went inside to pack up his own telescope.

Edward stepped in behind me as I was looking for Casseopeia. He brushed the hair from one of my shoulders to the other and began placing small kisses along the nape of my neck. I shivered as his hands gripped my waist and he pulled me back against my chest.

"Did you find it?" he asked as I tried to focus on the image in the eyepiece.

"St-top it," I stuttered as he ground his growing erection into my backside. I couldn't believe that he was trying to seduce me when our guide would be back any minute.

"No," he said simply as one of his hands moved underneath the hem of my sweater and up to cup my breast through the lace of my bra.

"He'll be back soon," I hissed as I backed away from the telescope and tried to pull his hand out of my sweater.

"No, I can assure you, he won't; at least not for two hours."

"Did you pay him so you could make out with me on their lawn?"

"No," he laughed as he released me and turned me around to face him. "I paid for a four hour tour, and we still have two left. I thought we could have a picnic under that stars."

_Cue legs turning to jello…._

I smiled brightly as I leaned up to kiss his jaw. "You are too sweet."

"I know," he teased as he leaned forward to kiss my nose. "I'll be right back."

Edward jogged the short distance around the side of the building and back towards the car. He returned a few minutes later, basket in hand, sweating slightly as he spread out a blanket on the grass.

He helped me to sit down and placed the basket on the edge of the grass before he sat down crossed legged in front of me. He started pulling items out of the basket, little plastic tubs of food, along with small plates and two champagne flutes.

"This looks good," I commented as he began dishing out food onto our plates. There were several little finger sandwiches and loose pieces of fruit, as well as some cheese and crackers.

"The owner of the manor helped. She really is a sweet lady."

"And it probably doesn't hurt that you used the Cullen charm on her. I saw how she looked at you this evening."

He laughed before he leaned over and took both of my hands in his own. "Don't worry. I only have eyes for you."

We talked about his classes as we ate, and he told me funny stories about Alice and Jasper. Apparently, Alice had taken it upon herself to redecorate Jasper's room while he was at class one day. Edward said that he was a good sport about it, but I had a feeling that Edward would not take to something like that so kindly.

The food was good, and we enjoyed the champagne until we finished the bottle.

I was feeling light and a little bit tipsy as we placed the leftover food and containers back into the picnic basket.

Edward placed the basket off into the grass and laid down on the blanket on his back, pulling me down to lay beside him.

We stared up at the stars in silence as Edward played with my hair and I traced the soft skin of his long fingers on our intertwined hands.

It was nice just spending time with him like this. This weekend was turning out to be a wonderful idea.

Our tour guide came back after a little while and packed up the two remaining telescopes and we both thanked him for the tour.

When we arrived back at the manor that evening, Edward and I made love slowly. He kissed every inch of my body before he entered me.

We both reached our climaxes, quietly moaning to one another before he pulled the covers up over us and pulled my back into his chest. He wrapped himself protectively around me, intertwining our fingers over my stomach before we fell asleep, and I didn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

Friday we both slept in late, and enjoyed a leisurely breakfast in our room of fruit, which we fed each other by hand.

Edward took me to the lake to go swimming for most of the morning, and I laughed when I saw how white he was in the sun. I always knew that he was fair skinned, but with the bright fall sun shining down on him, he could probably blind someone with the glare.

He told me I wasn't much better, and chased me around in the sand until I stopped calling him Casper.

We took a boat tour of the entire lake in the afternoon, and went to a nice restaurant along the lake for dinner. It was called Bistro 220, and they had the best steaks. We sat outside and watched the water as the sun set and it was beautiful.

Edward made love to me again slowly when we got back to the hotel that night and I could sense my feelings changing towards him the more time we spent together.

The sex wasn't rushed or risky, it was slow and sensual. He awoke parts of my body I didn't even know existed. I knew that I was getting in deep now, but I couldn't even begin to fathom giving him up anymore. I needed to find a way to make this work.

Saturday Edward had arranged for us to go on a tour of a fruit orchard nearby that was also a winery.

We spent the day hand in hand enjoying the sun, and we even got to wander around the orchard picking our own apples.

While we were walking around, Edward decided that we needed a game to get to know more details about each other. It was basically like twenty questions, but nothing was out of bounds. I had a feeling that we wouldn't be talking about his brother at all, but the idea was to be completely honest with each other.

I learned all about his involvement with the Boy Scouts when he was younger, as well as his swimming career. He didn't like to talk about high school, but I tried to ask about it anyways.

His favorite color was blue, he had scars on his knees from skateboarding when he was little, he placed in the Illinois state swim meet for the 100 meter relay his senior year, he loved all classical composers, he was afraid that he was never going to find a job in music. The only answer that startled me was that he said that he had been in love, but he refused to tell me with who. I didn't think he had been in love with Tanya, but I was too afraid to ask anymore questions.

I told him about growing up with divorced parents, all the different places I had lived before Chicago, why I decided to move across country by myself to study to be a teacher, all of my various accidents and broken bones I acquired growing up, my favorite foods, my favorite artists.

Even when he took me to dinner at a small restaurant outside of town, we never stopped asking questions. Slowly but surely, I was unraveling the mystery that was Edward Cullen and I still wanted to know more.

I wanted to know everything that there was about him, and I was practically hanging on every word he said. I was in awe of the intonation in his voice when he talked about happy memories for him, the way his eyes would crinkle when he laughed at himself. I was falling for him and I was helpless to stop it.

Saturday night Edward wasn't gentle anymore. We had frantic, needy, rough sex three times before we fell asleep sprawled across the sheets naked. I couldn't get enough of him, and I think he felt the same way too.

Waking up on Sunday morning, I was filled with a sense of dread. It was our last day together. The next morning we were heading back to the city and I had no idea how this was going to work.

"Morning," Edward mumbled sleepily against my hair as he stretched one arm over his head and yawned loudly.

I didn't want to have to spend the night away from him anymore. Waking up in his arms for the past three days had been amazing.

"Morning," I said quietly as I scooted forward and tucked my head against his chest, hugging him to me tightly.

"Hey," he said softly as he ran his hands along the exposed skin of my back. "No being sad. We still have a whole day to spend together."

I nodded against him and tried to will the forming tears to stop. I hated knowing that he wasn't truly mine to keep, and I knew now that my feelings towards him were much stronger than they were a few days ago.

I reluctantly got out of bed, went into the bathroom and got ready for the day. We had yet to explore the whirlpool tub together, and tonight that was going to be remedied.

Edward used the bathroom once I was done and we both got dressed into comfortable jeans and t-shirts for the day. He made me wear my tennis shoes and we got into the car and drove out of town after stopping to get some coffee at a shop near the manor.

I was pleasantly surprised when we pulled up to a small ranch outside of town called the Dan Patch Stables.

Horseback riding was one of the few things that I managed not to hurt myself doing over the years. It had been years since I had been on a horse, but it was like riding a bicycle, you never forgot how.

We were going to spend the day on a nature trail with a guide and six other riders. There was a couple that was in their twenties named Charlotte and Peter, that were from Green Bay and a family of four with two kids in their teens. Both girls were apparently accomplished riders and were insulted that their parents were making them go on a nature ride.

When Edward and I were placed at the tail end of the riders, I had never been more happy to get away from the bickering girls. They were riding directly behind the tour guide named Tony, and I felt sorry for him.

My horse was a tall tri-color paint gelding who was a very gentle ride. Edward was not quite as lucky. His horse was a chestnut colored Tennessee walker who did not like having to be at the tail end of the riding group. Edward would often end up beside me instead of behind me, and I couldn't help but laugh at him. I didn't mind, because I liked being able to see his face, but I could tell he was frustrated with his horse.

We rode through fields and a dense wooded area on their property, and I was glad that there was a slight breeze.

They fed us sandwiches and lemonade for lunch once we got back to the stables, and Edward had to hide from the two teenage girls. They had tried flirting with him, and he didn't know how to handle it. I personally thought it was funny, but his scowls in my direction told me that he was not so amused.

We headed back to the manor after we were done and showered together to get the smell of horses off.

Edward couldn't keep his hands to himself, and we ended up having sex against the shower wall before he carried me into the bedroom and did something he had never done before.

He expertly drove me to orgasm with his mouth and fingers. I was so turned on by the time that he was done, I flipped him onto his back and rode him until we both came.

We took a nap for the rest of the afternoon, and I was forced to shower again when he told me where we were going for dinner.

He was taking me to the Italian Restaurant in the Grand Geneva, which was a very nice resort on the edge of the lake.

I donned my black cocktail dress and curled my hair in large barrel curls before throwing it up into an upside down French twist.

Edward wore dark dress pants and a slate gray shirt with a black tie, and perfectly polished black dress shoes. I hadn't seem him this dressed up since my wedding, and I would be lying if I said it didn't make my knees a little weak.

"You ready?" he asked as he leaned down to help me put on my heels. The feel of his hands brushing my ankles set the familiar ache in my stomach and I suddenly didn't want to leave the room.

I nodded anyways as I took his hand and followed him out of the room.

The ride to the resort was quiet. I wasn't sure what to say to him. As excited as I was at how the weekend had turned out, it had changed things for the both of us. We looked at each other differently, we touched each other differently, and I was afraid for what that meant.

I didn't want to return home anymore. There was no way I could face Emmett knowing how I felt about Edward.

After Edward handed the valet the keys to his Volvo, he took my hand and led me into _Brissago_, our restaurant for the evening.

We were seated in a small round booth in the center of the restaurant, and I was happy that I could sit beside him.

"Do you know what you want to drink?" he asked as he looked over the wine list.

The whole menu was overwhelming, but I decided that I wanted beef as my main course.

"A red, maybe a Pinot?"

He ordered a seventy dollar bottle of Pinot Noir and I lifted an eyebrow at him as he spoke to the waiter in Italian.

"I thought you only knew French."

He shrugged his shoulders as he took a long drink of his ice water, then smiled at me brightly.

"How have you enjoyed your weekend so far Bella?" he asked as we waited for the waiter to return to take our orders.

"I've absolutely hated it," I deadpanned as I wiggled one of my eyebrows at him.

He narrowed his eyes at me and squeezed my knee as he leaned over to whisper in my ear. "I'm sure you really hated that orgasm I gave you earlier with my tongue too." He ran his tongue along the outside shell of my ear before he sat back upright, leaving me stunned and silent beside him.

I took a large drink of my water and willed my heart to slow down as the waiter reappeared.

We decided to share an order of the Bruschetta topped with fresh cheese and tomatoes. I ordered the prawns for my first course, and a beef tenderloin topped with gorgonzola cheese for my second course. Edward ordered the king crab and the lamb. I cringed when I saw the prices for the entrees, but I knew there was nothing I could do to stop him. The Cullen family liked to eat well, and I had learned from experience not to argue with their choice in restaurants.

I didn't even want to begin to imagine how much this weekend had set Edward back, but I didn't want to insult him by mentioning it. He had made it clear many times that he enjoyed spending his money on me, and I didn't want to start a fight.

The food was amazing. Edward and I continued playing our questions game throughout dinner. I was stuffed by the time our waiter asked us if we were ready for dessert, and I declined, even though I desperately wanted one.

Once we finished our wine, we headed back to the manor once again for the night.

The walk from the car was quiet, and I was still dwelling on what would come after this weekend.

Edward ran a bath for me when we got into our room, and I laughed as he measured out the crystals from the container of bubble bath with a cup. Sometimes he could be so anal.

I stripped out of my dress as he went back into the other room and draped it over a chair before I went to climb into the water. Soft music filtered into the room as I waited, and I strained to hear the piano player's words as I listened. I settled into the steamy bathwater, leaning my head back against the side of the large whirlpool tub as I heard the faint footsteps of Edward coming back into the room.

So far this weekend had gone well beyond my expectations, and I was certain I was falling in love with him. I resisted it at first; it was hard and completely illogical, but at the same time it was exciting. He had worked his way into my heart and marked me there, and I would never be the same because of that.

I had to find a way out of this situation. There was no way that I could remain married to one man and in love with another one. I would probably never tell Edward, but I knew that's what it was.

"Do you have room for me?" he asked shyly.

When I opened my eyes, he was leaning against the sink, his long legs crossed at the ankles, dark gray boxers hanging low on his hips.

The candle light flickered across the surface of the water and cast a glow around the small bathroom. He looked like a god perched against the sink, his taut stomach muscles bunching and the defined muscles of his arms flexed as they crossed over his broad chest. I didn't think I would ever get use to how beautiful he was.

"I don't know," I teased as I ran my palms along the top of the water, creating little waves along the surface of the bubbles. "It might cost you."

"Oh really?" he asked as he quirked one eyebrow up. "And what would the charge be?"

"Hmm…" I brought one soapy fingertip to my chin and tapped for effect as I hummed. "A massage?"

He chuckled lightly as he stood up and began to pull his boxers down his legs slowly. I was transfixed as his slightly hardened length popped into view and hit his abdomen lightly as his boxers pooled at his feet.

"I think I can handle that."

I scooted towards the center of the tub and leaned forward as he settled in behind me, his legs sliding along my own. He pulled me back against his warm chest and moved my wet hair around to rest on one shoulder.

His strong fingers began to press at the wet skin of my shoulders and I moaned lightly as my muscles began to loosen.

"That feels good," I whispered as I let my head drop forward. I closed my eyes and relaxed as Edward continued to massage my shoulders and upper back.

I was so lost in the sensations that I squeaked in surprise when he slid his hands underneath my arms and began massaging my breasts.

"Oh, so does my massage have a happy ending?" I joked as he ran the pads of his thumbs over my nipples, the skin puckering under his warm hands.

"I don't know. It might cost you," he laughed as he licked the back of my ear. He was throwing my words back at me, and it was making me even more excited.

"And what might that be?"

"Can we continue playing our game from earlier?"

I wanted to growl, but I nodded my head and settled my head back against his shoulder. He wanted to know more about me, and I could settle my hormones for a few minutes to talk to him. I was curious about him as well.

His hands slid down my stomach and he brought them down to rest at the sides of my thighs, slowly rubbing patterns on my skin underneath the water. It tickled, but it felt good, so I didn't stop him.

"You first," I said as I closed my eyes and slid down into the water further.

"Favorite book?"

"That's not even a fair question. You'd have to specify the genre. I read too much," I said shaking my head. "Can't even being to answer that."

"Alright," he said placing a kiss on the side of my neck. "Favorite book that was published in the last ten years."

"Um," I said rolling the large list of contemporary books I have read through my brain. "DaVinci Code?"

He chuckled lightly, the vibrations shaking the water.

"Hey, don't make fun of me," I chided as his laughter continued.

"No," he said as his chest slowly stopped shaking against my back. "It's just that I like that book, too. Although Angels and Demons was kind of strange."

"Did you know that most people don't know that that book came first?"

"Yeah, I got halfway through the DaVinci Code and was confused when they kept mentioning the incident at the Vatican."

"Gotta love marketing reps."

He stiffened behind me as I said that, and I instantly wanted to smack myself in the head. Yes, Em was a marketing and advertising rep, but a pharmaceutical company hardly related to what we were talking about.

"Favorite quote?" I asked, trying to keep going with our game.

"There is one that makes me think of you," he whispered into my hair as his hands ghosted along the sides of my thighs.

"And…..are you going to tell me what it is?"

"Maybe," he teased as he draped his arms across my stomach, settling his chin on my shoulder.

I waited patiently for him to tell me, confused as to why it would be something that made him think of me.

"_Because_," he said softly, "_I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you - especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame._"

He didn't finish the original passage from Jane Eyre, but he didn't need to. I knew what he was trying to tell me. He was in love with me, too.

My heart started pounding against my chest as we both sat there quietly. I didn't know how to acknowledge what he just told me. That quote made him think of me. Me.

_Edward is in love with me._

Suddenly I felt as if I couldn't breathe. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as I took in a deep breath. He was in love with me. That changed _everything._

Questions began flooding my brain.

Was I really in love with him? Should I tell him? How was I supposed to respond to that?

"Bella," he whispered against the skin on my neck. "You don't have to say anything. It's just how I feel. I wanted to tell you."

He sounded sad. He thought I was rejecting him. Didn't he know that I felt it too?

I pulled his arms from my stomach and slowly turned around to face him, straddling his legs. Using both hands to frame the sides of his face, I leaned in to kiss him softly. I pulled away slightly and whispered against his lips, "I'm tied to you too."

I couldn't tell him I loved him. It wouldn't be fair to him. I couldn't say those words until I was no longer married. Telling him that my heart was tied to his was as close as I could express right now.

He smiled against my lips and brought his arms around my back, pulling me against his chest as his lips claimed mine once more.

I could feel his erection stirring as I was pressed up against him and I knew that I needed to be connected to him again. It didn't matter that we had been going at it like teenagers all weekend. Making love with him now was sealing this for us.

Our kiss became more heated as I brought my hands into his hair, gripping it firmly between my fingers. His tongue made its way into my mouth as we both gasped for air.

The water was still hot and the steam that surrounded us made it hard to breathe, but I didn't care. I needed him.

He shifted his hips into me, running his cock along my folds, eliciting a small moan from me.

I lifted myself up slightly and leaned back from him as I slowly lowered myself down his length.

He let out a staggered sigh as I began rocking against him, his eyes still shut tightly.

I was letting my movements against him speak for me. Every time I took him deep inside of me, I was telling him that I loved him. I couldn't say the words, but my body could tell him.

The air was filled with the soft sound of the water sloshing mixed in with our quiet moans and heavy breathing. The music seemed to flow around us, the words being sung eerily capturing my feelings.

_Dancing through the fire - just to catch a flame.  
Just to get close to, just close enough...  
To tell you that..._

_You do something to me - something deep inside._

His hands explored every inch of my hips and torso as my pace began to increase. The pleasure of being with him like this was pushing me towards my release. I could feel it building as he began to thrust his hips up into me.

He leaned forward and captured one of my moist nipples in his mouth, flicking his tongue against the nub as I continued to ride him. His fingers were digging into my hips as my muscles started to spasm around him.

I could barely breathe as I rode out my orgasm, grinding against him, moaning loudly as I leaned my head back.

When I couldn't move against him anymore, he brought one arm around to support my back as he began to thrust up into me. He was grunting and nipping at my chest as he continued moving.

Every stroke was hitting me deeper inside. He was marking me. He was letting me know that my body and heart were his.

Edward moaned out my name as he came inside of me, pulling me down against him as he filled me.

It wasn't anything like what we had done before. It was intense and needy, telling each other what we knew we couldn't say.

As I collapsed forward onto his chest, he held me tightly to him as he kissed my shoulder and neck.

I almost didn't hear him as he whispered against my neck. I didn't think I was supposed to. "I love you, Isabella."

I knew he didn't expect a response, but I desperately wanted to give him one. Someday I would be able to tell him that I loved him, I just needed to figure out how.

Edward Cullen was in love with me. In a perfect world, that would be enough, but I wasn't truly his, and until I was, I could never say those words to him.

Once the water cooled, Edward picked me up and carried me into the bedroom, sitting me down on the edge of the bed as he dried me off with one of the large bath sheets that he carried with him from the bathroom.

He was looking at me with a mixture of desire and love as he touched me, and when he made love to me before we fell asleep in each other's arms, I cried. I didn't know what tomorrow was going to bring, or how I was going to find a way to be with him. All I knew was that I needed to find a way to take back my life.

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A/N: **Thank you to AngelAtTwilight for the song rec, it's You Do Something To Me by Paul Weller. Go look it up on youtube, it really is the perfect song to describe their situation.**

**Masen Manor does not actually exist. I couldn't find a B & B in Lake Geneva that I liked, so I made one up. The pictures on my profile are of Hamilton House, a historic inn that is in Whitewater, WI, approximately 40 minutes from Lake Geneva. **

**Most of the other sights that are mentioned in this chapter actually do exist, including the various wineries and the observatory. Go check out the pics I have included on my profile.**


	7. Ripping off the Mask

**A/N: ****This story is under the angst genre for a reason, and sugarcoating a complicated adulterous affair just wouldn't do this story justice.**

* * *

**Ripping off the Mask**

"Why are we doing this again?" Emmett whined for the fifth time in the last two hours.

"Because we were invited, and I want to go out and have fun for once. We are twenty-seven years old, not forty, lighten up."

"Exactly Bells, we are twenty-seven. Why are we going to a masked Halloween party being held by twenty-two year olds?"

I huffed as I poked my head around the bathroom door to see Em sitting on the edge of the bed pouting. He had the dress pants of his costume on, but his shirt was hanging open and the jacket and tie were still hanging in the garment bag on the back of the door.

"What would you rather do? Sit on the couch and watch boring horror movies all night?"

"I am just tired Bella. I have been busting my ass to try to get this campaign done and I just want to relax. I really don't want to stay out all night drinking."

I threw my hands up in the air in frustration and growled under my breath.

This was exactly what I told Alice when she insisted we come.

"Em, we don't have to stay for long. You don't have to drink. Can we please just go have fun for a few hours and then come home?"

"I hate this gay costume," he groaned as he began to button up his shirt.

Alice's masked Halloween party also came with a theme - 1920s Chicago - which meant flappers and gangsters.

I personally loved my costume, but Em was not so keen on the charcoal gray zoot suit and wingtips that were a part of his costume.

"But these pants are _so_ gay," he muttered as he pulled on the fabric around his hips.

I rolled my eyes and went back to the sink so I could finish putting on my makeup. I knew that it could barely be seen with my mask on, but I was still nervous about tonight and wanted to look my best.

I didn't want to bring Emmett but I couldn't exactly go alone. Alice would be suspicious if I showed up at her party without my husband and spent the whole evening with Edward.

This whole situation was so messed up.

I had begun looking into Illinois divorce laws, seeing exactly what it would entail if I were to file for a divorce, but I was not liking what I found.

I would have to file a reason for the divorce, and I honestly couldn't blame any of this on Emmett. If I wanted this to be a smooth and amiable divorce, the law required a minimum one year legal separation to file for a no fault divorce filed by a single party.

If I just randomly filed for divorce, we would be bombarded by so much paperwork that I wouldn't be able to get out of it without being in an enormous amount of debt.

My schools loans had been paid off, but I didn't have any income. I would have to pay lawyer's fees and filing fees, and there was no way that I could do it without spending our money, which meant Emmett's money.

There was no way he was going to foot the bill for this, and I needed to find a job before I could even think of approaching the subject.

I hated sneaking around behind his back, but it wasn't like I could just walk up to him and ask for a divorce for no reason and say 'oh, by the way, could you pay for it, too?'

Edward had no idea I was even looking into this. I had no idea what his reaction would even be. I didn't think that he ever expected me to try to divorce Emmett.

I knew now more than ever that I needed to get my career on track before I filed for any kind of legal action. It would take time, but I hoped that within a year I would have a job and would have some sort of resolution to my marriage.

Em was still being distant after he returned from Las Vegas. He said that he and Ben had a good time, but he was still withdrawn from me. I would have suggested we go to counseling to try to fix the rift between us, but I knew now that I didn't want that anymore. I wasn't in love with Emmett anymore, and it wouldn't be fair to him to propose counseling if I knew that I wanted a divorce.

I had also begun compiling the necessary paperwork to get my teaching license updated as well as get certification in the state of Illinois to be a substitute teacher. I had put out emails to schools that contacted me earlier in the year, but no one had any positions open. If I had come to this realization in July, I might have been able to find a job, but now I was stuck waiting until the spring semester. Even then, there was no guarantee I was going to find a position.

I hated being stuck in a state of limbo, but I was going to have to be patient about getting things in order.

Edward was still calling me everyday, and he had become more vocal with me on the phone. He asked me every question imaginable, and in turn shared everything about himself with me. He was open and honest in a way that I wasn't able to be, and I hated that loving him made me feel even more trapped in my life.

The intimacy that we had developed during our trip to Wisconsin was still very evident, and I knew that I would have to control my actions carefully around him at the party tonight.

Em wasn't in tune with me lately, but he would be suspicious if his brother and I were mooning over each other in front of him. The masks would provide some privacy, but this was still a risky endeavor.

Edward didn't react well the last time he saw me with Emmett, and I knew that tonight would be painful for him. I hated throwing my marriage in his face, but Alice was relentless with her insistence that I come and she was anxious to finally meet Emmett.

"Are you almost done?" Em grumbled from our room.

"Yeah, I just need to get my hair up and then we can go."

"Fine. I'm going to get a beer."

I rolled my eyes and began to pin the curls in my hair up to make it look like I had shoulder length hair. The years of practice getting ready for company cocktail parties made this easy, but I could still remember the days during college when I struggled with hair products and makeup.

My costume for the party was actually really comfortable. It consisted of two pieces, a flowing bronze colored silk skirt that hit just above my knees, and a black sleeveless top with rouching down the front. It had a diamond shaped sequined appliqué in the center that matched the skirt. I also rented a long, knotted pearl necklace to wear, as well as some vintage 1920s ankle strap heels.

Alice had recommended a costume shop downtown that carried a large variety of options, so I was happy with what I found. They also had a party registry, so they wouldn't rent out the same costume to two people attending the party. I had never seen that before, but I could tell why Alice would pick that costume shop for her party guests.

Emmett's suit had also come from the same shop, but we had to have the legs of the pants lengthened because of his substantial height. He insisted that the pants made him look weird, but I think he was just against going to the party.

He used to be the life of every party we went to in our undergrad years, but now he hated to leave the house most weekends.

When I walked into the kitchen, Em was propped up against the countertop with his back to the living room, watching sports on the tiny television in the corner of the counter. The beer in his hands was half empty and there was another empty bottle on the counter. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at his statements earlier about not wanting to drink.

I was sure that I would be stuck being the sober driver this evening, but I had a feeling that I wouldn't want to drink anyways. I tended to talk too much when intoxicated, and god knows what would come out of my mouth with Edward nearby.

"You ready?" I asked as I fingered the set of masks that went with our costumes. Yet another thing that Emmett had complained about during the last few hours.

"Yeah, let's get this over with. Make sure to turn off the porch light so we don't get egged by trick or treaters."

I made sure to turn off all the lights before we headed out the front door.

We decided to take Emmett's jeep to the party even though it was impossible to parallel park on the street, but he was driving, so I wasn't going to complain.

"Are you sure that you are okay to drive?" I asked as he unlocked the doors and walked to his side of the car.

"I had two beers and we are driving six blocks, chill out Bells."

I pulled myself up into my seat and buckled up as Em started the car and took off towards Alice's apartment. I hoped that his foul mood wouldn't kill the evening, but when his cell phone began chirping as we pulled up to the party, I had a feeling our plans were about to change anyways.

"Sup," he grunted into the phone as he put the car into park.

I leaned my head back against the seat and took calming breaths as I absentmindedly eavesdropped on his conversation. I could hear a deep voice on the other end, so I assumed that it was something work related. It was not uncommon for Ben or James to call late at night when they were working on a project.

"Are you fucking shitting me?" he yelled as he slammed his hand down on the steering wheel.

The conversation had been fairly tame until then, so I wondered what was going on.

"Fuck. Let me call you back. I'll try to get there as soon as I can."

I didn't even bother looking surprised when Em turned to me with an irritated look on his face.

"I need to go back into work. The fucking FDA decided to change the classification on the drug we are pitching in two days and now we have to go back in and change all the print for the ad campaign. James is already headed to the office, but he can't get a hold of Ben. If we don't get this campaign to the ad execs by the end of this week it's gonna cost of company a shit ton of money."

I nodded my head as I clenched my fists. I knew before we even left the house that something was going to come up. His job was hectic right now, and he was working all kinds of crazy hours. It was annoying, but we knew the implications when he decided to take the promotion, and now we were both paying for it.

"I'm sorry, babe. Hey, why don't you go ahead and go up. I probably won't be able to get back home before you want to go home, but you can have Eddie take you home or just take a cab or something. Do you have cash?"

"Yes, Em, I have cash," I sighed as he leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"I really am sorry. Tell Alice we can do dinner at our house sometime soon if she is insistent on getting everyone together. Why you are trying to be friends with a college kid is beyond me, but mom says she is a nice girl."

"Okay."

I really didn't have much else to say. Sure, I was pissed, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Em called James back and let him know that he would be coming in before he walked me to the front door of Alice's apartment building. I could hear the base of music playing upstairs and wondered if Edward had arrived yet. Going to a party where I knew four people was going to be interesting, so I hoped to find his familiar face waiting for me.

"Bye babe," he called out before he jogged back to the jeep and I took a deep breath before I pulled on my mask and headed up the stairs.

Alice and Rose lived on the top floor of the building, and apparently this was a floor party that was being held with her four other neighbors. Knowing Alice, there would probably be a hundred people at the party, so I hoped that I could remain anonymous for the night.

Being at such a public place with Edward was a risk, but with the party being masked I was going to try to blend in with the crowd.

When I got to Rose and Alice's apartment, the door was wide open and there were several couples roaming the hallway on her floor. Since it was still early in the evening, not many people seemed to be drunk yet, but the familiar red plastic cups were in everyone's hands.

"Hey," a chipper voice called out as I stepped in the door and I stumbled back as a flurry of black latched onto my side.

Alice was wearing a black sequined shift dress with a matching sequined headband over her short hair. She had a white mask on her face that had black feathers coming out the top, and even in her high heels, she barely came up to my shoulder.

"You came, Bella. It's so good to see you again. Where's Emmett? Didn't he come with you? Oh I bet he's parking the car," she half blurted, half slurred out, and I could tell that she had already hit the alcohol.

"Um, he's not coming," I said quietly as she grabbed my hand and started tugging me towards the kitchen. I could see Rose doing shots with Jasper on their breakfast bar, but I had yet to see Edward.

He told me that he was wearing a black pinstriped suit with a black fedora, but the apartment was so crowded that all the people blended together in the dark.

"Bells," Jasper called out as Alice latched onto his side. "It's good to see you. Where's the giant?"

"Not coming," Alice pouted as she reached over to Rose and grabbed a shot glass full of some clear liquid. There were bottles of tequila and vodka littering the countertop so I couldn't tell what was in it.

Rose was wearing a white, form fitting dress with feathers hanging off the hem. Her blonde hair was curled in ringlets and even with the mask she looked like a movie star from another era. She would have fit in well in the twenties. She had timeless, classic beauty.

"Too bad," Rose said wryly as she took back a shot and scowled in my direction. I had no idea why she didn't like me, but it was apparent in the way she acted around me.

The three of them did a few more shots before Alice pulled Jasper off towards the makeshift dance floor, leaving me alone in the kitchen with Rosalie.

Neither of us said a word as she continued to pour herself shots, and I wondered how many she was going to drink. I lost count after six. Six shots would have had me puking all night, but they didn't even seem to phase her. Although she was like six feet tall, so I guessed she had more body mass than me.

I felt him before I heard him, and I could tell by the look Rose shot me, that she was not happy that Edward had found me.

"Hey you," he said extremely close to my ear, as he put his hand on the small of my back.

I was sure that my face betrayed my reaction to him, and I wasn't surprised when Rose took off towards the other room, rolling her eyes at me before she stepped away.

"Where's Em?" he asked as he stepped around my side and placed his hands on either side of me, trapping me against the countertop.

"The office," I said as I took in his appearance.

He looked amazing in the suit, even with the 'gay' baggy pants and I loved the way he looked in the fedora. He was wearing a white mask, but his green eyes shone brightly in the dim lighting of the kitchen.

"What an asshole," he said as his eyes flashed with anger. I could smell alcohol on his breath, but his voice was still clear, so I doubted he was drunk.

"He got a call right as we were pulling up, some problem with the FDA."

"He's still an asshole," Edward grunted before he leaned down towards me.

My heart was beating rapidly as I tried to squirm away from him. I didn't want to risk Alice or Rose seeing him kiss me in such a public place.

When his lips grazed my ear, I whimpered as he whispered to me in a husky voice, "You look so fucking hot in that costume. Are you wearing any panties underneath that skirt?"

I gasped on the air my lungs were futily trying to drag in as he pushed me back into the counter and tried to form a coherent response.

"Yes," I squeaked as he ran his nose along my jaw, the top of his hat skimming the side of my face.

"Too bad," he mused as he stepped away from me, leaving me clutching the countertop behind me, struggling for breath.

"Shot?" he asked as he nodded towards the alcohol bottles beside me, and I shook my head before he reached for a bottle of tequila.

"You sure? Last chance," he said as he filled a shot glass and held it up towards me.

"Fine," I hissed as I grabbed it out of his hands and waited for him to pour his own.

"What are we toasting to, love?"

"To a night to remember?" I proposed as he held his glass up to mine.

"Sounds good to me," he mused as he clinked his glass against mine and took the shot in one smooth motion.

I coughed as I took mine. I never got used to the sensation of taking shots in my younger days. Edward chuckled before he filled a plastic cup full of something from a pitcher that was sitting on the counter and handed it to me.

"It'll help the burn," he said as he nodded towards the cup.

I took a sip and winced when the sweetness hit my tongue. It tasted like raspberry kool-aid, but I could tell that it probably had a large amount of alcohol in it.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"

"Would it matter if I was?" he challenged as he took back another shot and grabbed my hand.

He led me toward where Alice and Jasper were dancing and patted Jasper on the back before he pulled my hand up to his shoulder.

"Dance with me." It sounded more like an order than a request, but with the alcohol running through my system, I wasn't arguing.

He pulled my other hand up to his opposite shoulder and grabbed me firmly by the hips. As the beat in the music sped up, he moved one of his hands to the small of my back and worked his knee in between my thighs. We were still far apart, but I could feel the heat coming off his leg, which was increasing the ache between my own legs.

His eyes never left mine as he guided my hips to the beat of the music. I always hated dancing at parties, but with the way his body communicated with mine, all my clumsy tendencies were gone.

He made me feel sexy, and in a room full of anonymous people, that was a dangerous thing.

"God, it's hot in here," he grunted when the music slowed down.

I nodded as I could feel the beads of sweat on my neck.

"Hold on, I'll be right back," he said before his arms released me and he took off towards the back of the apartment.

Edward reappeared a few minutes later without the jacket to his suit. He had rolled up the sleeves on his shirt, and he looked surprisingly alluring in the suit pants with suspenders. He had loosened his tie and undone the top two buttons of his shirt as well.

"You want anything to drink?" he asked as his arms encircled my waist and he pulled me against his chest.

I shook my head and we resumed dancing. The alcohol was wearing off, but I was sweating profusely in the darkened room. I didn't know if it was from the number of bodies that were occupying the space or my proximity to Edward, but my body was working overtime.

Edward and I were caught up completely in each other as the night went on. The urge to kiss him was torturing me as we continued to dance with each other seductively. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I stared up at his parted lips and flushed face. His eyes were sparkling behind his mask and he never took them off of me.

I could tell that we were both struggling to keep things platonic looking to any bystanders, but I was acutely aware of every single time his hands moved as well as every time his thigh brushed against me.

"I'm thirsty," he whispered hoarsely into my ear as he leaned down towards me. "I'm going to go find Jazz and do a few shots. You want to come with me?"

Even though I was sobering up, I could still feel the alcohol clouding my system and the last thing that I needed was to be pulled into drinking more shots with Edward and Jasper.

"No, I'm okay. I think I might get some air and then get some water or something."

He dropped his hands from my back and leaned in to press a kiss behind my ear before he backed away from me.

"Alright, there should be some bottled water in the kitchen. I'll come find you in a few minutes."

I nodded my head and watched as he walked away, admiring the fit of his costume and the way the muscles in his back made his suspenders move.

I was wandering towards the kitchen to find a drink when someone ran into me. When I turned around, I was met with a familiar head of strawberry blonde hair, and I tried to hurry past her before she recognized me.

"Hey, don't I know you?" she slurred as she grabbed onto my shoulder.

"I don't think so," I mumbled as I tried to duck her hand, but she stepped directly in front of me so I couldn't pass.

"Yeah, I do. I know you," she said as she tried to lift off my mask. I put my hand up to stop her, but she continued talking. "You are what's his name's wife. I was totally at your wedding. God was that boring."

I couldn't believe the fact that she remembered me. It had been four years ago, and if she hadn't been Edward's date I never would have remembered her. Although, knowing she was the only other woman he had ever been with left me feeling inadequate. Even drunk she was stunning in her form fitting dress with her long flowing, entirely too shiny hair.

Tanya Denali was a knockout, and I didn't know what he saw in me compared to her.

"Look, I need to go find something to drink, it was nice to see you," I said as I pulled her hand from my shoulder and tried to step around her.

"You know he'll drop you like a bad habit too," she sneered as I walked past her.

"Excuse me?"

"Edward, he'll get bored of you, too." She said his name like it was a dirty word, and I could tell that she was not over him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said as I attempted to walk away again.

"Yeah, because it's _so_ obvious that you aren't fucking him," she snapped before she threw back the rest of the drink in her hand.

"It's not like that. You have no idea what you are talking about." I didn't know why I was even trying to justify myself to her, but I didn't appreciate her cornering me as she threw insults around.

"Yeah, I'm sure it isn't," she said sarcastically. "I know him better than you ever will. He'll get bored of you eventually and dump your ass like he dumped mine. Although, how does that work exactly? Do you go fuck his brother when you come home from his place?"

"I don't even know why I'm talking to you," I snapped as I pushed her away from me. "You're obviously drunk and delusional, so go find someone else to bitch at."

"Oh come on, you are just mad because I'm right. Don't go off and fuck your brother-in-law and not expect people to notice," she said lowly as she leaned down towards my face. "It's only a matter of time before he gets bored and goes and finds someone who isn't all dried up. Not that he could last long enough to satisfy someone else."

I had finally had enough of her shit when she backed away from me. I took off towards where the bathroom was, trying to fight back tears. She may have been drunk, but she was right. There was no reason for Edward to stay with me. He may have himself convinced that he was in love with me, but eventually he was bound to find someone who was actually available.

The alcohol was clouding my thoughts as I threw open the bathroom door and hurried to lock it behind me. I heard someone calling my name as I rushed down the hallway, but the last thing I needed was someone else throwing insults at me.

I sat down on the toilet seat as tears streamed down my face, wondering why I even bothered coming here. Edward said that he was in love with me . I didn't have a job; I didn't have any friends. There was nothing I could offer him. I couldn't even tell him that I loved him.

A soft knock startled me and I grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter before I moved towards the door.

"I'll be right out," I called out, my voice rough from crying. I was glad that the party was dark and crowded; maybe I could sneak out without being noticed. I just wanted to go home. I could talk to Edward later when neither of us was drunk. I didn't know how I could give him up, but I was too screwed up to take him down with me.

"Bella, let me in," a deep voice said as I could hear the door handle being turned.

"No," I sobbed as I laid my head against the door.

"Baby, let me in. I don't know what she said to you, but it'll be alright."

I twisted the lock on the door, and Edward pushed the door open slowly, taking me into his arms as he reclosed the door and locked it.

"Bella," he breathed as he pulled off my mask and tucked my head under his chin. "What happened? I saw her grab you and I couldn't get over there fast enough. I am so sorry Bella, don't listen to anything she said to you. I don't even know why Ali let Rose invite her."

"It's not important," I mumbled against his shirt. "I just want to go home."

He was running his large palms down my back soothingly as he kissed the top of my head and I wanted to cry all over again at how sweet he was being. I didn't deserve him.

"Bella, no, you can't leave. We were having such a good time. You were laughing and dancing with me. Please don't go."

"I can't do this, Edward," I sobbed as I clutched my hands to his chest. He was warm and sweaty underneath my hands.

"I'm sorry. I promise, whatever she said doesn't matter. She doesn't matter, Bella."

He placed his hands on the side of my face and pulled me away from his chest as he looked down at me. He had taken off his mask as well and his hair was sticking up wildly from where it had been hidden underneath his hat.

"I love you, Bella. Please don't cry. I hate to see you so upset."

Edward's lips moved slowly towards mine as he looked into my eyes. My own fluttered shut as he pressed his lips against mine in a feather light kiss. He pulled back to look at me with an intense darkness in his eyes.

"Please let me show you how much you mean to me," he murmured as he leaned forward to press his lips to mine again. This time he nudged my lips apart with his tongue and sighed when I opened my mouth to him.

I could taste the alcohol in his mouth as our tongues languidly pressed against each other. The residual alcohol and adrenaline were pulsing through my own veins, making me dizzy, as he pulled me against him even tighter.

Being in his arms felt right, and I hated that I had doubted that. I was so confused. Everything was a gigantic mess in my life and nothing made sense anymore. I wasn't being fair to anyone, especially not myself.

The kiss turned desperate as Edward spun me around and pushed me against the door. His hands roughly ran down the back of my thighs as he lifted me up and placed my legs around his waist. I could feel his hardness through the layers of our clothing and I ached for him to be inside of me.

We were both frenzied with lust as our hands and mouths attacked each other in the darkened space of the bathroom. His teeth were on my neck as I gripped his tie tightly between my hands, forcing his mouth on me.

"I want you," he grunted into my hair as he shifted his hips into mine. "Are you wet for me?"

I couldn't even form coherent sentences as his hands moved underneath my skirt and began running up my legs.

We were really going to do this. Have sex in a bathroom at a college party. Given, it wasn't the most adventurous place to date but I thought that after our weekend together, what we had was more than just fucking. Maybe it was, maybe this was his way of showing me how desperate he was for me. The same desperation I always seemed to feel when I was with him.

My head snapped back against the door when two of Edward's long fingers brushed past my lacy panties and dipped inside of me. It wasn't slow or tender and I could already feel the tension building as he continued to thrust them in and out of me.

"Oh god," I moaned as he began to nibble on my ear. The base from the stereo was vibrating the door behind me, adding to the intensity of what he was doing to my body.

I could feel my muscles begin to tense around his digits sporadically and knew that I was getting close to peaking. He could sense that I was close and curled his fingers, beginning to rub furiously inside of me.

"Come on baby," he groaned into my ear as I arched my back and began to clamp down on him.

"Oh fuck, Edward," I moaned out as he continued to massage my g-spot, sending aftershocks through my system.

"God I want inside of you," he growled as he lowered me back down to the floor on wobbly legs and began wrestling with the buckle of his belt.

I leaned against the door panting as he threw the suspenders off of his shoulders and unzipped his pants. They fell to the floor with a light clang and my eyes widened as I realized that he wasn't wearing anything underneath them.

Coming out of my orgasm induced haze, I began to claw at the buttons of his shirt, revealing the smooth skin of his toned chest as he lifted my skirt and began to tug at my panties.

"Are we really doing this?" I asked slightly dazed as he pushed me back against the wood of the door.

"Fuck yes," he snapped as he lifted me effortlessly while pulling the material of my skirt up around my waist.

I was vibrating with excitement as he looked down at me with unadulterated lust in his eyes, situating himself between my legs. He held onto me like I weighed nothing as he brought one hand up to the door beside me as the head of his cock slid along the moisture of my lips.

My eyes closed involuntarily as he slid into me slowly, stretching me to fit him. He began a slow rhythm of thrusting, pushing me backwards into the door with each shift.

"You're so hot," he groaned as his head fell to my shoulder.

The combination of the vibrations from the party and the thrusting of his hips were quickly sending me towards my release again and I bit my lip to keep in the moans that were trying to fight their way out of me.

The intensity of having sex with Edward hadn't dissipated over time. If anything, the pull was stronger; I felt things with him I didn't even know were possible.

He groaned and dropped his head into the crook of my neck as I began to tighten around him. His hips were sporadically pumping into mine, sending the initial shockwaves of my orgasm crashing through my limbs.

"Fuck, Edward," I panted as I clawed at the material that covered his back.

"Come on baby, cum on my cock," he groaned as the hold of his hand on my backside tightened.

I could tell he was fighting back his own release until I came again, and I tried desperately to push myself the last little bit towards it. He had never been so vocal with me, and hearing him say that was making my head spin. The alcohol in his system was obviously making him bold, and I craved to hear more.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," he chanted as my muscles finally clamped down on him.

The intensity of the spasms running through me caused me to arch violently against the door and let out a throaty moan. I could only hope that no one was outside of the bathroom, because it wasn't exactly quiet.

Edward brought both hands to my ass and squeezed roughly as he thrust into me and I grabbed onto his shoulders tightly as I could feel him swell inside of me.

He groaned out my name roughly as he finally came inside of me, along with several more expletives.

His head fell into my cleavage as he held me against the door. We were both panting wildly and I couldn't help but think that this was the most intense sex I had ever had.

Panic began to settle in after a few moments. With the intensity of the moment gone, I could hear people talking in the hallway outside of the door and realized that we were still in an apartment filled with tons of people.

"Let me down," I said softly, pushing my hands against Edward's shoulders.

He groaned as he pulled out of me and lowered me down to my feet, kissing the side of my neck as I tried to pull my skirt back down.

I didn't even want to think about what I looked like right now, but I could only imagine that I looked like I had been properly fucked, because I had.

My eyes frantically searched the floor for my panties as Edward stood there with his pants around his ankles and his shirt flung open. I couldn't understand why he was just standing there with a bemused expression on his face, but it was actually kind of adorable.

After I had located the panties, which had ended up hanging from on the drawer pulls in the vanity, I leaned forward and kissed Edward on the lips lightly.

"Are you going to just stand there for the rest of the night or are you going to put your pants back on?" I asked as he continued to stare at me.

He shrugged his shoulders and reached over to grab my mask, resituating it on my face and running a hand down my hair before he leaned over to pull up the pants still pooled at his ankles.

Everything in that moment seemed to slow drastically as I turned my head down to make sure that my skirt was properly in place.

"What the, oh my god, Edward!" a high pitched voice squealed from a door that had been opened on the opposite side of the bathroom. I hadn't even noticed that it was there, but I could only imagine that it led into one of the bedrooms of the apartment.

My heart began to race wildly as Edward shouted, "Fuck," loudly and stood up to shield me from whoever had opened the door. His hand was holding the material of his open pants loosely around his thighs, and the person standing there had to have gotten a nice shot of his ass.

"Oh my god, oh my god," I whined as I tried to cower into him.

My worst fears had become a reality and we had been caught by someone who knew who he was.

"My god Edward, what the fuck were you doing in my bathroom?" the voice screeched as I buried my face into his bare chest, clutching to my mask.

He held my face against him as he turned his head towards our confronter.

"God, Alice, at least let me pull my pants all the way up," he shot back in a dangerously low voice.

"You have two minutes and then I want some answers," she huffed as she slammed the door to the bathroom closed again.

I was trembling and trying not to cry as Edward held me against him, his body vibrating with tension.

"Bella, look at me, I'm not gonna tell her. It's alright, she wouldn't say anything even if she did know it was you."

"Oh god, oh god." I continued my primitive conversation with a higher power as I let Edward's words sink in.

"Shhh," he whispered into my hair as he stroked the back of my head with his free hand.

As if my flight reflex suddenly kicked in, I pushed roughly against his chest, causing him to stumble back as he tried to keep his pants up.

"I have to go," I wailed as I checked to make sure all my clothes were in place and turned to unlock the door.

I had to get out now or we would be found out. I couldn't let that happen.

_God, how could I have been so stupid? I knew coming here alone was a horrible idea._

The whole night had been a disaster.

"Wait," Edward called as I wrenched the door open and bolted out into the hallway.

I didn't even look back as I pushed my way through the sea of bodies and into the living room. The front door to the apartment was wide open and I could see more people in the hallway as my tunnel vision kicked in.

I had to get out of here, and I had to do it fast. I had more than fucked up. I had let myself get reckless and I was going to ruin everyone's lives if I didn't get out of here now.

_Oh god, what if Emmett had come back to the party?_

I pushed the negative thought out of my head as I bolted down the stairs in the apartment complex and through the front doors.

The night had cooled off considerably as I surveyed the street in front of me, although with the adrenaline pumping through my veins I wasn't cold.

I couldn't see any cabs around, but I couldn't afford to just keep standing here waiting for Edward to come after me. I knew that he would, and I didn't want this to be how we got exposed. Alice must have been mortified when she opened the door. There was no way I could face her anymore, even if she hadn't seen me.

"Fuck," I screamed as I began to hurry down the street, trying not to stumble in my heels, gaining the attention of a few costumed party goers that I passed.

I was just going to have to walk the several blocks home and hope that no one at the party knew who Edward took into that bathroom.

It was so delusional to think that I could keep this up. This was reckless and I knew it. As soon as Em got that call, I should have made him take me home. Seeing Edward in public would only lead to disaster and I should have realized it sooner.

The tears began streaming down my face as I hurried down the dimly lit streets of Lincoln Park and I realized what I was going to have to do. It was better this way. This was how it should have been from the beginning.

Knowing that I loved him only made it harder, but my feelings didn't matter anymore. I had been reckless and selfish and I didn't deserve to pull everyone in my life down with me.

There was only one option, and it was the one I had been dreading from the beginning.

I was going to have to tell Edward this was over, that I was done. It was going to kill me inside and probably break his heart, but I didn't deserve his love and it was for his own good.

Somehow, I made it to my street and sped up as I could see the darkened steps of my front porch.

_Home._ I thought before the sobs began to wrack my body.

I punched the code in on the small pad next to the door and thanked god for digital locks because there was no way I would have been able to hold a key steady at this point.

I could hear the house phone ringing loudly as I crossed the threshold and cringed as the answering machine kicked on.

The caller didn't speak, but I could hear the labored breaths on the other end before they hung up.

I knew that it was probably Edward, but I couldn't face him anymore.

My hormones and selfish need for attention had pulled us into this whirlwind of deception and if I didn't get out now, I was never going to.

I felt like my body weighed a ton as I stripped down to my underwear and climbed under the covers.

Tomorrow was going to be horrible, and I didn't want to face it right now. I just wanted to sleep and dream of the one man who I knew now that I could never have.

Sometime in the middle of the night a warm body jostled mine awake, and I laid staring at the window on the other side of the room.

I felt numb as I watched the light from the streetlamps be replaced by the sun, and I knew that my life after this was never going to be the same.

Closing my eyes, I fell back into a fitful sleep and felt my heart shatter into pieces.

*** BD ***

The next morning when I woke up again, it was eerily quiet. Em was gone from bed, but I could hear the television going in the other room.

I knew that I probably looked like shit, but I honestly didn't care anymore so I just pulled myself out of bed and took a shower.

The warm rush of water helped to wake me up but I still felt tense and horrible.

I was going to have to face Edward today, and that wasn't something that I wanted to do.

One look into his soulful green eyes and I would be lost all over again. I had no willpower to fight him, but I needed to do this before things got out of hand. If Alice had really seen who Edward was with in that bathroom last night, life as I knew it would be over.

For once, since this thing started, it hit me exactly how much damage this would do and how I would be responsible for it all. I couldn't let myself do that. Edward's relationship with his family was strained enough; I didn't want to completely destroy it.

I was going to try to do the selfless thing and walk away. I knew it was stupid to think that I was going to be able to just walk away easily, but if it saved him from having to lose everyone around him, I could do it.

When I went into the kitchen to get myself something to eat, I noticed Em sitting on the couch with his laptop open, furiously typing and occasionally letting out a dissatisfied grunt.

"Oh...hey Bells," he said distractedly as I sat down in the armchair across from him and picked at my bagel.

I honestly wasn't in the mood to eat, but I knew that I needed to before I made myself sick.

"You have fun at the party?"

_If you only knew, Em, if you only knew..._

"Uh, yeah, I guess. It was crowded," I murmured, staring into my lap.

"That's cool," he said in his typical, _I only asked because I thought I had to,_ voice.

He looked up briefly and smiled before he returned his attention to his laptop. I sat there watching him as I attempted to finish the bagel and he never looked up or even attempted to talk to me again. It was like I didn't even exist to him.

Today was going to prove to be a difficult day. I was not only going to break the heart of the man who could possibly be the love of my life, but I was going to try to talk to an attorney as well. I needed to know what my options were. I couldn't keep living like this. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

*** BD ***

The hardest part about confrontations is making the other person believe that you are serious. Usually I was fairly adept at convincing people that I was firm in my decisions, but Edward had this way of seeing right through me. He knew me better than I knew myself sometimes, and I knew that he was never going to buy a word that came out of my mouth today.

Even so, I owed it to both of us to try. I could walk away from the Cullen family and not look back if something bad happened, but he would be all alone.

"Hey," he said softly as he settled into the couch at the back of the coffee shop next to me. I didn't even bother to look up from my latte at him. I knew if I looked at him it would make this harder.

I took a deep breath and put my coffee down on the table in front of me. My hands were shaking too badly for me to continue to hold onto it.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he brought his hand up to my shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.

I recoiled from his touch like I had been burned and blurted out why I asked him to come here.

"This has to stop. _Now_. I can't do this anymore. I have to let you go."

I could see the muscles in his jaw clenching as I looked at him out of my peripheral vision. He had obviously not expected me to say that to him when he came here.

"No."

It wasn't followed by anything else, but I could tell from the tone of his voice that his answer was firm.

"It's not really up to you anymore, Edward. This has to stop before someone gets hurt. I can't be responsible for breaking up your family."

"And I am not going to let you walk away from this."

"I didn't come here to fight with you. I just wanted to let you know that I was done. I have to walk away now before I can't do it anymore."

I could practically feel the heat coming off of his body while I struggled to keep from looking at him. He was not happy, and I hated doing this to him.

"You can walk away, but I will follow you. I am not about to let you walk out of my life again. _This_," he said gesturing between us, "is worth fighting for. And if I have to prove that to you, then I will."

I honestly didn't even know what to say in response to that. Before I could formulate a response, he leaned in and kissed my cheek and then stood up.

He hesitated for a moment before he leaned in to whisper something in my ear.

"I love you."

Then he was gone.


	8. Giving Thanks or Giving Up?

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, I just like making the characters cry...**

* * *

**Giving Thanks or Giving Up?**

"Mrs. Cullen? Hello? Are you alright dear?"

"Oh, God. Yes. Sorry. What was it that you needed?" I asked quickly, internally chastising myself for not paying closer attention.

"I just need you to sign these forms and give me your social security card and license. I need to make a few copies and then you are ready to go. The paper copy of your sub certificate should be to you sometime in the next ten days," the woman explained as she turned towards the copy machine in the corner of the room.

"Alright, will you send a copy to the school district or do I need to get one for them as well?"

She turned back around to face me and said, "Well since you have a teaching license in the state of Illinois, you should be able to give them that number. Your sub certification will be added to your license now that you have completed the training course."

I waited while she got the rest of my paperwork in order and then put everything back into my purse and left.

While I was walking back down the street to my car in the parking garage, I thought about how nervous I was to be taking the first step towards my new life.

It had been over three weeks since Halloween, and I had spent every waking hour trying to stop thinking about Edward. He was making it anything but easy.

My cell phone had been chirping non-stop with song lyrics and quotes from poems. They were things that made me blush and made my heart sing, but I hadn't responded to any of them. I couldn't talk to him and not go running back into it all.

Monday was when the packages started showing up on my doorstep. At first, I thought that maybe they were delivered to the wrong address, but the wrapping for each one had a delicately scripted E in the corner.

He was trying to slowly torture me into talking to him, and I hated to admit it, but it was working.

When I woke up this morning, I had sat on my couch for twenty minutes with a brand new copy of my favorite CD in my lap and my finger hovered over the send button on my cell phone. I wanted to thank him for his presents, but I needed time to figure out things away from him.

I was already slotted to start my substitute position with the high school a few miles away from the house for the Monday after Thanksgiving. They had an English teacher who was contemplating retirement, and I was covering his classes while he was on a short-term disability leave.

It was only a freshman survey class, but it was something, and I would finally be earning my own income. It was not for much pay, but it was several hundred dollars a week that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

My lawyer had given me some valuable advice. He had told me that I needed to take a step back and get my life in order before I filed for divorce, because if I didn't, jumping into the divorce might be a huge mistake. Not that he didn't believe that I was genuinely unhappy with my marriage, but he wanted to make sure I was ready to stand on my own before I started dismembering the life I had built with Emmett.

He was right; I wasn't happy, but I didn't want to hurt Emmett. He wasn't a bad husband, he was just focused on his job more than me. He was trying to make a name for himself and build a career, and I just wasn't a priority anymore.

"Bella?" a tinkling voice chimed from over the fence of the coffee shop I was passing on the way back to my car.

I turned towards the noise and cursed my luck as Alice sat there in all her hyperactive glory.

"Hi, Alice. How are you?" I asked as I navigated my way between the tables to get to her.

"Oh God, I am so tired. My classes have been killing me. I am so looking forward to going home on Wednesday. Have any exciting plans for Thanksgiving?"

I hesitantly sat down in the seat across from her and nodded my head till she was finally finished.

"Just the annual Cullen gathering. Not anything too exciting."

"I think Edward told me about that," she said with a strange grin in my direction. "He said that _you_ are usually there to distract him from the annoying great aunts who pinch."

"Oh, well yeah. Em, Edward and I usually try to escape to the media room with the cousins to hide from them."

"Well I guess everything will be different this year, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

She furrowed her brow and studied my face before she continued. "He really didn't tell you? I thought you guys like talked all the time."

I shook my head no, completely confused as to what she was getting at.

"Well it should be different this year since Edward is bringing a date. I thought for sure he would have told you….."

She kept talking after that, but my brain had turned itself off.

_He was bringing a date._

_Edward was bringing a fucking date to Thanksgiving, all the while sending me love texts and presents everyday._

"Bella? Bellllaaa?" Alice said while holding her hand up in front of my face.

"Oh, sorry. I have been doing that a lot today."

"It's alright. I was just saying that its too bad I will be in Mississippi with Jasper or we could go shopping on Friday. Oh well, I guess another time. I still need to meet Em, right? Maybe all of us can make a day out of it sometime. It's not like Chicago is devoid of shopping."

"That sounds great, Alice. Well, I guess I should probably let you get back to studying," I said motioning towards the textbooks spread out across the table. "I need to get to the grocery store."

"Okay Bells. Don't forget you can call me whenever you want some girl time. Edward told me you don't have a lot of friends left in the city."

_I am sure he did. Asshole._

I was fuming as I walked the few blocks and up into the parking garage.

_Fight for this, my ass._

_Fine, it's on Edward. You want to bring a date to Thanksgiving, then I will give you a reason to be jealous. If you thought my birthday was hard, you have another thing coming._

God, who was I kidding? As soon as I saw them together I was probably going to burst into tears.

Since running into Alice downtown, I had decided that I was officially going to take my life back for myself.

If Edward was going to start dating again and bring people to a major family holiday only days after he said he would fight for me, then I obviously needed to learn to rely solely on myself.

All of the packages and gifts had been boxed up and returned to sender. I didn't feel comfortable taking anything from him anymore. It was obvious that I was in this thing on my own.

Thanksgiving was going to be a nightmare. Not only was I unhappy with my husband and being forced to spend hours on end with his extended relatives, but I was also going to have to be around Edward and his _date._

How the hell did he find a date anyways? It wasn't as though I knew he wasn't capable of finding someone to go with him, but who was he bringing?

I couldn't even make myself think about the possibilities because the options made me sick. Did he go back to Tanya? Did he meet some new girl and fall for her, realizing that it would be much easier to be with someone his own age?

I thought that I was ready to let him go in order to keep him from getting hurt, but who was I kidding? I was protecting myself and now it was all backfiring. I was alone more than ever and I was going to have to suffer through watching Edward be happy with someone else.

Stupidly, I seemed to have deluded myself into thinking that when I finally got my life back that he would be waiting for me. That we would find some way to be together without all of the drama, but real life didn't work that way. I was naïve to even think that.

If I could have gone back, I would have talked to him more, asked him to wait for me. But now I just had to live with my mistakes. That seemed to be true in every part of my life; I was learning to deal with my own mistakes. Mistakes that had me in an unhealthy marriage, a life I didn't want, and now mistakes that were taking me away from the one person who seemed to actually _get_ me.

I had really made a horrible mess of my own life, and I had no one to blame but myself.

*** BD ***

When Em stopped the Jeep in front of his parents' house, I cringed as I saw the line of cars wrapped around the side of the house. I hated these big family gatherings, and after all these years, I still screwed up people's names.

"Do we have to do this?" I asked quietly as Em reached for the door handle on his side of the car.

"Bella, stop it. How many times do we have to go over this? It's just a family dinner, it's one night, it won't kill you. Anyways, I am excited to see this chick that Eddie is bringing home. Mom said she was hot. Well, she didn't say hot, she said attractive young lady, but still. It's nice to know my little brother is capable of getting his dick wet."

I groaned as I tried to block the image of Edward having sex with someone else out of my head. The last thing I needed today was to go into a jealous rage and take out Edward's date. Esme might get angry with me for getting blood on her table linens.

As we approached the front door, I caught up with Em and grabbed his hand before he opened it.

My goal today was going to be to act as normal as possible. I wasn't going to let Edward get to me, and I was going to be the perfect doting wife while I was stuck in this marriage.

Emmett held the door open for me and motioned for me to step into the foyer.

The smell of turkey and dressing filled the air of the house and I could hear laughter coming from the rooms near the back of the house.

Normally I would have snuck into the kitchen first thing to help Esme, but I didn't know who Edward's date was, and didn't want to be forced to spend time with her.

"Bella!"

"Oh god, kill me now," I grumbled as Emmett's great aunt Heidi waddled over towards us and turned her cheek towards me.

Why this wrinkly old woman wanted everyone in the world to kiss her cheek was beyond me, but I did it anyways, trying not to make actual contact with her skin.

"It's so nice to see you again Heidi," I said with fake enthusiasm as Emmett put his arm around my waist and held me against his side.

"Oh, of course, Bella, dear. I love getting to see all you young folks at these gatherings," she said happily as she motioned for me lean in towards her. "And you are much nicer than that frosty blonde girl that your brother-in-law brought with him this year. I get cold just looking at her."

_Oh god. Please, please, please let it not be Tanya. Or someone equally horrid._

"Eddie!" Em boomed excitedly as he tugged me across the foyer and away from great aunt Heidi.

He normally was not nearly that excited to see Edward, but apparently seeing his brother's new "conquest" had made him giddy.

"Em," Edward said solemnly as he looked towards me with sad eyes. I knew he didn't like seeing me with his brother, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

"Where's your hot date man?" Emmett asked excitedly as he clapped Edward on the back firmly.

"She's in the bathroom," he said averting his eyes from mine and looking towards the ornate rug decorating the floor.

_That's right asshole, be sorry._

I didn't know why I felt so hostile towards him, but I guess it probably had something to do with the fact that he actually brought a date with him to a family gathering that he knew I would be at. I knew I had no actual claim on him, but with what he had said to me about fighting for what we had, I actually expected him to want to do that. I guess I was sorely mistaken.

Edward, Emmett and I stood in awkward silence for a few moments. Em was absentmindedly rubbing my side while I tried not to feel disgusted. Edward was standing across from us with his jaw clenched and hands balled up in his front pockets.

Just as I was going to say _anything_ to cut the tension, the clicking sound of high heels on the wood floors rung out across the room and the three of us turned towards the sound.

Em's face lit up like he had just won the lottery and he let out a low whistle while Edward and I both looked like someone had killed our favorite pet.

Any amount of preparation could not have prepared me for the sight in front of me as I raised my eyes towards the other side of the room.

Rosalie _fucking _Hale was trotting across the wood floor in the hallway and coming towards us wearing the shortest black skirt that had probably ever been worn, _ever,_ in the Cullen home along with a flowing white silk blouse and shoes I could only describe as _Fuck Me Pumps_. Her ice blonde hair was styled into a sleek ponytail at the base of her neck with long curls flowing down her back.

_Kill. Me. Now._

That getup on anyone else would have probably looked trashy, but she looked radiant, and she also had a coy smirk plastered on her face as she appraised me that meant that she knew this would get under my skin.

I suddenly felt extremely dowdy in my burgundy colored cowl neck sweater and plain black dress pants.

Edward was wearing his blue oxford shirt unbuttoned with a gray t-shirt underneath, but he still had on the obligatory black dress pants and dress shoes. Esme always insisted on having her sons look a certain way during the family holidays. I was certain she would probably make Edward button up his shirt at some point during the day.

Emmett, as always, was dressed to her specifications in a striped dress shirt and he had a dark, sleeveless v-neck sweater pulled over the top of it. For him, dressing like that was dressing down from the usual because he wore suits most of the time.

I wasn't sure if Rose knew what had transpired between Edward and I, but from the way that she latched onto his arm and planted a wet kiss to his cheek before batting her eyelashes in my direction meant that she knew something between us was not normal.

A hand at Edward's side twitched, as if he wanted to wipe all traces of her from his skin, but it could have just been my imagination. Or wishful thinking.

"Eddie, why don't you introduce me to your brother?" she cooed as she smoothed out the collar of his shirt and ran her hand down his chest.

The sight of her touching him made me want to throw up in my mouth a little.

"Yes, Eddie, introduce us," Em urged as he dropped his hand from my side and rubbed his palm on his dress pants.

You would think touching his wife gave him cooties or something.

"Emmett, this is my _friend_, Rosalie Hale. Rose, this is Emmett Cullen, my older brother, and you have met his wife, Bella, before."

Em looked over in my direction with a questioning glance briefly before he focused his attention on Rose.

He picked up her extended hand and brought it to his lips before mumbling, "It's very nice to meet you."

My eyes widened in response at his ridiculous antics. He had always been overly friendly but this was a little overkill.

Rose, on the other hand, seemed to eat it up and actually blushed before chiming, "Likewise."

The voice inside my head mocked her as I rolled my eyes and looked towards Edward who happened to be intently staring at me. His expression was somewhere between adoration and sorrow, and it pained me to keep eye contact with him.

I glared at him briefly before grabbing Em by the hand and dragging him toward the den.

"It was nice to see you again, Rose. Emmett and I have to go say hello to the other family members now."

"What was that about Bells?" Em grumbled as I practically dragged him behind me.

"Nothing," I spat as we entered the den and I surveyed the group of people who were gathered with cocktails in their hands.

Drinking sounded like a wonderful idea right about now.

"Em, get me a whiskey sour from the bar please?" I asked quietly as he looked at me like I had grown two heads.

Normally at family events, I stuck to two glasses of wine, but I had a feeling I was going to need a little Jack to keep me calm.

"Coming right up," he said heartily as he strode towards the bar tucked into the corner of the room. I knew that Carlisle kept twelve different types of whiskey in his liquor cabinet, so Emmett should have no trouble finding something to take off the edge.

*** BD ***

Avoiding the ice bitch seemed to be harder than I had anticipated. She seemed to tow Edward around the room and dote on him while talking to relatives who always happened to be standing close to where I was attempting to drink an entire bottle of whiskey.

I was definitely feeling drunk enough to lose my filter, so I stayed out of ear shot before I said something to her I knew would get me into trouble.

"Oh yes, Edward and I have been together for quite some time," Rose said excitedly to his cousin Lucy, who appeared to be greedily drinking in all of Rosalie's commentary. "We were friends for a very long time, through our roommates, and everything has just sort of fallen into place."

I looked over towards them at that comment and was shocked to find them standing closely together, Edward's hand on the small of Rosalie's back and her hand gripping his forearm. If everything Rose was saying was true, then something had been brewing between the two of them for quite some time. I guess it would explain her constant hostility towards me. She thought that I was competition for his affection.

"Oh wow, I only hope I am as lucky when I go off to college next Fall," Lucy said with thinly veiled excitement. "I heard that college boys were only after one thing."

"Well, they are," Rose said laughing and looking towards Edward. "But that's not always such a bad thing."

_Ugh. _

I didn't even want to think about Edward sticking any part of his body near Rosalie's but her comments implied that he did, and quite frequently. Listening to her talk so candidly with him standing there saying nothing was killing me.

_Did he even realize that people could hear what Rose was saying about them?_

I threw back my glass and took a large swig, relishing the burn moving down my throat. At least I could still feel something other than disgust at her behavior.

Right on cue, Rose looked over Edward's shoulder and winked at me, tossing her hair to the side, and whispering something in his ear. His shoulders seemed to tense up and he dropped his hand from her back, but she kept him in place as she kissed him on the neck and placed her hand on his shoulder.

I had never wanted to strangle someone so much in my entire life, but I returned my focus to my drink, as it had yet to let me down.

As I finished the last swig of alcohol from my glass, I set it down on the table nearest to me and sighed as I walked up to Emmett, who was talking to his uncles about some sort of financial planning.

"Hey Bells," Em said quickly as he continued his conversation with his uncles.

I stood at his side, gripping his elbow as I pretended to pay attention, nodding as needed.

The food needed to be served quickly before all of the alcohol started to hit me, and I almost squealed when Esme walked into the room with a triumphant look on her face.

"Alright, everyone. The food is done and waiting on the table. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who could be here to join us today. There are lots of familiar faces and some not so, but I welcome everyone to our family celebration with open arms. I hope that you are all hungry, because there is plenty of food. There are place cards at the tables, so feel free to seat yourselves when you are ready."

"Mmmm," Em groaned as he sniffed the air. He was like an eating machine when it came to his mother's cooking, and I was anticipating a heavy turkey coma to overtake him once he got his fix of football this afternoon.

"Come on Bells, let's get our turkey on," he said clapping his hands together and dragging me into the living room where a six foot long banquet table had been set up for the younger crowd.

All of the adults were in the formal dining room around the corner, but there was always more than one turkey, and this table had quite the spread on it as well. Esme Cullen had outdone herself yet again.

I wobbled a little bit when Emmett pulled out his chair for me and motioned for me to sit down. Always a gentleman in his mother's house. It was what was expected of the Cullen boys.

"I think you need to stick to water from here on out," Emmett chuckled before he sat down next to me and practically started eye-fucking the carved turkey in front of us.

I stamped down the urge to stick my tongue out at him and took a large drink of the ice water at my place-setting and sat back as I waited for the rest of the group to be seated.

Low and behold, a crackling sensation was sent up my spine as a warm body settled in beside me. I looked over briefly and caught sight of a small grin and nod from Edward as he sat down.

_Oh goody, I get to sit next to him too._

As Rosalie settled into her seat beside him, I felt a jolt of rage course through me as I took in the placement of her hand.

It just happened to be placed on the lower part of Edward's thigh, her thumb rubbing in circles across the fabric of his dress pants.

_WHAT. THE. FUCK._

I immediately scooted my seat closer to Emmett and he looked at me curiously before he placed a few slices of turkey on my plate and passed the platter on.

In the time that I was distracted by my next door neighbors, all of the cousins has been seated and the food was starting to make its way around the table.

I sat there dumbfounded as conversations went on around me, feeling crushed by the pink elephant that seemed to have taken up residence in my lap.

"So Bella," Rose started, leaning over Edward to talk to me as everyone at the table tried to fill their plates. "Edward told me that you went to school to teach. Are you planning on teaching at any of the schools in the area?"

I narrowed my eyes at Edward for even talking to her about me as I tried to figure out a way to answer her without coming off as hostile.

"Actually, I am going to be filling in for a teacher at a school in Lincoln Park while he is on disability leave starting next week."

Honestly, Emmett was bound to find out sooner or later, and he might as well find out now, while there were witnesses.

"You never told me that," Em said with disdain as he brought his hand down to where mine was resting on the table top.

"I just found out a few days ago."

"We never talked about this Bella. I thought you wanted to stay home and write."

Rosalie had a smug look on her face as she watched our exchange and I desperately wanted to reach across Edward and smack it off.

"No, you wanted me to stay home and write," I hissed at him in a lowered voice. "Now is not the time to start this discussion. I am doing it, end of story."

Emmett's jaw tensed as his fork dropped to his plate and he stood up from his seat swiftly. He marched determinately towards the den, where I knew he would be hitting his father's scotch that was stashed under the bar.

He returned a few minutes later with a glass filled way over three fingers of the amber liquid and dug into his plate of food.

I could see Edward's worried looks from the corner of my eye. Rose's hand was now missing from his lap, but she was still sitting with her leg touching his under the table.

"I'm sorry," he leaned over and whispered quietly as I fumed, wanting nothing more than to go home and forget this day ever happened.

Ignoring the way that his warm breath made the hairs on my neck stand on end, I nodded and concentrated on mutilating the turkey that was on my plate.

At some point, I noticed that Rose's hand had wondered back to Edward's thigh, and was glad that Emmett had cut me off from the whiskey when he had. I was also thankful that Esme had not given me a sharper knife.

This day could not end soon enough.

*** BD ***

Hiding out in the basement entertainment room at the Cullen house seemed to be as much of a tradition as pumpkin pie during Thanksgiving.

The younger cousins all joined us, the men watching football and the women gossiping about boys.

Em and Edward were the oldest of the cousins, so I tended to stay away from the teenage girls and curl up with Em watching the football players run up and down the field in their tight pants.

Occasionally, I would join Edward at the newest game console and challenge him to a game, but that obviously would not be happening this year.

The four of us seemed to be locked into some awkward alternate reality where stilted conversation and surreptitious looks being exchanged were commonplace, and it was beyond tense.

Emmett still wasn't really talking to me, and I was fine with it, because I was done letting him boss me around.

After Rose's inappropriate touching that I got the pleasure of witnessing at the dining room table, I wanted to choke her. Or shove one of her high heels into her eye socket, but I had a feeling that would probably get me into trouble.

"_So,_" Emmett drawled as he flipped the television to pre-bowl coverage of the Northwestern game. "What are you going to school for Rose? Are you a music major like Eddie?"

"Oh, no. Actually, I am double majoring in Marketing and International Communications. I am afraid that I lack the discipline to deal with anything musical."

"You're kidding?" he said excitedly as he sat up and focused all of his attention on the stunning blonde sitting across from us. "I was a Marketing and Nutritional Science double major at Northwestern. I work as an advertising account manager with a pharmaceutical company. What field do you want to work in? Finance, retail, international commerce?"

"I was actually thinking of working in advertising, but the program requires a practicum internship. I haven't been able to find a company locally who has space for an intern next semester, so I might just look into doing retail marketing. It's not nearly as interesting, but it would pay the bills eventually."

Emmett grinned and reached toward his back pocket to pull out his wallet. I knew that he kept a few business cards in there, but I couldn't believe that he was actually going to offer to find Rose a job.

She had been blatantly flirting with him all day. It was bad enough that she was flirting with my husband, but she was supposed to be here as Edward's date. Her behavior was just rude.

Emmett was eating every single bit of it up. He had always been a natural flirt, and people person, which was why he was so good at his job, but with Rose it seemed different.

Their bodies were always angled towards each other, and he looked at her like everything that came out of her mouth was golden. It was obvious that they were attracted to each other, but couldn't they have at least attempted to hide it around their significant others?

Edward looked miserable or bored half the evening, and once my alcohol wore off, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and pretend I didn't exist anymore.

I had never felt like I played second fiddle to anything but his job, but Emmett's behavior around Rose made me realize that he wasn't even attracted to me anymore.

Since they had been talking, he had barely even touched me. He usually at least tried to hold my hand at family functions. He may not have been overly affectionate at home, but in public he seemed to pretend to like being around me. Maybe our marriage had deteriorated to the point where he didn't even feel like he needed to put on a show anymore. Why pretend you like your wife when you didn't anymore?

As they continued to talk shop, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back into the couch cushions, trying not to jump over the coffee table every time that Rose giggled.

Today had been an absolute clusterfuck. First Edward showed up with a date, then said date tried to feel him up under the dining room table, date also flirted with my husband, and now I was stuck with the three of them in the basement watching football. Not exactly my idea of great holiday fun.

"Boys!" Esme's voice carried down the stairs towards us and we all sat up and waited as we heard her descend the stairs.

"I know you are watching sports, but the pans are not going to wash themselves. So take a break and go upstairs to clean your mother's kitchen."

I smiled at the opportunity to get away from them the awkward tension in the basement and volunteered to go help.

"Why don't Em and I go upstairs and clean while Edward entertains his guest."

Esme smiled brightly at my suggestion while Emmett groaned behind me.

"Mom, can't this wait a few hours? I mean, kickoff is in ten minutes and there is no way we will be done by then."

"Fine, you three stay here, I will go by myself," I said as I pulled myself up and started to follow Esme towards the staircase.

"Thank you, dear. I always know that you are willing to help out around here. Which is more than I can say for my sons," she said, raising her voice with the last comment and shooting them a pointed look before ascending the staircase.

I was halfway up the staircase before I felt a presence behind me, and a warm palm pressed against my back.

"Did you honestly think I would rather be watching football instead of helping you?" a soft velvety voice asked as I felt Edward step closer to me on the step I had stopped on as soon as he touched me.

"I figured you would want to spend time with your _date_," I snapped before I ran up the rest of the steps, stumbling as I hit the last one.

I hurried to the kitchen quickly and busied myself with filling the oversized sink with hot soapy water. If I was going to be forced into spending alone time with Edward, I at least wanted the washing as a distraction.

"Why are you running away from me?" he whispered hoarsely in my ear as he settled his hands on either side of the sink, caging me up against him.

"Why shouldn't I?"

Edward growled and pressed himself into my back as he settled his chin on my shoulder. I could feel his hot breath cascading onto my neck and squirmed against him.

"Did you not believe what I said to you? Is that it? Do you not feel it, too?"

He was being cryptic with his remarks and it was driving me insane. Why was nothing easy with him?

"Bella, I love you," he breathed into my hair, his lips running against my neck.

I inhaled sharply at his confession and felt my cheeks warm as I tried to fight what I was feeling towards him.

"Stop," I whimpered as I felt one of his hands press into my stomach.

"No, not anymore," he said hoarsely as he pulled me back into the evidence of his arousal.

"We can't do this here."

"I don't care. Let them find us."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I tried to clear my head. It was swimming with a multitude of emotions and dangerous thoughts.

"Not now, Edward. I need time, and you have Rose now, and…" I trailed off, not exactly knowing where my train of thought was going.

"Is that what this is about? You think I am _with _Rose?"

I nodded my head and he sighed loudly as he loosened his grip on my waist.

"Her fucking parents went to Europe without her. I invited her so she wasn't alone. God, you actually think I would be interested in her? When I could have you?"

I nodded and slumped against the front of the sink. I knew I had no right to feel possessive of him, but I hated the fact that I thought he traded me in for someone better.

The words he was telling me weren't really seeping into my consciousness yet.

_When I could have you?_

He was saying it like I somehow compared to Rosalie Hale, and in his eyes, _I_, was the better choice for him. He would choose me over someone who looked like a supermodel and seemed to have her life together.

Edward skimmed his nose along the base of my ear and breathed against my neck as his thumb ran circles on my hip. Being this close to him brought back all of the memories of what it was like to really be with him. All the times he made love to me when we went away together, the fire in his eyes when he took me up against the door in that bathroom.

"All I want is you," he murmured against my neck and I couldn't help but believe him. He really did love me, through all of this mess it seemed, and I still couldn't be fair to him. I wanted so badly to tell him, but I knew once I did I wouldn't ever be able to go back.

A loud noise from the butler's pantry startled us both, and Edward jumped back against the kitchen island as I gripped the front edge of the sink.

My heart was in my throat as the door swung open and Esme walked into the kitchen with a few serving pieces in her hands.

"Hello, my _good_ children," she chimed brightly. "Thank you again for clearing up."

"It's our pleasure, mother," Edward responded as he reached forward to take the dirty pieces out of her hands.

She kissed him on the cheek and turned to walk out of the kitchen again, leaving me a shaking mess as Edward put his hand on the small of my back.

"Breathe Bella," he teased as he leaned in towards me again.

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes as I turned on the water again to finish filling the sink. My heart and mind were all over the place. I wanted to be mad at him, tell him I couldn't stand playing his games anymore, but he wasn't playing games. He didn't bring Rose to make me jealous, he brought her because he was being a nice person.

The hold he seemed to have over me snapped back into place, and I was confused as to how he could just convince me to trust him again after saying a few sweet words into my ear. But I did, I trusted him, I didn't know how _not_ to trust him. Edward had always been honest with me.

Edward and I settled into a quiet routine of washing and drying, neither of us saying a word.

The tension from earlier was gone, but I wasn't any closer to sorting this whole situation out.

I _couldn't_ be with Edward, and I didn't _want_ to be with Em, but I was stuck in between them. Sure, my husband had no idea that I had carnal knowledge of his brother, but it made the situation between us awkward nonetheless.

Then there was the whole issue of whether or not Rose knew what was or was not going on with Edward and me. I would have figured that if she did know the full extent of the affair she would exploit it, but I wasn't quite sure what her game was yet.

I wasn't really with Edward anymore, nearly getting caught sealed that fate, but I wanted to be. I wanted to be in the worst way.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Edward asked after he returned from putting away the last of the serving pieces.

"How I have no control over anything anymore," I muttered gravely, staring at the dirty water swirling down the drain. Somehow, I felt like my life mirrored the dirty dishwater, swirling out of control.

"Leave him," Edward blurted out as he rung his wet towel between his hands, his knuckles turning white.

I turned towards him with a shocked look on my face. I was sure my mouth was probably hanging open at that point, but I didn't care.

Edward had never once, since this whole thing between us began, asked me to do that. He had never even asked if I wanted to, and he sure as hell didn't know that I had contacted an attorney about a divorce.

"I….I….uh," I stuttered as he stared at me. His eyes darkened as he looked at me and his posture was completely tense.

He closed the distance between us and placed a hand on my cheek as he spoke with conviction clear in his voice.

"You deserve to be happy. If not with me, then someone else. Leave him. I know you don't love him anymore."

"I can't talk about this now," I mumbled lamely, wanting to burst into tears as his face fell slightly.

Edward nodded and dropped the towel on the kitchen counter before he turned and left the room.

I cursed myself before I rinsed out the sink. I couldn't ever seem to get this right. Edward was asking me to leave my husband for him, which was what I was planning to do, but I couldn't even find the words to talk to him about it.

I was constantly disappointing and hurting him. I was so incredibly selfish when it came to Edward. He gave me everything and I couldn't even give him three little words to express how much he meant to me.

He was willing to sacrifice his future and his family for me and I couldn't even talk to him.

"God, Bella, you are so stupid," I grumbled to myself before I straightened out my sweater and walked towards the basement steps.

Emmett's boisterous laughter was trailing up the staircase as I heard him shout numerous profanities at the television. He was obviously extremely engrossed in the football game, and it didn't surprise me that Rosalie was adding to the slew of curse words, waving her arms animatedly at the big screen.

Edward was seated beside her with his head propped up on his hands looking dejected, but neither Rose nor Emmett seemed to notice as they continued to banter back and forth.

I had never seen him act like that around me. I didn't know if it was my lack of knowledge of football, or the fact that Rose was well, _Rose; _but seeing Em laughing and acting like his old self for a few minutes struck a cord in me.

He really _wasn't_ happy. I didn't know what happened to us, but it wasn't there anymore. We really were both shells of our former selves and I hated that we were like that.

It was just further proof that maybe we really did need to get a divorce; not just for my reasons, but so he could be happy too.

The car ride home was stifling and riddled with tension. Emmett had not really said more than a few sentences to me after the meal. He was eerily silent whenever he was really angry, so I knew that when we got home, there was bound to be a confrontation.

My mind was still spinning from Edward's request. _Leave him._

I wanted to, so badly, but things weren't always as easy as they appeared to be. I didn't want to be a mean and insensitive spouse, but my actions recently spoke otherwise.

If I left Emmett, who was to say I wasn't going to repeat my mistakes? I could very well end up hurting Edward much worse, and I didn't think that I could handle that. My guilt and remorse for hurting Emmett came after the fact, and they were tangled up with the feelings of resentment that I felt towards him.

I still couldn't believe that he was so openly flirtatious with Rosalie. I could expect that type of behavior to come from her, but him acting like that right in front of me, who was he kidding?

Was I missing the obvious signs of something more sinister going on with him? Long hours, mysterious phone calls, business trips out of town. Was he betraying our vows like I was? Did he have some other woman stashed away from me?

*** BD ***

By the time we hit the outskirts of the city, ten minutes from Lincoln Park, I was internally fuming. He acted like I was some piece of property or a puzzle piece that had to remain perfectly in line. I was so sick of everyone telling me what I could and couldn't do.

It was bad enough that I hadn't talked to my mother in over a year because she was disappointed in my "life choices" as she put it in our last conversation. Apparently, I was not living up to my potential and sacrificing too much for a man.

_Well guess what mom, you were right. I guess you can say I told you so._

Emmett was treating me like a possession, not a loved one, and a neglected possession at that. What self respecting twenty seven year old man goes months without sex? Sex wasn't the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, but he should at least show an inkling of being attracted to his wife.

I wasn't Rosalie Hale by any means, but give me a break, who was?

When we pulled up to the brownstone, I was out of the car before he even took the keys from the ignition, storming towards our front door.

I wanted out. I hated feeling like I was a caged animal, biding my time until I could escape.

"What the hell, Bella?" Emmett yelled as I almost slammed the front door in his face.

"What?" I asked, my voice clearly filled with disdain as I marched towards the kitchen for a glass of water.

"You know what. You haven't been acting like yourself today. First, you are rude to Edward's date, then you start drinking before we even eat, you were moody all day today, and now I find out you have a job without even talking to me about it."

"Oh, because I obviously need your permission to do that," I snapped back as I slammed my empty glass down on the counter.

"God damnit Bella. I just want you to work at a place that is worthwhile. You don't need to go work in some crappy public school. If you are really that restless than I can have my mom pull some strings. There has to be something open at the academy. Why are you doing this? Is the life I give you not enough anymore?"

I just wanted to smack him until he got it. He didn't even realize that this decision had nothing to do with him. It was about me finally doing something to make myself happy. Something independent of him to look forward to everyday.

"Em, I honestly don't know how to talk to you about this anymore. You never listen. This isn't about teaching at some 'crappy' public school. Do you even realize that some of the schools in Lincoln Park are the best in the city? They aren't some snooty prep school, but it is far from the ghetto. Why do you always think I am ungrateful when I want to do something to make me happy? Do you honestly think I _like_ sitting in this house all day, by myself, trying not to pull my hair out? I don't have anything of my own."

I blinked heavily as I realized that my cheeks were wet. I was so mentally exhausted over the whole situation that I was crying. I hated showing him how weak I was, but he was trying to take away the only way I had to gain my freedom.

"Bells," he said reaching for my hand. "I'm sorry, it's just that I don't want you to feel like you have to work. I work so hard to provide you with everything you should need."

I stepped back from him and angrily wiped at my cheeks.

"How would you have any idea what I need? You're never here."

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt a pang of guilt as Emmett's face wrinkled in frustration.

"I'm sorry that I have to go work instead of being here waiting on you Bella. I don't know what you want from me anymore. You don't want me to provide for you, you don't want my opinions on anything. What do you want Bella? Do you even know?"

"Well I know what you don't want from me," I growled as I turned away from him.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"I sure as hell know that you don't want me as anything more than a glorified roommate, Em. You haven't touched me in months. I don't even feel like your wife. Don't think I didn't notice you getting all excited about Rosalie today. You would rather flirt with some college girl who is supposed to be dating your brother than fuck your wife."

He slammed his hands down on the countertop and cursed under his breath before I felt him step away from me. I knew that we were both angry, but I meant everything I said to him, and I wasn't going to take any of it back.

Before I could even formulate anything else to say to him, Emmett grabbed me by the shoulders and turned me to face him. His eyes were dark and his chest was heaving as he pulled me into him and forced his mouth to mine.

I couldn't even breathe, he was literally crushing me to him in his anger, but all I could think about was how this felt wrong. I felt like I was cheating on Edward by kissing his brother. His brother who I was married to.

Emmett's hands moved to the back of my neck, holding me to him while he pushed his tongue into my mouth. I could feel all the frustration and anger he was feeling being forced into me and the tears came freely as I pushed against his chest.

"Stop," I sobbed against his mouth, feeling disgusted with myself.

He reluctantly let me go and ran the back of his hand across his mouth. He wouldn't even look at me as his shoulders dropped and he turned away from me.

"Fine, whatever. Go do whatever you want Bella. I'm going to go out for awhile. Don't wait up."

"Go ahead Em, run away. It's not like you would have taken my opinion seriously anyway," I muttered as he grabbed his car keys and stalked towards the front door.

The slam from the door reverberated towards the back of the house, and I realized that today had truly been a disaster.

For the first time in months, Emmett and I had actually talked about something significant and his first instinct was to run out of the house to god knows where.

I slumped against the door to the pantry and slid down to the floor, locking my arms around my knees and resting my head on them. My life was literally falling apart and I didn't know how to make sense of any of it.

My marriage was dead, my social life was nonexistent, I barely had a job, and the man that I did love couldn't be there to help me. I wanted too badly to talk to Edward, but this wasn't his mess to figure out. He had enough things to worry about without taking into account my fucked up relationship with his brother.

The tears came faster than I could will them away, and I rocked against the pantry door and cried for letting my life become what it had. I had no one else to blame.

I married the wrong man and let him tell me how to live my life. I gave up teaching to please him, I gave up my social life to please him and now I had nothing but an empty house and an even emptier heart.

In a perfect world, I could leave him now, support myself with teaching and run off somewhere with Edward and be happy, but that was never going to happen. Edward wasn't going to want me anymore once he realized how broken I had actually become.

He was kind, funny, loving, smart, and talented, if he knew what was good for him, Edward would want nothing to do with me. I held the potential to ruin his life, being with me would mean going against his family, and I knew that wasn't fair to him.

All the progress that I had made over the last few weeks seemed insignificant compared to everything that had happened today.

The events of one day seemed to throw me back to square one and I wasn't any closer to finding the answers that I needed. I didn't know how to be happy anymore and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to learn how to again.

All I knew was that if I had any reason to want to wade through all this shit and get to the other side, it was Edward. I could only hope that nothing else happened to pull us apart.


	9. Settling into Monotony

**Forgot to do this first time round, Don't own Twilight or Edward's sparkly peen, the plot though, that all belongs to me... © goldentemptress 2009-2010**

**A/N: ****There are a few things I wanted to say before you read that I want you to keep in mind as the story plays out. **

**I want you all to remember that first and foremost this story is about Bella. Yes, Edward is a major character, but she is who this journey is about. That being said, he is not going to be in every single chapter, I know that this is disappointing, but it's told in a way that you follow the main character, Bella. She does not always see/interact with Edward, so that's how it has to be. I will most likely be posting an abbreviated version of the story in EPOV, but it will only be after Bro Dev has been marked as complete. **

**Next is the HEA issue. There are a handful of people who know how this story turns out, and most of them agree that telling you whether or not there will be a HEA will **_**ruin**_** the story. So that being said, I will not respond to PMs/reviews that ask this. I promise I will try not to disappoint you with the ending that is planned, but what good would it do to tell you the end of the story in the middle of it.**

* * *

**Settling into Monotony**

My life was not my own anymore. I felt like a zombie as I waded through the aftermath of everything that had happened. For the first time in my life, I truly didn't know how anything was going to turn out. It scared me to feel that out of control, especially when I didn't see a solution to anything that was going on.

The days following our fight on Thanksgiving had been strained to say the least. Emmett had come home entirely too drunk that night, banging around the house and grumbling until he passed out in the guest bedroom. I had hidden in our locked room during his romp around the house, and was not surprised when the kitchen and living room were littered with debris the next morning.

Nothing substantial was damaged, but he had managed to rip the cover plate off of an electrical outlet, and he had broken the lamp on the entry table. I figured that the two were related, considering that the lamp had once been plugged into the mangled outlet. Emmett wasn't exactly graceful when he was intoxicated, so I knew it was more than likely an accident, or at least I hoped it was.

Emmett had never been prone to violent behavior before, but he had also never neglected me so badly. Saying that we were estranged seemed like an understatement. I didn't even know who he was anymore.

I spent the morning cleaning up the mess he left in his wake and then decided to go for a run, even though it was freezing outside. I needed to clear my head. The whole holiday had been a disaster.

My husband was mad at me, my marriage was a sham, my brother in law was in love with me and asking me to leave my husband for him, and he brought an evil harpy to a family event to torture me and put the moves on my husband. Overall, the entire thing was a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

I was no closer to making a decision about what to do with my life than I was before that fateful Thursday, and now I was embarking on an endeavor of a much more intimidating nature. I was actually going to be responsible for teaching a room full of teenagers something about the English language. _Fuck my life._

Don't get me wrong, I was excited about going back to teaching, but it had been years since I had stood in front of a classroom and I didn't want to screw this opportunity up_._

If I could manage to get back into teaching full time, I would be provided with a way out. I could support myself and get out on my own.

Divorce was no longer a distant possibility after everything that had happened; it seemed it had moved to inevitability. I just needed to be careful while I got my life back into order. I knew that meant staying away from Edward, but after his declarations, I didn't know if he would be receptive to putting things on a back burner.

We still had to make it through the rest of the holidays without another blow-up happening, and I was not looking forward to family Christmas at Casa de Cullen. There had been too many close calls in that house, and I didn't know how things would go over when we were all sleeping under the same roof.

Would Edward try to corner me again?

Would he be hostile and moody towards Emmett?

There were too many unknowns, so for the time being I just wanted to ignore the fact that in three weeks I was going to be forced to spend days with both of them in the same room.

I wanted to get into my new classroom and try to lose myself in my work. I had missed being independent and hoped that I would not fall flat on my face. I knew I could do the job in theory, but actually getting back into it after so long would be a challenge.

Steeling myself to get down to work, I pulled out my laptop and began to comb through the lesson plans that I had been provided with. It was only a few weeks until the end of the semester, but I knew it was vital that I go into the classroom fully prepared.

This job was the first step to taking back my life, and I was going to fight tooth and nail to keep it.

*** BD ***

Walking through the double doors at the front of the school, I was hit with a fresh wave of nerves. I knew that I was ready for this, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that today was a defining moment in my life. I _so_ did not want to screw things up for myself.

The hallways were packed with posters and flyers, and even though the students hadn't really started arriving yet, I could feel the energy pulsing in the atmosphere.

High schools were always such charged environments. All the hormones, drama, and activities; I had forgotten what it felt like. During my teaching experiences in college, I had been thrown into this intimidating environment, and somehow I managed to come out alive, so I knew that I was capable of doing the job. The question was whether or not I would do it well enough for them to offer me a position the next semester.

The school looked so much different than the private academy in Evanston that I had taught at all those years ago. Public schools, especially ones in a city like Chicago, were so different than what I had grown up with. Even though the demographics of this particular school were fairly atypical for an urban school, I still felt extremely anxious.

I was an upper middle class white woman from rural Washington who had no real teaching experience. I hoped that they wouldn't eat me alive on my first day. At least the prep school kids listened to me, but then again, their real teacher sat in the corner everyday making sure they did.

I honestly didn't know how Angela did her job. Her school was closer to the inner city belt, and they actually had real problems, like guns and gangs. I was nervous about interacting with middle class kids from Lincoln Park. Their biggest problems were teenage pregnancy and recreational drug use.

The main office was located in the center of the school, directly in the apex of every school department. It was made up of floor to ceiling glass walls and had a bank of offices at the back. I had been here a few times since my interview, to drop off or pick up paperwork, but today I was actually going to be welcomed into the inner sanctum of the faculty.

As I walked through the doors, the familiar face of Mrs. Cope popped up from her desk and smiled widely as I tentatively approached her.

She reminded me of my grandmother, only with a little bit more style. Her hair was a dark red wavy bob, speckled with gray and white, and she always wore a pair of tortoise shell glasses perched on the edge of her nose. If I had to guess, I figured she was somewhere around sixty, but you could never tell by looking at her. Her energy and personality made her seem much younger.

"Mrs. Cullen, it's good to see you. I was looking forward to your first day. It's not often that we get long term substitutes in here. I'm used to the revolving door of college students who temp sub, and all the annoying student teachers."

I stepped forward and placed my tote bag and brown leather messenger bag on the floor in front of her desk and handed her the folder of paperwork I had been asked to fill out prior to starting.

"Um, here…I got all of the personnel files filled out for you," I said, nervously wringing my hands in front of me after she reached forward and took the folder. "I wasn't sure which papers were needed when, so I went ahead and just filled out everything."

"Well, that's definitely a first. I'm usually harassing all the new teachers here for paperwork well into their first semester. I can see we are going to get along just fine, Mrs. Cullen." She smiled at me and pulled open a desk drawer, carefully placing the file folder into it and closing it. "I think that Mrs. Gardner is down in the English resource room if you wanted to get checked in with her before the departmental staff meetings."

"Thank you, Mrs. Cope. I really appreciate you making this transition easier for me."

"Oh, no problem, dear. Call me Shelly. I always feel old when the teachers call me Mrs. Cope when no students are around. I don't have grandkids _yet_, so I still consider myself young."

I let out a nervous laugh before nodding and picking up my things. "Then feel free to call me Bella."

"Will do."

She returned her attention to her computer as I walked back out to the main corridor and turned towards the English department. I had only been in the school half a dozen times, so I still had to count the branching hallways to make my way back to the teacher resource room in the English department.

It was basically a staff lounge with a small library collection that the English teachers used during their free periods to keep from getting bombarded with students. I guess I never realized how needy high school students were capable of being if you made yourself too available to them.

The students in Evanston were so competitive that they rarely asked for additional help outside of the normal classroom time. I guess they figured it would make them seem weak. I only had one or two students who ever asked me for help while I was there.

That whole time felt like another lifetime. I was so young, so full of expectations and hope, and now I couldn't help but feel jaded.

I was floundering in a failed marriage, I had nothing to show for myself, and I was engaging in despicable behavior. There was no way to sugar coat my life. It sucked.

Edward was the only bright spot, and even that was tainted by the knowledge that deep down I knew we could never really be together. I just wished that I could stop wanting it so badly.

A door swinging open in front of my face startled me back to reality, and I almost slammed straight into it face first before I could stop myself.

"Argh….."

A startled squeaking noise left my throat as I stumbled backwards and dropped my bag to the dingy carpet in the hallway.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry," a rich velvety voice intoned from the other side of the wooden barrier. A voice I recognized, a voice I never expected to hear on the first day that I was here.

"Edward?"

"Bel…? I mean, excuse me?"

I stepped back a few more paces as the door moved to reveal the tall lanky form of none other than Edward Cullen, dressed remarkably professionally. He was wearing a pair of dark dress pants and a crisp collared shirt, a color block tie hanging slightly crookedly from his neck.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

"Working on a project for class. One of my old classmates is a new teacher here. What are you doing in the music wing?"

"I'm….um…..apparently I'm lost."

He chuckled and extended his hand out towards me, but then promptly brought it back to his side and shoved it into his pocket when he noticed that we were not alone in the hallway.

A tall, slender woman with fire engine red hair appeared behind him in the door frame with a coy smile on her face. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't seem to place her.

"Who is your friend, Mr. Cullen?"

I mouthed _Mr. Cullen_ at him with a smirk on my face and extended my hand towards her, taking in her interesting choice in suiting. Her skirt seemed to be within centimeters of the school dress code and the cut of her jacket left the line of her cleavage startlingly prominent. I could only assume that she got lots of attention from the male population of the school.

"I'm Mrs. Cullen. I'm taking on the long term substitute position in the English department."

"Related?" she questioned as she motioned between Edward and me with a raised eyebrow.

"You could say that," Edward chuckled as he resituated his small leather portfolio in his hands. "She's married to my brother."

I could sense a slight sense of disgust as he uttered the last part. I couldn't say that I disagreed with him. I was quite disgusted at the fact that I was married to his brother most of the time, lately anyways.

"Well I hate to keep you, Mrs. Cullen. Mr. Cullen and I were just heading to a meeting." I didn't know if I was conjuring the hostility in her voice, but the raised eyebrow and sneer I could make out pretty easily. It was clear that she didn't like me, although I had no idea what she could have against me.

"Oh. No problem. I need to make my way back towards the English department as well, if I can find it, that is," I chuckled as I tried to gain my bearings.

The woman, who had yet to introduce herself, pointed behind me and smirked as she placed her folder in the center of Edward's back and guided him towards the opposite end of the hallway.

There was something about the possessive nature of the gesture that didn't sit well with me, but Edward didn't seem to be bothered. They seemed to be comfortable with each other, so I could only assume that this was the former classmate that he was talking about.

A highly irrational flare of jealousy ran through me as I turned and high-tailed it towards the English offices.

I wanted to be angry that Edward was seeking out the company of other women, but their interaction seemed nothing but professional on his side. It was the way that she looked at him that made me uncomfortable. I could tell she wanted him, I only wondered if my own behavior was that obvious to others.

Shaking my head to rid myself of unwanted thoughts, I finally made my way to the English offices and began my long day.

It seemed that although my day had started off well, the fates were out to get me.

I somehow managed to crack the toner cartridge in the English department printer and ended up with black smudges all over myself. Then I became a target of misplaced aggression from one of the other teachers, because he couldn't get his test printed in enough time for him to get back to his class on schedule.

By lunchtime, I had managed to call multiple students by the wrong name, I accidentally called the principal by their first name in front of a class full of freshman, and I had spilled coffee all over my lesson plans.

To say that it was a bad day was an understatement.

Then, to top things off, I got a call from Emmett telling me he had to go out of town again. He didn't say when he would be back, but he made it abundantly clear that he was only calling so I didn't report him as a missing person.

By the time that my free period had rolled around, I was looking forward to spending some time in the teacher's main lounge eating a snack and doing some recreational writing on my laptop.

Again, my plans were thwarted.

Digging around in my bag for my power cord, I managed to stab myself with a stray safety pin, and still couldn't find the damn thing.

"Figures," I muttered to myself as I pushed the button to power up my laptop and hoped that it was charged enough that I might be able to get some work done in the remaining thirty minutes time.

"Having issues?" a familiar voice chuckled, and I turned away from the screen in enough time to see a flash of red hair plop down in the seat next to me.

"If you only knew…"

"Bad first day?"

"I guess you could say that, but bad month would probably be a more accurate assessment."

She chuckled and extended her hand towards me. "Victoria Madisen, director of the jazz ensemble and freshman concert band."

"Bella." I shook her hand quickly and nodded, surprised that she introduced herself, because she didn't exactly seem to be fond of me during our interaction this morning.

"I realized that I didn't introduce myself when I ran, well, when Eddie ran into you in the hallway. You must have thought I was a total bitch." She whispered the last word, glancing around to make sure that the whole two other teachers in the lounge weren't listening in. With the amount of f-bombs I heard coming from my freshman creative writing class, I was surprised she even bothered.

"Oh no, you just seemed hurried this morning," I said, hoping the fact that my initial impression of her wasn't that obvious.

"I had a bad morning. My boyfriend seemed to think that my job wasn't as important as his and decided to take my car to work when his wouldn't start this morning. Luckily, I was able to carpool in with Edward. That kid is a lifesaver."

I internally did a happy dance when I realized that she had a boyfriend. That meant that she wasn't secretly trying to get into Edward's pants, at least I hoped that was the case.

_Wait….._ "Carpooling?" I asked. The way she said it sounded like it was something she did often with Edward. Why would he need to come to the high school that often?

"Oh yeah, we live in the same building. Sometimes it just makes more sense for me to ride in with him."

"He comes here often?"

"Well, not everyday, but yeah, when he's scheduled to be here we ride together." She was looking at me like I was a moron and I couldn't help but feel that I was missing something important. "Wait, did you not know that his placement was here? I mean, that shouldn't affect your job if you were concerned about the nepotism clause. He'll be somewhere else next semester."

Thoroughly confused, I opened my mouth to ask her exactly what Edward did during his time at the school, since he was here so often, but a loud piercing noise rang through the hallway and everyone jumped to attention.

"Crap, I hate these things," Victoria said, her voice rose over the siren. "I guess I will see you later."

With that, she raced out of the teacher's lounge and I was left dumbfounded.

I managed to throw my things in my bag quickly enough before I was dragged out the doors by the head of my department to stand outside in the cold November wind. Apparently fire alarms were not limited to warm weather.

While I stood outside waiting to be let back in so I could get to my last class of the day, I noticed a tall figure working his way through the crowd of students in the teacher's parking lot.

Edward tucked himself into his car without a backward glance at the school, and I found myself wondering exactly what he did when I was away from him. It was clear that there was something he wasn't telling me, but was it really my place to ask?

When I finally finished up in my classroom, after an hour of trying to figure out how to work the VCR in order to show a movie to my class the next day, it was already dark outside.

Not wanting to go home just yet to my empty house, I drove to the closest grocery store and began to aimlessly wander up and down the aisles. It seemed that everyone in the Lincoln Park area seemed to choose the same time to do their shopping, so after getting my toes run over, and cheerios thrown at me by a toddler, I had enough food to last me the rest of the week.

Waiting in line at the checkout stand was a long and boring affair, and it turned out that once I got to the cashier, I only had enough cash in my wallet to pay for a third of my groceries. Thank God for Discover Card.

I knew that Em would be angry that I had to charge groceries, but at that point I really didn't care. I just wanted to go home, change into comfortable clothes, and attempt to relax, not that it was going to be easy by any means.

After fighting traffic to get back home, and parking three blocks away because the next door neighbor took my parking space again, I wasn't even in the mood to eat anymore.

I put everything away, changed into a ratty old T-shirt, and promptly fell asleep.

A low chirping noise awoke me sometime after three in the morning. I realized that it was coming from my cell phone and blindly felt around my nightstand for the damn thing, only to knock my glass of water all over the floor.

"God dammit," I cursed as I flipped over my phone and thumbed down to my inbox.

_3 missed text messages._

**Sorry couldn't talk today, hope your first day went well. Call for girls night this weekend. Ben went with Em to Cleveland.**

Angela. I felt like such a shitty friend. I had totally been neglecting spending time with her since this whole thing with Edward had started. As far as she knew, Em and I were still blissfully happy and living the life of most yuppies. I was going to have to call her at least, especially since she remembered that I started the new job.

**Shopping for Xmas dresses on Sat w/ Rose, u have to come! I'll txt details l8r.**

Alice. Oh, clueless Alice. Somehow she was still convinced that we needed to be friends. She didn't seem to care that I was so much older than her, or that she had most likely seen me naked. And Rose, god help me, if I never saw that girl again it would be too soon. I was still pissed off about her little act at Thanksgiving.

**You made me hot for teacher today, I miss you. ~E**

Edward. I didn't even know how to respond to that. He knew that I needed time to deal with everything, but he obviously still meant what he said to me. He wasn't going to just let me go.

I was still so confused about today, though. Why was he at the school? What exactly wasn't he telling me about his life? Did it really make a difference?

If anything, it made it glaringly obvious how little about his life I really knew. He knew me better than I knew myself most of the time, but that was just it. He made everything in our relationship about me.

Indulging in my apparent selfishness, I had forgotten, or totally overlooked, the fact that Edward kept himself very guarded. He talked to me about his troubles with his family, his problems at school, but when it came to the heart of the matter, I didn't truly know who Edward was.

We had both gotten so caught up in the physical aspects of our attraction that we failed to build anything else between us. It had been months since we talked about anything substantial. How could I have been so naïve that we could have built a relationship that way?

I was moving from one damned relationship to another, and that was the last thing that I needed in order to get my life back together. Upon that realization, I felt even more justified in keeping Edward at an arms length.

It was the best course of action.

For both our sakes.

*** BD ***

"Come on Bella, _please_," Alice whined as I tried to come up with a more viable excuse as to why I couldn't come on the shopping outing with her and Satan's mistress.

"I don't need to get anything new. I've worn the same dress for the last two years. It's obviously up to Esme's standards. Please just drop it."

"Don't you want to get something to make yourself feel better? I know buying a sexy dress is worth every penny just to see the look on Jasper's face. I'm sure Emmett would appreciate it."

_Oh, I'm quite sure he wouldn't._

I had yet to talk to Emmett since his first call upon arriving at his hotel in Cleveland. That was almost 3 days ago.

I had kept myself busy all week by throwing myself into preparing my final exams. Even though all I had to do was shuffle the questions of an already existing test, I wanted to make sure that each question was worded just right.

It was really just a tedious excuse to avoid talking to Edward, and to keep myself busy enough to avoid dealing with the fact that my relationship with my husband was far beyond repair.

Months ago, before things had escalated with Edward, I hoped that somehow I could repair the rift in my marriage. Now, I knew that there was nothing I could do, it was too far gone. I still loved Em, I probably always would, but it wasn't enough anymore, I was no longer _in_ love with him. Sometimes love really wasn't enough to base a relationship on, and that was a hard truth to swallow.

It was also something that plagued my thoughts about Edward, as well. If I slowly deconstructed the pieces of my life to try to reclaim some semblance of who I was, would the love, or whatever it was, that Edward and I shared be enough to build a future?

The naïve part of me believed that, in some alternative reality, Edward and I could ride off into the sunset together and leave everyone and everything behind us. That was my subconscious giving into the part of me that also secretly believed in the magic of Christmas and Santa Claus.

Conversely, the cynical part of me believed that I was setting myself up to be alone and bitter. This part of me also passionately believed that I would take everyone I held dear down this path with me.

There seemed to be no middle ground in this, and when I came to terms with that, I knew that I had to get myself together enough to remove myself from the equation. The only question that remained was whether or not I was brave enough to do just that.

"Bellabellabella….HELLO?"

_Oh crap._

"Sorry, Alice, I got distracted by something."

Her tinkling laugh filled the earpiece and I nervously let out a chuckle with her.

"You are way too serious sometimes, Bella. I'll see you on Saturday morning on the steps in front of Water Tower Place. I know we'll be stuck shopping with all the tourists, but the stores there always have a better selection."

"Wait, what?" I mumbled as I set down my laptop and shook my head.

"I said that Rose and I will meet you on the front steps at Water Tower Place. I am not taking no for an answer. Don't make me come over to your house and drag you out. Just because you are happy with your frumpy old dress doesn't mean that I want to look at you all night in it."

I rolled my eyes and appeased Alice by accepting her not so subtle orders to get a new outfit for Esme's Christmas party.

It was an event that I really was not looking forward to this year.

Every year, the extended Cullen and Platt families, as well as family friends, gathered at the house in Evanston and celebrated an early Christmas together. Apparently, it had been tradition since the boys were little. Each individual family always had conflicts on the actual holiday, so they started celebrating it on a Saturday a few weeks before Christmas.

The past few years, Alice and Jasper had been invited by Esme, but never actually attended. Usually the university had let out by then, so they were home with their own families.

This year, god truly did hate me, and Esme had graciously extended the usual invitation, as well as one to Rosalie, who had apparently warmed her heart at the Thanksgiving from hell. I failed to understand how throwing herself at her married son and telling false stories about the younger one endeared her so much to Esme, but I guess it had something to do with the fact that she thought Edward actually had a girlfriend.

That thought alone made me want to gag. Not the fact that Edward supposedly found someone to bring home, but the fact that Esme actually thought that Rose was good enough for him. Maybe I was a little biased, but I thought his tastes were a little more refined than leggy blondes with bitch complexes. Apparently, the tastes of my husband were not.

Every time I thought about their interaction on Thanksgiving, the bantering and innuendo filled snarky comments left a bad taste in my mouth. I had never even given a second thought to Emmett's fidelity, but his behavior with Rose had me wondering if he was abiding to our vows in the way that I had.

I knew that I had no right to be jealous, or even judgmental, but if he ever ended up with someone like her, it would forever tarnish my impression of who he was as a person. It was bad enough that I knew he intended to get her an internship in his department at work, but imagining him with her made me cringe.

Knowing that dwelling on the negative thoughts that surrounded my life lately was not going to put me in any better of a mood, I picked my laptop back up and threw myself into test editing once more.

*** BD ***

The phone rang out again shortly after I had gotten off the phone with Alice, and I figured that it was her calling to nag me again. I flipped it open and said, "I already said that I would go, stop calling to harass me, Alice."

A deep chuckle alerted me to the fact that the caller was indeed male, and I blanched when I looked down at the caller ID.

"Well that's no way to greet your dear old dad," he laughed. "And I don't know who you've been talkin' to, but my name's Charlie, Bells."

"Sorry Char-Dad…" I mumbled as I brought my palm up to my face. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I've got a friend who keeps hounding me to go shopping with her and I thought that it was her calling back. I guess that's what I get for not checking the caller ID first."

He let out a low laugh, a sound that I had dearly missed since I never really got to see him that often. He was the work-a-holic married to the job type who never wanted to take his vacation days. Even when I offered to come visit him, he always turned me down, citing some reason or another. It had been almost a year since I saw him last.

"So," he began slowly, a tinge of worry in his voice. "You haven't booked those tickets for New Year's have you?"

It had honestly slipped my mind. We had vaguely talked a few months ago about me coming to visit him around New Year's but I hadn't even thought about it with everything that had been going on lately.

"Um, no. I'm sorry dad. It totally slipped my mind."

He breathed a sigh of what sounded like relief, and I was confused as to why he wouldn't want me to come visit him.

"Well, that's a good thing then. I won't be here for New Year's and wanted to give you a heads up. I was thinking maybe spring might be a good time for you to come visit. Maybe if you get that job, then you could come visit on spring break or maybe once the school year is out."

"Wait, what? Why won't you be home for New Year's, dad? Did something happen?"

He took a deep breath and said the phrase I never thought I would hear come out of Charlie Swan's mouth.

"Um, I know this is kinda awkward and all, but I met someone."

_Holy Crap…._

I didn't know whether to be excited or confused. The entire time I lived with my father, he never dated, _ever._ I honestly thought that my father would die a lonely divorcee.

"Bells?" he asked nervously. I guess I hadn't realized that I had yet to comment on his declaration.

"Wow, um….that's good. Right?"

"Real good," he laughed as he proceeded to tell me about his new girlfriend. Her name was Susan and she was a dispatcher at the station. Apparently she was a widow, her husband died overseas in combat a few years ago.

They were travelling to North Dakota for Christmas and New Year's to visit her family. I guess my dad had decided to use some of his stockpile of vacation time to go with her. He sounded happy, probably for the first time in years. He was never really discontented, but I could tell that he was lonely.

"I want you to meet her when you come see me. I should probably tell you though, she's kinda young. I didn't want you do be blindsided by it later on."

_Young? Wow, Charlie Swan was cradle robbing. _

"How young is young?" I asked, wary of what his answer might be.

"Well, she just turned thirty-five. I know it's kinda weird with her being only eight years older than you. I hope it's not a problem for you."

"As long as she makes you happy, I honestly don't care dad. As long as you aren't dating some twenty-two year old," I joked, only realizing afterwards that _I_ was practically dating a twenty-two year old. "Ten years isn't that big of a difference at your age."

"Oh, thanks, Bells. Make me feel like an old man why don't ya?" he teased.

We spent a few more minutes catching up before he told me he had to go. Probably off to go on some hot date with his new girlfriend. It still felt weird thinking that, but hey, at least he was happy.

*** BD ***

When I woke up in the morning, a Friday had never been more welcomed. I really just wanted the week to be over.

My morning classes were starting the final editing work on their term papers in various subjects, so I spent a majority of my morning pacing the library and adjacent computer lab offering advice and correcting the atrocious grammar issues that I found.

It was amazing how students who were supposedly going off to college in the fall were barely able to write at a ninth grade level. Apparently things such as compound sentences and thoughtful analysis were no longer valued when teaching students how to write essays.

This made me even more determined to get the job the following semester. It made me so angry that some of the teaching staff so callously looked the other way when students failed to apply the knowledge that we were supposed to be teaching them. No wonder students were getting kicked out of colleges nationwide; they couldn't write their papers at the level that was expected of them.

The youth of today was so busy trying to find shortcuts to a desired outcome that they neglected to realize that they might actually need those skills when they got there.

Needless to say, being in a classroom for the past few weeks had lit a spark in me that made me determined to make a difference.

It didn't matter how much of one, but I wanted to know at the end of the day that I made a difference in a student's life that would help them in the long run. I didn't want to be that English teacher that came in partway through the school year and no one remembered their name.

I honestly didn't know how I ever managed to give up teaching. Was I really so caught up in my infatuation with Emmett that I let that part of myself go without any hesitation? Maybe my mother was right. I did give up my dreams to chase a man.

Until now, I never thought that I was one of those people who totally lost themselves in someone else, but I really had. I was just glad that I noticed before it was too late.

I was twenty seven, my life was far from over, and once I came to terms with the fact that I needed to put myself first, I would make it through all of this. I just needed to get back on my own two feet before I made that jump.

It was still baffling to me how I had managed to go almost an entire week without talking to my husband. The sad thing was that, although I had isolated myself from pretty much everyone during the week, he wasn't the person that I really wanted to talk to. Not even close.

During lunch, I found myself in the teacher's lounge once again, drinking slightly bitter coffee and waiting for some inspiration on my newest writing project. My thoughts had been so erratic over the past few weeks that I had been stuck.

While I was staring at the blinking cursor, I didn't even realize that someone had sat down next to me at the small round table until a set of manicured nails latched onto the top of my screen and lowered it.

"Bella, seriously, you're working during your lunch break? I'm ashamed to even call you a colleague. Do you see anyone else in here doing actual work?" Victoria said with a flourish of her arm.

She was right. Everyone else in the teacher's lounge was definitely not absorbed in their laptops. There were two math teachers playing a card game in the corner, a group of teachers scarfing down a decidedly disgusting looking pizza at the table behind us, and several others doing things such as watching the news on a television in the corner.

"I wasn't working, I swear," I admitted as I closed the laptop and tucked it into my bag.

"Yeah, uh huh," she smirked as she pulled out a small salad and began pouring a large packet of dressing on top of it.

"Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a salad?" I asked as I watched her drown the poor container of lettuce and vegetables.

"Eh, the dressing is really my favorite part," she laughed as she stabbed a tomato with her fork.

I shook my head and pulled out my sandwich, figuring that I might as well eat before I forgot to.

"So…." she started as she looked at me expectantly. "Are you going to tell me why Edward has been acting weird all week?"

I furrowed my brow and looked at her in question. There was no way that she actually knew anything about the nature of our relationship, so why would she be asking me?

"He has been more moody than usual, and I was assuming that you might know what's wrong with him since he's your brother in law and all."

"Oh, um," I managed to get out as I tried to chew the bite that was in my mouth. "I'm not sure. I haven't really talked to him since I saw him in the hallway on Monday."

Technically, that was true. I never responded to his text message. That may have been the reason he was acting so strangely, but I honestly couldn't say. I had kind of checked out on everything. I really didn't know what was bothering him.

Yet another reason why I was convinced that I needed to step away. I was a distraction.

"Oh well, he always has been kind of a moody bastard. So are you going to the office Christmas party with Em?"

….._say what?_

"How do you even know that he has one?"

"Yeah, I figured that you might not remember me," she mused. "I guess I should tell you who my boyfriend is. James, you know, the guy who spends an ungodly amount of time with your husband."

"Oh…..oh!" I exclaimed as all of the pieces clicked into place. _That_ was why I thought she looked familiar.

At the same time a sense of dread overwhelmed me. She lived with her boyfriend….in the same building as Edward. Oh this was so not good, especially since I had been in that same building off and on over the past few months.

_Shit…_

Why didn't Edward tell me that one of Em's colleagues lived in his building? What if James had seen me there?

"I guess I hadn't really given it much thought. Probably, I mean, we go every year."

"Thank god," she sighed. "I really didn't want to sit through another one of those dreadfully boring office parties with no one to talk to."

"Yeah, Angela and I usually end up spending the evening cursing our husbands and their boring boss' wives."

"Angela is Ben's wife, right? Didn't you all go to school together or something?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I had some of my teaching observations with Angela, and she was dating Ben since freshman orientation. He kind of introduced me to Emmett."

She let out a loud laugh that caused several people to look our way. "I never would have guessed that quiet Ben was such a matchmaker."

"Quiet Ben didn't used to be so quiet. He was actually in Emmett's pledge class back in the day."

"Whoa, you mean to tell me that Ben Chaney was in a fraternity? I never would have guessed."

The rest of our break was spent with me telling her stories about Ben and Em's drunken antics in college. It felt good to talk about a time in my life where I wasn't completely jaded, but I didn't know how to get back to that.

It was scary to think that I had once been young and naïve, going to frat parties and not having any real responsibilities. In my mind, that time in my life had been so stressful, and I didn't take the time to appreciate it.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, and if I really looked back on it, it had probably been one of the most fun times in my life.

Maybe that was why I was so torn. I saw glimpses of the life I used to have in Edward. He was a link to a generational gap that I had been stuck hovering between. I wasn't quite an independent adult, because Emmett provided everything, but I wasn't quite young and careless either.

The only question was…Would I be able to bridge the gap if I broke out on my own?

*** BD ***

Saturday morning found me unbelievably grumpy and in need of caffeine badly. I wanted to call Alice and feign an illness, but I knew that the little sprite would hunt me down and make me come anyway.

Angela and I were supposed to meet for coffee this morning, and the irony of the situation was that she wanted to meet at The Bourgeois Pig. The place where it all started.

It was like wherever I went, I had to face this huge decision.

_Bone the brother in law, don't bone the brother in law…..that is the question…._

Ok, so maybe it wasn't all about 'boning' Edward as much as falling in love with him and screwing up everyone's life in the process.

I just wanted to bang my head repeatedly on a hard, rough surface.

Throwing on a pair of skinny jeans, a button up long sleeved black shirt, and my black ankle boots, I grabbed my jacket and ran out the door. I was sure that my hair was a mess, but considering I would be spending the afternoon pulling on and off dresses, I wasn't really concerned.

Angela was sitting at a table near the front window, thankfully far, far away from the couch where he had dropped the 'L' word just weeks ago.

That was another problem. Did I love him? Was that what I was feeling whenever I was around him?

"Hey," she smiled up at me as I stood next to her, absently trying to figure out what I wanted to drink.

"Hey, sorry I'm a little late. I guess with Em still gone I forget to set the alarm clock on the weekends. He's never in bed past eight."

"I know the feeling," she laughed. "Ben wakes up with the geriatrics. I don't understand how he can get up every morning at five, although it would explain why he goes to bed at nine-thirty. How sad is it that I actually go with him?"

"Getting old sucks," I grumbled before I divested myself of my coat and ordered my usual from the barista. I was hopelessly a creature of habit.

When I returned to my seat, Angela was ready to pounce with questions about my first week. She sounded genuinely excited for me, and I tried to be for myself. I really should be more excited about my new job, or well, more accurately, a try-out for one.

This was it, it was my chance, and I was so distracted that I hadn't even given a thought to the fact that I really could blow it for myself.

"So, why exactly should I be excited about this Christmas party?" Angela asked as she aimlessly played with her coffee stirrer.

"You shouldn't, but I have to go, too, so suck it up," I responded before I tipped my cup and downed the rest of my liquid salvation. "Oh, but we have a new friend to get drunk with this year."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. Apparently, James has a wonderful girlfriend he has been hiding from us. She went to school with Edward."

"Victoria?" Angela asked with a smirk on her face.

"How did you….?"

"I met her at the last office party, you know, the one you got out of by faking food poisoning."

"Oh, yeah," I smiled sheepishly. "Well, anything that Em cooks probably could cause food poisoning."

We both laughed at that and began revisiting the memories of horrible office get-togethers past.

For about an hour I forgot how terrible my view of my husband had become. We used to have fun. I used to love going out with Emmett places; he was the life of the party, constantly happy, and now that was gone.

This rift was as much about him being unhappy with his life as me being unhappy with mine.

Em never smiled anymore, and he was constantly traveling in order to keep himself on the radar of his supervisors at work. Everything was about the next project, or the next position, or the next raise. He had totally forgotten how to live in the now.

Maybe that was why I had become so enthralled with Edward. He didn't know how to live in the future; he was always in the now. I was clinging to him in order to try to decipher some problem with myself, but was that fair to him? Did I really love him, or just the idea of him?

Somehow, I managed to con Angela into going dress shopping with Alice and the she-beast, so at the specified time, the two of us were standing directly in front of the steps of Water Tower Place, freezing our asses off in the early December cold.

It had yet to snow, but there may as well have been a foot on the ground with how the bitter cold cut through our clothes.

"Are you sure we can't wait inside?" Angela sighed as I checked the time on my phone, yet again.

"No, she'll be here. She wouldn't have hounded me all week if she wasn't coming."

Just as we were beginning to give up hope, a tiny figure cutting through the thralls of holiday shoppers caught my eye. Following closely behind at a much slower pace was a scowling Rosalie, and somehow I doubted that she was quite as excited as her roommate to be meeting me.

"Bella!" Alice squealed as she came up in front of where we were waiting.

"Hi, Alice."

"So," she said rubbing her gloved hands together. "Are you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Alice – Angela, Angela – Alice," I said pointing between them. "Em and Angela's husband, Ben, work together. We all went to school together."

Alice energetically shook Angela's hand and then hooked her arm into my elbow and dragged me towards the stairs.

Angela and Rosalie followed behind us as Alice navigated through the doors and towards my impending doom. I hated trying on clothes more than shopping itself. I honestly didn't see the point. You find something you like, you pay for it, and you leave.

Apparently, I missed the memo on the day they informed you that shopping for clothing was fun.

Two hours and no caffeine later, I was sitting on a leather bench in the fitting room of Ann Taylor with my hands clasped together as I waited for Alice to finish torturing me.

She had been dragging me into store after store, some that were tailored to people much younger and more stylish than I. After deciding that I could not pull off fad fashion, she dragged me into Ann Taylor and told me that I needed a classic look. Too bad that this 'classic look' involved buying a dress that cost almost $250. Not that I couldn't afford it, but I didn't see the point.

"Bells?" I could hear through the door accompanied by a small knock.

I got up and let Angela in quickly, hoping that if I stayed in the fitting room I could avoid hurricane Alice. "Hurry, before she sees you."

She let out a small laugh. "Oh, stop it. She's actually pretty nice."

"I hope you aren't talking about Rose," I scoffed.

"Oh god, no," Angela grimaced. "That girl is an ice princess."

"I think of her more as Satan's daughter," I whispered. "It explains the permanent tan. I wonder where she hides the horns."

"Maybe under all that hair," Angela giggled.

"Did you find something?" I asked as I noticed the garment bag draped over her arm.

"Yeah, I hope Ben likes it. We've both been so busy lately I feel like I'm never going to get pregnant. It's kind hard when you pass out before you can have sex."

"You what? Already?"

"What do you mean already, Bells? We are twenty-seven. I've been married for almost five years. Do you want to be the oldest mom at preschool?"

"I honestly hadn't given it much thought," I said quietly. I hadn't. The last thing I needed right now was a child to complicate things. You don't exactly want to bring a child into a situation as complicated as mine had become. "But that's great for you two, you would make amazing parents."

As she started talking about how much she was looking forward to finally being pregnant, I drifted off with thoughts of my own. I envisioned a tiny little girl with dark hair like mine and the clearest green eyes, maybe a little curl to her hair and a set of dimples. The only problem was that I couldn't exactly say who the father was. Maybe her hair had a little bit of red tint, I couldn't be sure.

Did I really want a child right now? Not really….. eventually….. someday. That would never happen, though. I was leaving Emmett and Edward wouldn't want a child at twenty-two. Was that another dream that I had inadvertently given up by waiting too long to figure my life out?

A loud knock brought me out of my semi-toxic thoughts and back to the task at hand.

"I found it Bel-la," Alice sang as a turquoise blue swath of silk appeared over the door.

I had to admit, at first sight, the color was amazing. It was a dusty, soft turquoise blue. Maybe Alice really did know what she was doing.

Angela stood up and grabbed it from the top of the door and handed it to me before she slid out the door. I don't know why she bothered, its not like we hadn't seen each other in various states of undress getting ready for parties in college.

Taking in a deep breath, I slowly undressed and slipped it on, grimacing at the fact that I probably would have to wear some sort of strapless undergarment in order to keep from appearing "cold" the entire evening.

As I turned towards the full length mirror on the opposite wall, I could finally see why Alice thought that this dress would be perfect. It really was. She had managed to finally pick something that was my style.

It was a silk taffeta with a classic silhouette, a slight v in the front and back with thin straps that met at both shoulders. The dress was contoured to show off how small my waist was with a chiffon tie that hit right at my natural waistline.

The color wasn't something that I would have necessarily picked out for a Christmas event, but I couldn't deny that the dress made me feel pretty.

Just as I unlocked the door and stepped over the threshold, a collective gasp came from the two small women who were perched in chairs awaiting me.

"It's perfect," Alice beamed as she hopped up to circle me, tugging at my waistline to make sure that it laid right across the bust and shoulders.

Angela nodded as she smiled brightly at me, and Rose was sitting in the chair next to her, seemingly oblivious and typing away on her Blackberry. Somehow, I wasn't surprised that she neglected to give her opinion, only gracing me with an arched eyebrow once she did look up.

Although, it was Alice's next comment that threw me for a loop and made my heart stop momentarily.

"He's going to love it," she whispered as she brushed my hair over my shoulder.

"I doubt Em will even notice."

"Bella, I think we both know that isn't who I was talking about."

_Oh, shit…_

**A/N 2.0: Bet you didn't see that coming. That Alice is a sneaky one. **


	10. Getting the Ball Rolling

**Don't own Twilight, but do own a new home since the last time I updated...guess it's been awhile... **listens to crickets chirping** © goldentemptress 2009-2011**

* * *

**Getting the Ball Rolling**

When you begin doing something dishonest, the first thing that you think about is: Will I get caught?

Well I guess I got that answer when Alice whispered that Edward would love the dress into my ear in that fitting room hallway. The only real question that remained was whether or not she was going to tell someone else.

I froze as she smoothed the silky fabric down my back and straightened the fabric where its hem hit my knees.

My heartbeat was pounding in my ears as I tried to come up with ways to plausibly deny what she had figured out.

Angela had gotten up to go look through their selection of shoes while Rose eyed me suspiciously from her chair. That was the last thing that I needed, her to figure out what Alice had. Somehow I doubted that she would remain silent on the matter.

Before I had a chance to say anything, she stood up behind me and whispered something else to me.

"Don't worry, she doesn't know, and as far as I am concerned, never needs to. I'm not going to tell anyone."

"What do you want from me?" I impulsively asked her as I turned to look her in the eye.

"I don't _want_ anything. You make him happy, who am I to take that away from him? While I don't necessarily understand how this happened, it obviously did and I can't stop it."

"What the hell Alice? You choose _here_ to say something to me," I whispered angrily as I shook my head.

"Then meet me later and we can discuss _things_, like I have been trying to get you to do for weeks," she smirked as she pushed me towards the open fitting room.

"You did this on purpose?"

She nodded with a bright smile on her face and pushed me through the door opening and swung the door closed behind me.

*** BD ***

That was how I found myself sitting in a chair at The Bourgeois Pig for the second day in a row, waiting impatiently for Alice to make an appearance. I had already gone through three cups of coffee, the black stuff, not the usual sugared up concoctions I was use to.

I was sure I looked like some kind of deranged twitchy person as I sat there bouncing my legs rapidly in my seat. I couldn't help it really; I was so terrified that Alice would decide that she needed to share this information with other people.

I knew that she was a very good friend of Edward's, but she obviously had no loyalty to me.

Trust was something that I had a hard time giving freely to people that I knew, much less people that were mere acquaintances. Especially to someone who could be friends with a harpy like Rosalie. She was her best friend. That was enough to make me question her motives.

I closed my eyes and started counting backwards from one hundred after I downed the last of my cup and tried to calm myself down. She wasn't going to tell anyone, I knew I could trust her, but I had this unbearable knot in the pit of my stomach. This hit too close to home.

I might have been able to deal with people who I didn't know figuring it out….but if people who knew us were putting the pieces together, it was only a matter of time until we got caught. It wasn't an _if_ anymore, it was a when. The when part terrified me more than I wanted to admit.

_Breathe Bella, Breathe…._

My skin felt like it was electrocuted as a small hand clasped my shoulder and I practically jumped out of my chair.

"Holy crap, Bella, how much of this stuff have you inhaled this morning?" Alice asked as she peered into my empty coffee cup.

"Um…." I stammered as I tried to get my legs to stop bouncing.

She didn't even wait for a coherent response as she pried the mug from my hands and set it on the far corner of the table before sitting down. "Alright, no more of this stuff. I think you might have been better off just giving yourself an IV of caffeine."

I looked up and smiled warily as I gnawed on my lower lip, feeling the skin give way slightly. I was bound to make myself bleed if I put any more pressure on it.

"So…." I led as I waited for her to reveal why she really asked me here.

"Ok, fine. I see that you aren't going to wait for me to get anything, so I will just say this to appease you." She settled into the chair across from me and looked me straight in the eye. "I can't say that I know you all that well, but I know that you are not the type of person to do something like this on a regular basis, and given the fact that you caffeinated yourself to the point of tremors I can take it that I make you a little nervous."

I nodded as she took a breath and then continued.

"Edward was one of the first people I met when I moved to Chicago. I didn't know anyone. I mean, why would anyone I knew in Alabama have moved to Chicago to go to DePaul?" she asked rhetorically. "Anyways. Edward was in my freshman lit class, and he was this painfully shy, really dorky kid who always seemed to be tapping out a beat on his desk. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's nice to look at, but the boy has some major geek tendencies."

I smiled at her and let out a laugh at her assessment of younger Edward, he always was a bit of a dork, even after he grew into his looks. I honestly would be scared if he figured out exactly how attractive women find him, it would be dangerous to his ego.

"So I took him under my wing, and decided that we were going to enjoy college. I came to drag him out of his dorm room one night and guess who I stumbled upon. Little did I know that the dweeb in my lit class was living with my soul mate."

She paused and reached across the table to grab one of my hands.

"So you see, I can't begrudge you what you two have obviously found in each other, because I owe him everything. I have never seen him act like this before. I knew he was dating someone, but I never would have guessed she would have been….you know, _with _someone," she whispered the last part as she leaned towards me. I could see her hesitation to saying that I was married.

I sat back in my chair and pulled my hands into my lap, idly tugging on the bottom hem of my shirt. Alice sat expectantly as she waited for me to formulate some sort of response to everything.

"How?" I didn't really need to say anything else, she knew what I was asking.

"Honestly?" she asked. I nodded and then bit my lip. "The mask, I saw it on the counter. I mean, I was fairly distracted by the fact that I got a full ass shot of Edward, but I still saw it. You pretty much confirmed it when you disappeared from the party without a trace. He refused to tell me why you left."

"Does anyone else…..?" I trailed off suddenly, not knowing how to phrase it.

"Rose knows he has always had a little bit of a crush on you, but she is too self-absorbed to really pay attention. She told me how she acted at Thanksgiving. I can't believe how childish she is sometimes, playing people off each other for a reaction."

"Are you going to tell Jasper?" I asked, knowing that the possibility of him knowing something was great. Edward didn't have a lot of people he confided in, Jasper was one of the few.

"I haven't, but he knows something is going on with Edward that he is being secretive about. He's worried about him. Especially since you stopped talking to him. Edward has been even more of a girl than normal lately."

I laughed at her frankness. I liked Alice. She came off as a bit of a flighty mess when you had limited interactions with her, but she was kind of a spitfire. I admired that in her. She wasn't the type to sit back and let people dictate her life or walk on her. I only wished I possessed even a fraction of those qualities.

"So I'm assuming that you wanted me to meet you for a reason besides the obvious?" I asked, relaxing my shoulders minutely.

She pursed her lips and slapped her hand on the table, standing up out of her chair. "I need a fix," she nodded towards the bored looking barista behind the counter. "You want anything? I need some sugar before we talk more."

I shook my head and absently drummed my fingers on the rough denim of my jeans as I waited for her to return.

Once she settled back into her seat she took a long draw of the milky brown liquid in her mug and sighed.

"I'll just come out and say it. I like you. I think you are a nice person, regardless of the circumstances and I want to be your friend." She looked contemplative as she picked at the small muffin on the table next to her mug. "Rose isn't exactly someone I necessarily saw myself being friends with. She has her moments where she is capable of not acting like a total bitch, but lately they seem few and far between. I love her like a sister, but she's not being a good friend to me. I know that you are kinda isolated, and figured that maybe you needed me as much as I need someone like you."

She shrugged her shoulders as I absorbed what she was saying. She was lonely. I never would have guessed that someone like Alice would be wanting in the friends department. I was use to not having a lot of friends. I was kind of a loner growing up, and my friends in college were Angela, or friends of Emmett's.

Everyone except for Ange had kind of disappeared as we graduated. I only ever maybe emailed some of my former classmates once a year or so. There were a few I kept in contact with that were from back west.

"So you just want to be my friend?" I asked as I analyzed her face.

She nodded and smiled as she popped her last bite into her mouth.

"Alright Bella, now that we are friends….we really need to come to some sort of understanding about this shopping aversion you seem to have…"

That's how my strange friendship with Alice Brandon came about.

*** BD ***

Emmett came home from Cleveland the next Tuesday. I wasn't prepared for his behavior once he returned.

"Hey," he beamed as he opened the front door and came over to where I was seated on the couch, going over the essays I had just gotten back from my students for grading. He walked over and kissed me on the cheek and ruffled my hair.

"Um, hi?"

Apparently the silent treatment was gone. I didn't know what happened to my grumpy, disgruntled husband, and it made me a little nervous to see a glimpse of what he once had been.

"So," he started as he threw his briefcase up onto the kitchen counter and opened the refrigerator. "What do you say we go out somewhere tonight?"

He came back into the living room as I set the essays on the coffee table and took off my glasses. I watched as he tipped back the bottle of beer, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed. He looked…_different._ His face wasn't as sallow as it had been, and his eyes seemed to be brighter. They lacked that glossed over look I had become accustomed to.

"Alright?" It came out more like a question than an answer. "Did you have something in mind?"

"I dunno, I'll figure it out. Why don't you go upstairs and change while I figure it out," he said motioning to my sweats with his bottle. "Unless you want to go out like that."

Normally, well at least lately, his tone would have been biting with a statement like that, but he seemed to be trying to be playful. Something must have happened with work. He didn't appear to be as stressed out as I had gotten use to him being.

As I threw on a pair of skinny jeans and a black cowl necked sweater, I tried not to be completely thrown off by his attitude. He had barely spoken two words to me in as many weeks, and now he was wanting to go out in public and actually do something…like normal people.

_I wonder if Emmett got replaced by a pod-person…_

Walking back towards the living room, I didn't have to imagine why I got a stinging sensation of guilt. I always felt like I was betraying one brother for the other. Emmett was the one I was _supposed_ to love, but Edward was the one that I _wanted _to.

The whole thing was seriously making me want to just curl up in a ball and hide. I knew that it was completely of my own doing, but it still hurt my heart.

This was going to be especially hard if Emmett was going to revert back to the man I use to know.

_Does it make me a horrible person to hope this attitude change is a fluke?_

I wanted an excuse to disdain him. His behavior made it easier for me to justify my actions, and that realization made me feel horrible about myself. I was a monster. No, even worse, I was an adulterer.

Hesitating before I stepped into his sight, I swiped at the tear that had formed on my cheek and walked back into the living room. He was sitting in the arm chair next to the fireplace, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, seeming to stare into his beer bottle.

The look on his face was one of intense concentration. The jovial glimpse of the _real_ Emmett was gone. Somehow I knew that he couldn't just flip a switch and change overnight. The change to get to this place in our lives was gradual over several years, and if he was going to get back to himself, it was probably going to take even longer than that. That made me sadder than I wanted to admit, he had lost himself just as much as I had lost myself. What a sad pair we made.

"You ready?" he asked as he put his beer down on the coffee table and smiled at me.

I nodded and followed him out the door to his Jeep. It had been awhile since I spent time in a car with him, reminding me of the tension that was there the last few times we were together. First, him bailing on the Halloween party, and then the crushing anxiety I felt coming home from Thanksgiving.

Thinking about those times were the only way that I was able to keep myself grounded in the fact that my getting away from him was the only way to keep from completely losing touch with myself.

If I was a good wife, I would have suggested counseling, but I obviously wasn't. I wasn't the person I thought I was, and to be completely honest, that frightened me. No one wants to be a bad person.

Emmett drove out of the neighborhood and started going south towards the city. I had no idea where he was going, but I usually approved of his taste in restaurants.

When he pulled up in front of Carmine's I knew that he must have had something good happen at work. It was the place he always took me to celebrate things. He loved Italian food, and this was the place to go near our neighborhood.

He opted to find a parking spot on the street, and I pulled my coat tightly around myself before I stepped out into the crisp night air. Even though I had been here for years, I still could never get use to the biting cold, and the fact that the lake was only a few blocks away made it even worse.

When we stepped inside, I was surprised that there were only a few patrons in the foyer waiting to be seated. It was usually busy, and I wondered what Emmett was thinking not having put in a reservation. It wasn't the most expensive restaurant, but it was usually crowded, at least it was a weeknight.

The hostess smiled at him as he stepped up towards her and used his charming dimpled smile. I had seen him in action many times when he was trying to get something from someone, and it was a sight to behold.

"You wouldn't happen to have a table for two available shortly, would you?" he asked as he leaned towards her.

The poor girl looked like she was going to swoon any moment, I really wished that he wouldn't use his coercion skills on teenagers, but she nodded and looked down to the podium in front of her while mumbling incoherently under her breath.

"Well, we don't have a table available for a little while, but you are welcome to sit at the bar until something opens up." She blushed and looked down as she talked to him. It was hard to believe that five years ago I had reacted much the same way around him.

"Alright, that sounds good, could you please mark it down for Cullen when something does open up?"

After our name had been put in, Emmett grabbed my hand and tugged me towards the bar. He ordered vodka with lime for himself and I opted for a glass of the house red wine. I knew it would probably make me sleepy, but I only planned on having the one glass.

"So," I prompted as I took a small sip from my glass, slightly twirling the stem as I looked over towards Em.

"I guess you are wondering why I am dragging you out with me on a weeknight," he mused as he took down a third of his drink in one pull.

"Just curious."

"I was given the lead on a really important account after the Cleveland trip went so well. I just felt like going out and enjoying a good meal. I also got the go ahead on hiring a few interns in the spring, so that will help lighten the workload a little bit. I won't have to fly out as much as I have been."

"Oh," I said, pretending to be pleasantly surprised. I didn't exactly know how I felt about having him around the house more. I guess I had gotten use to him being gone frequently. I didn't even want to think about who these _interns_ might be, the image of a certain fire breathing blonde popping into my head.

"Yeah, I thought that you might be happy that I will be given a little bit more responsibility, but without all the extra hours. I know I leave you alone too much. I just want to do what's best for us."

I took another large sip of my wine, feeling the pleasant burn down my throat as I swallowed. "Yeah, that'll be nice," I said with what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

"That means that I guess you don't necessarily need to try to get the full time position next semester to keep you busy." He had turned towards the bar as he said the last part, totally avoiding eye contact with me. _Coward._

I couldn't believe him. Why couldn't he just let it go? He was so old fashioned it was startling. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that I might actually _want_ to work full time. That I might want to have my own career and do something worthwhile with my life.

"I don't do it to keep myself busy," I snapped back, lowering my voice to keep from drawing unwanted attention.

"I know, I just didn't want you to feel pressured or anything. I mean, Ben and I really talked while we were gone, and he said that him and Ange are thinking about starting a family."

I nodded, waiting for him to cut to the chase.

"And I was thinking that maybe sometime in the future that we might want to consider that."

_Holy shit…_

I shook my head and downed the rest of my glass, the base of the stem clinking against the bar top.

"I don't think I am ready for that yet," _or at all, at least not with you. _I couldn't even look in his direction.

I officially felt like an ass. He was sitting here, telling me he wanted a family with me, and I was counting the days till I was rid of the weight tied to the ring finger on my left hand. I needed to say something to him, to get him to understand that our problems weren't just going to disappear.

A few weeks ago we had a screaming match that involved him leaving the house to drink heavily, stumbling home the next day, and he wanted to bring a child into that kind of environment.

"I know, and I am not ready _right_ now, but I'd like to know it's still a possibility."

"I think that we need to work a little bit more on our relationship before we go jumping into parenthood," I said pointedly. I couldn't believe that he actually thought that this was a good idea.

"What are you talking about," he scoffed. "Our relationship is fine. So we fight sometimes, that's just what people do."

_That's just what people do….._

_No, Emmett._ I wanted to scream. _People do not fight all the time and treat their spouse like a possession. I have dreams too. I want things out of life too, and staying locked up at home is not one of them._

Now I realized why he brought me out in public, I couldn't really say what I wanted to here. I couldn't really tell him that I had been unhappy for years, that I had sought comfort in someone else's arms; that I was finally getting back to what I wanted, and that he wasn't a part of what I really wanted anymore.

I may not have had everything figured out, but I knew now, more than ever, that I needed to end this now, before it got any worse. Not that it wasn't already as bad as I could have ever imagined.

He continued to look at me like I was crazy for questioning the validity of our marriage until the perky teenage hostess came over to tell us that our table was ready.

We sat through dinner in almost complete silence, the only noises coming from Emmett's contented hums of pleasure as he cut into his veal. I pushed my ricotta stuff tortellini around in the sauce on my plate as I tried not to implode.

He really didn't get it. Emmett honestly thought that everything was right in the world. I couldn't believe how detached he was from me. He used to be able to tell when I was upset or unhappy. He used to do everything in his power to make sure that I was satisfied. I guess that was something he felt he no longer needed to do once he slipped the gold band onto my finger.

Despite the cold outside as we exited the restaurant, I felt like I was suffocating.

Emmett didn't really try to talk to me until we got back into our home. He followed me closely to our bedroom and grasped my elbow as I walked through the door.

I spun around and saw a look on his face that I would have killed for a few months ago. He was looking at me like he really wanted me, like I wasn't invisible to him anymore. I didn't know if this came from his need to decide he wanted a family, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't go down that road with him. I was done, it was over, I just needed to finally get off my ass and do something about it.

I yawned loudly while scratching at my hair and watched as his face fell. He knew that was pretty much my sign for 'I'm not in the mood'.

Just as I was expecting to get away with it, he stepped forward and brushed my hair over my shoulder, leaning down towards my newly exposed skin.

"I promise you won't have to do anything," he whispered as he peppered kisses along the part of my neck not covered by my sweater.

Oh boy, he really did know how to seduce a woman.

I squirmed as he neared my mouth and turned my head and yawned again. "I really need to use the bathroom."

"Alright, I'll be waiting out here," he said suggestively as he began to unbutton his shirt, pulling it from his pants.

I quickly rushed towards the en suite as I looked over my shoulder to see him peeling off his undershirt. I couldn't deny that I was still physically attracted to my husband, but I couldn't do this anymore.

I stepped through the threshold and pressed my back to the door as I reached blindly behind myself to click the lock into place.

Having sex with Emmett was the last thing that I needed. I couldn't deal with the guilt even if I still wanted to try to make my marriage work. My feelings for Edward were stronger than anything I probably ever felt for Emmett, and it wasn't fair to either of them.

For twenty minutes, I busied myself in the bathroom getting myself ready for bed. I even sat on the counter humming for another ten minutes while I waited for a moisturizing face mask to do its magic.

By the time I had exhausted every single diversion I could think of, forty minutes had gone by and I hoped that he had fallen asleep.

Peeking out the bathroom door, I sighed in relief when I realized that all of the lights were off and he was lying in the bed with his arms folded behind his head, a serene smile on his face as he snored lightly.

I quietly pulled out a pair of sleep shorts and the baggiest sweatshirt I could find, then changed and slipped under the covers slowly.

He let out a contented hum and rolled onto his side facing away from me.

My thoughts kept me awake while I listened to the quiet cadence of his breathing. I couldn't wait anymore. Tomorrow I was going back to talk to the lawyer, and I was going to have him draw up the papers to file for divorce. I was done. I couldn't live like this anymore. It wasn't fair to either of us.

*** BD ***

When I awoke on Wednesday, I wasn't surprised that Emmett was nowhere to be found, and to be completely honest, I was relieved not to have to deal with any awkward interactions. The night before was sort of an awakening of sorts, I no longer felt connected to him, at all.

He couldn't see that I was drowning at the moment, and it seemed that he never would.

I placed a quick call to the lawyer's office before I packed my bag and ran out the door with a bagel perched between my teeth.

My first final was being given on Monday, and I needed the rest of the week to get the students prepared for it. They were also busy fine tuning their term papers, and I needed to get focused enough to wade through the monotony of grading them once they were turned in next week. That was not a task I was looking forward to.

Being a teacher was by far the least glamorous job I could think of, but somehow it was all worth it when things clicked for a student and they just got it. It didn't matter what the concept was, just knowing that they connected with the course material was enough for me to feel like my job was worthwhile.

My first class of the day was restless, probably because of the moderate dusting of snow that had come sometime during the hours I was left awake in my bed thinking last night.

I couldn't deny that I wasn't all there either, so I cut them a little slack when the talking was sparse, but I hated that I had to yell at them when it started to get out of hand. The last thing I needed was to lose control of one of my classes when the end of the semester was so close. I still needed to prove myself if I had any intentions of going after this job on a more permanent basis.

Victoria tried to catch me as I was walking out the door towards my car during my planning and lunch period, but I brushed her off with placating promises to talk to her the next day.

I had a feeling that it had something to do with the office party this weekend, but I was too focused on what I was about to go do to really pay attention to her as I smiled and nodded.

My brain was on autopilot until I pulled up to the familiar nondescript brick building, the city looming on the horizon behind it.

This moment was one of those times when things just sort of stopped, held at a complete standstill, it was a defining moment. I couldn't believe that it had actually come to this, but I had been the one to initiate this. I had been the one unhappy, the one stifled, the one who was too tired to try anymore. I was the one in our marriage who had given up, so I guess it was appropriate that I would be the one doing this.

The secretary at the desk in the reception area was busy munching on a stick of celery when I walked in the doors, engrossed in something on her computer screen when I walked towards her from the bank of elevators I didn't even remember exiting, much less riding in.

She jumped a little when I approached her, but smiled and quickly chewed her last bite, waving her hand around a little bit as she did. I never understood why people did that when they were trying to finish eating enough to talk, but it seemed to be pretty common. I found it startling that I was even paying attention to that considering what was about to transpire.

"He's in his office Mrs. Cullen, I'll let him know you are headed in," she said as she pushed a button on her phone and his deep voice came through the speaker.

"Send her right back," he told her and then disconnected the call.

I walked slowly down the hallway, not really focusing on the generic artwork that seemed to adorn the walls. This office fit the cliché perfectly. It was amazing to think that lives could be affected so greatly by what happened in these nondescript walls.

I wondered how many other women took a similar walk down this hallway, about to do the exact thing that I was about to do.

I wondered if their husbands knew about it, or if they were too afraid to warn them like I was. I felt like such a coward, taking the easy way out, but I didn't know what else to do anymore.

I hated that I had become this person. I couldn't even own up to my own mistakes and talk to him. I had done this horrible thing, all because I was lonely, and I didn't even feel sorry for it.

Knocking on the door hesitantly, I flinched when he called out for me to enter. I hesitated for a moment; my hand stalled on the handle of the door before I pushed the lever down and slowly opened the door into his office.

He smiled at me as I sat down in front of him and I tried to smile back as the bile churned in my stomach.

"Mrs. Cullen, it's nice to see you on this dreary day. I assume we are meeting about what we talked about a few months ago?"

I nodded and he pulled out a folder from a desk drawer and sat it down in front of him.

"Alright then, I took the liberty of drafting out a standard notice of your request, and also began to draft the papers to file themselves," he said in an even voice, he didn't even seem too surprised to see me again. I guess in his line of work he knows who actually seems like they will follow through with something like this.

"Today, what I need from you is to know exactly what you would like to cite in your petition. Are there any assets that you want me to include, such as in inheritance or other pieces of property that you came into the marriage with? Who would you like to cite as being at fault, if any party? What are your reasons for this petition?

"I don't want you to get into personal details, just let me know the basics such as discovering infidelity, etc. Normally, I would want to know if there are any surprises from your past that would be pertinent, but we briefly spoke of that during your last visit to my office. I feel like I have a pretty accurate idea of what you want the resolution to be."

He continued talking, and I couldn't help but feel slightly nauseas when I thought about him bringing up infidelity. I couldn't tell him. I wasn't planning on telling anyone, but now that Alice knew, I didn't know if I needed to prepare for the aftermath if someone were to find out about this.

"Isabella, are you alright?" Mr. Jenks asked as he leaned towards me over the top of his desk. "You are looking a little peaked. Would you like to have a glass of water sent in?"

I cleared my throat lightly, sitting up a little straighter in my chair. "No, thank you. I'm alright, I just…..this is a little overwhelming."

He smiled sympathetically and nodded his head. "I know it can be, but these are things we need to talk about before I can have the papers finished and ready to be delivered. We need to have our ducks in a row before his lawyer eventually contacts me. If I remember correctly, you wanted to submit for a no fault divorce, and those tend to go a little quicker than circumstances that require mediation.

"I don't know what kind of timeline you wanted to go with, but with the holidays coming up, I tend to get inundated with new clients once the new year starts. I was hoping to have the final draft of the papers ready to file and have delivered sometime early January, but we need to get the ball rolling, so to speak, if we want to get these drafted before Christmas."

"Alright," I said quietly, swallowing the saliva that had pooled in my mouth before I got right into it with him. "I don't want any assets besides the small amount of savings I came into the relationship with, as well as my car and the jewelry I inherited from my grandmother. He can keep everything else. The house, the time-share, I don't want any of it."

"Okay," he said with a surprised look on his face. "Normally, I recommend to my client that they ask for all marital assets such as a house to be liquidated and split, but if that is what you want, then I can make that work. Are you sure you wouldn't want any other assets that have been accrued during the marriage? Typically, most home makers ask for a stipend of some sort if they have been unemployed for an extended period of time. Not anything outrageous, but you are entitled to half of all monies earned during the marriage if you so choose."

I shook my head and looked down to where my clammy hands were wringing the material of my skirt. "I don't want any of his money."

He cleared his throat and nodded as I looked up towards him again. He jotted a few things down in my file and then closed it, clasping his hands together on his desk as he looked at me thoughtfully.

"I think I have what I need to get the papers drawn up. I will have someone from my office contact you to come sign off on them before they are delivered to him. Let me know if you change your mind on anything, or need me to add things to your list of requested assets. Don't hesitate to contact me if things change between now and then."

I nodded and stood up slowly, waiting for him to walk around his large mahogany desk to walk me out.

This horrible numb feeling was settling into my bones as I mechanically buckled into my car and drove away. I couldn't believe that I was actually doing this.

The tears that has somehow formed in my eyes ran quietly down my cheeks as I drove back towards the school. I knew that I needed to do this, but I felt like I should have at least had the desire to save my marriage before I just discarded it.

I didn't even want to imagine Emmett's face when they delivered those papers to him a month from now. Would he be upset? Would he even care? Would he suggest going to counseling?

Avoidance had been my easiest tactic to deal with our marriage to date, as well as his. Would he just ignore it and go through the motions like I had been for years?

I was surprised that my lawyer didn't even suggest trying to go to counseling, or a trial separation. Wasn't that normally what happened? Would a judge even allow us to get divorced if we hadn't been separated for a certain amount of time? Would Emmett even try to fight this or had he been contemplating the same thing?

He said that he wanted a family with me. Was that true, or was that just what he thought everyone expected from us?

I didn't have long to contemplate the questions as I trudged up to the walk to the school, which had been scattered with salt and melting snow. Normally I would have been concerned about slipping, knowing my propensity for falling, but it didn't even register as I got to my classroom shortly before the bell rang and my last class for the day filed in.

Nothing seemed to register for the rest of the day until I climbed into bed and he settled down beside me.

Emmett leaned over and kissed my cheek as he murmured, "G'night, Bells," and rolled to face away from me. It felt like any other night, but it wasn't, not even close.

I couldn't believe that I wasn't even going to say anything to warn him, because I knew that I never would. I would just avoid having to act like anything was going on and go about my business until he received the papers out of nowhere and I finally had to face this.

There were only a handful of months left until, for all intents and purposes, I would be free, and that set a pit of dread in my stomach. I knew that this was something that needed to be done, but I felt like somehow this all could have been prevented.

Maybe if I had never said yes when Emmett asked me to go bowling with him in college, I could have been prevented all of this. I could be a totally different person now with a few strategically placed no's.

I wanted to regret this, but I somehow couldn't, knowing that he led me to Edward.

Somehow, though, I knew that it didn't really matter anyways, because I wasn't seeing how I could even see Edward after this all went down anyways.

Was he just a catalyst for all of this or were my feelings toward him genuine? I wasn't really sure anymore, I wasn't sure about anything anymore.

The rest of the week was spent in a trancelike state. I did everything that was expected of me, and went about like everything was normal.

I still avoided Edward's texts and emails, which had waned off, and hadn't seen him again at the school.

*** BD ***

Saturday afternoon I went about like a good little housewife, doing all the laundry and then got myself ready for the office party in the quiet silence of my bathroom.

Emmett was watching a game of something or other on the television in the living room, and was ignoring me as usual.

I wasn't particularly interested in going to the office Christmas party tonight, but I would get to spend time with Angela and Victoria. I had been faking it for a long time already, surely one more month wouldn't kill me.

"Em, are you actually going to get ready for this thing or did you intend on going in your athletic shorts?" I shouted from the doorway of our bedroom.

He was still watching ESPN, so I guess his attire of athletic shorts, old Northwestern T-shirt and backwards cubs hat weren't exactly unexpected. I was just starting to get irritated that we needed to leave in an hour and he smelled like stale beer and cheetos. The coffee table had at least half a dozen amber colored beer bottles scattered across it and the remnants of his snacking binge. Sometimes men were so disgusting.

"Come on Em, get your ass in the shower!"

"Fine, fine, stop your nagging woman," he bellowed as he hauled himself up from the couch and started towards our bedroom. "You know it doesn't take me that long to get ready."

I rolled my eyes as I walked towards my closet and pulled out the dress I was going to wear and traded it for my faded fleece robe. I use to have no qualms about walking around in front of my husband only wearing my underwear, but now it was just weird. The sad thing was that he used to use any excuse to get in an ass or boob grab, but he hadn't even really seemed to notice.

Eventually, only running twenty minutes late, we left the house and headed towards the hotel where his holiday party was being held. The company usually went all out for these things, fancy food, live music, prizes; basically it was an excuse to suck up to the employees that they overworked during the rest of the year.

Angela was sitting in the middle of a table of other wives when we walked in, and surprisingly enough, she didn't look three sheets to the wind like she normally did during these things. Ben tended not to drink very much, so Ang used the work parties as an excuse to live it up a little.

"Hey," I murmured giving her a little half hug as I slid into the empty seat next to her.

Em had already veered off towards the bar to continue his drinking with his partners in crime, the few guys who made up his department. Ben was leaning against the bar at his side nursing what looked to be actual alcohol.

"Hey B, took you long enough to get here," she teased tapping the face of her watch. We might have been a little late.

"I know, I know," I sighed as I signaled for a waiter who passed by with a tray of what appeared to be champagne. "Em was too wrapped up in the television to realize that he needed to get ready. You are so lucky to have a normal husband."

She snorted a little bit and gave a pointed look towards the open bar where James had joined Ben and Em. There appeared to be several shot glasses, both empty and filled, lined up in front of the trio. Ben's tie had been loosened and he seemed to be trying to explain something to his companions using rapid hand movements.

"Okay, maybe they are all cut from the same cloth. What happened to Mr. Responsible? I thought he didn't like to drink in front of his colleagues?"

"Oh, he decided that since I couldn't drink that he would take advantage of the fact that he had a sober ride home." She sighed, placing her hand across her abdomen. It seemed to be a completely natural movement, but I still caught the hidden meaning.

"Seriously?" I have squeaked with wide eyes, nodding towards her hand.

"Well I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I did spend a small fortune on pregnancy tests earlier in the week. How can something that you pee on be so expensive?"

"Oh wow," I said before I proceeded to drain my champagne flute. This definitely warranted alcohol. I couldn't even imagine. "Congrats Ang. Is he excited?"

"I think so, although he may have thrown up after he saw that first test with the giant blinking 'Pregnant' on it. He started talking about converting the office into a nursery, so I guess he couldn't be too scared about it."

Before I could form a response, I found myself being squeezed up against Angela, by a long, slightly tanned arm encased in several gold bracelets.

"Hey ladies, miss me?" Victoria trilled as she released us and managed to drag a chair from a nearby table up to us. If I wasn't mistaken, she seemed to smell heavily of vodka, and her eyes were a little glassy.

"Do a little pre-partying there Vic," I laughed as she almost slipped off the side of her chair signaling towards a waiter.

"Oh, James and I got a room, so we started in the hotel bar a few hours ago. We've both come to realize that it's just easier to stay wherever the party is rather than attempting to get home." She sounded surprisingly coherent for as much as she had probably already drank. Knowing how James behaved, I guess someone had to be the functional drunk in their relationship.

The three of us fell into an easy conversation about our upcoming holiday plans, and I found myself dreading mine, because I had no desire to interact with my In-Laws. They were all going to hate me come the new year, so I was not exactly conjuring up enthusiasm to spend large amounts of time with them. Esme was a very nice woman, but she had a fierce Momma Bear streak that I was sure to fall victim to.

After about an hour, we settled in to our assigned tables, luckily we were all at the same one, and we managed to get our mostly intoxicated significant others poured into their seats as well.

Em kept mumbling things about four horsemen, so I could only imagine how drunk he was still going to get as the alcohol absorbed into him. His face was already reddened and his eyes were unfocused. I was not looking forward to babysitting him for the rest of the night, because I was sure that once the music started he would be in rare form.

It was bad enough that his hand had started to wander under the table. I had to finally pinch him to get him to stop trying to pull up the hem of my dress. By the time that my food was gone, I was pissed off and everyone except for Angela and myself seemed to be getting louder the more they drank.

As another hour passed, some of the upper management had given out accolades to the different sales teams, and the band was finishing setting up for their first set. I was glad that they had gotten a normal cover band this year instead of something pretentious like the string quartet from a few years ago.

By the time Em dragged himself out to the dance floor, he was swaying and slurring. Victoria thought it was wildly funny, and was encouraging his behavior, which only made him get louder. My head was pounding and I just wanted to scream at his childish behavior when his tie ended up around his forehead. I mean seriously, how old was he again?

At one point he started doing some spastic break dancing moves and had watched quite enough. I pushed away from the table, where I seemed to be the only one left sitting and marched towards the bar.

One shot of Patron in, James appeared at my side, with a sinister smile and threw his arm over my shoulder. I tried to shrug him off, but he just pulled me harder into his side before breathing heavily onto my neck.

"Oh come on Belly, you used to be fun. Did that poor stuffy Edward fuck the fun out of you?"

"What the…." I shrieked as I shoved him away from me, throwing money down on the bar top and turning away.

He grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him, narrowing his eyes at me and pursing his lips. "Oh come on. You think I haven't seen you leaving his apartment. Does Em know about your little fixation with his brother?"

"He's my friend," I fumed as I tried to pry his finger from my arm.

"Oh, I'm sure he is," he laughed as he let me go and motioned towards where Em was practically falling down on the dance floor. "Might want to go take care of your _husband_, Mrs. Cullen."

Somehow Ben was sober enough to help me get a semi conscious Emmett into the passenger seat of his Jeep and we left the party, long before it was scheduled to end. I gave Angela a big hug and a promise to call so we could get together over the break.

Angry tears streamed down my face as Em snored from the passenger seat. I knew that James was only being an asshole, but it just reminded me how easy it would be for him to actually catch us. If my luck held, he probably wouldn't even remember what he had said to me by morning, but I still couldn't help the tightness that had settled into my chest at his assessment of my relationship or whatever in the hell it was with Edward.

Em was slightly awake once we got home, so he was able to stumble into the house and throw up before passing out on our bed.

*** BD ***

I was sitting on the couch with my laptop out, going over the digital copies of some of my student's papers. It was dreadfully boring, but I needed to get some work done, and sleep was evading me.

The past week had been nothing but me going over and over in my head what my life had come to. I was paralyzed with thoughts that maybe I wasn't doing this the right way. I needed to talk to Emmett, but I was terrified of the confrontation. Being a coward was apparently my first reaction in a stressful situation, so I continued to stew on the fact that he had no idea that this was coming.

A chirp from the coffee table startled me, and I looked at the clock, noticing that it was only a little after ten. We had only been home for about an hour, having to leave the party early because of Em's drunkenness. Sometimes I wondered how any of his coworkers were able to take him seriously. He was so embarrassing when he was drunk. His almost nonexistent filter dissolved, and he became even louder than he was already.

I flipped my phone open and was surprised that it was a text from Edward. He hadn't really tried to contact me since I was avoiding him. It wasn't necessarily intentional, but he didn't know that.

_**You awake?**_

**Yes, why?**

_**You alone?**_

**Yeah….Em is asleep**

_**Meet me somewhere?**_

I nervously bit my fingernails while I contemplated this. James was already suspicious. I really should stay away from him, but I wanted to see him.

**Okay…?**

_**430 N. Michigan Ave, Lower Level. Can you get there by 11?**_

**What's there?**

_**Just show up, I promise it's worth your time. Please?**_

**Alright, see you at 11**

_**K, I'll see you there, I'll be waiting inside. Come find me. Can't wait to see you ~E**_

I quietly snuck into my bedroom and pulled a pair of jeans out of my closet as Em laid snoring face first on the bed. He hadn't even bothered to change before he flopped onto the bed when we came home.

Closing the door to the bedroom, I began to pull down my sweats and dropped them on the floor while I tried to wrestle into my jeans as quietly as possible.

Emmett was still pretty drunk from the party, but he would surely wake up if I went banging around the house this late at night.

I still couldn't believe that I was actually sneaking out of the house to meet him. How stupid was I being? I just set the ball rolling on getting a divorce and I was meeting my husband's brother, who I had sex with, multiple times, somewhere in the city in the middle of the night. I was clearly stupid.

My drive into the city was eerily quiet as I worked my way through the light smattering of traffic. Not many people were thrilled with going out in the cold weather, and I was usually one of them.

For some reason, well, actually I knew the reason, I had never really ventured into the lower levels of downtown. It was seriously creepy, and I had no desire to get dragged off into a dark alley.

Finding a parking space at eleven at night was relatively simple, and even though it was like twelve dollars to park my car in an open lot, it was the closest place to park near where I was going.

I fisted my hands in the front of my coat as I kept my head down and walked onto the dimly lit street that was well below the more popular shopping destination of Michigan Avenue and was somewhat surprised when the address Edward gave me was to a tavern.

I couldn't exactly connect a place like this with Edward, but as I frowned at the strange looking goat on the front of the building and pulled open the door, I decided to keep an open mind.

The space was dimly lit, and I could hear the sound of something sizzling as I walked down the stairs. The scent of grilled meat wafted through the air along with a murmur of the patrons and a television hanging on the wall near the bar.

A few people turned around as I walked in, but they quickly returned their attention to their beers as I walked over to a table along the back wall where I recognized the familiar shock of bronze colored hair.

Edward had his back to me, but his posture was rigid, as if he was aware that I was near him. He was cradling a beer between his palms on the formica table top, staring into its depths as I stepped up to the table and put my hand on his shoulder.

"You came," he said without even looking towards me, flexing his fingers around his glass.

"Did you really think I wouldn't?" I asked as I stepped around him and sat in the seat across from him.

"I was beginning to wonder," he said as I looked down at his watch and then trained his gaze on me.

It was only ten after eleven, it's not like I was hours late, but I guess I could see how he though I was going to stand him up.

"So what's going on? Is something wrong?" As I studied his face, I noticed deep circles under his eyes, and his hair was more unruly than usual.

"No, not really. I am just tired of finals, and I missed you. I haven't really seen or talked to you in weeks, Bella."

I swallowed roughly as I reached across to touch his hand and I was saddened by the look of defeat in his eyes. "I missed you too."

He gave me a curt nod and then angled his head towards the center of the room where a large grill and semi circular countertop was set up. There were two men behind the counter that were busily grilling up burgers for the patrons that seemed to be filling up the small tavern quickly.

"Have you ever had a burger here?"

"I've never even been here," I responded as I took another look around. From the outside it looked intimidating in the dark considering its location, but the inside just looked like a small burger joint with a bar.

"You have so been missing out. Let me get you one." The smile had returned to his face.

Edward was right. The burgers at the Billy Goat Tavern were delicious. It definitely was worth sneaking out of the house to come get one, and the view wasn't bad either. Edward was inhaling the much larger version of my burger with enthusiasm, every once in a while glancing up towards me with a smile.

We ate in relative silence, but when we finished, there was a definite tension obvious between the two of us. I could see Edward's fingers flexing on the table top as he looked everywhere but at me.

"Is there something wrong?" I asked, waiting with bated breath.

"I don't know Bella, is there? Why have you been ignoring me?"

The hurt in his voice was evident, and I knew that he was right, but it still pained me to know that I was the cause of his dour mood.

"I…..um….I…." I sputtered as I tried to formulate a response. It would have been easy for me to lie and say that I had just been too busy, but we would both know that wouldn't exactly be true.

"Fine," he spat as he backed his chair up and grabbed his now empty pilsner glass. "Since you can't seem to come up with a good enough lie. I'll be over there, getting much more alcohol, while you try to figure out how to talk to me."

He got up and marched towards the bar on the other end of the tavern, taking one of the few empty seats and motioning towards the bartender.

The coward's response for me would have been to pack up my things and just go home, but I could tell that I had really hurt him. That's all I seemed to be doing lately, hurting everyone around me.

I wasn't exactly keen on causing a scene in a bar in front of strangers, so marching over to Edward, who was now surrounded by other patrons would have been too difficult to stomach.

With my cell phone clutched in my hand, I typed out a response.

**I'm sorry. I have no excuse, I'm so sorry.**

_**For what?**_

I guess that was a good question. What was I sorry for? Was I sorry that I ever let him start whatever this was between us, or was I sorry that I was acting like a spoiled brat, too afraid to let go of everything I had know up until now to take a chance on something that could be life changing.

**Too many things….but mostly that I hurt you.**

_**I'm sorry too…..**_

Before I could even look up, he was in the seat beside me, with a sheepish look on his face, his warm palm resting on my denim covered thigh. I tried to beat down the feelings of lust that his touch was sparking in me, but I was failing miserably.

"I don't mean to sound like a petulant child, but I don't think I can be away from you for that long again. It's killing me." His lips brushed the shell of my ear as he whispered in my ear, and I visibly shuddered as his warm breath hit the exposed skin of my neck.

I nodded in agreement as I tried to find my voice, it cracking slightly as I responded to him.

"I'm sorry, I needed some distance from you to get some things taken care of. You are much too distracting for your own good."

"What kind of things?" He asked lowly, turning himself in his seat to look at me.

"I…" _god this was hard_ "I um…I….met with a lawyer." The last part came out in a strangled whisper, it was still hard for me to really acknowledge that I was going down this path in my life.

Edward gave me a mildly confused look and then his eyes brightened considerably as he leaned his forehead against mine.

"Was this for what I think it is for? Are you really going to leave him?" I couldn't tell if I should be pleased or disgusted by the amount of hope that I heard in his voice. This signaled the end of my marriage and it seemed to excite him.

Involuntarily, tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as I nodded, looking down to avoid eye contact with him. I was so overwhelmed by this whole situation, and I felt like I was being tugged all over the place.

"Hey," he said quietly as he reach a finger up to wipe away a stray tear. "It'll get better. I will always be here for you."

His voice was kind and soft as he slowly brought his hands up to frame my face. We were so close, all he would have to do would be to lean forward slightly and our lips would be touching. My heart was practically pounding out of my chest as we were locked in this embrace. I didn't even realized how inappropriate it would be viewed if anyone we knew was in here.

A loud noise from the door startled me and I pulled my head back, his hands falling to his lap as I reared away from him.

He looked hurt for a minute before realization seemed to hit him, and he grabbed my coat from the back of my chair as he stood up. "Come on, let's get out of here."

Edward helped me into my coat, his large hands running down the arms after I was secured before he reached for his own and quickly pulled it on.

I donned my scarf and hat, watching as Edward smiled brightly at me, putting on his own knit cap.

"Don't you have a scarf or gloves?" I asked him as she shoved his hands into his the pockets of his leather jacket.

He shook his head as he laughed lightly. "No mom, they're in my car."

"Whatever, don't come to me when you are freezing and whining like a little girl." I scoffed as he led me towards the stairs and out onto the sidewalk.

"How did you get here?" he asked as the looked both directions up and down the sidewalk, rocking back on his heels.

"Drove, why? How did you get here?"

"Train. Would you mind giving me a ride back to my apartment?"

"Nope, I'm just going to abandon you here late at night," I snipped as I turned towards the direction of the lot that my car was parked in and started walking.

I could hear his loud laugh as he jogged to catch up with me and snaked his arms around my waist to pull me back into his chest once he reached me.

"What are you doing?" I hissed as he nuzzled his now cold nose into the side of my neck.

"I don't know B, what am I doing?"

I wasn't sure if I should be happy about his playful side being back or annoyed; his mood swings this evening were throwing me for a loop.

"We can't do this here." I whined as I tried to pry his hands from my sides.

"Oh come on, it's not like anyone we know is down here."

"I'm serious Edward, stop. This can't happen anymore until things are settled. I can't let us fall back into this. I was serious when I said that the affair needed to stop. My friendship is the only thing that I can offer you right now. I can't give you anymore that that right now."

"Alright," he said as he released me and fell into step beside me as I moved towards the parking lot entrance, my feet sliding slightly on the icy sidewalk. "I can be patient. If all you want from me is friendship, I can handle that for now."

We got to the car and both slid inside, me turning on the car and cranking up the heat while he plugged in his iPod.

He was quiet for a moment until he pressed play and then turned towards me before I had a chance to put my hand on the gear shift.

"I will wait for now, but as soon as this is all over with, I'm done being patient Bella. I won't stay away anymore. I can't."

He leaned over the center console and placed on of his large freezing cold hands on the side of my face and closed in quickly as he pressed his lips to mine. He languidly moved them together before he tilted his head and lightly pressed his tongue against my lower lip.

Opening my mouth to him was instinctual, and the kiss became more passionate as his hand wove into my hair and pulled the hat from my head.

Just as I thought I was going to pass out from the lack of air, he slowly pulled away and kissed me firmly on the lips once more before he settled back into his seat.

"What was that?" I asked, my voice involuntarily breathy.

"That is what you have to look forward to once this whole situation is resolved. You better get used to it, because once you are mine, I don't intend to stop."

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, I am an epic fail at updating. RL has been crazy, and I wanted to delay posting anything until I had several chapters written so there wouldn't be months and months between updates again. Not sure when the next update will be, but I promise that it won't be a year before another update.**

**A few notes...I am obviously not a lawyer, much less one that knows anything about divorce...I took creative license with that, so please excuse any errors. Also, The Billy Goat Tavern is real, and is in a creepy part of lower Michigan Ave, but if you are ever in the O'Hare Airport food court, stop by their store there...so goood, and oh so bad for you...**

**Here is something that I feel I need to address here, rather than sending out PMs whenever I receive requests. I do not feel comfortable giving rights for anyone to translate any of my stories. I will not ever be giving permission to do this, it is just a personal choice I have made. Any requests to translate Brotherly Devotion to any language will be denied, so please don't be offended if I don't respond when you send me a request.**

**Thanks to my trio of pre-readers...I'm surprised you all even still remember that this story exists... :D**


	11. Oh Come, All Ye unFaithful

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do now own lots of tiny pink beach toys and accessories...I think Baby P's suitcase for vacation in a few weeks might be larger than mine...**

**Don't need your tissues quite yet, still a few chapters out from the big climax (hehe) but we're moving along through the holidays now...**

* * *

**Oh Come, All Ye (un)Faithful**

As a child, Christmas was always a time when I naively anticipated the arrival of the presents I thought would make my young life complete. Little did I know, even twenty some years later, I was waiting for Santa to bring me happiness. I was beginning to think that maybe he forgot about me.

Sitting in the back corner of the family library on Christmas Eve, curled up in an old leather arm chair, I was doing what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I was hiding. I couldn't take it anymore.

Emmett had taken some time off of work in order to be able to travel up to Evanston and stay in the family house for the extended weekend. He had dragged me up here immediately after I got home from school on Wednesday, the last day that school was in session for the fall term.

I had been exhausted and cranky, but apparently that didn't matter because Em hovered over me while I tried to pack what I would need until Sunday night into my suitcase. It wasn't enough to just drive up to the house every day to spend the holidays with the Cullen's, we had to sleep in Em's ridiculously tiny full sized bed with a mattress that I equated to a brick and _bond_ with the family for four whole freaking days.

At least I had talked him into letting me retreat back home from Sunday evening until the next Thursday, when the New Year's Eve party was being held.

Between being exhausted physically from staying up till all hours of the night grading papers and writing tests, and being mentally exhausted by the guilt that was slowly eating away at me from still not having the courage to tell Em about the divorce papers, I was wiped. It was truly a miracle that I didn't spend half my days bursting into spontaneous tears.

The holidays this year were turning into something that I hated versus something that I looked forward to as in years past. I could remember many happy Christmases spent in the kitchen downstairs with Esme, entrenched in flour making a large assortment of baked goods. This year I just couldn't seem to fake it anymore and I spent a majority of my time trying to avoid talking to any of the people that were currently in the house.

I guess it all started the evening of their Christmas party. Everything just all came to a head that night, and I had been feeling guilty ever since. If my in-laws really knew about my intentions with their youngest son and my betrayal of their oldest simultaneously, I bet that they wouldn't be so welcoming.

Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet when we were all forced into the same room, and Emmett was still questioning why his new intern seemed to now despise me.

It was bad enough that Rose almost outed Edward and I with her drunken ramblings, but I actually had to go and make it worse by fueling the fire and confronting her drunken ass. To say that I hated Rosalie Hale would be a gross understatement. That bitch was working on my last nerve.

_Emmett was uncharacteristically quiet on the drive up to Evanston, constantly cracking his knuckles as he flexed his fingers over the steering wheel of the jeep. He was hiding something, I could tell, but I didn't know if I should even care what it was at this point._

"_So….." he said out of the blue as he glanced in my direction out of his peripheral vision. "I may have invited a few coworkers to the party, just so you know. I mean, they didn't really have any plans this weekend, and I wanted to use the opportunity to do a little networking with some of Dad's friends that are on the hospital board. _

_They have been trying to block the drug reps from doing random cold calls again, and I really need to sweet talk the old bastards into letting our sales teams get the new samples distributed for the drug that just came out of trials this past week. I know you probably don't care, but I really need this campaign to go off well in order to make bonus this quarter."_

"_Um, ok," I responded dumbly as I wondered why he even thought it would bother me that he invited his work buddies to hit up the old cronies for some drug sample distribution._

"_Great, cause I know that you and Rose don't really get along sometimes, and I didn't want you to be weird about her being there."_

Wait, what? _"Rose Hale?" I couldn't even try to keep the disdain out of my voice; I was already irritated enough with her as it was. She was rude to me for no reason whenever I came anywhere near her._

"_Yeah, I mean, she is my new intern and she is going to be a liaison with the sales team. As her mentor, it's my responsibility to make sure that she is included in all of the aspects of my job, even the ones that may not exactly be in the training manual."_

"_You do realize that this is supposed to be a family party, right?"_

"_Um, well…..yeah, but I figured since she is friends or whatever with Eddie that mom really wouldn't care. She seemed to really like Rose at Thanksgiving."_

That had just made my day when I found out that she was going to be at the family holiday party. She hadn't already intentionally set me up at the last family get together to make an ass out of myself over the whole substitute teaching debacle.

The words began to blur on the page as I felt the familiar pangs of annoyance working their way through my system. It seemed like she had made it her new mission in life to taunt me. Every comment she made that night towards me was loaded. I could tell that she didn't actually know anything, but that didn't mean that she wasn't going to run her mouth anyways.

"_Oh Bella, it's so great to see you again. I know that we've all missed having you around. Especially Edward here," she said pushing her bony elbow into his side. She towered over me in her heels, trying to look intimidating as she wiggled her eyebrows between the two of us, but I wasn't taking the bait._

"_Having you around where?" Em asked, clearly confused as to where Rose was seeing me on such a regular basis._

"_Here and there," she shrugged giving Edward a pointed look. "She usually comes around once or twice when you're out of town."_

_Emmett looked at me curiously before looking towards Edward. "Well I guess it's good that you have friends, even if it is a little weird that you hang out with my little brother."_

"_Oh she has _friends_ alright," Rosalie laughed as Edward grabbed onto her elbow and began to steer her away from us. _

"_I think someone has had enough champagne for a while. I'm going to go get some food into her." He shot me an apologetic look as Emmett laughed, no doubt thinking some horrible perverted joke._

"_Go Eddie, you'll get something _into _her little bro!" He was such an idiot sometimes. His attempt at innuendo wasn't even really that funny. _

_Edward feigned a laugh as he dragged her towards the kitchen, pushing her in front of him while she laughed and tried to grab at his side. "Oh come on Edward, quit acting like such an old man. I'm just trying to have a little bit of fun."_

_I could hear him growl something at her as he shoved her through the door to the kitchen and waited for the questions from Emmett._

_Surprisingly, his slightly intoxicated brain seemed to be scattered, because he just shrugged as he nodded towards where Carlisle seemed to be entertaining a large group of gray haired older men. _

"_I'm gonna go kiss some old dude ass," he chuckled as he ran his hand up my arm to my shoulder, leaning in to give me a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be back in a little bit. You can keep yourself entertained, right?"_

_I nodded as he walked off and sighed heavily as I escaped towards the den, hoping that it wasn't filled with people, so I could get some quiet._

I had managed to hide for quite a while in the den, studying the various family portraits on the walls that I had seen countless times before. It was no surprise that Edward found me in there by myself, but I still couldn't believe that he would risk trying to get me alone in a house full of people.

_The lock clicking on the door across the room startled me as I swung my head towards the door, my hand held over where my heart was trying to leap out of my chest._

_His green eyes twinkled in the dim light casting across his face from the table lamp near the door. _

"_Are you alright?" he sighed as he reached up to scratch the back of his neck, running his hand up over the top of his head afterwards. "I mean I know she can be a bitch, but she doesn't need to say stupid things in front of Em like that. I swear that she doesn't know anything, but she seems to have latched onto the fact that I'm attached to you."_

"_She's fine. She's just a bitchy drunk. I get it," I said turning away from him. I walked over to the large French doors that led to a small deck that overlooked the backyard._

"_I'm serious Bella; I'll make her leave if she's bothering you. I didn't even want her to come here. She just wouldn't listen to me when I told her not to come since my moron brother invited her. Sometimes I wish her parents weren't such assholes just so I could get her away during breaks. She always seems to seek me out when she wants someone to talk to. I don't even remember agreeing to be her friend." He shook his head, pinching his eyes closed for a moment and then staring straight at me when he blinked them open._

_I shrugged and nodded, not exactly sure how to respond to that. I knew that she kind of gravitated towards Edward, but I figured that was because they _were_ friends. Maybe it was never that at all. Their roommates just happened to be dating, that didn't mean that he made a conscious choice to be her friend._

"_Maybe she likes you," I mused. Then it clicked. Why she was so mean to me. Why the mighty Rosalie Hale acted like she was threatened by me. _

_She wanted Edward. _

_My eyes widened and he shook his head with a look of horror gracing his features. He made a shuddering motion and twisted up his lips. "Oh god, I should hope not." But there was something there; some realization in the statement._

_I was going to have to be more careful around him in front of her. We had been neglecting to account for the fact that she was watching him more closely because of her interest. She had probably been picking up on the tension between us for months. _

"_Ugh, we are so stupid," I muttered as I turned away from him. _

_We were so careless, first the comment from James at the work party, now Rose's snide comments tonight. It was so obvious to people who were looking for it. The shared smiles across the room, the way we seemed to orbit each other unconsciously. To anyone else it would appear that we were close friends, but to them, we might as well have made out on the rug in the middle of the room and it would have been less obvious._

"_Hey," his hand skimmed along my shoulder as he stepped behind me. His fingers were distracting as they traced the back of my arm and tangled with my own at my side. "It's not something to freak out over. We just need to be more careful. I promise you that no one will know unless you want them to."_

_His words made me suddenly wistful. I blinked hard as I felt the telltale burning that usually preceded tears streaming down my face. I hated that my life had come to this. Things were never supposed to be this complicated. _

_I found myself wondering what things would be like if I had thrown away that business card all those months ago. If I had just pretended that nothing had changed that day at the aquarium and distanced myself from Edward. I would have lost a dear friend, but now I stood to lose so much more. This thing that had consumed me for the past several months was bound to destroy everything. There was no way for me to come out of this situation with my heart intact._

_Either I stayed with Em and tore up the divorce papers, maintaining the status quo and being miserable, or I took the jump and tried to be with Edward, risking everything. There was too much to lose for both of us, but I was too selfish to walk away anymore. I tried to once, and it didn't work._

"_I just don't want to lose you," I said in a broken whisper, finally admitting it aloud to him. _

"_You won't," he promised as his lips skimmed the sensitive patch of skin beneath my ear. Goosebumps arose on my arms and he chuckled as he ran his palms briskly over the exposed skin. "I'll be waiting for you, always."_

_How true a statement. He was always waiting; for me to get my act together, for me to notice him, for me to acknowledge the depth of my emotions for him, for me to end the sham that was my marriage. He summed it up. Edward _was_ always waiting._

He left me then, standing in the den alone, totally frustrated, and well on my way to becoming intoxicated once I broke into Carlisle's hidden stash of whiskey. I hated feeling so guilty all the time. Emmett didn't deserve my betrayal, and Edward didn't deserve what little I gave of myself to him. Neither of them was getting a fair deal, and I hated myself for it.

By the time Emmett found me about an hour later, I was glassy eyed and highly intoxicated, a hairsbreadth away from confessing everything to him.

"_Why are you hiding in here?" he asked as he took in my flustered appearance. "I know you're bored, but you could at least make an effort. You know how much it disappoints mom when we hide during her parties."_

_His voice was distant, and I hated that I was being scolded like a child because I felt like being alone. I hated having to put on the show; I just couldn't take it anymore._

"_It's not like you noticed," I mumbled under my breath. I knew that he heard me, I saw him flinch, but he didn't respond._

"_Come on, Bells." He grabbed my hand and started leading me across the room towards the door, me slightly stumbling behind him. I was much more intoxicated than I realized, but I was happy to welcome the numbing effect it had on my emotions. _

"_Was there a reason you came to drag me back?"_

_He turned and gave me a look that implied that I was being difficult, but that wasn't exactly news._

"_It's kind of embarrassing when people ask where your wife is and you don't know. You just wandered off and never came back. I mean I know that you hate these things, but it's only a few hours."_

_His voice was hard, he was aggravated with me, I could tell, but I didn't know if I even had it in me to keep up the charade. _

"_Sorry I inconvenienced you," I bit back. I didn't even know who he was anymore. We use to hate these parties together, finding some way to be alone together, but as soon as the guests could benefit his career, he could have cared less if I was by his side, much less in the room._

"_God, Bella. That's not what I meant. I just hate that I can't even rely on you to look supportive in front of Dad's friends. You know that it pays off to have contacts in the medical field in my job." His eyes looked stressed as he dropped my hand and rubbed the back of his neck. He looked tired, he worked too hard, but I could never tell him that. "At least I had Rose there to help me keep the conversations going, she had them eating out of the palm of her hand."_

_An involuntary snort couldn't be stopped. I'm sure those old perverts loved talking to Rose, or at least staring at her cleavage._

"_What?" he sighed._

"_Oh, nothing. I'm sure she was very entertaining."_

"_Must you always be so hateful towards her? I mean I know that there isn't any love lost between the two of you for some reason, but you could at least try."_

"_Or not."_

"_Fine, whatever. I don't know why I bother."_

"_Me either."_

"_Are you coming back out with me?" He held his hand out towards me, looking apologetic. It seemed like all we ever did lately was bicker. I couldn't even manage to start the conversation telling him I wanted a divorce, every time I had tried over the last week we ended up getting in a fight. I was running out of time._

"_Why do you love me, Em?" I asked him as I took his hand and he steered me from the room; out into the dimly lit hallway. _

_He let out a tense chuckle and then placed a kiss on my forehead. It felt forced, like everything else lately. He never did answer me. He just mumbled something about needing to get coffee into me in order to sober me up. His silence spoke volumes to my drunken mind. Emmett didn't love me anymore, not that I was any better._

_When we arrived in the kitchen, it seemed that Rosalie might have been in the same position that I was, leaning precariously into the corner of the kitchen cabinets, clumsily raising a small mug towards her lips. Edward was standing with his back to her, looking out of the kitchen window with his hands shoved into his pockets. He looked upset. I wondered what Rose has said to set him off now. She did enjoy antagonizing him; it was her bizarre form of flirtation._

"_Oh look, Edward," Rose giggled as she slammed her mug down on the hard stone countertop. "It looks like the happy couple has come to hang out with us. Aren't they cute, Eddie? They've been together for so long and still _soooo_ in love. Everyone just loves little Bella, don't they?"_

_Her voice was menacing, but the fake smile on her face was enough to fool Emmett. He grinned back at her as he squeezed my waist and placed a kiss on my temple. Two minutes ago he was looking at me like he was tired of having to deal with me, and now he was being affectionate in front of his new little protégé and my secret lover. I could feel the bile rising in my throat as my face and neck heated up. Everyone else would just think I was embarrassed, but as Edward looked over at me from his perch by the sink, he could read me like a book. I was angry. _

_Just as I was about to open my mouth to shut the bitch up, she put the final nail in her coffin._

"_I guess it must be the water in this place, Edward. Cause we all know how much the Cullen men _love _Bella. Isn't that right?"_

_Edward blanched and looked down at the floor like he wanted it to swallow him whole while Rosalie got a smug grin on her face. Luckily, Emmett seemed to be distracted by the fancy espresso machine that was in the corner of Esme's kitchen, because he didn't even acknowledge what she said._

"_Rose," Edward warned as he turned towards her and took the cup out of her hands._

_She looked like she was going to say something else, but from the seething looks I was giving her, and the wary ones I was getting from her, she must have thought it was prudent to keep her mouth shut. Boy was I wrong._

_Edward motioned for Rose to walk ahead of him as he guided her towards the kitchen door, but she couldn't resist stopping to get in the last word._

"_You won't get to keep either of them," she hissed as she towered over me. "You are going to end up all alone, and you know it."_

_My fists clenched as Edward's hand pushed hard on her lower back and she stumbled forward. I could tell that he heard her, but I couldn't deny that she was probably right. Even so, my drunken state prevented me from letting her talk to me like that. I reached out and grabbed her wrist, leaning up and whispering in her ear._

"_I guess you would know all about being alone, wouldn't you? Your own parents don't want to spend time with you, so why would Edward? It's pathetic how you think he'd actually give you the time of day, much less the way you throw yourself at a married man like the whore that you are."_

Rose never said another word to me the rest of the night, silently throwing daggers at me from across the room. I knew that she would be a problem. She would wait for her opportunity to get revenge. Either that or she wouldn't hesitate to rub it in when everything around me fell apart. I was slightly ashamed of the way that I talked to her, but I couldn't say that I regretted saying what I did.

***BD***

I sighed wearily when I heard the grandfather clock in the hallway chime out the hour. It was still early, hours away from dinner with the big happy family. The sad thing is that I hadn't seen Em since we woke up this morning, me barely on my edge of the brick-like mattress, shivering because he had rolled away with all the covers. He hadn't even come to look for me, not that I was surprised.

Things had been tense since our pseudo argument; he just didn't even look at me the same way. Other than chaste kisses that one would expect for a sibling, he had barely touched me, not that I would have welcomed his advances. Even so, things had shifted between us. I could feel us drifting further and further apart.

Maybe his reaction to my wishes for a divorce wouldn't be what I expected, but on the other hand, I could be completely blindsiding him.

My legs protested as I unfolded myself from my chair, the leather creaking underneath my weight. I had been sitting for too long, my feet were half asleep, but I welcomed the pain I felt as my feet hit the hardwood floor.

I padded over to the window and looked out at the vast side yard. It was covered with pristine white snow, it looked fresh, just waiting for the plows to come through and kick up salt and dirt to ruin its purity.

New snow always looked so pretty, until the next morning when it was all gray and spoilt.

I think that I had begun to feel that life was like that as well, when you fell in love everything looked fresh and new, and when it wore off you saw reality. Reality came in the form of dirty toilet seats, empty beer bottles, and dirty socks on the floor. I absently wondered when I would begin to see reality with Edward. I was still blinded by the shining green eyes and strong body.

The sad thing was that even when I still had the love goggles on with Emmett, I never felt a tenth of what I feel with Edward. He was like the warm glow of a lamp; comfortable and bright. Being with Edward was like living on the sun. I didn't know if I could handle the burn.

A soft knock on the door startled me, and I hastily turned in that direction as it cracked open.

The dark curls that peeked through calmed me surprisingly enough. I had been trying to avoid getting cornered by Edward. He had promised that he would give me space, but I knew that if we were alone together one of us would crack. The last thing that either of us needed was to get caught in this house.

"Hey, um, I was wondering where you were holed up. I need to talk to you about something."

I returned to my seat and gestured to the other armchair. He looked guilty for some reason, and I couldn't even begin to guess what he wanted to talk to me about. This was the first time he had sought me out in days.

"So, I know that it's a holiday, or at least close enough, but I really need to make an appearance at the office today."

I rolled my eyes. Of course he would leave me here alone with his family. He couldn't even prioritize his time for family on a holiday, while he was on vacation. He wasn't supposed to be going back in until after the New Year, but even that was forced. He would have lost his paid vacation time if he didn't start using it.

"I thought that you were on vacation."

He nodded as he ran his palms along his jeans. "I am, but James said that he needed my help getting his campaign off to the printer's. I guess that the art department got the copy wrong and he had to go back in a try to rework everything. The client wants to launch the print media as soon into next year as they can, so if it doesn't get to the printer today, then it won't get to them in time."

I vaguely understood what he was saying, but I didn't understand why James' problem was now his.

"He's called in all the interns who didn't leave town, but I guess he's been having a little trouble keeping them on task."

"So he wants you to go in during your vacation to control the interns because he can't handle them?"

"It's not that he can't handle them," he sighed as he leaned back and closed his eyes. "He just isn't comfortable with giving instruction to the interns that weren't assigned to him."

Then his reaction made sense. Perfectly. He was going into work because Rose couldn't play nice with James. Big surprise.

"Go."

His head snapped up at the bite in my voice, but I couldn't help it. It made me feel like a complete bitch too. I trusted Emmett not to break our vows, but their interactions just got under my skin. And I had absolutely no right to even be upset because I hadn't treated him with the same respect. I betrayed him in the worst way, and then had the nerve to tiptoe around him with the divorce papers. It had been two weeks – the papers themselves would be ready in another two – and I couldn't even open my mouth to tell him.

"I'll be back before dinner." He stood over me for a moment, bent down like he was going to kiss my forehead and hesitated. "Thanks for not being too mad."

_Oh trust me, Em, it's the least I can do._

I couldn't even stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks as the door softly clicked shut on his departure. They came down in streams as I curled into one of the arms and sobbed. I held my forearm to my mouth tightly to drown out the unnatural sounds coming out of me. I was broken. Everything was fucked up and I couldn't even come clean to the one person who deserved my honesty.

Yes, our relationship was damaged – well beyond repair, and yes, I had been miserable, but he didn't deserve this.

*** BD ***

A light humming noise roused me from my troubled dreams and I could feel long fingers running through my hair. I didn't even have to open my eyes to recognize who was there.

"I know you're awake." His fingers delved underneath my hair and ran along my neck; eliciting feelings that made me want to cry myself to sleep all over again.

Edward was sitting on the floor in front of my chair, his long legs tucked up under him. His face was right in front of mine, his deep green eyes clouded with concern. He was too much, his presence relieved me and made me feel guilty all over again.

"Hey, don't cry," his voice was gravelly as his hands reached under my arms and he pulled me down into his lap. "It can't be that bad, whatever it is."

My head was tucked underneath his chin as I clung to him. I had missed my friend. That's what was so hard about this. He had been my biggest cheerleader about doing things to make myself happy before any of this had ever started. I could talk to him about anything and know that he was there to support me. That had practically disappeared as of late.

I was holding him at an arms-length trying to navigate this whole clusterfuck, and along the way I had lost my friend. He would be there for me if I needed him, but how did I explain that it was breaking my heart to tell his brother that I wanted a divorce? I knew that I didn't love Emmett anymore, that wasn't the problem. I just didn't know how to tell him.

Eventually the tears stopped again, but the silence stretched between us. I could tell Edward was giving me time to find my words, but I couldn't talk to him about this. It wouldn't be fair to him, and it sure wasn't fair to Emmett.

"I'm sorry," I murmured as I pushed myself up away from him and tried to smooth the wrinkles from my clothes. Suddenly, I felt cold, but I deserved this. I didn't deserve his comfort and his sweet understanding.

"Don't," he sighed as he stood, reaching out to take my hand. "Please don't shut me out."

The warmth from his hand seared into me and I jerked away from him, not even being able to look into his eyes. I couldn't look at him and see the hurt there. I would just fall apart all over again.

"I can't do this," I choked out as I fled towards the door, flinging it open and striding towards my husband's childhood bedroom. It wasn't going to improve my mood any, but I was running out of places to hide. I would have gotten in the car and driven home, but I knew that I wasn't in the state of mind to drive. It's not like I could leave anyways, Emmett had taken my only form of escape into the city to go to _her._

I curled up in the window seat that faced the backyard and stared off into the stark white space. My mind was overloaded, but I just wanted to forget everything for a few hours. Esme had seemed to sense that I needed time alone since we had gotten here, so I knew that no one would interrupt me. There was no way that Edward would follow me into Emmett's room.

After my breakdown this afternoon, I knew that something had to change. I needed to get over myself and finally tell Emmett what was going on. Not everything – of course – just the fact that I no longer wanted to be married to him. _Simple enough, right?_

I roughly ran my hands across my forehead as I tried to think of the words to say to him. Was it fair to do it sooner, like as in on a holiday while we weren't even at our own home; or should I wait until we got back to our house in a few days? I knew that I needed to do something soon, regardless of the holiday. Maybe I would try talking to him tonight.

What would I even say? Would I start off with the clichés: 'We need to talk'; 'It's not you, it's me'.

"God this is so fucked up."

"What's fucked up?" His deep voice startled me, and I almost fell off the window seat as I jerked around to face him.

Emmett was standing in the doorway with an amused grin on his face, with glistening drops of moisture from the snow coming down outside clinging to his hair. If it was three years ago, I would be in awe of how handsome he was, but that bubble had burst.

"Oh, nothing. It's not important. How was the office?" I stammered, trying to will my pulse to slow down.

"We got everything off to the printer. So hopefully there aren't any more problems, but those are James' to deal with for the rest of the week."

He seemed to be in a decent mood, so maybe he would be receptive to talking to me after dinner. I wasn't sure if I would mention the divorce, but I at least needed to know where he stood on the state of our relationship. He still seemed in denial that anything was wrong when we went out to dinner after he got home from his last conference. Maybe if I at least knew what he was thinking about us, it would make it easier for me to figure out how to tell him before the papers were just dropped in his lap.

I cleared my throat, feeling my face flush and sweat starting to bead at my temples. "Um….do you think that we might be able to sit down alone and talk after the family stuff tonight?"

"We have some time now, " he suggested as he sat down on the edge of his bed and pulled off his shoes. "Mom said dinner won't be ready for another hour or so."

He held his hand out in offering, wanting me to join him on the bed, but there was no way that I was talking to him about this before we had to go sit down at a table with his family. That was just a disaster waiting to happen.

"Maybe," I squeaked, a sure sign that I was going to lie about something, which made Em quirk an eyebrow. He may be unobservant but he knew my tells. "Um….maybe we can just wait until tonight, it's not really that important right now."

"If you say so. That's fine. I think I'm gonna take a shower. The heat was stuck on in the office so I'm kinda gross."

"Alright, well in that case, I'll just go see if your mom needs another set of hands."

"Oh, she's probably fine. Eddie's down there being her bitch, but I'm sure she could actually use someone who knew their way around a kitchen. We Cullen men are hopeless around an oven." He smirked at me as he pulled his shirt off over his head. I quickly averted my eyes and slid my feet into my ballet flats that were by the door.

I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted to spend time with Edward in the same kitchen where the confrontation with Rose happened, as well as the conversation that sparked the idea of me leaving Em, but it's not like I had options. I either faced my mother-in-law and brother-in-law/lover or watched my estranged – but didn't know about it – husband while he stripped down in the middle of his room.

I'd take awkward in-laws over feeling guilty for being in the same room with my naked husband any day.

_Boy were my priorities screwed up._

After practically running down the stairs like my ass was on fire, I arrived in the kitchen to see the most beautiful thing.

Edward and Esme were standing side by side at the kitchen island, swaying side to side as he sang along to the Amy Grant Christmas CD that was going in the background and she worked on rolling out dough on the granite in front of her. It was the same CD she had listened to around Christmastime since I had been a part of this family, but it made me think of happier times.

It was also nice to see Edward looking relaxed around at least one of his parents, even if he was singing girly Christmas ballads.

"Oh, Bella. You're just in time. I was showing Edward how to make a pie crust. Dinner is almost done, but I still have to get a few things together. Would you mind taking over and showing him how to continue on from here. The filling is in a bowl in the fridge."

She had already stepped away from the island and started washing her hands, giving me no other choice in the matter than to interact with Edward.

"Yes, Bella," he smirked as he pointed towards the dough rolled out on the counter in front of him. "I'd love it if you'd show me your pie."

My neck flashed hot as he continued to stare me down with those dangerous green eyes. His affinity for innuendo was going to get me into trouble. I could feel my pulse thrumming even though he was still halfway across the room from me. Standing next to him was going to be dangerous.

He handed me Esme's spare apron and I slipped it over my head before I dipped my fingers in the small mound of flour on the island next to the dough. Edward startled me by stepping in closely behind me to tie my apron strings, lightly pressing me into the counter in front of me with the subtle movements of his hands.

"Thanks," I murmured as I peeked over my shoulder shyly at him. His gaze was soft and affectionate, and I could tell that he was pleased to be spending some time with me.

He nodded in the direction of the pie makings in front of us and I began to softly instruct him how to line the pie plate and mold the dough of the crust into place without compromising the thickness. His breath tickled the side of my neck as he peered over my shoulder, watching the movement of my hands closely.

"Then, after you get the dough in place, you cut off any excess that hangs more than half an inch over the edge of the pie plate. The rest is pinched into place to create the scalloped edge you see on most pies. It's not very difficult. You just have to make sure that your fingers don't press too hard, and try to keep the edge as uniform as you can."

I started to slowly mold the edge of the dough into place and tried to will my heart to slow down as I felt Edward step in closer behind me. His arms came around mine as he lined his fingers up with mine to help me pinch the crust into place.

We worked in tandem to mold the rest of the crust, his long fingers mimicking my movements and creating perfect pinch pleats. Something like pie making should not have me feeling aroused, I had made dozens of pies in the same kitchen and didn't feel the overwhelming heat building up inside of me.

"I'll have to say, Bella. Pinching your pie is quite enjoyable." His chest quaked behind me as I tried to keep myself from elbowing him for saying such things to me in the same room as his mother. He was truly enjoying tormenting me, and I hated that I couldn't banter back with him like I normally would, because something inappropriate would no doubt come flying out of my mouth.

"Shut it," I hissed as I threw my hips back against him lightly to enforce my point. The only problem was the fact that this pie making lesson seemed to be having the same effect on him as it had on me. He was stiff and unrelenting against the small of my back when he pressed his hips forward, trapping me against the hard granite in front of me. It was impossible to not wiggle against him a little. I was clearly insane.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," he practically growled in my ear as one of his large hands clamped down on the side of my waist to stop any backwards movement.

My eyes darted over to the stove, where – luckily – Esme was blissfully oblivious to the sexual turmoil going on behind her back.

"Back off," I shot back at him under my breath. I let out a sigh of relief when he disentangled himself from me and took a few steps back, abusing his hair with harsh tugs as he growled something unintelligible. I was sure that he was just as frustrated with himself as I was. He knew that doing something like that around me in this house was dangerous.

Avoiding his penetrating stare, I retrieved the pie filling from the fridge and dutifully went on displaying how to fill the pie crust and create a lattice across the top. I kept mentally bracing myself whenever I mentioned cherries or filling, but he seemed to be keeping the perverted comments to himself, for which I was thankful. This was awkward enough as it was.

When I was finished with the last steps, we quietly worked side by side to clean up our mess. I placed the ready to bake pie next to the oven, knowing that Esme would take care of the rest of the process.

By the time I turned back around, Edward was long gone, and I didn't know whether or not that made me happy. Things were bound to be awkward seated across from him at dinner. The tension was getting to the both of us, and I hoped we could make it through this holiday without doing something stupid.

*** BD ***

When I got back to Em's room, he was nowhere to be seen, which was a relief. I just didn't have the energy to put on the act anymore. Hopefully tonight's conversation would make it easier to tell him once we got home. He _had_ to know that something wasn't right; no one is that in denial. _I hope._

I picked out a cute black skirt, which was knee length and had large pleats at the high waist. It was conservative and comfortable, and to be honest wearing anything shorter would be too tempting with Edward around. Being in that dining room again would forever remind me of my birthday and what happened in that closet. That was back when I was still convincing myself I could do this.

Once I grabbed my favorite elbow length sleeve red v-neck sweater, I ducked into the attached bathroom to change and freshen up. While it was lucky that I wasn't wearing any makeup during my spectacle in the morning, my eyes were bound to be a little puffy.

As I went to unfasten my pants, I noticed distinct floury finger prints spanning the waistband just below my shirt and cringed that I had walked through the house with Edward's marks on me. It was just another tangible reminder that we were both being careless, and sooner or later it was bound to catch up with one or both of us.

Putting on my makeup felt like a chore since it was just a family dinner, but it served as a mask of sorts. I was donning my perfect little housewife game face in order to just get through it all. Distancing me from this emotionally was the only way that I was going to prevent another breakdown.

"Well you look nice," his deep voice caused me to startle and miss my lashes entirely with the applicator. As he stepped in behind me, I grabbed a Q-Tip out of my makeup bag to try to remove it without smearing it into the side of my face.

"Is dinner ready?" I asked as I sidestepped Em's large hands to reach down to the trashcan under the sink to throw away the evidence of my mistake_. If it was only that easy to get rid of all of my mistakes._

"Yup, mom sent me up to get you and Eddie. He was hiding in his room listening to emo chick music looking like someone kicked his piano. Sometimes I don't know what goes on in that kid's head. He's got a smoking hot girlfriend and he acts like the world is coming to an end half the time."

His words sent a flash of anger up my spine and I gritted my teeth when he brushed my hair from my shoulder and placed a lingering kiss on my neck. I wanted to say something, I wanted to lash out, but after expressing my disdain for her this morning, I knew that I couldn't.

_My fucking god! _I seethed, letting his words sink in. He was calling Rose, or I guess I should call her _Rosie_ (_gag!),_ smoking hot, right in front of me. She _worked _for him. Did he not even see how unprofessional that was? Brother's non-girlfriend or not, it was like he had no filter between his brain and his mouth.

"Well, I'm gonna head back down," he said reaching up to run his hand down my side, lingering a little too long at the back of my skirt. I had to fight a shudder, knowing that he would take it the wrong way.

"Hmm," I nodded, trying to apply my eyeliner while simultaneously avoiding eye contact in the mirror. "Don't forget about our talk tonight."

"Of course not," he murmured as he squeezed my hip once before stepping back from me. I think my entire body relaxed as he left the room and closed the door behind him.

Placing both hands on the counter in front of me, I took a deep breath and surveyed the image in front of me. I looked good; the makeup had done its job of hiding my weary appearance. I would just have to concentrate on keeping a smile on my face without staring directly at Edward across the table.

_Easier said than done._

*** BD ***

Esme seemed bubblier than usual as she worked to get all of the food out from the kitchen with the help of her two sons. Emmett seemed to be in a wonderful mood, all smiles, as he bumped hips with his mother as they passed going to and from the kitchen.

Edward, on the other hand, seemed like he was ready to blow a gasket as I quietly observed from the archway leading into the dining room. His face was mottled red and he had loosened his tie, leaving the top button of his crisp blue dress shirt undone. He refused to make eye contact with me, and shot daggers at his brother any time that they crossed paths.

Something must have happened while I was upstairs getting ready, and I was hoping that it wasn't anything too horrible. Whatever it was, it seemed to be making Esme ready to burst with happiness, and Em was happy as well. Maybe he had finally gotten his much deserved raise at work. He probably would have told me already, but maybe he wanted it to be a surprise.

"Sit down, sit down," Esme encouraged as she came up behind me and gave me a firm push on the small of my back. She must have come through the other door of the kitchen and up behind me.

"Alright," I mumbled as I dropped into my usual seat, draping my napkin across my lap.

Carlisle joined me shortly afterwards, probably making his nightly appearance before he retreated back to his study.

We made uncomfortable small talk about the weather, the holiday, and he had just brought up my new job as the other three members of the family took their places as the last dishes were placed in the center of the table.

There was way too much food for five people, but Esme loved to dote on her boys, and I was sure that some of it would be making its way back to our refrigerator along with tomorrow's left overs.

"So this has been a wonderful year," Esme started as she sat up straighter in her seat, still looking like someone had slipped her some speed. "We have all been blessed. Carlisle with his generous bonus, Emmett with his continued success at work, Bella with her new foray into teaching, and Edward has made the Dean's list, yet again. I feel grateful that we all are of good health, and may it continue on into the New Year."

"Who knows," she smiled widely, lifting her glass as she looked over towards Em and then onto me. "Maybe this time next year we will be thankful for another reason, the long awaited expansion of our family."

_Say what? Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously?_

My eyebrows felt like they shot straight into my hairline as my obviously delusional husband leaned over to kiss my cheek and place his hand across my abdomen.

Edward started choking on his drink as I trained my angry glare towards Emmett. Who in the hell did he think he was? Did he really tell his mother that I wanted a baby? _WHAT THE FUCK!_

Carlisle reached over to pat Edward on the back as I ripped Em's hand off of my stomach and shoved it back into his own lap. I tried to reign in my ire as I faked a smile towards Esme. She really had no idea. This time next year I wouldn't even be sitting here, much less with her eldest son's child in tow.

I couldn't even look at Edward without wanting to cry, he looked so angry, and resigned. He must have thought that I lied to him. If I would have known that Emmett was going to tell his mother we were trying to have a baby, I would have at least prepared Edward to deal with his brother's delusions.

The rest of dinner was punctuated by the scraping of silver ware and absolute silence. Esme seemed to have figured out that her toast was a little premature, if not totally false. Emmett was oblivious; he was just too busy shoveling in the food to try to talk to anyone. Carlisle kept exchanging glances with his wife, probably cursing her for making dinner totally awkward. Edward was a whole other matter, his face had gone completely void of emotion, and he was aimlessly pushing his food around the plate.

Once we had all stopped eating, Esme started to gather up stray dishes, clearing the table to prepare for dessert. Edward helped her and kept his head down the entire time he circled the table. He avoided my end of the table, opting to let his mother take that end.

I sat there with my fist clenched on my thighs, trying to keep myself from exploding.

After they had cleared everything except for the dessert plates, Esme disappeared into the kitchen and came back out a few minutes later with a pie in each hand. She must have made one herself before Edward and I made the cherry one.

"What kind would you like, Bella?" she asked softly as she carefully loosened up the first slice from each pie.

"No thank you, Esme. I'm not feeling well. I think I'm going to go lie down if you all wouldn't mind."

She waved her hand at me, dismissing me from the table as she smiled. "Oh, that's fine dear. Go rest, we've got a long day tomorrow. I'll save you a piece in the refrigerator."

"Thanks," I mumbled as I pushed back from the table. Emmett tried to grab my wrist to stop me, but I wasn't in the mood to deal with him. When he came to bed he was going to get an earful.

I fought the urge to stomp up the stairs, and softly closed the bedroom door, as opposed to slamming it like I really wanted to. I was beyond tense and beyond pissed off. He had really stepped past the mark on this one. We had talked about it and I told him that I wasn't interested. Obviously it hadn't seeped into his tiny brain.

This was fucking unbelievable. He just never listened to me, at all. He decided he wanted some kids out of the blue, sure, let's have some. Fuck no. Not going to happen. Maybe if things had turned out differently years ago we would be in that place, but we weren't and as far as I was concerned we weren't going to be.

I went through the motions of getting ready for bed, putting on my thick flannel pants and a long sleeved waffle weave shirt. My hair went up into a sloppy ponytail, and I scrubbed off every trace of makeup. We were going to have a talk, and he was not going to touch me, so I was making myself look as unappealing as possible.

Looking at the clock, I noticed it was just past nine. I figured that Em would reappear within the hour, so I grabbed my book from earlier and curled up in the window seat to wait.

Two hours later, I had finished the rest of the book and was pacing in front of the window, wondering where in the hell my husband was. He knew that I wanted to talk to him after dinner. My guess was that he was hitting the scotch in the study with his dad, and he was probably going to be obnoxious whenever he did appear.

I could have gone and gotten him, told him he needed to come to bed, but I didn't want to run the risk of running into anyone else. God knows what Esme would try to pry out of me given the opportunity, and I didn't even know what I would do if I ran into Edward.

It was almost midnight when the door creaked open, I had already tucked myself into bed in the dark, staring up the ceiling.

Emmett must have thought that I was asleep as he tried to quietly weave past the bed and into the bathroom.

Ten minutes later, over three hours after I came upstairs, he emerged wearing only his boxers and smelling like stale cigar smoke.

_Celebration my ass_…..

I'm sure that Carlisle tried to fill him full of fatherly wisdom, you know, how to manipulate and belittle your child, _for their own good. _Since that's what his parenting skills seemed to entail.

"Have fun?"

He startled as he pulled back the comforter on his side of the bed, thinking he could just sneak in and I wouldn't be any wiser.

"I didn't think that you'd still be awake."

His breath was a nauseating mixture of stale alcohol, smoke and mint toothpaste. He lay down on his side facing me, and I turned my head away from where he was breathing towards me.

"Yup," I snarked as I pushed his hands away from where they were trying to work their way under my shirt. I didn't want him touching me. "Been waiting for you to come up here for quite a while, too."

"Oh shit," he shot under his breath. He had obviously forgotten that we were even supposed to have a talk this evening. "I'm sorry. I know that you wanted to talk to me about something."

His voice was slightly slurred, he wasn't drunk, but I wondered how much of this conversation he would remember in the morning.

"I'm not happy, Em." I whispered. I figured I might as well come out and tell him the truth for once.

"I said I was sorry," he sighed, exasperated.

"It's not that. I'm not happy. With this," I motioned between the two of us as I looked towards him. "With us."

He frowned as he pursed his lips. "I guess I could try to cut down at work," he offered after a few minutes. At least he was trying to give me something, even if it was too late for that.

"It's not that," I sighed. "I know you have responsibilities you can't help, but I just feel like we don't connect anymore. Do you even remember the last time we actually did something fun just the two of us?"

He was quiet for a while before he responded in a whisper. "No."

"You used to be my best friend. Now you don't even talk to me, and when you do, you don't listen to what I have to say."

I paused to wipe a tear from my cheek, curling up my legs a little as I eased back on the mattress away from him.

"That's not true. I listen. I let you go back to work when you wanted to, even though you didn't talk to me about it. I let you do whatever you want to. It's like whatever I do you are never satisfied. I'm the one that gets shit for doing things _you_ don't want." His voice was a hiss as he bit back at me. I had obviously angered him.

"So you were listening when I told you I didn't want kids right now, or maybe even at all? Cause it sure didn't seem like that when your mother announced to the whole table that you are trying to knock me up." I couldn't help but let out a bitter chuckle. "Good luck with that one since we haven't had sex in like three months. How does that work?"

"I _told_ you that I wanted to try to start a family, but you just shut me down. Since when do you get to have everything you want and I get shit? Do you even care what _I_ want?"

"You knew that I wanted to teach and you have done nothing but stand in my way for _years._ Then as soon as I get fed up with sitting around the damn house by myself and go do what I want, you decide you want to saddle me with a couple toddlers and go about your business like normal."

He got up from the bed and started pacing in the open space in front of the door, rubbing his hand over the back of his head angrily. At least he was showing that he was capable of some emotion towards me besides apathy.

"Well sorry for trying to provide for my family," he growled at me. "I didn't realize that you were totally ungrateful for me working my ass off so you can have some stability. So we can own a nice house and drive nice cars. I'm so sorry for giving you whatever in the fuck you wanted ever since we got married."

"Excuse me." Now he was just pissing me off. "Since when did I give a shit about _any _of that? I didn't ask for that damn car. You made me get the Audi. I wanted a fucking Mazda. _You _picked out the brownstone. I didn't even get to protest when you went and signed the papers for the mortgage while I was out to lunch with Angela."

I stood up and marched towards him, poking him in the chest as I went. "You have done nothing but tell me what _you_ want since the day we got married. You pretend that it's for us, but that's bullshit. You want me to do what you want me to do, when you want me to do it. I'm tired of being your fucking puppet!"

"Keep your voice down," he hissed as he grabbed my wrist.

"Why? So you can convince your mother that we are just as perfect as she and your dad are? Well guess what, we aren't. I'm never gonna be perfect, and it's obvious that I'm never gonna be obedient enough for you."

His hand tightened painfully over my wrist as his nostrils flared while he glared down at me. There was something in his eyes that should have frightened me, but I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. No matter how much he may have emotionally neglected me, he would never abuse me physically.

"What do you want from me?" he growled.

I looked down to the floor as I tried to pull away from him. It was now or never. I could look him in the eye and tell him I wanted a divorce, or I could chicken out and not say a word.

"You know what. Don't answer that. I'm drunk, you're tired. This obviously isn't the time or place for this. Let's…..let's just talk about this once we get home." He sighed heavily as he turned away from me and went to get a pair of sleep pants out of his suitcase.

"Em, I…."

He held up his hand as he pulled a white t-shirt over his head. "Just….don't. I just want to go to sleep."

I was curled up under the covers on the farthest edge of the mattress when he joined me. He didn't make a move to touch me, which I was thankful for, but it still made me feel even emptier than I had before this whole mess. I couldn't stop the tears as they rolled down my cheek into the pillow as I cried myself to sleep. I didn't even try to hope for this to get better tomorrow, because I had a feeling it was about to get worse before it ever got better.

* * *

**See! It wasn't 2012 before I posted again...it must be a miracle. I told you I would try to be better. **

**Thanks to my pre-readers nerac/carenl and beegurl13 for polishing up this baby...my brain turns to mush trying to edit a 10k+ doc...**

**Happy early Mother's Day to those of you with spawn, may you have a fun and relaxing weekend!**


	12. Banging in the New Year

***** Ah, screw it...I was going to post this tomorrow, but it's done and its up, so you are getting it a day early. From now on, expect posts on Sunday though, read updating details in note at the end. 3 GT**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do own a semi-toddler that decided to start the terrible twos early…..don't own Atonement either, but I do blame the library scene for parts of this chapter...**

**A HUGE thanks to my lovely pre-readers. Beegurl13 for being a constant cheerleader and holding my hand when I am feeling flaily. She is always excited to find out what is going to happen next. Nerac/Carenl for attempting to cure my apparent fixation with the word 'that'. Some people have commas, I have the overuse of the word 'that'. **

**Ok, I know several of you have expressed irritation with Bella over her behavior. That's perfectly understandable, she's my incarnation of the character, and she even drives me nuts sometimes. Some of you don't understand her jealously/anger towards the possibility of Emmett and Rosalie. All I can say is she is experiencing what is called transference, which is a common symptom of people who are guilty of infidelity. She is projecting what she feels on Emmett, because she would not want to be in his shoes. I can't say she's right in her feelings, because she has done a lot of things I personally disagree with, but that's just how it is. Call it a character flaw, but it's ingrained, so it's not going to just magically disappear.**

**Story still earns its M rating in this chapter, so keep a change of panties handy near the end... ;)**

* * *

**Chapter 11: Banging in the New Year**

The only problem with tabling the really important conversations until a better time is that sometimes it never arises. Christmas came and went, it was tense, but Emmett was nice. If anything he was too nice to me. Edward was quiet, but he was still very much capable of turning me into a puddle from across a room with a single look.

We didn't speak any more before Emmett and I left, but I could tell we needed to talk about things before one of us exploded from the frustration, sexual or otherwise. There just wasn't time with everything going on right now.

Emmett would supposedly be home until after the New Year, so it would be nearly impossible for me to sneak away to see him. It was probably for the best, because I knew that it was only a matter of time before one of us slipped and we fell back into our old ways.

*** BD ***

Alice was more than up for the challenge of dress shopping when she called me to find out what she needed to wear for the Cullen's New Year's party. We had agreed to meet on Michigan Avenue, despite the snow covered ground, to look in some of the dress shops there. She and Jasper had flown in two days after Christmas to get ready for their last semester.

I could remember that feeling, the knowledge that you were so close to achieving a goal, but you weren't quite there yet. Now I could relate in an entirely different way. I was so close to getting out of my dead marriage, but there were so many things still left to do.

By the third failed attempt to talk to Emmett about our conversation on Christmas, and what he refused to let me say to him, I was determined to get my life into order before I dropped the divorce into his lap.

I had contacted a realtor to help me look for apartments. There were so many terrible rentals around the city. I needed a professional to help find the places in my price range that weren't shit holes. Of course, that would involve me actually getting the permanent position at the high school. I had an interview a few days after the New Year, but it wouldn't be a guarantee that they would give me the position.

"Bella," Alice squealed as she waved frantically from across the intersection she instructed me to meet her at. I was early, and freezing my ass off. Chicago winters could be brutal.

"Finally," I breathed as she linked her arm with mine and started dragging me toward a storefront whose windows were adorned with white icicles. It was strange to see all of the Christmas decorations gone, but it was still very much winter here.

"I'm so excited about this party, Bella," she said practically vibrating with excitement. "I mean, I know it'll be half filled with boring old people, but I've never gone to a New Year's party that required formal attire. Jasper's going to look so hot in his tux. I'm sure you're excited to see your man in a tux too."

I sighed loudly at her comment. I knew she was trying to be vague, but she was talking about Edward like he was mine. I wasn't delusional, I knew that we had strong feelings for each other and technically he would be mine if I wanted, but I couldn't be his. Until my marriage was legally over, being with Edward was wrong. Even afterward it would still be wrong, but at least it wouldn't be illegal anymore.

Luckily, the salesladies seemed to be keeping occupied with the last minute New Year's shopping, and they stayed away from the pair of us. I'd never been so thankful to look like I was much younger than I really was. I hated shopping to begin with; add in a salesperson looking for a nice commission and I wanted to jump from the nearest tall building.

"So how was your Christmas at the in-laws?" I knew that Alice was fishing for information but I was too emotionally exhausted to fight her on it.

"Oh, it was fine; nothing too exciting. Well, unless you consider the fact that I almost told Em I was filing for a divorce. You know; nothing big."

The look on her face would have been comical if I found this situation funny, it was anything but. There were times that I wished I could just walk away from everything and everyone, start over somewhere new where none of this was hanging over my head.

"Seriously?" she whispered as she pushed me into a large fitting room, hanging up the selection of dresses that she'd accumulated while we'd been wandering around the store.

"He shut me down before I could get it out, and he's been avoiding me ever since. This whole situation just sucks."

"Does Edward know?"

I nodded my head as I turned away from her and began taking off my clothes to try on the first dress she held out to me. I knew she wasn't going to leave now that I had dropped this bomb on her, so I might as well multitask and at least find a dress at the same time.

"What does he think about it?"

It seemed like a simple enough question, but I wasn't quite sure. He seemed happy when I told him, but was it giving him false hope when I wasn't even sure if we could be together once the dust settled from me blowing up my life?

"I'm not really sure. I haven't talked to him much since I told him. I don't even know how any of this is going to work afterward. It's going to be a while, maybe years, before this is all resolved, so it's not like we can start planning our future or anything. It'd be stupid of him to wait for me."

She pursed her lips and nodded at my statement. I knew she was an eternal optimist and hopeless romantic, so she was probably envisioning Edward and me riding off into the sunset. I wished I could see that myself, but when I looked at my future, I honestly didn't see anything.

Alice really didn't question me anymore after that. I think she knew I wanted to be left alone. We spent another hour or so trying on various gowns and even made one of the snooty salesladies' quotas for the day when we both purchased dresses well over the three hundred dollar mark. I felt ridiculous spending that much money on a dress I knew for a fact I would only wear once, but at this point I didn't care.

We both agreed to see each other the morning of the party to get our hair and nails done. I wasn't exactly excited about going to the salon, but I needed to keep going through the motions for the time being.

*** BD ***

Emmett kept up his promises about being home and was there every day up until New Year's Eve. He acted completely normal, well as normal as Emmett gets, and he still wouldn't talk to me.

Every time I tried to bring back up our conversation from Christmas, he mysteriously needed to do something. His work Blackberry would beep or he needed to go to the store to get something, mostly beer. After trying about a dozen times to get his attention away from some piece of technology or another, I gave up. I had other things I still needed to take care of.

I spent most of my time running a fine tooth comb over all of the writing pieces, lesson plans and multi-discipline projects that I had compiled for my portfolio. I spent hours combing through boxes of old projects looking for burned CDs that held all of my old work. I had never gotten around to putting them all on a hard drive, but I made sure when I was still in school that I had everything backed up onto discs.

It was kind of a nostalgic experience to filter through all of the work I had done in school, especially knowing that I hadn't really done anything with my degree. I was so idealistic about teaching while I was in school, and then I just let my marriage push all of that aside.

It was disheartening that I worked so hard, for so many years, and now I really didn't have anything to show for it except for the piece of paper that they gave me in the form of a degree. I didn't have any of the experience someone at my age should have. I should have been a veteran teacher at this point in my career, but I wasn't. My employment history for the past six years was a big blank spot on my resume and I didn't have a legitimate reason why.

At least if I had the excuse of taking a different career path or having a child I might feel less like a failure. I let myself become the kind of woman I never wanted to be.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with being _only_ a housewife, if that was your decision, but it was never mine.

I let myself be told what to do and I let it go on way too long. One or two years lost I could explain, but six. I'd be lucky if they gave me this job. They _had_ to give me this job or I was screwed. All of my plans would fall apart if I didn't have some way to support myself.

The divorce could still be possible, but I would be left with nothing. I came into our marriage with next to nothing, and I would probably be leaving it with that as well. I needed a way to support myself, and with my blank work history, I'd be lucky to get a job in retail.

With that resolve, I pushed myself to make sure that my portfolio and resume were perfect. I wouldn't be giving the panel any reasons not to consider me for this position.

*** BD ***

The morning of the party, I awoke with butterflies in my stomach. I wasn't exactly sure what was causing them, the idea of my interview being only a few days away, or….._oh, who was I kidding. I was going to be in the same house as Edward the entire night._

I had seen him in a tux before, at my wedding, just about every New Year's since then, and even last year when he performed in a concert at DePaul. I didn't know why seeing him tonight would be different, but this _was _the first time I would see him in a tux actually knowing what was underneath it.

The lack of physical contact over the last few months was getting to me. I couldn't deny it. I _wanted _to be touched. I was craving it. The only problem was, I would only be satisfied by one person doing the touching, and he wasn't an option.

I knew that if I arranged it, he probably wouldn't deny me, but there were still too many risks.

Alice could tell I was wound up when I got to the salon, but she seemed to be trying to respect my privacy; or so I thought.

As we sat side by side in the massage chairs getting our pedicures, she decided to attack. Maybe she knew that I wouldn't try to escape while the tiny Asian woman was using a file on my feet.

"So have you really been _that_ estranged from Emmett?" she whispered as she tried to discreetly lean over closer to my chair.

"What?"

"Are you and Em, you know…" insert crude hand movement that I would never have expected to be demonstrated by Alice.

"God, Alice, no. Stop. I am _not_ talking to you about this."

"So the last time you got fucked was against a bathroom door?" she giggled as I covered my face with my hands.

"Shut up," I whined as she laughed at me.

"Oh come on, I know you've been trying to stay away from _you know who_. Are you really saying that the last time that you had _sex,_" oh that word she whispers (cue eye roll) "was in October, well it could have technically been November, but you know what I mean."

"I'm not dignifying that with an answer."

"So that means yes. Wow, I mean I heard married people never had sex, but I didn't think Em had it in him to go two whole months without. _Damn."_

"It's not like he hasn't tried," I scoffed under my breath.

"So you've been holding out. And how long do you plan to go on being celibate, Bella? I have to say that it makes you cranky. I find that it makes my skin look better to be _active_ with Jasper. You know there really are some positive health benefits to keeping up with an active sex life….."

"Alice. For the love of god, shut up."

"Stop being a prude, Bella. It's not like they care," she motioned to the techs that were busy working away on our feet. "Even if they do understand us I'm sure they've heard much worse."

"Why do you even care?"

"Because Edward is all mopey, you look like you're about to explode, and I think the two of you should just do each other and get it over with."

"That's what started all this mess, Alice. That's the problem, not the solution."

_I'm so delusional…._

"Ok, I'm not saying it's the ideal circumstances, but if you're careful, you two don't have to stop seeing each other."

"Yes, for a while, we really do….."

If only it were so easy to actually stick to that…..

Alice luckily left me alone for the rest of our time at the salon, and gave up on the idea of pimping me out to Edward to improve both of our apparently foul temperaments.

By the time I got home, I only had time to quickly do my makeup and get dressed. Emmett didn't put up a fight getting into his tux, and we shared a quiet ride to his parent's house, the hum of the engine being the only sound between us.

*** BD ***

Esme immediately ushered me into the kitchen to help with getting all of the appetizers onto trays for the few waiters she had hired to circulate throughout the party. I barely even got off a perfunctory hello to Carlisle before she was dragging me out of the foyer.

"So Emmett tells me you have an interview next week." Her comment wasn't a question, she knew about my potential job, and judging from the blank look she was giving me, she probably didn't approve of my choice of schools.

"Yes, I do." I wasn't in the mood to be baited about the benefits of teaching in a private school versus a public one; it wasn't a wonder where Emmett got his views on public schools from.

"You do know that I'm still on the board at Emmett and Edward's Alma Mater?"

"Yup," I smiled as I continued putting the tiny bacon wrapped scallops onto the tray in front of me. When Esme turned to go retrieve another serving piece from the dining room, I absentmindedly brought my tiny tongs up and pretended to squish her head with them as she left the kitchen.

It was a never ending battle with Esme. I loved my mother-in-law, she was a wonderful and kind woman, but when it came to education, she was a total snob. She believed that you could only truly fulfill your potential if you were educated in some snooty private school. I think that was part of the reason there was such a rift in her relationship with Edward, she couldn't understand why he'd turn his back on his potential and pursue something as frivolous as music.

Her grandfather had been a Headmaster at one of the oldest private academies in the Chicago area, and he had instilled her prejudice for public schooling. She knew that the masses had to be educated, and saw the purpose of public education, but she believed that in order to be truly successful, you had to be educated in a certain way.

I'm sure she would have been appalled at the school system that I came from, where upon graduation about thirty percent of the graduating class went on to work in the logging industry, another twenty percent went on to be housewives, and the other half went some sort of higher learning. Given, most of them went to the local community college and only for two years, but there were a few like myself who left the state to go to school. I think there were only four people in my class who went to school out of state.

"Hey," the low voice behind me startled me out of my negative thoughts, and drew me into ones of an entirely different nature.

"Shit," I muttered under my breath as I accidentally dropped one of my tiny appetizers onto the floor in front of me.

Before I could even think of bending down to pick it up, Edward was knelt down on the floor at my feet. One of his large, warm hands crept in the slit at the back of my dress and caressed the bare skin of my calf as the other picked up the offending object from the floor. He was looking up at me through his eyelashes as I tried not to choke on my tongue. It was a wonder that I didn't just jump on top of him while he was down there.

"Uh…thanks," I coughed as he released my leg and stood next to me. He leaned over toward the cabinet where the trash can was and dropped the scallop inside before rejoining me.

If I had any sense of self preservation, I would have stepped away from him, but I obviously didn't as I subtly felt myself leaning into his side.

As I looked up into his eyes, all of the reasons I wanted to stay away from him were flitting through my mind. I knew he was dangerous to be around, but I couldn't deny I wanted him. I could tell by the look on his face that he was weighing his options over whether or not it would be a good idea to kiss me.

I felt my eyelids slip closed as his warm breath fanned across my face, making my mouth water. I could almost taste him on my lips before I was pushed back towards the counter, completely breathless and suddenly feeling cold.

As I opened my eyes, I could see Edward slip out the door into the hallway as Esme came in through the door to the dining room. He must have heard her coming and decided a swift exit was his best strategy. I couldn't say I disagreed with him, but it didn't mean I wasn't disappointed. My resolve to stay away was already slipping.

Once the wait staff arrived, I was able to seek out my husband and put on my game face. I knew the drill by now. I was to stand near him, smile, and be charming to the guests. It was scary how easy it was for me to put on the façade.

The cocktails were flowing by the time I found him, so I slipped in next to Emmett seamlessly and played my part.

About an hour into the party, I could feel eyes on me and looked up, immediately finding the cool blue of Rosalie Hale standing at the entrance to the room with a triumphant smirk on her face as most of the male eyes in the room appreciated her deep red, form fitting dress. Alice and Jasper appeared behind her and the three immediately made their way toward Edward.

I tried not to notice how smug Rosalie looked as she leaned in to kiss him on the cheek as she sidled up next to him and put her arm through his.

Time seemed to fly as I downed my entire drink and refocused my mission to be the perfect arm candy for the night.

The more intoxicated I became, the more hostile my thoughts towards her were, but every time I accidentally made eye contact with Edward, my blood started to boil in an entirely different manner.

The way he'd been looking at me all night had me in a complete tailspin. His smoldering eyes and the way he pursed his lips when he was looking at me from across the room was having a negative effect on the stability of my tiny satin underwear. I was beginning to think I might be able to melt into a puddle of goo on the wood floors just by the way he was staring.

Emmett had been plastered to my side for the past forty minutes, and I was beginning to think he was actually trying to be an attentive husband. Or at least I would have, had he not been staring at Rose's exposed back the entire evening. I wasn't that oblivious, most of the men in the room were doing the same. Except for one man, who had been noticeably absent for the last ten minutes.

I didn't even know that she was even going to be here. She wasn't originally _supposed_ to be here. I was finally looking forward to spending time with Alice in a fun setting without _her._ It was like she knew exactly when to show up to screw with me.

Her drunken behavior at the Christmas party was bad enough. Did she really need to repeat it? I honestly don't know how Esme could have let her back into her house. Although, I had a feeling somehow my husband must have had a hand in it all. All he had been talking about at home was how _rewarding_ it was to be a mentor to someone who was such a young talent in his field.

_Gag me…._

I wouldn't be surprised if Rose turned into a statistic and slept her way to the top now that she had a foot in the door. Don't get me wrong, she was smart, but she was also a conniving bitch, so I wouldn't put it past her.

Shaking my head to rid it of thoughts of _her, _I decided I needed to get some air before I exploded.

"Em," I said quietly, tugging on his sleeve to get his attention. It took a few tries, but eventually he looked down toward me with a goofy smile on his face. _Oh yeah, he was drunk._ "Hey, I'm going to go outside and get some air. I just wanted to let you know where I was going."

"Oh, yeah sure. Go do that. I'm gonna stay in here and maybe introduce some of Dad's friends to Rosie. Never hurts to have connections, right?"

_Rosie? What the motherfu…._

He leaned down and placed a wet kiss on the side of my neck before he returned his attention back to his father. But not before running his hand down the material of the dress flowing down my back and giving my ass a little squeeze.

I fought back an involuntary shudder, and not of the good variety as I worked my way up toward the front of the house so I could get my wrap from the entryway coat closet. The front of the house seemed fairly deserted, so I bundled myself up and slipped out the front door. There was a gazebo on the side of the house that I liked to sit in and read whenever we came to visit in the summer; hopefully it wasn't completely covered with snow.

Making the trek along the stone walkway through the side yard, I noticed some footprints through the fresh snow leading to where I was headed. I wasn't quite sure who would want to make the trip through the yard when it was so freaking cold outside, but it didn't take me long to guess, because I saw a familiar cropping of reddish brown hair leaning over one of the side rails, a puff of smoke surrounding him.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that it wasn't healthy to smoke?" I called out as I stepped up onto the wooden platform.

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?" he said with a smirk, turning toward me as I walked up beside him.

"How can you smoke those things?" I asked with mild disgust evident in my voice as I nodded towards his cigar.

"Eh, my grandpa was handing them out," he shrugged as he held the stogie up to his lips and puffed a few times. It was fascinating to watch the little red ring around the end of the thing. And I couldn't deny that I was fascinated by the way his fingers lithely held it in place against his mouth. "You know I don't really smoke, I just needed to get outside and away from all of that," he said nodding towards the house.

"I know what you mean. I don't think I could take anymore fake smiles or boring conversations. Why do your parents invite those boring people into your house? I would rather pull teeth than hang out with your dad's friends."

"I honestly don't know," he sighed as he reached over to a small glass ashtray he'd placed upon the railing. He snubbed out the end of the cigar and propped it against the side before he took a few steps closer to me and turned his back to lean against the wood column next to me. "Now you know why I don't exactly want to follow in his footsteps. I couldn't stand being around that many fake people for more than like ten minutes a day. Maybe even that would be too much."

I pulled my wrap a little tighter around my shoulders and thanked Alice for letting me wear part of my hair down this evening. I could only imagine how biting the cold air would be against any more exposed skin. Of course that didn't stop her from making my stylist do some intricate twisting braid with the top part of my hair using a million bobby pins.

"How did your semester end up going?" I asked softly as I looked up into his eyes.

"It was school; I was on the dean's list again. Not that _he _cares about me being on the dean's list. He was always up my ass about my grades before I changed majors, and now he doesn't even bother asking. He just sighs and lets my mom deal with me." He averted his eyes for a moment and ran his fingers through his hair before he sighed heavily and leaned down toward me. "Is it out of line for me to tell you that I really like the way that dress hugs your hips?"

I swallowed heavily as Edward licked his lips and lowered his gaze to where my hands were fisted in the thick material covering my midsection. I tried to formulate a witty response to bite back with, but my mouth has suddenly become dry, making it impossible for me to speak. I shook my head slowly from side to side as I tried to keep my cheeks from betraying the effect his words were having on me.

His hand slowly reached for my shoulder as he situated himself more closely to my side. "You really do look lovely. It's taken all my strength to keep from touching you again every time I came close to you this evening."

I looked down to the ground as I processed his words. I was still wary about this whole thing. I _had _agreed to try being friends again with him, but I couldn't help but feel that we were lucky we hadn't been caught so far.

Alice obviously wasn't going to tell anyone, but I still didn't think that spending much time together was in either of our best interest. I still had to get up the courage to tell the lawyer to draft the motion for divorce. The drafts of the papers were still sitting in my messenger bag, disguised as a lesson plan. The last thing I needed was for Em to see something like that.

"You know why you can't touch me," I said softly, curling my toes inside the dangerously high heels I was still wearing, even though they pinched my feet.

I felt a tug at my chin as Edward placed his finger under it and angled my head towards him. "But that doesn't mean that I still don't want to. I _do_. So badly. It's hard to stay away from you when I know that I should."

I shivered, but not from the cold, at the intensity of his gaze, his eyes barely lit up by the lights on the side of the house, the green glinting at me enticingly. I could see the conflict in his eyes as he slowly leaned down toward me, regarding me like a scared deer, hoping I wouldn't run at the first sign of danger.

"I know I shouldn't and can't kiss you," he whispered as he got closer, his lips inching closer to my own. "But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to." With that, he closed the rest of the distance and lightly pressed his lips to mine, moving them so my bottom lip was nestled between his two larger ones.

I could barely feel the pressure of his skin against mine, but I could feel the energy pulsing between us as he slowly backed away and then moved in for more. His lips parted slightly, nudging mine to do the same, but a loud crackling noise from the yard made me jerk back away from him.

"Oh god," I breathed as I hugged my arms tighter around my torso and took a step back away from him.

"You can't just do that out here," I hissed at him as I shook my head and took a few more steps away from him. It's not that I didn't want him to kiss me, in fact, I'm pretty sure my subconscious was doing a little victory dance right now, but he knew he couldn't touch me here. It could have been disastrous for both of us. There were too many people inside of that house who knew who we were, and I'm pretty sure if they caught us kissing, all hell would break loose.

"Bella, wait," he whispered as I backed away from him. "Seriously, I'm sorry, I won't do that again." He held his hands up in surrender and took a step back, but I still needed to get away from him. I came outside to clear my head, and now I was more confused than ever. "I promise. I'll be on my best behavior."

"I….I can't," I stammered as I turned back to the house and jogged along the stone path as quickly as my heel clad feet would allow me. I didn't stop as I burst through the front door and turned to go up the large staircase in the entryway. I didn't even know where I was headed as I bolted up the steps, only stumbling slightly as I reached the top and turned the knob on the library door. The last thing that I needed was to be around people right now.

I was wired so tightly it was a surprise that my head didn't pop off. I still wasn't any better off now than I was a month ago, if anything, I was more confused. I was so tired to living in a constant state of anxiety. It was really wearing on me to have to be on edge all of the time.

Part of me wished that none of this had ever happened, but would I really be better off that way?

There was no denying it now. I was in love with him, not just lust. That didn't make it any easier for me. It just made it harder waiting. I felt like I was always playing this precarious game of getting and then retreating.

Edward knew how I felt about him, and I knew how he felt about me, but we still couldn't really do _anything_ about it.

I moved over to the window that overlooked the backyard, peering out into the dimly lit landscaping. I could barely make out the edge of the gazebo in the side yard, but I knew that he wasn't there anymore. The little glass ashtray was missing. He had gone inside as well.

I flexed my fingers absently as I tried not to think about what he might be doing downstairs. My fingers were still cold from being exposed to the elements, but my lips were burning. He always left me feeling like that. Like my skin was on fire from where he touched me.

There was something calming about this room. It technically was the place where I first saw Edward, but I think it had more to do with the contents of the room than the memories it held. The books, in large mahogany cases, spanning the whole length of two walls, all the way from the dark wood floor to the high ceiling, they were what held my attention. I felt like this room would always be my hiding place.

So much knowledge, so much fantasy, sometimes mixed into the same titles. There was a wide array of genre represented in the Cullen family library, but it was all valued the same to me. The written word was golden. So many centuries of words. There was something mysteriously sexy about knowing that all of these writers lived lives in a wide array of economic classes, countries, their experiences culminating into something tangible left behind for posterity.

The noise from the party downstairs was starting to increase and I knew it had to be getting close to midnight. I should probably have taken that as my cue to go downstairs and find my husband, who would be expecting a New Year's kiss, but I couldn't find it in myself to go. Knowing Emmett, he probably wouldn't notice until it was already over, or he would be the adorable momma's boy and seek out Esme to ring in the New Year.

Distancing myself from him and putting up the façade had been getting easier, the guilt over what I was doing subsiding marginally. We just didn't fit anymore, I knew it –recognized it for what it was – but Emmett really hadn't taken the time to notice things had changed. Maybe it was better this way, he would be free to find someone better suited to him, someone who would love his eccentricities instead of resenting them like I did.

I knew I was being a coward, and that the request for a divorce would blindside him completely, but it was better this way, for me. I could just blow up our life together and walk away. Emmett excelled in a crisis, he would be fine, but it was me I was worried about.

Edward was so optimistic that things would fall into place, but I knew it would never be that easy. He would always be either an outcast or my dirty little secret, and I didn't know if I could put myself through that. I also didn't know if I could stop either. Giving him up was always at the forefront of my mind, but I had never actually done it. He was always still there, within arms-reach, waiting for me to acknowledge him again.

Even now, as he was probably making the rounds downstairs, charming his relatives and family friends, if I called for him, he would come. He didn't deserve to be jerked around, but that was what I continued to do to him. I was delaying the inevitable. He needed to let me go.

"I wondered where you wandered off to." His whispered words sent a faint shiver down my spine and I turned my back to him, hoping he'd leave me alone.

"Just trying to get away from all of that," I said gesturing to the door, using his words from earlier. I hadn't noticed that he'd closed it behind him and affixed the latch. My mind began to swim as I considered his plans for me. He had a predatory gleam in his eye as he closed the distance between us.

Before I had even realized it, I was backed up against the shelves behind me, the lower encasement pressing into the backs of my thighs.

Edward was only a few steps away as I heard the volume increase once again downstairs, the countdown would be starting soon. It looked like he had come to claim his kiss to start the New Year. He always knew how to find me, and now I was trapped.

His arms came up to the bookshelf I was propped against on either side of my shoulders. He was boxing me in, trying to prevent my escape. Little did he know, there was nowhere else I would rather be at the moment.

I wanted him to kiss me again, I had been thinking about it –fantasizing about it – practically obsessing about it since kissing him in my car weeks ago. It was something I found myself thinking about far more than I should. The moment we had outside was just a taste of what I had been wanting.

"Were you hiding from me?" he whispered as he brought one of his feet in between mine and nudged them apart so his thigh was pressing lightly against me.

I shook my head, but he smiled and cocked an eyebrow at my response, calling my bluff.

"Why were you hiding, Bella?" he asked as he leaned down and ran his nose along the side of my head, inhaling as he nuzzled my hair. "Did you not want to give me a new year's kiss?"

I swallowed noisily and shrugged my shoulders. Denying it would be lying, but I wasn't ready to admit that to him. I was supposed to be distancing myself from him, only allowing friendship – nothing more –but apparently I was failing at that as well.

"We shouldn't," my voice was nothing more than a breathy sigh. I didn't even sound convincing to myself.

"Oh we absolutely _should_," he murmured as he moved one of his hands to run down my side. His touch was soft, yet possessive, he knew exactly how to coax a response out of my body.

"Edward," I let out a startled whine when his hand began to blaze a trail under the hem of my dress, finally skimming on the drenched piece of satin that was my only defense against him. His brazen disregard for my protests were doing nothing more than making me even more aroused, and when his fingers pulled the scrap of fabric aside and slipped inside of me, I gave up the will to fight.

His kiss was strong and he invaded my mouth with his tongue in a way that was much more aggressive than I was used to from him. I didn't know whether it was the alcohol or his touch, but it didn't take much for my mind to swim. My head fell back against the books on the shelf behind me as I gave in and opened myself up to him.

My orgasm took me completely by surprise, my back arching and a silent cry falling from my lips. Even though I was lost in the sensations he was creating in my body, I was still mindful to be quiet.

The only sounds in the room as the ringing in my ears subsided were the rustling of fabric as he pulled me up to his chest so he could hike my dress around my waist and the clanking of his belt as he freed himself.

I could hear the crinkle of a wrapper, and smiled at his forethought. I would have hated to explain any mysterious marks on my dress. Before I could waste anymore thought on it, I could feel him at my entrance, heavy and hard.

_Oh fuck…_

"Shhhh, baby," he murmured as he sucked at the pulse point on my neck. I was faintly worried that he would leave a mark, but I knew he was smarter than that.

I thought I was going to hyperventilate as he lined himself up and began to push inside of me. He was so hard, stretching me to accommodate him as he slipped in. It was uncomfortable as he settled into me; it had been awhile since we had last been together.

I quickly forgot the discomfort as he began to rock against me, hitting me in places I'd forgotten existed.

Edward's mouth returned to mine as he clasped one of my hands and began to raise it up over my head. He pinned our joined hands up over my head as he pressed me harder against the casing behind me. I was completely surrounded by him as he continued to piston his hips into me, pushing me closer and closer with each of his movements.

I could hear the noise from the party downstairs in as a dull roar in my ears that seemed to get louder and louder.

The slicked fingers of Edward's other hand began to rub a tight circle where we were joined. I could hear the shouts ringing in the New Year, struggling to stifle my own shouts of joy for an entirely different reason.

"Happy New Year," Edward panted as he pulled back from me and looked into my eyes. I could see the strain in his neck and knew that he was close as I began to convulse around him.

Edward's pupils dilated completely in my hazy vision before he let out a grunt and his sweaty forehead fell against my neck.

"That was some kiss," I whispered as I brought my hand to run through the back of his hair.

He chuckled as he began to kiss up my chest and neck, stopping to kiss behind my ear. "Yes, yes it was."

We were both quiet for a moment before he backed away from me. I whimpered slightly as he slipped out of me, knowing it might be the last time that I felt him inside of me.

I could hear car engines starting up outside of the house and realized that our time together was sadly coming to an end.

We both went into the motions of straightening ourselves out, although if Edward's was any indication, my hair would probably be a dead giveaway.

Figuring that since we were staying here tonight and I could claim that I was tired of it being up, I began to remove all of the pins from the top of my hair, sending it all cascading down my back. As I finished my task, I could see Edward taking it all in with a darkening stare.

He approached me slowly in long strides, backing me up against the bookcases again, boxing me in with his hands on either side of me.

"I don't want to stay away from you anymore, Bella," he whispered as he tucked a curl behind my ear.

I looked deep into his eyes and saw myself reflected back, he was feeling just as desperate as I was, and I knew I could never keep him away again and mean it without breaking my own heart as well as his. I had no idea how this was going to turn out, but I could only hope we both wouldn't be destroyed in the process.

"Then don't."

It was a whispered plea before I pushed him away from me and strode out the door, knowing that if I stayed near him I would give in to his body again.

As I descended the steps back into the party that was slowly winding down, I hoped he took me seriously and didn't stay away anymore. I was tired of trying so hard to hide from him.

I could only pray that whatever life threw at me next would not derail my plans.

* * *

**So I obviously dropped the ball on getting chapters out quicker, RL always seems to get in the way as well as writer's block...that being said, I have worked hard over the last few months and have finished this chapter and the next four completely. I am going to post one chapter a week until I run out, hopefully by then I will have a few more past that done. We are at the halfway mark in the story now, and I have to warn some of you that it gets a little rough after the next chapter. I made Caren threaten to put her head in the oven on Chapter 13, so just be prepared if you are not a fan of the angst.**

**There will probably be 19 chapters and then an epi. It could probably be called a future-take, but it'll tie up a few loose ends too. **

**Thank you so much to those of you who are still reading. I know that it sucks when authors don't update for months at a time, but I am trying to get this story finished for you all. It'll be nice to have it all out of my head and finally on paper. See you next Sunday, and hope you all enjoy.**

**Brotherly Devotion is up for fic of the week for 10/31-11/5 at The Lemonade Stand http: / / tehlemonadestand ( . ) blogspot ( . ) com / (take out spaces) Go vote now!**


	13. Ducks in a Row

**Disclaimer: Don't own twilight, but do own a new drywall patching kit for fixing where Toddler P felt the need to chew on my wall... :facepalm:**

**Thanks to the awesome ladies who pre-read for me. They make my writer's stage fright go away. Beegurl13 is the one who keeps me motivated to write and Carenl/nerac is the one who keeps my that-a-holic tendencies under control and curses at me for leaving her hanging. :D**

**Calm before the storm, people...**

* * *

**Chapter 12: Ducks in a Row**

The few days between the start of the New Year and when school was slated to resume session were a whirlwind. I couldn't even sit still long enough to make it to the coffee shop to see Edward.

He had been texting me every morning, sending a picture message of him sitting on the old battered couch by himself with a comical frown on his face. I wanted so badly to go and see him. Things had definitely changed between us since the party and how we came together in the library. My cheeks still flashed with warmth when I thought about it.

Even so, I just didn't have time. I was so busy throwing together my portfolio for my upcoming set of interviews with the principal and the faculty panel at school. If everything went as planned, I would have a full time permanent position when school came back the next Monday. Everything was coming together.

This time next month, I would have a permanent source of income, hopefully my own apartment, and I would have given Emmett the papers that would change my life. I will finally be on my own and free from everything that had been suffocating me for the past several years.

It was saddening, overwhelming, but most of all, I could just feel the impending sense of relief.

"Hey, Bells," I startled slightly as Emmett leaned over the back of the couch. Luckily I was able to snap my laptop closed before he noticed. There may have been realty websites up in the background of my sample lesson plans.

"Hey," I smiled half-heartedly up at him as he leaned over me. His face came down toward mine and I shifted at the last second so his lips hit my forehead instead of my mouth. If he found this odd, he didn't let on. _Thankfully._

"So I wanted to check in with you before I left to go into the office." He seemed slightly nervous, but I could guess it was just because he knew I didn't like it when he spent so much time at the office on the weekends. In the past I probably would have sulked or snapped at him, but I just couldn't find it in me to put in the effort anymore.

"Ok?"

"I'll probably be back before dinner, but if not I'll call. The team is just putting together the last of the marketing packets before the big presentation next week. The interns have it mostly all taken care of, but I still need to be there to supervise everything…."

I absentmindedly tapped my fingers across the top of the laptop casing, trying to pay attention as he felt the need to tell me his agenda for the whole day. He _had _been trying to talk to me more since Christmas, but it was already too late. He was talking to me about all the wrong things. Whenever I tried to change the subject from the mundane, he closed up again and fled.

Emmett just didn't understand that our problems were already insurmountable to me. I wasn't invested in trying to make it work, and I could tell that his actions were just platitudes. He may have been talking the talk, but there was still a disconnect between us. He was working too hard and distracted, and I was sneaking around behind his back getting everything into place for when I told him that I was leaving him.

I had tried so hard to tell him that I didn't want this anymore, but it was like talking to a brick wall. He had an empty solution to everything. He wasn't actually listening to a word I said.

"Have a good day," I called out as I flipped the lid back open on my computer and resumed looking at potential apartments. I had found a few that I liked, which weren't too far from school on the opposite side of Lincoln Park.

I knew that Chicago was a big place, but I didn't want to live in the same neighborhood as Emmett. He might sell the brownstone once I left, but there were no guarantees and I had no desire to casually run into him at the supermarket. There was no way to completely cut him out of my life permanently if Edward was still in the picture, but I didn't want to see him if I didn't have to.

It was going to be strange to cut someone who had been such a huge part of my life out of it, but I didn't know how to stay in contact with my ex-husband. I knew there were people who kept in contact with their ex's all the time, but usually those relationships involved a common tie such as a child. We didn't even own a pet together.

Edward would be our only common link, but I had a feeling their relationship would probably finally sever along with the divorce. It felt like I was asking Edward to give up so much of his life to be with me, but I couldn't imagine living life without him now.

I was attached, I was in love with him, and I knew if we were separated I would never be the same. That was why the steps I was taking now were so important.

Finally deciding on a list of properties that I wanted to see, I called my real estate agent who could fit me in the next afternoon to see almost my entire list. She was a divorcee herself, so she knew how precarious these situations could be. The only contact she had for me was my cell phone, I didn't want to risk Em coming across an email and putting the pieces together.

I hated being so deceitful and lying about my whereabouts, but as far as Emmett knew, I was going to be meeting with my department head at the school tomorrow, even though my interview wasn't until the day after. It seemed like everyone we knew somehow had a connection back to him, so I couldn't say I was meeting any of my friends or acquaintances. I didn't even want to say I was meeting with Alice, because she lived with Rose.

By the time Emmett returned from work, I had finished getting all of my ducks in a row to set things in motion.

I was going to see apartments the following day, I had my interview the day after that, and I finally sent the email to the lawyer to get the final papers drawn up. If everything went as planned, I could pick them up myself or have them served by the end of the following week. It seemed that in two weeks' time I might be living an entirely different life.

Dinner was quiet but pleasant, and I tried not to be surprised when Emmett told me he would be in meetings for the next few days with James and Ben. It seemed they had obtained a new contract that needed to be started sooner rather than later, so they would be working all week and through the weekend getting their team prepped. I knew that his promise to actually take his vacation would never pan out, but that ended up working out for the best. He would be too busy to question my absence over the next few days.

Edward texted me after Emmett went to bed early claiming a headache. I had been aimlessly wandering the internet, looking at furniture that I hoped to be able to afford if I got the job at the school.

**Interviews tomorrow? Vic said the hiring panel was meeting the next few days.**

_**Nope, day after. Tomorrow is apartments.**_

**Can I come?**

_**I dunno, can you? ;)**_

***Growl* Be a good girl, Bella.**

_**Fine, meet me for coffee at noon. Apt at 1:15 with realtor.**_

**Look forward to seeing you there. :D Wear a skirt?**

_**Who's being bad now? See you tomorrow.**_

I quickly deleted the message before I closed my phone. I had been getting into the habit of deleting my conversations with him from my phone. Emmett could very well fight me about the divorce, and I didn't need to give him any reason to suspect infidelity. I just wanted everything over with as soon as possible.

I already wasn't looking forward to the minimum six month separation before a divorce could be granted; I didn't want to add any time to that by having to go through mediation or having to go to court.

*** BD ***

The next morning I woke up early to an empty bed. Emmett was already long gone, and I felt mildly guilty that I was happy not to have any awkward early morning interactions.

Deciding that I had been slacking off on my exercise lately, I braved the cold for a jog through the park. It was freezing, but the sidewalks were clear since it hadn't snowed for the last few days. I couldn't wait until the city started to thaw in a few months – the flowers in the park were always so pretty in the spring – but I sadly realized that I wouldn't be running here anymore in a few months.

I found myself trying to take in every detail of the area that I would miss. It wasn't like I was going very far from here, but I knew I would never call this area home again. There were too many memories here, good and bad, that would taint it forever.

By the time I made it back home, there was just enough time for me to take a long, warm shower before I had to leave to meet Edward.

As I rubbed the soap over my skin that was still flushed from the cold, I found my hands lingering on my breasts, slowly working the suds into my sensitive nipples. Edward found his way into my thoughts as my hands ran over my abdomen and further down.

I should have felt guilty touching myself in the shower that Emmett used every day to images of Edward, but all I felt was pleasure. I had been so worked up before we had sex on New Year's and now I felt myself craving Edward's long fingers instead of my own.

As I panted through my orgasm with my forehead against the cool tiles in the shower, I found myself wanting him even more. I knew that we had to keep today's interactions friendly, but I couldn't deny that I hoped we found some time to be completely alone.

The smile never left my face as I went through the motions of getting ready, making sure to put a little extra curl in my hair, and putting on the makeup that I rarely wore anymore. I knew things were still complicated, but I had started to hope that eventually things would be alright.

Edward was leaned back in one corner of that old purple couch at the Bourgeois Pig; his hair was as riotous as ever, one leg crooked up onto the cushion as the other tapped out an unknown rhythm on the wooden floor. If I didn't already know him, his looks would have intimidated and I would have been driven away by his subtle beauty.

I knew he was desirable, I knew that Edward could have any woman he wanted, but for some strange reason, he seemed to want me. I was growing tired of second guessing him, and if I didn't get things together, he would eventually tire of waiting for me, but for now, he could be mine if I wanted him to be.

_And god did I want that….._

There were two steaming to-go cups on the table in front of him, and a worn out leather messenger bag at his feet, I knew it was probably full of sheet music, but I wondered if I was keeping him from doing something more interesting than scoping out apartments.

"Hi," I whispered as I stood at the arm of the couch, noticing now that his eyes were closed and he had ear buds in. It seemed like he could never go far without his iPod. He needed music like most people needed coffee.

He hummed lowly as he opened his eyes and stretched his arms up over his head. The smile on his face when he saw me made my heart jump a little. No one had ever looked at me quite like he did. It was both exhilarating and unnerving at the same time.

"So you listened," he mused as he reached back to toy with the hem of my skirt. I had indeed worn a skirt, but he seemed disappointed when he noticed that my legs were covered underneath.

It _was_ January in Chicago; I didn't have a desire to freeze myself while we walked back to my car. I wore a set of warm cable knit leggings underneath my knee length black wool skirt, my black leather boots almost touching the hem. I knew that I didn't need to dress up to go look at apartments I was going to rent – not buy – but I decided to look presentable nonetheless.

"You didn't say I couldn't wear anything underneath," I smirked as I ruffled his hair.

"Hey," he scowled. "Don't touch the hair; it takes forever for me to get it to behave."

"That's behaving," I chuckled as I noticed that his hair seemed to have gotten longer over the winter. It was starting to resemble a lion's mane, especially when he tugged at it as much as he did.

"I don't mess with your hair," he teased as he stood to his full height and playfully reached over to tug on a curl at the back of my head. "You look nice today."

I couldn't help it as my cheeks flamed at his compliment. It got even worse when he leaned over to give me a chaste kiss on the corner of my jaw. I could tell by the way he was staring at my lips as he pulled away that it wasn't what he wanted, but I appreciated his control in a public setting.

"So where are we off to?" he asked as he gathered up his things and slung his bag over his shoulder.

I gathered up both cups from the table, handing him the one that didn't smell like a vat of sugar. That one was mine.

"Just ten minutes south. Most of them are on the other side of the school, but still within walking distance if I need them to be."

He frowned as he took in the meaning of my words.

"He won't leave you penniless, Bella."

I shrugged as I turned away from him. Being penniless would be the nicest thing that Em could do to me if things got ugly. I didn't want to worry about all of the possibilities, but I wasn't going to be naïve either. I was still feeling guilty about the fact that he may find out about what had been happening with Edward. I knew that the honorable thing would be to tell him there was someone else, but I wasn't sure if that was more cruel than fair.

"Hey," he grabbed my hand before I walked away from him and tugged me back into his chest. "I won't let you struggle if I can help it. I know that we don't always get along – me and Em – but if he tries to screw you over, I will step into things."

I shook my head as I looked back over my shoulder at him. "You don't need to be in the middle of this. I made my bed, and I have to lie in it, Edward. You aren't my savior, and I have to prepare for reality, not some romanticized hope that everything will be sunshine and rainbows."

He didn't seem to like it when I wrenched out of his hold, but he didn't fight me, following me silently out the door and down the block to where I had left my car. I wasn't going to be disconnected from reality anymore, I knew what the consequences for my situation were, and I also wasn't going to set myself up to fail.

It was quiet the whole way to the first appointment. I never turned on the radio, and stared straight out the windshield as I drove. I could feel his eyes on me, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind to get into it with him. There were a lot of things we were going to need to talk about in the coming weeks, but now was not the time to be bringing them up.

Heidi was waiting in her car outside of the first building, and I had to admit I was skeptical. The neighborhood didn't look bad, per se, but it did put me on edge. There was a lot of fresh graffiti in some places, and the small yards in some of the row houses down the road didn't look like they were taken care of.

"I know, I know," she chirped as she stepped out of her shiny red Mini Cooper. That was another thing, I knew I couldn't afford to buy a parking space and my car would stick out like a sore thumb if I actually got to keep it. "This neighborhood is transitioning, the whole building has been rehabbed but there is still a lot of work to be done. In a few years, this will be a whole new area."

I was sure that she was right, but I was going to be living by myself, possibly driving an expensive car, and if I wanted to walk home from work, I didn't want to have to arm myself to get there safely.

"Just keep an open mind, Bella. The open units are turning out to be really gorgeous." As Edward joined me on the sidewalk, her eyes seemed to widen before an almost predatory grin appeared. "And you are?"

I fought the urge to growl at her as she extended her hand out to shake his. "Edward."

He didn't look impressed as he practically wrenched his hand from hers, wiping it discreetly on his jeans as he stepped in directly behind me.

"Nice to meet you, Edward. Glad that you could join us today." She aimed a questioning look at me, but I wasn't about to explain who he was, nor facilitate further communication between them. Heidi Cantore was a man eating cougar, and I wasn't about to let her set her sights on my….. well, whatever he was.

Edward's expression was almost comical as we walked in the doors.

"No controlled entry?" he asked as he interrupted the eye-fucking that he seemed to be getting from my agent.

"It's on the improvement plans from the developer, but no, as of now there aren't any limitations on who can get into the building."

I could see his jaw clench in irritation, I knew he was worried about my safety, but with a teacher's salary, I was probably going to be lucky to afford a shoebox studio apartment with no kitchen in our current neighborhood. If I was going to find something I could live in, I was going to have to travel outside of my comfort zone.

As she opened the door, I could see why she wanted to show me this place, it had a gorgeous, completely redone kitchen with solid surface countertops and cherry cabinets. The appliances looked to be older, but still in working order; and it had a dishwasher. That was something I was surprised to see as a hot commodity in my price range.

The bedroom was small, probably big enough for a full size bed and a night stand, the closet was about the size of my coat closet in the brownstone, but it was what I could afford on my own.

Edward laughed out loud as he took in the bathroom, and I could admit I saw why he was. I could barely sit on the toilet without straddling the door, and the shower was a tiny stall barely big enough for him to even fit in, much less use. I couldn't see him here, at all. This place wasn't going to work.

I think Heidi could tell that I was less than impressed as we met her back in the kitchen. "No?"

Shaking my head, I answered what Edward and I had come to a silent agreement upon. "No."

"The next place is a little more expensive than this one, but this was at the low point of your budget. I figured we could work our way up to your bottom line, so you knew what else was out there in your price range."

We probably could have walked to the next apartment, it was only a few blocks away, but it was turning into a blustery cold day, and I think none of us wanted to freeze walking back and forth.

Edward plugged in his iPod and quickly pulled up some soft guitar music, occasionally accompanied by a lone piano. It was sort of somber music, but as the songs progressed, they seemed to blossom into something that made me feel warm inside.

I looked toward him in askance, but he just shrugged his shoulders before taking my hand and leaning his head back to look out the window.

The next two apartments were a bust, and by the time we got through to the last one of the day, I was a little disheartened. If this was what I could afford, was staying in Chicago really in my best interest?

As we approached the gleaming doors on the last building, I could feel Edward's sigh of relief when he spied a digital lock with a card swipe that Heidi had to use before entering the foyer. I was even surprised when the five story building even had a small elevator. It was a tight fit to the top floor with the three of us, but still, it was an elevator to a fifth floor apartment. That would make moving in so much easier.

By the time we had taken the tour, I was actually excited at the prospect. It was clean, it had new fixtures, the kitchen was tiny, but I would be living by myself anyways. The view left something to be desired, looking at the brick face of the building next to it, but in a few weeks, it could be mine.

"What do you think?" I whispered as I pulled Edward back into the small bedroom.

He pursed his lips before he smiled. "It's small, but I can see it working for you."

I nodded as I reached forward to squeeze his hand. "Do you think I'm crazy for doing this?"

Edward pulled me forward by the hand until he was looking directly down into my face. "No, I think you're incredibly brave." He leaned down and nuzzled my hair as his thumb caressed the back of my hand. "And I think you might be able to fit a queen sized bed in here."

I pushed him back playfully, sticking my tongue out at him. "You wish."

He nodded wiggling his eyebrows, "I do. It'll work, for a while."

"And what happens after a while?"

He shrugged as he looked me in the eye. "Why waste the rent on two apartments when I'm going to have to move this summer anyways?"

I tried not to hyperventilate as his implications sunk in. He wanted me to live here until he needed to find a new apartment when Jasper moved out at the end of the semester. Then…then he wanted me to find a new one _with_ him.

"We'll see," I forced out with a croak in my voice.

He didn't look fazed that I didn't say I wanted to live with him too. I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted. "Yup. We'll see." He turned around and left me there to watch him walk away.

I took a few deep breaths and waited for my pulse to stop hammering in my ears before I rejoined him and Heidi out in the tiny living/dining room.

Edward helped me fill out the housing application, and Heidi promised to hold onto it until I called her later in the week. I needed to actually get the job before I secured an apartment, but I sincerely hoped that I would be calling her to tell her to turn it in.

Once we were done, Edward and I decided that we should probably part ways, even though he begged me to have dinner with him. I still needed to get some things together for my interviews, and we still weren't free to be seen out in public together yet.

"You'll call to let me know, tomorrow, right?"

I turned in my seat to face him. I was parked in the lot behind his building, but he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to get out of the car.

"Of course, but I don't even know if they'll tell me right away. I know that my department head told me they were interviewing me last, but I don't want to assume anything. It could be a day or two before I hear anything."

He nodded and leaned forward, placing one of his hands on top of where mine were resting in my lap.

"I know you're gonna be great. I won't say good luck, because you won't need it, but I hope you know that I have faith in you."

I nodded and looked down as he put his other hand on the back of my neck and pulled my head toward his waiting lips. Even kisses on the forehead gave me a jolt, but I tried to remain composed as he released me and reached behind his seat to grab his bag.

After he closed the door behind him, I drove home in a daze and went through the motions of eating and getting myself ready for bed before I printed out what I hadn't yet and put everything into my portfolio and bag for the morning.

I went to bed before Emmett even got home, and barely noticed when I heard the shower start sometime later, falling back to sleep before he joined me in bed. I knew that I was going to have to face him soon, but until then, I wasn't going to break the status quo. I wouldn't have to go through the motions much longer.

*** BD ***

One would think knowing my track record, that I would be a mess the next morning getting ready for my interview and inevitably running late for everything. That was what my luck usually was. Whenever something important was happening, there was drama following me around.

I was pleasantly surprised when I woke up three hours earlier than I needed to leave, to a blissfully quiet house.

Em was gone again without a memorable goodbye, and I actually relaxed when I realized I wouldn't have to see his disapproval of my pursing the job. He was resigned to the fact that he couldn't stop me, he was smart enough to realize that, but he still didn't want me doing it. Little did he know he wouldn't be a part of making my decisions from now on.

I took a leisurely bath, enjoying what could be my last time soaking in the garden tub in the bathroom. I had set an alarm on my phone so I didn't get too distracted and laid my head back and just relaxed.

My thoughts lingered on the chaos that my life was about to become, but I was secure in the knowledge that I could get through it on my own. I _would_ get through it. For once I was going to live my life instead of letting everyone else do it for me.

The only point of true worry for my future came in my relationship with Edward. I could see every other aspect of my life falling into place once I got the job, but I still couldn't see where things were going with him.

I knew he was serious about his feelings. I knew that he loved me. I just didn't know how a real relationship was possible. We were still too close to his family. In order for us to really be together, it might mean him permanently walking away from them, and I didn't want to be responsible for him cutting ties with his family. I guess it just came down to the fact that I wasn't sure if there was a place for us to be in each other's lives in the big picture.

Could I imagine him in my life say, ten years from now…..I honestly had no idea.

In an ideal world, we would ride off into the sunset together, but I wasn't sure that our happy ending existed. Did I want to try to make things work? Yes. A thousand times yes. But I knew that sometimes things fell apart when you least expected it.

Another idea that I had been toying with was leaving Chicago. I wasn't sure how he would feel about that, or even where I would go. I knew that I needed to get back on my feet and probably work for a few years before I made a move, but I knew I no longer saw Chicago in my long term plans.

It had been my home for the last ten years, and I loved the city, but it was probably time for me to move on.

A ping from my cell phone startled me, and I quickly reached over the side of the tub to dry off my hands before I picked it up.

I smiled as I realized it was a text from Edward.

**Go to your front door.**

_**Can't right now, kinda naked…..**_

**JFC, Bella. Just unlock the door. I'll deliver my surprise myself.**

I toyed with the idea of letting him in just to see what he would do, and more importantly what that surprise was, but it just felt wrong letting him in here. We had obviously broken and stomped all over my wedding vows, but it would be so much worse if I let something happen where Emmett lived.

_**Just leave it on the steps, and thank you, for whatever it is. :D**_

**Good luck, you're going to be amazing.**

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face as I climbed out of the tub and quickly dried myself off; tying my robe securely closed before I went to see what Edward left me. He was really going out of his way to let me know that he was there for me.

As I peeked around the front door, I could see a travel coffee mug and a brown paper bag sitting on the mat next to the paper. I found myself wondering if Edward was still close enough to see me lean out the door and pluck up his presents, but I still knew that seeking him out right now wouldn't be the prudent thing to do.

Making sure to lock the door quickly, I headed toward the kitchen and moaned when I peeked inside of the little brown bag.

Edward had brought me the little honey glazed croissants they sold at the coffee shop. He knew I had a mild addiction to the things, and I'd missed them in the past few months when I'd been avoiding going there. That place was such a large part of the development of our relationship and it hurt going there while I was trying to stay away from him.

I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my robe and fired off a text to Edward thanking him before I propped myself on the couch and thumbed through the paper while enjoying my coffee and croissants.

He had definitely put me in a good mood to start the day.

By the time I had finished my coffee, the alarm on my phone was going off and I made my way back into the master bathroom to get ready.

I could feel the nerves rising as I ran some product through my natural curls, not bothering with the straightening iron.

It was natural for me to be nervous on a day like this, but I just kept reminding myself that I could do this. The school already liked me and I had proven that I could handle the courses in which I would be in charge of. My job history was the only place where I was lacking, but I knew that most of the other applicants were first year teachers anyways.

I was almost glad I had decided not to work on my Master's because that would work at a disadvantage with no work history to fall back on. Secondary education was the one field where you didn't want to have too much education just starting out. You'd think that they would want their teachers to be as educated as possible, but with standardized pay scales, you didn't want to price yourself out of the market.

"You can do this," I told myself in the mirror after I finished getting dressed. I definitely looked the part in my tailored suit, the skirt a respectable knee length pencil. That was one thing I was grateful I had invested in. I had a very professional wardrobe to prepare me for this job. I hoped that would set me apart from the younger applicants who didn't realize that dressing the part could guarantee you the job sometimes.

The drive to the school was traffic free, and I turned off the radio to use the quiet to get myself in the zone.

By the time I was parked and pulling my materials out of the back seat, I was pleasantly surprised to see the sun peeking out of the clouds. I hoped this was a sign that things were going to go my way.

The principal was the first person I saw as I made my way toward the conference room in the main office I knew they were using for staff interviews this week. There was at least one more position that had come up at the last minute they needed to fill for the new semester.

Coming in as a new teacher halfway through the school year could sometimes be a trial by fire, but I was looking forward to the challenge. My substitute job had prepared me for the environment, so I was pretty confident I could really thrive at this school.

"Mrs. Cullen," he smiled as he reached forward to shake my hand. I quickly transferred all of my materials to my left hand and gave him a firm shake. That was one thing that Charlie prided himself in, knowing he sent me off to college able to give a real handshake.

"Mr. Haines. It's a pleasure to see you again. I hope your holidays were good?"

He nodded as he turned to the side and waved for me to go into the room in front of him.

"Very much so. It was great to see my grandkids up from Georgia. They headed home yesterday. I haven't quite adjusted back to the quiet yet."

"Well, I'm sure you'll get your share of noise once classes resume."

"I'm surprised to admit that teenagers are a piece of cake compared to two toddlers and a five year old running around my house. I'm not as young as I like to pretend."

I laughed as I placed my things down on the small table at the front of the room and looked to see who else I would be meeting with.

The English Department head, Mrs. Gardner, was seated just to the right of the empty chair at the center of the far side of the conference table, and another woman who I recognized as a member of the school board on her right. There was also a man who I hadn't seen before on the other side of the empty chair, but he was smiling warmly at me, so he didn't look too threatening.

"Have a seat, Mrs. Cullen." Mr. Haines pointed to the side of the conference table closest to me and then walked around to the other side. After he'd gotten settled, he opened up the binder in front of him and flipped through several pages before looking back in my direction.

"Alright, let's get introductions out of the way before we get started. You know Mrs. Gardner and myself. Over to your left is Mr. Barnes, he's the assistant superintendent of schools for this district, and to your right is Mrs. Jones, she's a member of the current school board. They're both here to help form the hiring panel for this semester."

I tried not to fidget as he started talking; taking deep breaths to keep myself calm. I wasn't going to psyche myself out. I was more than capable of getting and doing this job and that was what I was here to prove.

"First, we're going to go over what exactly this full time position entails, the salary, and finally we'll open up the floor for you to show us your portfolio and any other items you feel will show us that you're qualified for the job. Then once you're done, we'll ask you some questions. Some of it was covered in the meeting we had when you were hired as the long term sub for the previous teacher in this position, but there are also some new things that we would like to find out from you before we make a decision. Do you have any questions?"

I shook my head and he began to go over the job, which I already knew most of, but then I was pleasantly surprised to find out that since this position covered an AP course now, there would also be a small salary boost. It wasn't much, but every little bit would make the difference for me.

"Now, we'll look at your portfolio. I want you to tell us a little more about yourself, things one might not find in a resume, and then we'll get to the questions."

I stood up from my seat and gathered my things from the table by the door, trying not to do anything stupid like stumbling on my way back over.

Mr. Haines seemed impressed that I had made four copies of most of my materials, knowing that it was a four person panel. I handed each person a binder, and then pulled out my course appraisals from my teaching experiences in college, and also some samples of the interdisciplinary projects I had compiled. I knew that this school was big with cooperation between the departments, so I knew those were something they would want to see.

I managed not to stutter as I talked about myself, explaining why I had been out of the work force for such an extended period. Mrs. Jones made me feel a little more at ease about it as she briefly told me about how she had stayed at home for her family for over ten years before becoming active in the school systems and subsequently the school board.

They all seemed impressed with my materials, and asked some detailed questions about the projects, trying to get a better feel for my teaching style, and what my expectations were of my future students.

Mr. Haines and Mrs. Gardner explained to the others about my substitute experiences, where I had apparently garnered exceptional student appraisals before we left for break. I wasn't even aware that they had given my classes teacher appraisals, but I was happy that they had. I had a great group of students first semester, and I knew they all seemed to warm up to me better than I expected.

I breezed through the question round and stayed calm the entire time, answering their questions in a professional manner and making sure to keep good eye contact.

By the time they asked me to step out into the hallway so they could speak privately, I was practically bouncing with excitement. I really wanted this job, and I hoped they could see that.

Mrs. Cope came into the office while I was waiting, and we chatted about her holidays away with her family. She had gone to Florida to see her niece, and I was jealous that she had gotten away from the bitter cold in Chicago.

"So which classroom are they assigning you this semester?"

"Um, well. I haven't gotten the job yet," I smiled at her bluntness; she never was one to mince words.

"Ask for 32A. I know Mr. Cleaven was in there last semester, but he would love it if you traded him for the empty one that has the bathroom in it. He's weird about germs sometimes. I know he seems like he's permanently cranky, but he's just bitter about Mrs. Gardner getting the department head position over him. He's been here longer, but he's not exactly known for his people skills." I swear; this woman knew everything that went on in this school. If you asked her about a person, she could tell you in two minutes everything you'd need to know about them.

"Thanks for the tip. I hope I get to use it."

She reached forward and patted my hand, smiling kindly at me. "Oh, dear. You know you will. They already love you, and if that poor girl with the pink hair that was in here yesterday was your competition, then I think you've got it in the bag."

"Pink hair?"

"The darn girl looked like rainbow brite crossed with a chia pet. I know hair dyeing is all the rage these days, but does she not know how to use a straightening iron? Don't even get me started on the guy who smelled like fried chicken. He even had grease stains on his shirt."

I laughed as she shuddered in disgust and found myself praying that all the other applicants were just as appalling. I couldn't believe someone thought that it would be a good idea to come to a job interview in a school with their hair dyed pink.

"Mrs. Cullen?" I heard from behind me as I tried to stifle my giggles.

I quickly composed myself and stood, running my hands down the front of my skirt to smooth it out as I turned around.

As I made eye contact with Mr. Haines, I could see that he was holding in a smile. He must have heard our conversation. I couldn't see him being impressed by strange hair dyeing practices, and bad personal hygiene.

I followed him back into the conference room and took my seat across from the panel again, hoping by the calm smiles on their faces, they had good news.

"So, as you know. We are making this decision quickly, because the term resumes next Monday and we want to get the new teacher in as soon as possible."

I nodded and he continued.

"We interviewed the rest of the applicants yesterday, and while they were all more than qualified for this job, not one of them demonstrated the professionalism that you did during your interview. We are looking for a new teacher who can maintain the boundary of being professional and still get through to the students on a personal level. During your short employment here last semester, you showed us that you're capable of doing just that."

My leg was practically jumping underneath the table as I listened to Mr. Haines talk. It wasn't nerves this time, but excitement. I knew this speech was just a warm up for the job offer that I was certain was coming.

"The panel had considered taking an extended amount of time to go over all of the applicants and really talk out all of the possibilities before we made a decision, but after today, I don't believe that will be necessary."

I nodded and kept my face neutral as he looked toward the others for confirmation.

_Here it comes…._

"Mrs. Cullen, we would like to extend to you an offer to come teach with us. We feel you would be a valuable addition to our staff, and look forward to seeing what kind of an impact you can make on our student's lives. What do you say….are you ready to join us?" He held his hand out toward me across the table, and I had to stop myself from jumping over it and hugging him.

I couldn't stop the smile as politely clasped his hand. "I would be honored to work for you, Sir."

"Excellent. Okay, Margie here will go over your contract with you, and I expect a copy of it signed on my desk by the end of the week. There are also some payroll forms I need to get from my office, if you'll excuse me."

Mrs. Jones – Margie I was guessing – leaned across the conference table and laid out a folder in front of me. It had a copy of my contract, information about the teacher's union, and a few other informational items about working for the school district.

She quickly went over everything with me, advising me to have a lawyer look over the contract if I needed further clarification on anything.

Once Mr. Haines came back, the four of them congratulated me and then before I knew it, I was packing up my things to leave.

My day couldn't possibly get any better. Or at least that's what I thought.

* * *

**Thanks for all the wonderful feedback and support with the new chapters! I love you guys and am thankful that you haven't all flounced for my schedule up till now. I'm working on the last few chapters, so still expect Sunday updates until this baby is done... :D**

**Go out and buy your panties of various purposes for next week, you're gonna need em. **


	14. And We All Fall Down

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do have a billion pieces of plasticware all over my house…..I don't know why I bother buying toys….. :D**

**Alrighty people, strap on your hardhats and get out your panties, both a change of and some of the big girl variety. This chapter is all over the place so you may need a fan, some tissues or a bat…..your choice :D**

**For those of you who are not fans of angst, you may want to wait until Chapters 16-17 to resume reading. It's gonna get rough for a while.**

**I am not a medical expert, so anything medically related in this chapter that is incorrect is due to the internet…..I blame it all on the internet. **

**Big thanks yet again to my pre-readers: Beegurl13 for always being there to look at a chapter when I am being a weirdo and making time for me in her busy schedule. Carenl/nerac for catching all my little mistakes and helping me pick teasers. You are both awesome, and I'm sorry for making one of you threaten to off herself….. don't worry, it will get better...**

**Here we go…..**

* * *

**Chapter 13: And We All Fall Down…**

As I walked out of the main office of the school, I was floating on cloud nine. I had a job. I _got_ the job, all on my own, no help, they wanted me, they wanted _me._

The fates must have aligned and made everything fall perfectly into place, because when I walked out to my car in the parking lot, my favorite person was leaning against the passenger side door of my car with his arms crossed.

Edward looked surprisingly dashing in his long charcoal gray pea coat, a pair of Ray-bans perched at the end of his nose. His enchanting green eyes peered above the lenses as I came toward him and he had a look of curiosity on his face.

I nodded as I closed in on him and unconsciously sped up to get to him faster.

"You got it?" he asked as he uncrossed his arms and I stepped into his embrace.

"Yup, I got it," I chimed, not recognizing the happiness in my own voice.

"I'm so proud of you," he murmured as he closed his arms around me and tucked my head under his chin. "I knew you'd get it, how could they not love you?"

I smiled against the soft wool of his jacket and nuzzled my face into the collar. "Mmm, let's go do something fun. I feel like celebrating."

"Sounds like a plan," he said as he leaned away from the car and dropped his hands to his sides.

As I backed away from him, I noticed his gaze lingering on my lips and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him senseless. The problem was, there were people here who knew both of us, and I couldn't risk us getting caught.

It was bad enough that Alice and Jasper knew about this now. At least they didn't judge what was going on between us.

I was so close to everything falling into place. All I had to do was go approve the final draft of the divorce papers and sign them. In a few weeks, I could potentially be separated from Em, in my own apartment, and finally living the life I had struggled to get. The last thing I needed was to do something reckless in public with Edward to draw questions.

The money wasn't the problem; the problem was Emmett might block the divorce if he knew what was going on between us. That; in addition to the fact their family would surely implode. I couldn't risk that. Edward had a strained enough relationship with his brother as it was.

Pulling myself out of my Edward induced haze; I jogged over to the driver's door and unlocked it, slipping in as he did on the passenger side.

"You didn't drive here?"

"No," he shook his head looking slightly guilty. "Vic dropped me off on her way to her staff meeting. Don't worry; she thinks I just came to offer you moral support since Em is in those meetings with James today. She thinks I'm being charmingly cute supporting my sister."

"Oh," I mumbled as I placed the keys in the ignition and pulled out of the parking space. The mention of me being his sister had left a sour taste in my mouth.

The streets were still lined with snow as I pulled into traffic and made my way toward our neighborhood. I wasn't exactly sure where we were going, but I figured heading in the direction of home would be alright.

"Where are you taking me?" he asked as I felt his warm palm spread over my thigh and squeeze. "Hopefully somewhere you can take advantage of me." I could practically hear his eyebrows wiggling.

"I'm not really sure, any requests?"

"Navy Pier?"

"It's so cold, are you sure you don't want to just head toward home and do something indoors?"

"I thought going to the arcade at Navy Pier would be fun. I know it's near downtown, but it's in the middle of the day, traffic shouldn't be too horrible."

"You do realize that school is still out, the arcade is going to be a madhouse." I cringed thinking of all the tiny little dirty hands that had probably contaminated those video games during winter break.

"Alright, fine, just head to my place. I'm sure we can find something to entertain ourselves with there," he said with a hint of teasing in his voice.

I hadn't been to his apartment in months, too afraid of James seeing me in the building, knowing that I would have no excuse for being there. He was suspicious enough as it was. His comment at the Christmas party had never been repeated, but it was enough to sufficiently scare me into staying away.

To tell the truth, I knew exactly what Edward had in mind, and I would be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. It had been over a week since we'd decided to pursue whatever this was, and he hadn't touched me since our night in the library over New Year's.

My palms were slipping slightly on the steering wheel as I took the last few turns toward Edward's building. I was so nervous. He knew I was still hesitant about crossing the barriers I had put into place regarding our physical relationship. I put them up for a reason. There was no way I was jeopardizing what I had worked so hard to get done in the last month.

He was just as emotionally invested in all of my future plans as I was.

I still wasn't exactly sure that we would be able to be together after the divorce, even as friends. Too many questions would be raised, not to mention the fact that we would have to be completely chaste around each other.

This seemed like a situation where we were both just being delusional. I could never provide a healthy relationship for him. He would never be able to take me home to his parents. I knew he wanted a family someday, but by the time he was ready would I even want that?

"Hey," he whispered, bringing me out of my toxic line of thinking as I put the car into park. "Stop doing this to yourself. I am just as much to blame as you are for this situation. All I ever wanted was you. If we have to keep this a secret, then so be it."

"I just don't understand how you think this is still possible. I mean, you know how much I care about you, but still, you are essentially giving up everything to be with me."

"And you aren't doing the same for me?"

"I know, but I think I would have eventually ended things with Em. At least I hope that I would have, but you don't have to give up having a normal future to be with me. I don't want you to look at yourself years down the road and regret ever having met me."

"Bella," he groaned as he reached across the center console and began to stroke his thumbs over the backs of my hands. "Please don't say things like that. If I wasn't invested in this relationship one hundred percent, I wouldn't be here. I'm not that noble. I'm here because I love you."

"I know," I mumbled as I tried to look up into his eyes. I wanted to badly to say those words to him, but there was still something holding me back. I didn't want to say them until I knew that I was able to give him what he wanted without breaking his heart.

I still wasn't sure that was possible. Waiting for the other shoe to drop was a nerve wracking way to live, but it's what I was doing.

He leaned forward and placed a sweet closed mouth kiss on my lips before he released my hands and opened his door.

If I were smart, I would have left, but I obviously wasn't, considering the fact I got out of the car and followed him into the building.

Riding in the elevator to his floor was torture, because I was afraid if I took the chance and touched him, someone would catch us. I hated that doing something as innocent as holding hands was essentially wrong.

"Is anyone home?" I asked as he slid the key into his front door, his long fingers turning it in the lock smoothly.

"Not that I know of. Alice promised to keep Jasper distracted today. She knew you'd either need comfort or someone to celebrate with. I don't think she realized that I would have done the same thing in either situation," he said with a smirk as he opened the door and motioned for me to go in ahead of him.

It had been a few months since I'd last visited, but everything was still in the same basic location.

Before I could analyze the placement of the furniture, I felt a pair of warm lips connect with the skin at the juncture of my shoulder.

"Oh," I half moaned, half squealed in surprise.

"I told you I was proud of you," Edward murmured in my ear as his hands came to rest at my waist, squeezing me slightly.

"And that involves kissing me?" I asked; my voice surprisingly rough.

"That," he whispered as he pulled my hair to the side. "And worshipping you. I plan to do that with my tongue."

_Oh. My. God._

I let out an embarrassing squeak as he licked and nipped a path from my neck to my ear, tugging on it playfully with his teeth.

My body was trembling as he raised his hands to my shoulders and slowly began to peel my heavy winter coat down my arms. I shuddered against him as it dropped to the floor at our side.

"Cold?" he mused with a hint of mirth in his voice. He knew exactly how he was affecting me. Even after all this time, he knew exactly how to torture me, how to manipulate my body into feeling things I'd never felt with anyone else.

His fingers slipped under the layers of my sweater and he fingered the edge of my camisole lightly before he began to tug it free from my skirt. I could feel myself wobble slightly as I balanced precariously on my heels. My sense of balance was no match for Edward Cullen.

I was panting embarrassingly loudly by the time he found purchase in the flesh of my stomach, teasing me before his hands retreated to the back of my skirt to release the zipper that was holding it up.

"Oh god," I murmured as he peeled the layer of fabric down my thighs until it fell to the floor.

I could feel his lips smile against my neck as he began to tug my arms upward to remove my sweater.

My nipples tightened almost painfully against the silk covering them as the cold air hit my remaining clothing. I was standing in front of him in only my modest undergarments and a pair of too high heels. I was suddenly feeling entirely underdressed in comparison.

Running my hand up the side of his neck and into his hair I found myself moaning and grinding my backside against his noticeable arousal as his hands ran down the outsides of my bare thighs and converged along the side seams of my panties.

"You make me so hard," he practically growled against my skin as he thrust lightly against me, the rough denim of his jeans and the hardness underneath rubbing along the exposed skin of my legs. "I don't understand how you do this to me."

My brain had apparently vacated the premises because my answer was only a throaty whimper.

His hands fanned out against the front of my thighs and one of his thumbs brushed deliberately underneath the side seam of my underwear, moving slowly downward to caress the sparse hair that covered my lips.

I was sure he could feel the wetness that being near him caused me and I panted out labored breaths as he continued to tease me.

The lips on my neck and shoulders were getting more and more aggressive, and I knew that his slight stubble was bound to leave marks on my pale skin. Somehow I couldn't find it in me to care anymore. It's not like I would be letting Emmett see any part of me anytime soon.

The slight jingling of a belt brought me out of my negative thoughts and back to the present as I realized that one of his hands had disappeared behind me to begin to remove his pants.

"Please," I whimpered as his thumb found its mark and began a torturously slow rhythm against where I wanted him the most.

I could see flashes of white against my eyelids as the heat began to build and I hoped that he would hurry up with removing those pants.

As the denim scraped the back of my knees and he bent slightly to push his pants out of the way, I practically sighed with relief, until he pulled me back against him. I moaned loudly and clenched my thighs together, practically trapping his hand between my legs as he twisted his hand around and began to explore the wetness there with two long fingers.

He was hot and hard against my back as he thrust lightly and pushed the tips of his fingers into me. Heat surged through my body as he slowly penetrated me and I threw my head back against his hard chest as the pleasure shook my body.

"That's it baby, ride my fingers," Edward panted into my hair as my hips began to undulate against his ministrations. "God I love the way you feel around me."

"Please," I moaned again as his hips synced into rhythm with mine and we began a slow grind, his fingertips pushing forward inside of me and making me see stars. I wasn't sure what I was asking for – his fingers, him to stop torturing me with the slow pace, or if I was really just that desperate for him to be inside of me already.

"Please….what, Bella?" He breathed into my ear, his teeth scraping along the edge. "Tell me what you want?"

"Oh god, please," I moaned as he brought his other hand underneath the fabric of my camisole and began to lightly massage my breast, making my nipple throb underneath his palm.

"Do you want me to fuck you, Bella?" he whispered, his voice rough and insistent as he began to thrust his fingers faster inside of me. "Or do you want me to go so slowly that you're begging me to go faster so you can come with me inside you?" He slowly removed his fingers as he was saying this and began to softly run the pads over my clit, teasing me.

"I….I….ugh," incoherent mumbles started to stream out of my mouth as his light touch began to build up the blinding pleasure that was already threatening to spill over.

"Too…many….cl-othes," I panted out as he breathed heavily upon my ear. Still rubbing his hardness against my back and making me ache for the pleasure I knew he could make me feel with it.

He chuckled lightly as he slowly removed his hands from my body. I turned slightly and opened my eyes as he pulled his sweater and undershirt from his long lean torso in one swift move and threw them over his shoulder. They made a dull thud when they slammed into the front door where they slid down to the floor.

"Who has too many clothes on now," he smirked as he turned me around fully and pulled me against his chest. His hands slowly pulled the silk cami from the flesh of my stomach. I lifted my arms as he removed it for me, and reveled in the feeling of my nipples rubbing against his sparse chest hair.

His lips found mine as he placed one of his palms on my cheek and tilted my head up toward him. My eyelids fluttered shut and I shivered as his tongue slowly pried my lips apart to seek my own.

The kiss started to build slowly, but soon it had us both panting against each other's mouths as our hands started to grab and pull at each other.

I was tugging at the waist of his boxer briefs, struggling to pull them down his thighs as he began to pluck at my nipples with both hands.

Moaning and groaning filled the air around us, I couldn't even tell who was making what noises, but as soon as my palm found the smooth hardness between his legs, there was no question where the loud grunt that followed came from.

"Fuck," he was panting against my cheek and I began to slowly pump him in my hand.

"I forgot how much I needed this," I moaned back as his hips began to thrust against my motions. "I forgot how much I need _you._"

Edward grabbed my wrist to stop my movements as he used his other hand to cradle the back of my thighs. "Too much," he panted into my neck as he lifted me up against him.

I threw my arms around his neck as my legs encircled his waist. I could feel the head of his erection trapped against my thigh and I wiggled against him to try to get him to let me lower. The urge to thrust myself down against him and draw him into me was unbearable.

"Stop, please…..stop," he groaned as he palmed my ass and raised me up higher on his torso. "I'd really like it if you'd let me at least get us to a bed."

I giggled against his shoulder and nodded as I tightened my legs and unconsciously dug my heels into his lower back. He groaned loudly and abruptly turned into the doorway that he was passing.

Before I could even process what was happening. I felt the coldness of the surface of the granite countertops stinging my skin as he captured my lips in a bruising kiss. His hands were everywhere, grabbing, pulling, caressing as I could feel the tip of him pressing into the apex of my thighs.

"You" _growl_ "are" _pant _"driving" _bite_ "me" _moan_ "fucking" _groan_ "insane," before I could even process the words that were coming out of his mouth, he thrust forward and was inside of me.

I threw my head back, and banged it against the cabinet behind me, but I couldn't even find it in me to care as he grabbed onto the backs of my thighs and pushed himself in to the hilt.

It felt fucking incredible to have him inside of me, and if the impassioned grunts coming out of his mouth – as he drew himself out and plunged back in – were any indication, I would say that it felt the same for him.

"I couldn't wait," he groaned as he leaned forward and captured a nipple in his mouth.

One of my hands shot forward to cradle his head against me as I arched into his face. The other planted itself to the countertop beside me to keep myself from sliding with each of his thrusts.

My eyes were rolling into the back of my head as his hands tightened on my skin, probably bruising me, but I didn't care. Not. At. All.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck," I began to chant as I could feel my legs beginning to shake, the pressure building quickly as he began to pick up his pace. He had since given up on teasing my poor nipple and was panting wildly against my shoulder as I grabbed the hair at the base of his neck.

"Come on, come on…..." he groaned as one of his hands moved up to where we were joined. All it took was two firm strokes of his thumb and I was convulsing around him, my legs tightening around his. I could tell that my heels were digging into his skin, but he didn't seem to care as he flexed his hips two more times and growled against me.

I could feel him twitch as he released inside of me and it caused white light to shoot across my field of vision as I neared the end of my orgasm.

We were both covered in a sheen of perspiration as we struggled to heave in air. His forehead slid across my collarbone and buried itself into my neck as his arms came up to draw me tightly against him.

"I love you so much," he murmured lowly as I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I wanted to say it so badly, but my throat cracked and I couldn't get sound to come out of my mouth.

"I know," he whispered as he began to rain soft kisses onto the skin beneath my ear and down across my shoulder. "You don't have to say anything, I know."

He didn't say anything else for a long time. We both remained there, wrapped up in each other until I began to shiver. Once my body came back down from the high it had been on while we were together, I realized that I was freezing cold. After all, I was naked on top of a cold slab of granite, right next to a refrigerator.

"Edward," I whispered as I scratched my nails down the back of his head, feeling him groan into my neck as a result.

"Hmm?"

"I'm a little cold."

His head snapped up and the expression of concern on his face was comical. "Oh shit, I'm sorry, Bella. Let me remedy that."

Edward straightened up and pressed me into his chest as he turned and carried us out of the kitchen.

On the way to his bedroom, he grabbed a fleece blanket off the back of the couch and attempted to drape it around me. I smiled against his chest as he stumbled a little bit, and then carried on to his room.

He kicked open the door and took two steps before lightly dropping me back on his mattress. I giggled as I bounced and took in the appearance of the man before me. His hair was completely sticking up on end, there were faint red marks across his shoulders – probably from my fingernails – and he had the silliest grin plastered across his face as he looked down at me.

"Hi," he smiled as he stepped forward and bent down to crawl on top of me.

"Hi," I replied as I shivered for a completely different reason as he ran one of his large palms up the outside of my thigh, pulling my legs apart so he could settle against me.

Edward wasn't quite hard again, but I could feel a stirring as he began to kiss and lick up the side of my neck.

"God, I missed this," he breathed against my ear as his arms pushed underneath me and his hands came up to cradle my shoulders.

"Mmhmm….." I apparently had lost the ability to speak again as he hugged me to him.

"How're you feeling?"

"Mmmm…." I hummed against his warm cheek.

He shifted on top of me slightly, and I felt the tip of him nudge me between my legs.

"Oh," I squeaked as he deliberately rotated his hips and his head slipped partially inside of me.

"Is this alright?" His voice was rough and deep, overwhelming me with how seductive he sounded.

I nodded eagerly, knowing that he could feel the movement with how close he was. He chuckled as he flexed his hips and pushed further inside of me.

Mutual sounds of satisfaction could be clearly heard as we came together again. It was a far cry from the fevered coupling in the kitchen.

Hips flexed; fingers and hands roamed, and lips slowly caressed. I don't know if we were together for minutes or hours, but I couldn't help but feel complete as we both fell over the edge together.

Neither of us said a word as we crawled under the covers afterwards. Edward turned me away from him and anchored me to his chest with a strong arm over my stomach and we both fell asleep.

*** BD ***

The shrill chirp of my cell phone drew me out of my unconscious slumber. I tried to extricate myself from Edward's strong hold, but even asleep – he clung to me.

Eventually it stopped and I began to slip back under until the noise from the other room started up again. I could only wonder who would be contacting me. I knew Em was due to be in meetings all day, and would probably be home long after dark. Most of the time he didn't even bother calling me to let me know he was going to be late.

The chime alerting me of a text message rang out just before the phone began again, and a sinking feeling came over me. Whoever was on the other end of that phone was desperate to get ahold of me.

Edward groaned and rolled over onto his back as I pried his arm from me. One forearm was thrown over his face as the hand of his other arm absently scratched at his stomach, just above where the sheet was covering him.

I had to shake my head to keep myself from pulling the covers down to reveal what seemed to be stirring under the thin sheet. Instead I turned to his dresser and grabbed a gray t-shirt that was neatly folded on the top and pulled it over myself. The last thing I needed was for Jasper to come home and get an eyeful.

"Where're you goin?" Edward yawned as his arm slid down and he peeked at me.

"My phone keeps ringing." And as if on cue, the chirping started up again from the entryway.

"Nooo…" he whined as he reached his arms out toward me. "Come back."

The pout that followed was almost my downfall, but I managed to slip out the door and pad down the hallway to where my clothes were still piled near the door.

My phone was easily found in the side pocket in my coat, alert menus popping up as I pushed the button on the side to unlock the screen.

It must have been ringing long before I woke up, because I had five missed calls as well as ten missed texts. Two were from numbers I didn't recognize, but it was the one from Ben that caught my eye.

**Bells, call me ASAP! It's an emergency.**

That alone should have worried me, but as I flicked my finger over the screen to pull up the next message my heart sunk to my toes.

**B it's Rose. CALL ME RIGHT NOW! It's Em. **

The next one from the same number was just as urgent, and I started to panic as I pulled my clothes up and tried to put them back on without falling to the floor.

**I'm going with him in the ambulance. Get to Northwestern Memorial as soon as you get this. It can't wait!**

By the time I had managed to get completely dressed and was pulling my coat on, Edward came out from the hall bathroom in a pair of black boxer briefs.

He rushed to my side as soon as he saw the tears on my cheeks with a look of panic on his face.

"Where are you going? What's wrong?"

"I…..I…" I couldn't get the words out as a sob tore from my throat and he pulled me up against him.

"I can't," I choked out as I pushed him away from me. "I've got to go. There's something wrong with Em. He's on the way to the hospital and I have no idea what's going on." My voice was high pitched and tight, I didn't even recognize myself as the words rushed out. "Rose is there, and I've got no fucking idea what's happening."

He grabbed me by the shoulders and leaned down until we were at eye level. "Hold on, I'll get dressed and take you. I can't let you drive like this." I nodded shakily as he searched my eyes. "He'll be ok, I'm sure he's fine. Please stop crying, baby."

The tears continued to stream down my cheeks as watched him grab his jeans from the floor and run down the hallway to his room. He emerged a few minutes later and grabbed me by the hand as he snatched up his keys and coat with the other.

I didn't remember much of the short ride to the hospital. I just stared out the window and let the tears roll down my face. My guilty conscience was rearing its ugly head as I chastised myself for what had happened today.

My husband was in the hospital, he could be dying for all that I knew and I had been off fucking his brother. I was the worst kind of person.

I didn't even need to make the decision in the end; fate had made it for me. This was enough of a sign for me. It was over. Emmett was going to need me, and I owed it to him to at least attempt to act like a caring wife.

When Edward tried to hold my hand across the console, I slowly extricated my hand. The pained expression that crossed his face sent a pang of regret through me, but it was better if I didn't cling to him.

It would be better for all of us if I just deluded myself into thinking that I didn't really love him. I did, I knew that I did, but he didn't, and I was never going to tell him.

Edward pulled the car up to the Emergency Room doors and I flung my door open and took off before he could even put the car in park. I didn't look back as I rushed through the doors and to the admit desk.

"Emmett Cullen," I panted as I gripped the linoleum of the desk in my fingers; it was the only thing holding me up at this point.

"Are you family?" the young nurse chirped, her obviously dyed blonde hair shining as brightly as her big blue eyes, a fake smile plastered on her face.

"I'm….I'm his wife," I stuttered as her fake nails tapped on the computer in front of her.

"Oh," she said with another – what I am sure was supposed to be reassuring but kinda made me want to smack her – smile. "Let me check to see if they've put him into a room or if he's still down here."

I bounced up and down on the balls of my feet as she looked up the information for me. I tried not to panic as all of the horrible things that could be wrong with him flashed through my head. Heart attack, car accident, shooting….

"Mrs. Cullen?" My head snapped up as she looked up toward me and gave me a small smile. This was a smile that told me that he was still alive, but something was wrong. Something serious from the look she was giving me.

"Yes?"

"Well, it looks like they've moved him to the ICU. He's in critical but stable condition. They're only letting immediate family see him right now, but I can have someone come down and take you up to him."

"Okay." My voice was rough with stress as I nodded.

"Why don't you sit down in one of those seats over near that set of elevators, someone will be down in a few minutes."

Somehow I managed to move myself to a seat and dropped down into it as I waited. My head fell into my hands as I tried not to start crying again. I couldn't believe this was happening, the ICU. That wasn't just some accident, whatever it was, it was serious.

"Mrs. Cullen?" A young man about my age stood in front of me in a set of light green scrubs with a lab coat thrown over the top. "I'm Dr. Riley Biers, the intern assigned to your husband's care."

I stood up and shook his outstretched hand as he reached over and pressed the up button on the elevator.

"Let's get you upstairs and the attending can fill you in on the specifics of his case once we're up in the unit."

We stepped on the elevator and just as the doors began to close, I heard my name being called out, and Edward's face flashed in between the crack in the door. He was too late though, and the doors slid the rest of the way closed as I stood there beside Dr. Biers.

"Friend of yours?" he mused as the elevator began to ascend.

"Brother-in-law," I recited mechanically as I stared at the shiny metal doors in front of me.

"Oh…well, Lauren should be able to give him information at the desk."

The elevator slowed to a stop and the doors slid open before I could formulate a response.

Stark white walls and floors lined the hallway in front of us and I followed Riley down to a set of doors off to the right.

He pressed down on a canister mounted to the wall and rubbed his hands together as he used his elbow to hit a metal square on the wall that triggered the door release.

The ICU was quiet except for the numerous mechanical beeping noises that emanated from the machinery hooked up to the patients housed here. Beige colored curtains and glass walls separated the space and a large white nurse's station took up most of the central space in the unit.

"He's in bed four, Natalie is his nurse, and Dr. Benjamin should be in shortly to bring you up to speed on his case."

Dr. Biers pulled the curtain aside and guided me into a chair at his bedside. Emmett looked much frailer than I expected. There were several tubes leading under the blanket that covered him and his dark hair was matted to his head. His face was pale and a thick blue tube was taped in his mouth and leading to a large machine behind him. A smaller tube was up his nose and he had pronounced purple bruises under his eyes.

"There are a few people in the waiting area that came in with him, but we couldn't release any information to them without you here. The young lady who managed to get on the ambulance with him was quite frantic when we couldn't give her an update on his prognosis," I looked up to him in surprise and realized that Rose must still be out there waiting to hear what was going on. "A nurse can show you out there once the doctor explains everything to you."

"What happened?" I rasped out as I tried in vain to hold back the tears.

"We're not exactly sure yet, but it seems that he might have lapsed into a coma caused by ketoacidosis. The labs should be back soon and then we can evaluate whether or not it is safe to take him off the ventilator. Does he have any kind of history with diabetes?"

I shook my head as I tried to understand what he was saying. Emmett was in a coma. How was this even possible? He had been fine this morning. He was tired, like he usually was in the middle of a big campaign, but did I miss something important?

"Well, like I said, the doctor will be in soon and you can get more information from him."

Dr. Biers backed out and closed the curtain, leaving me with Emmett and the plethora of medical devices that seemed to be keeping him alive at the moment. I just stared helplessly at him, looking so broken and vulnerable in the bed before me.

"Mrs. Cullen?" A low voice brought me back to myself as I looked toward the light streaming in the open curtain.

"Yes," I nodded as a short, balding man with a deep olive complexion sat gingerly in the seat beside me.

"I'm Dr. Eli Benjamin, an attending here in the ICU," his voice was low and somewhat comforting. I faced him fully and sat up to listen to what he needed to tell me about Emmett.

"From what we could assess when he arrived in the Emergency Room, Emmett collapsed at his office during a meeting. He was still awake, but showed signs of decreased mental clarity as he was in transport. As they got him set up in the ER his condition deteriorated and he appeared to have a mild seizure as well as heart palpitations.

We believe that he might have had a mild heart attack. He lost consciousness and his blood pressure dropped so we had to intubate him when he started showing signs of respiratory distress.

The initial blood work showed extremely low insulin levels, as well as large amounts of ketone and glucose in his blood stream. It is my opinion that he somehow developed ketoacidosis which caused his condition. We are unsure as of right now if it was caused by an infection, or if he was having a diabetic episode.

Once his next set of labs is back we should know more, but until then, he's on an insulin pump, and we've sedated him to keep his stats stable. We should be able to get him off the ventilator sometime this evening, but we want to keep him sedated a little bit longer while we get him a little more stable."

"Do you know what might have caused this?" I think that I followed most of what he told me, but I still didn't understand how this happened.

"Like I said, his initial evaluation indicated that he may have Type 1 Diabetes, but it also could be caused by some sort of infection. Has he been showing any unusual behavior lately? Fatigue, frequent urination, dizziness?"

I shook my head, but I couldn't really be sure, I honestly hadn't been paying that close of attention. He hadn't seemed ill, but I guess I could have just overlooked the signs.

"Well, I'll send Riley in once his tests are back to give you an update. Natalie can have someone show you to the waiting room or you can stay back here with him. You can have one more immediate family member back here with you if you'd like, but no more than two at a time."

I returned my attention to Emmett and gingerly lifted the edge of the blanket to find his hand. It had an IV port running out of the back of it, but I lightly wrapped my hand around his anyways. He was warm, but I could tell he wasn't even responsive.

Tears leaked out of the corner of my eyes slowly as I berated myself for not seeing that something was wrong with him sooner. I was such a bitch. Emmett was in the hospital, in serious condition, he probably could have even died, and I was off betraying him in the worst way possible.

Yes, I had planned on divorcing this man, but this was going to change everything. I _had_ to be here for him. I owed him that much. Emmett deserved to have someone take care of him. I was supposed to be that person, and I would be. Edward could no longer fit into the equation.

A warm hand on my shoulder sent a jolt through me and I looked back to see the somber face of Esme Cullen behind me.

"How are you, dear?" she whispered as she pulled the second chair up beside me and ran her hand down my back.

"It doesn't matter," I murmured as I re-fixed my gaze on Em.

"I talked to the doctor," she started quietly. "We should've thought to get him tested for this sooner."

I was confused as I glanced back toward her.

"His grandfather had some issues with diabetes starting in his thirties. We assumed since Carlisle never showed any signs of the disease that the boys would both be alright. I know I never expected my twenty-eight year old to lapse into a diabetic coma."

Esme sounded so guilt ridden, but I knew that I held some fault too. I was around him the most; I should have recognized that something was wrong.

"Carlisle is out in the waiting room with Edward and some of Emmett's co-workers. I guess most of his department is out there waiting for news. Poor Rosalie was a mess crying all over Edward. She was the one to notice that something wasn't right with him during the meeting."

That news made me feel even worse – if that were even possible – because someone who I hated so much was probably the person who got Emmett treatment in time. Being grateful for Rosalie's presence wasn't something I ever expected to feel.

We sat there in the quiet dim area for a little while longer until Esme squeezed my knee.

"Maybe you need to go get some air, honey. You've been back here for a few hours. I'll watch over him for you."

"I can't," I said quietly as I ran the tips of my fingers over the back of his hand softly.

"Bella, seriously, just send Carlisle back and we can stay with him while you take some time to yourself. He's not going anywhere. You look a little frazzled, just get some food and some fresh air. Just for a little while."

My shoulders slumped as I realized that she was probably right, and Carlisle has just as much of a right to be back here at his son's side as I did, if not more so considering the circumstances.

I studiously avoided the family waiting area as I snuck to the elevators and took it down to where I knew the cafeteria was.

The coffee was a little strong and stale tasting, but it seemed to calm me as I found my way to an outdoor sitting area. There were still small clumps of snow covering the bushes, but the cement bench I found myself on was clear.

Cold, bitter wind blew my loose hair around as I huddled over my warm coffee cup, thinking about what this all meant.

The only solution I could come up with was that I needed to contact the lawyer and have him put a hold on serving the divorce papers. There was no way I would be able to abandon Emmett in this condition. He would probably at least need to be at home for a short while recovering whenever they released him from the hospital.

He had been running himself ragged at work lately with erratic hours, and it had obviously taken its toll.

Another thing that I had to consider was turning down the full time position at the high school. There was no way I could balance a new classroom and a full course load as well as take care of an ill husband. I could always hire a nurse service depending on what type of care he would need, but that wouldn't be fair to him.

I pulled out my cell phone and opened the email application. Without overthinking the repercussions, I drafted an email to my principal declining the position due to a family emergency. I also sent a message to my real estate agent telling her to pull my application on the apartment.

School was due to start in a few days, and there was no way that things would be resolved before then. It pained me to just give up on the chance, but I knew that for once in the past year, I needed to be strong and do the right thing.

When the time came, I could only hope to be strong enough to follow through.

*** BD ***

The middle of the night in a hospital can tend to mess with your head. The overhead lights make innocuous items look threatening, and the quiet can be suffocating.

Esme had stayed with me while Carlisle drove home to return to work the next day, he had obligations that he apparently couldn't shake. His determined work ethic reminded me strongly of his son. Emmett's sense of duty to his job was something that I was all too familiar with coming in second to. I had no idea how Esme accepted it so readily.

I had managed to avoid Edward, even though Esme had informed me that he dutifully camped out in the waiting room with Rosalie. I had no idea why she was still here, but I wouldn't question it, who knows what kind of condition Emmett would be in if he hadn't made it to the hospital before he crashed.

Focusing on picking apart the binding of the paperback that sat in my lap, I tried to clear my head of the turmoil. Torturing myself wasn't going to make this any easier. I just needed to put on my big girl panties and grow the fuck up.

"Bella," Esme whispered as she leaned over toward me from her own chair. "Would you mind terribly going down to the family lounge and seeing if they have some tea?"

Nodding hesitantly, I stopped abusing my book and stood up, the hours of being seated in an uncomfortable chair catching up with me as I rubbed my cramped thighs.

"Thank you, sweetheart," she murmured as I pulled open the curtain and headed toward the corridor where the family lounge was located. It was attached to the ICU waiting room, but there was luckily floor to ceiling frosted glass that separated the rooms.

My heartbeat picked up exponentially as I sped toward the door, I really did not want to see him. I knew that in the state I was currently in, I would give in to him. I wouldn't have the strength to stay away.

The small lounge looked eerie with the stark fluorescent lighting, but I was a woman on a mission. I quickly scrounged up a few packets of tea from the cabinets and hoped that tea didn't go stale, because I had no idea how old the things must be. I'm sure Esme wouldn't be critical either way.

I was so busy with the heating of the water and the steeping, that I didn't even notice I wasn't alone until I heard a throat being cleared behind me.

_Please don't be Edward…._

Turning slowly with the mug in my hand, I sighed in relief when I saw that it was only Rosalie. I could deal with her. She was a bitch, but she looked like she had been having as rough a time today as I had. I knew she looked up to Em, and seeing him like that must have been hard on her.

"Hey," she mumbled as she picked at the cuff of the oversized sweatshirt that she was wearing. It looked distinctly masculine, and much like something I'd once seen on Edward, but I wasn't letting my mind go there. I wasn't going to think about _him_ right now.

"Hi," I shrugged as I aimlessly stirred the spoon in my other hand. It gave me something to focus on.

She cleared her throat awkwardly, and for the first time since I had met her, Rosalie Hale looked lost. There were dark circles under her eyes and she looked like she had been crying, I was at a loss. I couldn't reconcile the girl in front of me with who I knew her to be. Apparently this thing with Emmett had really shaken her.

"Uh…I…um," she stuttered, looking totally forlorn.

"Spit it out, Rose," I half hissed at her, for some reason, her appearance made me bitter. She looked more upset about this situation than I had been, and I was his wife. What did that say about me?

"How is he?"

"Stable."

"Is he…..um….would it be possible for me to see him?" She stared at the floor as she made her request and it made my irrational anger surge. I could tell that she only wanted to be there to support him, but who was she to have the right?

"He's not even awake. I mean, he hasn't come out of his sedation, or the coma, or whatever. He wouldn't even know you were there," I couldn't understand her. It was late, much later than she should have still been there and she was asking to see him. Didn't she understand that the ICU was for family members?

"I know, but I just need to see…..um…that he's alright."

"Why is this so important to you?" I hissed, feeling like a total bitch for getting so upset over this. My latent hostility towards her along with the stress and lack of sleep were definitely affecting me.

"You didn't see him. You couldn't know…..I was so scared, Bella. When they took him, he just…..He wasn't himself, and I don't know. I just need to see that he's alive."

"Fine," I conceded as I brushed by her and out the door. I rattled off his bed number and that Esme was still back with him. I pushed the mug of tea into her hands and turned back around to flee to the elevators. "Just don't tell them that you aren't family, they'll make you leave."

I could barely hear her thank you as I turned the corner and leaned back against the wall. That whole encounter was just bizarre. Why was she so concerned with how he was doing? It wasn't like they were friends or anything, they barely knew each other.

I found myself sifting through their encounters from before. Had I been too blind to see something more between the two of them? I was lost in my thoughts for what could have been moments, or hours, but it wasn't getting me anywhere. The past several months were just one confusing jumble. Before I could analyze the situation further, I felt a hand come down on my shoulder. I let out a startled shriek, and my eyes flew open.

Edward was standing in front of me, looking entirely too concerned and amused at the same time. The look on his face made me want to return his small smile, but then I remembered what I had to do to him, and I found myself looking away.

"Hey, I wondered when you were going to turn up," I could tell he was trying to be supportive, but there was an underlying tension in his voice. He couldn't understand why I hadn't come to see him yet. Didn't he realize that _he_ shouldn't have been my priority at the moment?

"Sorry," I snapped. "I was with my husband."

Edward's face fell slightly, his eyebrows furrowing and something dark passing through his deep green eyes.

"How is he?"

I was sure that Carlisle had been keeping him updated, but he was staying away because he wanted to let his mother be with Emmett, and since I wouldn't leave his side.

"Do you really even care?"

I knew saying that was cruel, but his actions lately had shown me how little he really cared for his brother. He may have been family, but he definitely wasn't putting him first.

"How can you even ask me that? Of course I care. He is my brother, Bella. Do you really think I'm that much of an asshole?"

My silence spoke volumes, and I could tell I was making him angry. I knew that he cared about Emmett, but I also knew how deeply he despised him in the same breath. Edward wanted to protect me from his brother's mistreatment, but he had also let the problems in our marriage defend and fuel his anger toward Em.

"God," he chuckled darkly. "Is that really what you think of me? Do you honestly believe that I'd be happy about my own brother being in a fucking coma?"

I shrugged as I continued to look anywhere but at him, as he began to pace anxiously in front of me. His shoes squeaked lightly against the dirty linoleum, and I focused on the sound, feeling like even more of a horrible person. I was letting him think that I thought the worst of him, when I knew that he would never feel that way.

"Well, do you?" he hissed in my face, jerking my chin up so I would meet his eyes.

"I don't know. It does seem awfully lucky that Emmett almost _died._ I mean, wouldn't it make this easier for you? You could swoop in and console his distraught widow. I'm sure everyone would think you were a hero. You'd get him out of the picture and get me in the process." I knew that my words were hurtful, but this was the only way that I could think of to push him away. It was cruel, but it would be effective. "I mean, I know you couldn't have given him a debilitating illness, but wouldn't him being dead suit you just the same?"

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that to me," he growled as he boxed me against the wall, totally invading my space. He was too close, and it was making it hard for me to stay resolved to do this, but it was the only way. "I know you're under a lot of stress right now, and it's obviously making you crazy. You can try to push me away, but like I've told you time and time again. I'll be here. I'll wait for you to get what you need to get done right now, but I'm not walking away."

"No," I hissed as he tried to run his fingers down my cheek. I flinched away from him and he replaced his hands on either side of my head. "I don't want you. This isn't some fairy tale Edward, I have obligations, and you _aren't_ one of them."

"Why're you doing this Bella? Did you not feel a damn thing for me? Was this all a joke to you?" he snarled as his palm made contact with the wall beside my head.

I shrunk down as his dark angry eyes bore into mine. I could understand why he was so upset, but it didn't change anything. This was never going to work.

"I….I can't do this anymore. I _won't _do this anymore. It's not fair. How can I do this to him? He could have _died_ Edward. He could have died and I didn't even notice there was something wrong with him. What kind of person does that make me?"

"This isn't your fault. There was no way you could have known. Please…._please_, don't do this. I understand that you feel like you need to take care of him, but I can't let you go. I can't stop what I feel for you, Bella. Stop trying to push me away. I _love_ you, do you not understand that?" He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. His eyes closed and his breath washed across my face as I looked up to him. "I told you I would wait, and I will, just don't tell me this is over. It'll break me."

Tears formed in the corners of my eyes as I prepared myself to break his heart. This whole situation had spiraled out of control.

"It is over, Edward. It should've never even started, and I shouldn't have led you on this long. I'm sorry….I'm, I…..I have to go," I choked out as I ducked under his arm and tried to walk back to the room that held the unconscious body of my husband.

A sharp sting of pain radiated up my arm as he grabbed my wrist and jerked me back to him. Before I could even formulate anymore lies to get him to let me go, his lips descended upon me and crushed into mine with a staggering force.

The spark of energy I felt anytime he seemed to touch me made my ears ring as I eagerly returned his kiss. I allowed myself a few minutes to pretend we could have ever had a future together. Grainy images danced behind my eyelids of the moments we had spent together, mixed with the dreams I had for the future that we would no longer have.

The dinging sound of an elevator car arriving at the floor broke the fog surrounding our embrace and I turned my head to break the kiss. He continued moving his lips along the skin of my neck and shoulders murmuring 'please' into it.

Silent sobs wracked my chest as I found purchase on his and pushed him away from me. My heart was beating out of my chest as I found the strength to rip myself away from him and turn back toward the doors of the ICU.

I don't know how I made it down the hallway without collapsing as black spots appeared in my field of vision. Esme and Rosalie were thankfully absent as I ripped open the curtain and made my way into Emmett's bed space. Barely making it to the chair at my husband's bedside, I collapsed and broke into full out sobs. My head fell into my hands as I tried to regain my breath.

To any outsider, it would just look like I was a scared spouse, worried about her sick husband, but on the inside, I knew it was because I had just ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

Realizing that I had just given up all hopes of a future with him, I whispered into my hands what I should have said to Edward in that hallway, "I love you, too."

* * *

**A/N: There were some issues raised last week that I want to address here. Writers in fanfiction are not paid, nor do they get any real acclaim for what they are doing. Minor errors are all part of the game, and to attack or criticize a writer for something trivial is not productive. I am in no way telling you what to write in your reviews, but if you are not using real constructive criticism or are bringing up something petty, then I would rather you not review at all.**

**If you have a genuine opinion about the story, bring it on, but being childish about minor things is pointless. **

**This does not apply to most of you. Many of you are kind, supportive and thoughtful with your reviews. All I am trying to say is that if you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of your comments, then don't send them. Words are very powerful and sometimes the things you tell authors in reviews make them question their participation in the fandom. **

**I am going to look past this, and hope that people will continue to enjoy the story, but I felt the need to make my opinion on this matter known. Some writers don't have thick skin and hurtful words can ruin this for everyone. All it would take for this fandom to fall is a few well placed hurtful words. Keep that in mind.**


	15. Uncomfortably Numb

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do have some of the best readers ever!…..thank you so much for being supportive through all the angst/heartfail…..only a few people have said they are walking away from this story, and I respect their right to do so. For the rest of you, hold on tight!**

**Angst level in this chapter is fairly high, but I think you'll all like the end result. Shortest chapter by far in this story, but I didn't want to draw away from the impact of this chapter. **

**As you have probably noticed, it's not Sunday, so that means you get two chapters this week since I still have a little bit of a cushion! Chapters 15, 16, and 17 are all written and I'm currently working on 18. My goal is to get those three to you before Christmas and then I'll be taking a two week break while I am out of state for vacation/Christmas. Baby/Toddler P will be making her first trip to Disney World!**

**I hope to post the last two regular chapters before New Year's, but we'll see how that goes. I'll try my hardest. The epi/future take will definitely be posted in 2012, and then it'll finally be marked complete…:D**

**Thanks yet again for the amazing work that my two pre-readers do. Beegurl13 cracks me up with her love of all the angst and Carenl/nerac leaves the best comments in her drafts, they always make me smile, even when she tells me I suck… :D**

**Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who celebrate it, enjoy your time with your family. I know it will be extra special for mine because it marks the one year anniversary of my father's successful lung transplant.**

**Grab your tissues if you need them and enjoy….**

* * *

**Chapter 14: Uncomfortably Numb**

I kind of just went through the motions – even more than I already had been – for the first few days after Emmett was released from the hospital. I was totally focused, totally attentive…..and totally a zombie. Emotionally, I was drained and exhausted. All I wanted to do was shut down and sleep all day, pretending as if nothing existed. That wasn't exactly feasible in my situation.

Emmett deserved to have someone care for him in his time of need, and I was going to do that. I _needed_ to do at least one thing right in this whole fucked up mess. What came after he was better was up in the air, but right now, I could focus on getting him better.

The prognosis after Emmett awoke the morning after he was hospitalized was mostly hopeful. He managed not to suffer any permanent brain damage from what they could tell, he didn't suffer any tissue damage, and he was lucky he didn't have any lasting physical impairments. Overall, Em's luck held out, and he had an ideal recovery.

After a lot of coaching, from both the nutritionist and the diabetic specialist, he had managed to start a regimen that would keep his levels under control and hopefully prevent anything like this from happening in the future. Twenty eight years old was awfully early for someone like him to be debilitated from Diabetes.

He was released on the third day, and that was when my role came into play. I made sure he stayed on top of his blood monitoring, made sure his meals were healthy, and got him to do mild exercise.

I felt more like an untrained nursemaid than his wife, but I would take what penance I could to work off my sins. If Emmett needed a nurse/babysitter for a few weeks, then that's what I would be.

The doctors told him to take a month off work, that the added stress would make it difficult for him to maintain his routine. He needed to get used to the fact that he was going to have to alter his behaviors for the rest of his life now. This was never going to go away, and he needed to come to terms with that fact before he went back.

Emmett was cranky, and tired, and angry, but I never snapped back at him, always there with a faux smile on my face ready to do his bidding. It wasn't unlike how I had spent a lot of the past two years, so I really didn't have to do much adjusting.

I felt numb most of the time, trying to block out the pain by focusing on being the best wife I could be. It was all a cruel sham, but it was all I had.

By the end of the first week, I couldn't even look at my phone anymore, the email and texts piling up until they were both filled to the brim. I was avoiding things – reality – and I couldn't afford to have a breakdown.

My lawyer had called, letting me know he'd store the papers for me, in case I ever decided I needed them, and I cried myself to sleep that night on the couch. Emmett never noticed I didn't come to bed, but then again, he was so wrapped up in learning how to relive his life that he didn't notice much when it came to my behavior. Either that or he just didn't have the energy to care.

By the time the second week started, he was seeing a personal trainer/physical therapist to get on an exercise regimen, and his energy was returning. He wasn't the sour person he was when he woke up in the hospital, and I found myself smiling more.

I wasn't happy, but it was nice to see him not so lost in himself anymore.

It began to feel like our front door was revolving when people started dropping by to spend time with him. I managed to play the good little hostess, and no one but Angela even noticed something didn't seem quite right with me.

"Alright, spill," she said as she followed me into the kitchen as I went to refill the pitcher I was carrying with sugar free lemonade. "What's with the Stepford act? How are you not even shaken by this B? You look like a robot."

I shook my head as I pulled her further into the kitchen, so we were shielded by the cabinets. The last thing I needed was for Emmett to overhear things. He was bored and stir crazy most of the time, so he latched onto things and obsessed like no tomorrow.

"I can't do this," I whispered, finally admitting to myself that I was trapped. I had no way out of this situation and I was beginning to freak out a little inside.

"Do what?" she whispered back, placing her hand on my shoulder. "Take care of Em? I'm sure you can find some sort of nurse to help him if it's too much."

"No," I squeezed my eyes shut to avoid the sting. I couldn't cry about this. I _wouldn't _cry about this, not when it was my own fault.

"This," I said, motioning to the room, to myself, to every freaking thing that I was so over at this point. "My life, what I have become. I can't do any of it anymore. I hate this."

"What are you talking about? Since when have you been so miserable? I mean, I know that Em can be an ass, but how long have you really been feeling like this?"

"Awhile," I mumbled, leaning back against the counter and abandoning my task of mixing. "Six months, a year….it's…..I've…._awhile_."

"Wow," she looked concerned, and I wondered if I could confide in her what had been going on. She was my best friend, she would understand. Ok, so maybe she wouldn't understand, but she would be there for me if I asked her to be.

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"I…uh. I tried, but it's been months since then and he thinks I'm just upset because I had to turn down that job." I shook my head and looked down, ashamed. Being a coward was what I appeared to be _really _good at.

"Don't you think that maybe that would be a good idea? He deserves to know that you aren't happy."

Emmett deserved a lot of things that I wasn't able to give him. Such was the story of my life. I knew I wasn't solely to blame for my stagnant marriage, but I had kind of put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak.

_You got nailed alright….._

"I can't unload all of this on him now. He's still getting used to everything. That would just be cruel."

"Oh," she said with a humorless laugh. "Because finding out that your wife is unhappy while punishing herself because of it by taking care of you and acting like everything is fine is so _humane_."

I had to admit, she was right, I was punishing myself. Angela had always been so tame, it must have been the pregnancy hormones talking, but I kind of liked it. She could be funny when she wanted to be, but she had never been so snarky with me.

"I'll talk to him," I mumbled as she gave me a dramatic eye roll. "I promise. Just give me some time."

It didn't look like she believed me, but she let it go, favoring a conversation about how her body was revolting against her instead. I couldn't even imagine. Somehow I doubted that children were ever going to be in my future. I just couldn't see it happening for me anymore.

For the next two weeks, I felt like I was walking around in a haze. At one point, I had even lost my cell phone. I looked everywhere for it, but it was never found. Emmett raced out to buy me a new one, but in his haste to be useful, he didn't remember to get the same number assigned.

It was weird being upset at starting over with something as trivial as a cell phone, but the fresh start wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I could start over without the burdens of my past chasing me constantly. No one but Em, Angela and my parents knew how to contact me, so the deluge of missed messages just stopped.

*** BD ***

Going through the motions just continued on without even trying. I awoke every morning, made breakfast, read the paper, listened to Em talk at me, got cleaned up and did errands or chores until dinner. I had lost weight since we started our healthier diet, and I could admit that I did physically feel better, but emotionally, I was just as lost as ever. There was no end in sight for me, and I had gotten to the point where I couldn't even cry about it. I had made my bed, and now I had to sleep in it.

When I was out at the supermarket one day, leaning over to pick up a box of cereal from the bottom shelf, I was startled by someone clearing their throat loudly next to me.

Trying not to panic, I glanced over at a tiny pair of high heeled designer boots and sighed in relief that I hadn't managed to run into Edward. I couldn't face him. I just didn't have it in me.

Alice did not look pleased to see me as I straightened up and placed the box into my cart.

"Are you avoiding me? Or have you just decided to be a bitch to everyone?"

Taken aback by her hostility, I mumbled out a response. "I lost my cell phone."

She chuckled humorlessly and raised an eyebrow. She obviously thought that I was full of shit.

"And somehow you lost your email too?"

I shook my head slowly and bit at the corner of my lip as I tried to think of how to explain things to her. She had to know about Emmett, but she also had to know about the things I had said to Edward. Even I had to admit I was ashamed at how I had treated him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

I shrugged as she managed to crack a small smile at me. I knew that she was pissed off at me, but I thought that we had been on our way to being friends before everything blew up in my face.

"How about we check out and then go get a coffee? There are some things I need to say to you, and you really need to listen to them."

Feeling a little better that she wasn't going to murder me with one of the heels on her boots, I followed her to the front of the store and through the checkout.

She decided to ride back with me in my car instead of walking the several blocks back to Lincoln Park. I didn't have anything perishable in my groceries, at least nothing that would spoil in a cold car, so we stopped at the Starbucks closest to the apartment she shared with Rose.

I was glad that she hadn't suggested going to the Bourgeois Pig, I couldn't have handled going there. It wouldn't feel right knowing that I was there without him. I especially didn't want to run into him.

We quickly ordered our overpriced beverages and settled into a loveseat that was in a quiet corner of the shop. There were only a few people here, so we would have privacy, but there would be witnesses if she decided to murder me.

"So would you care to tell me why my boyfriend's roommate has turned into a hermit-y lumberjack?"

"Um…"

"Okay, so I get how you feel guilty about Emmett being sick, but what happened to the divorce? I thought you got that job and you found an apartment. How did that all fall apart?"

I looked up in surprise, she knew things, but it was obvious that Edward hadn't told her how horrible I'd been to him.

"I turned down the job, and the apartment. The lawyer pulled the papers. I couldn't go through with everything and just leave Em when he was sick. I wasn't happy and wanted out, but even I'm not that cruel."

"And now?"

"Now what?"

"Now that Emmett is better and going back to work soon, what are you going to do now? Are you really going to stay with him out of some guilt ridden sense of duty?" She had a valid point, but I still didn't know what my plans were.

"I know you're hurting, and you feel a little lost. Turning down that job was stupid, and I get why you did it, but honey," she said, leaning forward to place her hand on top of mine. "You don't have to stay. You've got options. I know you pushed Edward away, but he's not going to give up on you just yet. I know he still loves you."

I shook my head. She didn't know. She didn't know the cruel things I said to him to drive him away. It was for his own good.

"No, Edward deserves better than my mess. Trust me. He won't be waiting for me. He probably thinks I'm a giant bitch and wishes he never met me. You have no idea how cruel I was to him. No…..just….no. Edward isn't an option for me anymore. I don't know if he ever was."

I didn't even realize I was crying until she handed me a napkin to dab at my face. "I could talk to him."

My head jerked up at her quiet offer, and I knew then that I couldn't drag her into this too.

"No. Absolutely not. As far as I'm concerned, Edward won't hear from me again. I know you think he loves me, but I _am_ going to do the right thing for once and leave him alone. He'll get over me eventually, he'll move on, and he'll be happy without me."

She shook her head and looked like she was going to contradict me, but I held my hand up to stop her. "Please, Alice. Just let him forget about me."

"I hope you know what you're doing, Bella. Personally I think you're making a huge mistake, but I'll stay out of it."

"Thank you."

She kept true to her word. I gave her my new cell phone number, and put hers back in, we agreed to stay in touch. She offered me support if I needed it, but I knew that I wouldn't do that to her.

I could see us meeting once in a while for coffee or something, but I couldn't get involved with her life more than that. Edward was one of her best friends, and it would just make it harder on her to be split between the two of us. It all put a bad taste in my mouth. I felt like she had to choose a side after a divorce, only I was divorced from the wrong brother.

*** BD ***

More weeks passed and Emmett returned to work part time. He had drastically cut his hours, actually coming home for dinner, and making sure that he left his work at work. He wasn't going on crazy business trips or going in on the weekends.

He tried to engage me in conversation more, and he was more affectionate without being sexual. If these changes would have come about three years ago, I would have been ecstatic.

By the second Tuesday after he had gone back, I was fully resigned to the fact that things just weren't going to get better for me. As time went on, I only became more despondent, not having anything to keep me occupied. I was bored, I was pissed, and most of all, I was lonely.

Emmett was home, but I was still disconnected. I just couldn't seem to make myself interact in my life anymore. I didn't even have the distraction of a job to keep me busy anymore.

Mr. Haines understood why I couldn't take the job, the health of my family was important, but I knew that I had burned that bridge.

I was even worse off than before Emmett's health scare. Before I had a plan, now I had nothing. I didn't even have the knowledge that Edward might be waiting for me on the other end. It had all imploded in a matter of weeks.

_I was fucked….and not in a good way…._

"Hey babe," Em greeted as he gave me a kiss on the top of my head. I was in my usual place sitting on the sofa, reading a book when he came home from work. It had been my default location for days after I finished all the mundane tasks that were required of me.

"Hi."

"You alright?" he asked with mild concern as he hung up his over coat and loosened his tie. He was back in his work wardrobe even though he was only working ten to three o'clock days. I knew that he spent time on his laptop in the evening working on projects, but the doctor said that only being in the office twenty five hours instead of more than fifty would decrease his stress level.

He seemed to be taking well to it, but I could tell that he was itching to get back to his full work load. He was never more at ease than when he was leading his team in a new ad campaign.

"Fine," I mumbled as I read the same sentence for the fiftieth time today.

"You wanna go out tonight?" he asked as he looked over my outfit of yoga pants and an oversized hoodie. I had given up on trying, they were comfortable so I was going to wear them.

"There's a pot roast in the crock pot. Maybe later?"

I didn't even bother looking up as he murmured his agreement. I knew he was trying to get me out of the house more. He thought that I was moping over losing the job, but that was the least of my troubles.

If I thought that I was stuck in my life before, I was obviously delusional. In doing the right thing, I had left myself without options. The divorce was still possible, but without everything else lined up, I didn't see the point.

Women lived in bad marriages, much worse than mine, for decades. I could do it a little longer until I figured things out. I just didn't have the luxury of a fall back plan this time. I would also be completely at the mercy of Emmett. He could never know. I knew that now. He was a good person, but I knew that if he knew about my indiscretions with Edward, he would throw me out on my ass.

It also wouldn't accomplish anything since I pushed him away. Emmett wouldn't forgive him either. I had already screwed with their family enough. It would just be cruel to reveal our affair when nothing had come of it.

Selfishness had already ensured I would end up alone; I didn't need to add even more guilt.

Emmett looked refreshed as he joined me in the kitchen to dish up our dinner. He had changed into a t-shirt and a pair of old jeans, his hair obviously wet from a quick shower. He must have gone into the gym at some time today, he had been adamant about keeping up with his new gym schedule.

We talked a little about his current project at work while we ate. He didn't bother asking about my day, but it's probably because he knew that it was boring as hell. He had complained of boredom frequently during his forced rehabilitation. He would much rather be working than at home.

Once we were done, we quietly cleaned up, although his idea of cleaning up was putting his dirty plate in the sink for me to take care of. He was going to have a rude awakening of everything that I did for him once I was finally gone.

I joined him on the couch after I had finished cleaning the kitchen and putting the left overs away. He was working on his laptop and watching television, barely even noticing that I was sitting two feet away from him. It struck me how oblivious he was to me. How little he understood of me. I was drowning, and he never even noticed.

"Em, are you happy?" There, I had put it out there. He could answer as he pleased, but if he asked me the same I vowed to be honest with him.

He turned from his reclined position in the corner of the couch and closed his laptop. His fingers strummed along the surface lightly before he sighed and reached forward to place it on the coffee table.

"That's kind of a random question, Bells."

"I know," I mused as I twisted my hands in my lap, but he needed to answer the question. "It is a random question, but it's an important one."

"Yeah, I guess I am." It sounded more like a question than a statement. I was quiet as he continued. "I mean, this has been a hard adjustment. I feel like I've had to completely restructure my life around this disease, but I'm not going to complain or anything. I'm alive, I'm getting myself healthy again, and I have my friends and family here to support me. It'd be selfish of me to ask for everything to be perfect."

"Oh," I didn't really know how to respond to what he had said. Was that what I had been, selfish? Was I selfish to want someone to cherish me instead of taking me for granted? Things had been better between us, amiable, but our problems were still there.

"Why are you asking me this?" He asked as he leaned forward and placed his large hands atop of mine, ceasing my fidgeting. "Are you not happy?"

"I'm not miserable, no," I replied evenly as I looked into his large blue eyes. "But I can't lie to you and tell you that I'm happy. I haven't been for quite some time."

To his credit, he didn't appear to be angry, just concerned, and it struck me how much better of a person he was then I. "Is there anything I can do to change the way you feel?"

"I don't even know where to begin," I murmured as I felt the hot tears start to stream down my cheeks. I hadn't even realized that I was this close to tears, but I guess months of holding everything in had taken its toll.

Emmett gently stroked my hair as he pulled me tight against his strong chest. He let me cry against him, not once questioning my sudden outpouring of emotion. His methodical motions against me must have soothed me more than expected, because the next thing I knew, I was waking up in our bed, half clothed, and alone.

*** BD ***

I didn't see Emmett at all the next morning as I aimlessly went through my morning routine. I made coffee, cleaned up the house, and read a book quietly by the front window as snow flurried outside. It was still quite cold even though it was nearing the end of February, and I could feel that with spring; major changes were approaching.

He returned sometime before sunset, stomping off his shoes on the front mat and rubbing his hands together vigorously as he shed his large winter coat. He had a slightly dampened T-shirt on as well as a pair of long athletic pants, and I realized that he must have been at physical therapy.

"Hey."

He sounded happy as he greeted me, and I only wished that I could share his enthusiasm. I noticed that his large leather messenger back was sitting next to the front door, and wondered why he would have taken it with him to go work out.

I nodded in his direction as I started to unfold myself from the armchair, and he held up his hand to stop me.

"Oh, don't stop on my account. I just need to hop into the shower. Then I thought we could order some take-out for dinner and talk." There was something about the tone in his voice that threw me, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. I nodded as I relaxed back into the chair. "Great. I'll only be like ten minutes. Why don't you get the menus and figure out what you want?"

I stared after him as he started down the hallway, lowering his hands to the hem of his shirt as he pulled it up over his head. Looking at his nicely sculpted back used to send tremors of lust through me, reminding me of college, and how insatiable we both used to be.

We hadn't been intimate in months, and since he was almost through his initial recovery, I was surprised that he hadn't even attempted to initiate anything with me. I didn't know whether to be offended or relieved. I couldn't say that I didn't miss being with him, but it just didn't hold the appeal that it once had for me.

By the time he was dressed and returned to the living room, I had chosen a few items off of the Chinese food menu in front of me and was just waiting for his input to order the food.

We worked seamlessly around each other in the kitchen as we busied ourselves trying to get out plates, and pour ourselves drinks while we waited for the delivery person to get there. Emmett was relatively silent, he was pensive, thoughtful. Something was bothering him, but I was too afraid to ask him what it was.

The doorbell startled me and Em laughed as I spilled my water down the front of my shirt. I was still holding stubbornly onto that clumsy streak. It seemed to be one of my defining characteristics.

Blotting myself off with a kitchen towel, I rounded up the plates and utensils, and carried them into the living room and got everything settled on the coffee table.

The scents of the food made me realize how hungry I actually was as my stomach growled loudly and Emmett snickered at me as he put the paper bag down and began to pull out the familiar white paper containers.

I busied myself with serving myself up portions of the different dishes, and leaned back into the corner of the couch with my chopsticks as I waited for Emmett to start talking. If he wanted to talk about something, then he could begin.

"Sho," he started as he sloppily sucked a piece of lo mein into his mouth. He had always liked to talk with his mouth full. He swallowed and then turned to face me with a falsely bright smile. "How would you feel about taking a trip to go see your dad?"

"That would be nice," I responded, skeptical as to where this was going. Emmett loved Charlie, but he had always been bored out of his mind whenever he had been to Forks. "When were you thinking?"

"Two weeks from Thursday." That seemed like an awfully specific day, and I realized that was because he had probably already booked tickets. He never liked to wait once he had decided on something, a trait that had always irritated me, but how could I be mad when he was sending me to visit Charlie? I missed him, and I was a little bit curious about his new girlfriend.

"Get a deal on airfare? Two for one?" I joked, but I stopped when I saw how serious his face looked.

"Not exactly," he said as he swallowed hard, setting down his plate and leaning down to pull something from his bag that was now leaned against the side of the couch. "I was thinking about what you asked me last night, and today I did some real soul searching."

I frowned when I looked up at him, he looked almost sad, but resigned. It wasn't a face on Emmett that I was used to.

"I think you need to go visit your father. Get some time away from me, from all this, from Chicago." He handed me a small envelope with an airline logo emblazoned on the front. I tilted it and a single piece of paper slid into my hands - a boarding pass.

"I don't understand." There was only one, and it was one way – Chicago to Seattle.

"I'm not going with you, Bells."

"Alright," I said, drawing out the word. "I mean I know that you're starting back at work soon, but why one way?"

"I think we need some time apart. You aren't happy here anymore, and I don't know how to make that better for you. I guess I haven't seen it, haven't wanted to admit it to myself. But I don't think that this is working anymore." He paused and reached over to grab my hand. I hadn't even realized that he reached into his bag for something else, but a stack of stapled papers sat atop a single letter sized envelope in his other hand.

"I don't…..what's going on, Em? What is that?" I inclined my head towards the papers in his hand. I couldn't read them upside down, but they looked official. They were some kind of legal document.

"This isn't something that I am taking lightly, Bella. I hope you know that. We just don't want the same things anymore, and I think we were both fooling ourselves to think that everything would just go away without talking about it. Before I got sick, we fought a lot, and I don't want that anymore. This will make it easier on both of us."

He turned the papers in his hand and I choked on my words as I saw a single tear run down the side of his face. As he handed them to me, I finally realized what he was trying to do. He was letting me go. He was letting _us_ go. I didn't know whether to feel relieved or saddened that I seemed to be getting what I wanted.

**STATE OF ILLINOIS**

**Petition for Legal Separation**

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**A/N: For people who have asked, I haven't changed the plot from the original outline. This is what I had always planned to happen in the story, as well as the following chapters. Some of you may not like it, and I respect your feedback. **

**Since I disabled anonymous reviews I feel like there was a real jump in productive criticism. I know that there are people who do not like this story, characters, etc, but I am keeping true to **_**my**_** original vision for these characters. **

**They are far from perfect, and Bella is one of the most flawed. I know it irritates you that she can't seem to make a decision, but there are many women out there in RL who lack the fortitude to end their marriages as well. It's not easy to walk away from what you know.**

**For those of you who want to keep going with the story, thank you for your time and investment in this story and its characters. Just keep an open mind and know that everything will be resolved in time.**


	16. Moving Out and On

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but did finally see Breaking Dawn and loved it, even the creepy CG work they did on skeletor….I mean Kristen. Is it bad that I kinda found distraught Robward hot?**

**So huge thank you to my pre-readers, yet again. They are made of awesome. Carenl/nerac for her hatred of the dreaded Rose in this chapter, and Beegurl13 for thinking Charlie is adorable….They both make sure that these updates are the best that they can be.**

**Angst level is lower in this chapter….sort of….so plan accordingly…**

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**Chapter 15: Moving Out…and On**

I felt helpless as I sat on the couch in the living room, the suitcases already by the front door, my purse on the table in front of me and the packed carry on with my laptop beside me on the familiar cushions.

Getting what you want sometimes isn't easy. I found myself mourning the loss of my marriage in strange ways in the days from when he handed me the papers until I sat ready to leave for the airport. One morning I would wake to a tremendous amount of relief in my big empty bed – seeing as Emmett had taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom. Other days I would cry myself to sleep as well as awake, trying to figure out where everything went wrong.

Angela was the only person who knew what was going on, but she had her own problems with the arrival of morning sickness and its apparent joys. I felt so alone, and Emmett's presence in the brownstone was like that of a ghost. I knew he was there, but I rarely saw him, and he was practically silent. He didn't talk to me outside of perfunctory hellos and goodbyes if I happened upon him in the house, and even then, he wouldn't look me in the eye.

He looked sad, but resigned, and he stayed away from the house – away from me – as much as he could possibly get away with and still remain living here.

Nothing was resolved, no plans were made, but this morning I had woken up entirely too early and finally faced reality. He had made the decision I had never been able to, so I made one too. I signed the papers, slipped them back in the envelope, and walked to the post office box down the street. The loud thunk that the envelope made when it hit the bottom of the metal box resounded greatly with me, and it didn't do anything to lift the weight from my chest.

I spent the rest of my morning methodically packing my suitcases and trying not to think about what would happen when I finally returned to Chicago. This trip was about as far from a vacation as you could get, going to one of the smallest towns in rural Washington for an undetermined amount of time. I vowed to myself that I would return to Chicago once I figured out what my next step was.

Chicago no longer felt like my home, and I knew that once the divorce was final – in six to seven months – that I needed to figure out where that would be. I honestly had no idea. I really had no ties to anywhere other than Florida, where my frigid disapproving mother lived, and Washington, where my reclusive, quiet father resided. Neither option really screamed out at me, but I guessed that it was a start.

I left the house without seeing Emmett. He never came out of the guest bedroom. He knew when I was leaving, he did book the tickets, but I can't say that I blamed him for not seeing me off.

My car was almost suffocating in its silence as I made my way to O'Hare. It was just easier for my car to be parked in long term parking since I wasn't sure when I was coming back. We both needed some time away from each other or the next six months was going to become even more uncomfortable.

I hoped that I could find whatever it was that I was looking for in Seattle, because Chicago held too many painful memories for me anymore. If it was at all possible, I didn't want to have to resort to staying in Forks, it was just too small. Seattle was large enough for me to be comfortable, and close to Charlie.

After arriving in the parking lot, I struggled with my bags and rode the shuttle to the main terminal. The airport seemed busy, but I really didn't do anything more than go through the motions of getting checked in and through security. The coffee I got at the kiosk near the gate didn't even make a dent in the mental fog.

I spent a half hour staring out the window at my gate waiting for boarding to call. Luckily, Em had sprung for a business class ticket, so I was able to get on the plane and get settled quickly. I didn't even notice that the plane was done boarding until the flight attendants announced that we were backing away from the gate.

The calm tenor of their voices didn't register as I closed my eyes and leaned against the window beside me. They didn't even get to the part of their routine involving putting on your own oxygen mask first before I was asleep.

*** BD ***

The jarring sensation of the wheels touching down startled me awake. I had slept through the entire four and a half hour flight. It was a weird sensation knowing you were completely vulnerable in a compartment full of strangers for such a long time, but I guess it beat the monotonous boredom in such a long direct flight.

Stepping out of the door of the plane and onto the skybridge which would take me into Sea-Tac felt anti-climactic. I thought I would feel like a burden was lifted. If anything, I felt even more adrift.

Emmett had given me the thing I thought I had wanted most, and yet I couldn't get the suffocating weight off of my chest that made me feel like I was sinking. It still hurt, not because I was losing my husband, but because it didn't solve anything.

I was still in love with his brother, who I hadn't talked to in almost two months. I had no idea what I was going to do in six months. Where was I going to live? Would I move? How would I even support myself? I came in to the marriage with next to nothing, and that's all I had left, nothing.

Emmett and I both deserved a fresh start, but mine was already tainted. The hole in my chest was never going to heal. I had thrown away the one man that I probably could have had a happy future with. If we had met under any other circumstances, if he wasn't my husband's brother, if we were living in an alternative universe, then I could have seen us growing old together. But it wasn't meant to be.

_Fuck….I needed to stop dwelling on this…._

I aimlessly navigated my way through the airport and down to the baggage claim. There were only a few bags left, two of which were mine, and I recognized that I was probably wandering around the airport, lost in my head, for a little bit too long.

When I was a teenager, it probably would have bothered me to see a squad car waiting at the curb to pick me up, but now, I was just happy to see Charlie. He was a man of few words, and was harder than hell to get close to, but I loved my dad.

He rushed to my side as I fought to keep both of my suitcases from toppling over as my laptop bag threatened to slip from my shoulder. It seemed that revolving doors were out to get me.

"You know you could have called your old man to come help you out," he teased as he picked up my larger suitcase and loaded it into the trunk of the cruiser.

"Wouldn't want you to throw your back out or anything. You're not as young as you use to be. Although, you wouldn't be able to tell just looking at you," I laughed as I realized that the prominent gray hairs that had colored his hair the last time I saw him had all but disappeared. "You find the fountain of youth, or did you get a deal on some Grecian formula?"

Charlie blushed beet red, and I could barely hold back my laughter as he quickly stowed the rest of my bags and ran around to his side of the car. I knew that his new look probably had something to do with his new lady friend, but it was still strange to see my dad looking ten years younger. He even looked as if he may have been eating healthier as well.

"Uh, well….I guess I do look a bit silly. It was Sue's idea. The ladies at the beauty parlor downtown had a hell of a time with the whole ordeal. I still get crap from the guys at the barber's that I let them touch me with the frilly gel hair dye."

"It looks great, Dad," I smiled as I patted him on the hand. He looked significantly less embarrassed, and may have even preened a little under my simple compliment.

"Well, I'd say that you look great too, Bells, and you do, but I couldn't help but notice that you look a little weary. Something on your mind?"

I knew that we had a long drive ahead of us, and I didn't really feel like crying while stuck in a car with my father. "I'll tell you once we get home, Charlie, I think we both might need a beer for that conversation."

He chuckled loudly and nodded before he pulled out into traffic. "Guess I'll have to stop by the store on the way, can't really say that I take you for a Vitamin R kinda girl."

The drive back to Forks was long, but pleasant. He told me about his new girlfriend – Sue – and how his trip to visit her family over the holidays went. It was so weird to hear about my father dating, I mean, I knew he was young, only in his mid-forties, but still, it was weird.

He seemed really happy, I was glad, because when I was a teenager, he seemed so lost. I knew that he never really got closure with my mother, she never really allowed him to, she just up and left, made it like she never existed. It made me realize how much my mother and I were alike.

That scared me, I didn't want to be like her, distant and emotionally stunted; completely unavailable. I knew that I wasn't her, but I easily could be with the right amount of bad choices and cynicism.

Charlie seemed to be a completely different man, and when I took my first step into the house, I realized how true that was.

There was new carpet, the old faded shag long gone. The walls had been painted, there were actually curtains hung in the windows, and it looked like the kitchen had been completely remodeled. I absently wondered where he got the money to do all of the upgrades, but I realized that his social life until recently largely consisted of sitting in front of his television. I was sure that his savings account had probably been sitting unused for years.

"Wow," I breathed, running my hands along the back of what looked to be a new leather couch. "It doesn't even look the same."

Charlie laughed as he deposited my six-pack of Heineken bottles into his new black refrigerator. "Yeah, the house was starting to crumble faster than I could fix it, so I just decided it was better to re-do some of it than keep fixing the same things over and over. I mean, I only did about half the work myself, but I think it looks nice. Sue says it's good for the resale value. Not that Forks is known for its real estate market, but you know, seemed like a good investment."

I laughed at his nervous rambling. He didn't need to justify his choices to me, but I just found it odd that I didn't even know my own father anymore. He had managed to completely reinvent his life, and I couldn't even figure out mine.

"It's….it's great, Dad. I really like it."

"Why don't you go on ahead and get settled in upstairs." I didn't even notice that he had brought my suitcases in until he was handing them to me next to the staircase. "I'll be down here watching ESPN when you're ready to talk."

The upstairs seemed to carry on the new look of the house with a fresh coat of paint and new white trim around all the doorways and baseboards.

I got a little nostalgic as I peeked into what used to be my old room, the green walls now a warm yellow. There was a new wire framed double bed that had a rich chocolate brown comforter instead of the small twin that had once held my purple bedding. I was sure that Charlie had kept all of my old things; they were probably up in the tiny attic at the end of the hall. Even in my old home I seem to have been replaced.

It's not that I didn't like it, but I realized that everyone but me seemed to be moving on. I wondered if it would be that easy for me to do the same.

After packing away my things in the new cherry dresser in the corner, I stowed my suitcases under the bed and realized that Charlie was probably waiting for me downstairs. I had stalled long enough.

Charlie was half obscured by the fridge as I walked into the kitchen, obviously he had finished his first beer and was going for another, because even with his new look, I knew that he could burn water.

"You ready to talk, Bells?" he smiled as he handed me one of the green glass bottles, the cap already removed.

"Now's as good a time as any."

I followed him into the living room and sat down on the edge of one of the new armchairs as he flopped down onto his new sofa and kicked up the reclining foot. I was wondering where his recliner was, but apparently Sue had gotten him to compromise by having it hidden in his new leather couch.

Bringing my bottle to my mouth, I tipped it back and swallowed, downing half the bottle before I set it down on the coffee table with a sigh.

"Em and I are getting a divorce."

I didn't look up, and he didn't say anything for a few minutes. He muted the television and set down the remote with a sigh.

"Can't say I'm not surprised, hun. That boy loved you, but you've both been a little off the past couple of years. When I came out to Chicago to see you guys last, you just didn't seem like you were happy."

"I wasn't," I whispered, picking my bottle back up and finishing it off before setting it back down. The alcohol warmed me a little, but I was still mostly numb. I felt like a failure. Even though he had been through his own divorce, I still felt like I should be ashamed that I couldn't make my marriage work.

"Then why the long face, Bella? I mean, I know it's hard to see your marriage fall apart – trust me…but sometimes it's for the best."

"I guess I just feel like I have no idea what's going on in my life. I've just gone through the motions for so long that I have no idea where to go from here."

"You make it sound like the end of the world, kid," he gave me a weak smile as he pushed the reclining foot down and scooted over to the edge of the sofa closest to my chair. "I know it's not easy to go through something like this, but I know you'll be just fine. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and if I can pick up the pieces while taking care of a pre-teen girl, then you've got it made. You can start over, do what you always wanted."

The tears started to come out in earnest as he placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. It must have been so hard for Charlie when Renee left, but I was so mad at her that I didn't even think about how he was feeling. He was an amazing father, but I know I wasn't always the easiest teenager.

"Oh Daddy," I whimpered as I turned towards him and threw my arms around his shoulders. He just held me to him and ran his hand down my back as I cried. He didn't even know the reason why I was really heartbroken, but I knew that he would lose all respect for me if he did. His own wife had cheated on him and then left him. It would break his heart to know that his daughter was capable of the same deception.

I missed Edward so much, but there was nothing I could do about it now. I had already jerked him around enough with my own indecision, and I wouldn't do that to him again.

*** BD ***

The trip to Seattle was quiet in the rental car by myself. Charlie had volunteered to come with me, but if the job leads that I had gotten from the employment office at Northwestern panned out, then I might be staying longer than just the weekend for interviews.

As the ferry docked at the station, I made my way down to the car hold and got back in to wait to unload. There weren't many cars riding over on the ten am ferry on a Friday, so it only took twenty minutes. I turned on the GPS as I pulled out of the lot

The first school I was going to was having a career fair today, so I had to park along the road near the school. There were people everywhere. Students were milling about in the courtyard off to the side, enjoying the rare sunny day. The weather here was milder than Chicago, but it was perpetually wet. I wasn't sure if I would miss the snow, but I guess if I ended up moving here, I'd find out next year.

The administrative staff was flying around the small office when I walked in, completely oblivious to my appearance until I cleared my throat.

"Can I help you?" The girl in front of me looked like she could be young enough to be a student, but her dress clothes indicated otherwise.

"I'm here to see Katrina Winters and Principal Matthews. My name is Isabella Cu…Swan."

She frowned and then ran her finger down a schedule on the desk, stopping at my maiden name. I figured it was bound to change by the time I actually started work, so I used it instead of Cullen. It felt equally scary and liberating to think about not being tied to that name anymore.

"Well I have an Isabella _Swan_," she murmured sarcastically as she arched an eyebrow at my slip. "I'm guessing that's what you meant."

I nodded with a tight smile, not exactly appreciating her attitude. I could tell she would just be a peach to work with if I got the job. That would of course involve me getting through an interview without babbling like an idiot.

"You can have a seat; the panel is in with another candidate right now. They'll come get you when they're done."

I took a seat in one of the uncomfortable looking chairs that were lined up along the front window. They purposely designed those things so they tortured the students waiting to get their asses chewed by the principal. I was convinced it was a universal form of student intimidation.

"Jane," a deep voice intoned from the side entrance to the office, I was assuming that it was for teachers. The door swung open and in walked the last person I had expected to see here, much less in Seattle. I hadn't realized that he left Chicago.

He looked exactly the same, tall, athletic build, dark – almost black – hair, russet skin, and deep set dimples. I was both nervous and excited at the prospect of seeing him here, but I wasn't sure I should call attention to myself with little blonde Barbie in the room. She didn't seem to like me.

"I don't have them yet, Seth. You're going to have to come back later. There've been people in and out of here all morning, and I can't get anything done."

"Aw….come on, Janey. I need those forms for my fourth period class or the whole trip is gonna fall through. I guess they don't want you to take eleventh graders to a concert downtown without permission slips. I already had to spend an hour with the school board convincing them that it is a viable sociological observation."

"Oh fine. Watch this one," she said motioning towards me, and then grabbed a folder and headed towards the back part of the office.

Seth turned around slowly and I tried to keep my face neutral as he leaned against the desk and casually looked my way. It had been years, but I hoped that he didn't forget me. He had been a good friend in my education classes. He wasn't Emmett's biggest fan, but he had still dutifully come to our wedding with the rest of my friends from Northwestern.

At first I thought that he didn't recognize me, but then he smiled widely as he did a double take.

"Well if it isn't little Bella Swan," he mused as he crossed to where I was sitting and plopped down in the seat next to me. "Last I heard, you and Em settled down in Chicago. Since when are you interviewing in my school all the way out here in Seattle?"

"It's a very new development," I said as I spun the ring I still hadn't taken off of my finger.

"So did Emmett get a transfer or…." He left the comment open-ended as bit my lip.

"Or. Definitely or…."

"How've you been?" he asked, obviously sensing my discomfort with the subject of my estranged husband.

"Alright, Chicago was….complicated. I'm still trying to figure everything out. Ask me in a few months and I might be able to give you an answer. What have you been up to? I had no idea you'd moved all the way out here."

"I followed a girl," he said with a wry smile. He was always a little bit of a ladies man among the education majors, and a notorious flirt, but I'd always kinda seen him as a brother. Although with my track record, brothers weren't exactly off limits.

"And?"

"She slept with my roommate who was a fellow teacher at the first school I worked at out here."

"Ouch."

"It's alright. I stayed out here anyways. I'm glad I did, because I met another girl."

I looked down to his left hand, no ring, so he obviously hadn't married her, but not everyone rushed into a wedding right after college like Em and I did.

"Her name's Anna. We live together. She's friends with some people that work here. That's how we met. There are a lot of young teachers at this school, most of them are single; so we go out on the weekends quite a bit."

"Sounds like fun."

"It is. I think you'd fit in around here. It kinda reminds me of college sometimes."

"I still have to interview for the job, Seth."

"Ah, you'll get it. You always were an over achiever."

"I hope you're right."

It turned out that Seth was right. The principal offered me the job that day, I was to come back in July for some training, but she put her faith in me and I ran with it. The decision to move to Seattle was made for me.

The following weekend and beginning of the next week was spent living in a hotel and touring apartments during the day.

It felt like what I had gone through in January with Edward, but this time, I knew I would be living there for longer than a few months, so this was an important decision.

After going through everything from condos for rent to rooms in old houses, I finally decided on a one bedroom apartment not too far from the area my school was in. It was too far to walk, but I knew I still had a mountain bike back in the garage at Charlie's house.

I still wasn't sure if I was going to try to fight for my little Audi, but in the scheme of things, Seattle wasn't a city you had to have a car in. I would make things work until I saved up to get a new car if I had to.

Knowing that I had to be back in July for training, I set my lease to start July 1st. It was only about six weeks away from when I had booked my return ticket, so I knew that gave me enough time to get things settled in Chicago before I headed back.

Time had seemed to fly since I left Chicago. What had been a probably short trip for a few weeks in March had turned into a two month trip ending in May. I had been gone for so long but it seemed like I just walked away from Edward yesterday. It had been almost four months since I had talked to him, and the pain hadn't gone away at all.

I found myself constantly thinking about him even though I didn't want to. Wondering if he'd found someone else to be with. It frightened me that I still had such a strong yearning for him when he'd probably already moved onto someone else. Someone younger, more suited for him and that didn't come with all my baggage.

*** BD ***

It was difficult to say goodbye to Charlie after spending so much time with him, but I was secure in the knowledge that I would most likely see him again in a few weeks. I had to be back in Seattle in late July to start my teacher orientation, and get moved into my new apartment.

I lucked out and it took no time at all to get through security since my flight was so early in the morning, the airport was quiet, which helped keep me calm for the trip back to Chicago. I couldn't really call it home anymore, but I still felt the weight of everything that happened there pressing on me from so far away.

Emmett had only called once during the weeks I had been away, and the sad thing was that I thought about how Edward was handling this all more than I had thought about Emmett. He had to know that Em had filed for separation, which usually led to divorce, and he was probably wondering why I hadn't contacted him yet.

The truth was, I wanted to say goodbye to him, to tell him to get on with his life and forget about me, but I knew I would break down and want to stay with him if I did. Moving to Seattle was what was best for me in the long run, and he would probably always be in Chicago. Things didn't work out long distance, and what kind of life would that be anyways? Living across the country from each other and still having to keep everything a secret. That would just be a disaster.

The long flight went quicker than I thought it would, and soon enough I was walking through long-term parking hunting down my car. I had missed it while I was stuck driving around the stale smelling rental car, and I hated that I would most likely have to leave it here.

That's what I was dreading about this trip, Emmett and I were finally going to have to sit down and discuss everything. Who got what and what was going to happen when. Even if everything went smoothly, and we agreed on everything, it would probably still be September before I was totally free of my old life here.

*** BD ***

There was luckily parking on the street a little ways down from the brownstone near the area of the park that I used to run in every day. I would need to find some place new once I got settled into my new apartment. Although that was true of just about everything, I was going to have to start completely from scratch with my whole life. I wasn't sure if that was scary or exciting.

I knocked loudly when I got to the front door. I still had my key, but it just felt weird to barge in on him with no notice. I had left him a voicemail yesterday letting him know I was coming back to Chicago, but he hadn't responded.

"Hold on, let me get your money, I'll be right….." the distinctly feminine voice cut off as the door swung open. To say that I was surprised that Rosalie Hale was standing in the doorway of what was still technically my home was an understatement. She looked just as shocked to see me as she reached up to straighten her messy ponytail. Her appearance at the door wasn't what surprised me the most though; it was the fact that she was wearing a much too big Northwestern t-shirt and what appeared to be a pair of the tiniest athletic shorts I had ever seen. She was barefoot and seemed to have made herself right at home.

"Rose," I said flatly raising an eyebrow in challenge.

"Bella," she breathed out like she was afraid I was going to lunge in the door at her, which for a split second might have been a legitimate worry.

I couldn't fucking believe this. It was one thing to be seeing her, I obviously had no say about that part of Emmett's life anymore, but to let her answer his door dressed like that when he knew I was coming today just pissed me off.

As if she could tell I was going to explode, she called out for Emmett behind her and stepped back from the door, letting me into the entryway.

"Did the food come already, Rosie? Ben just called and said that he was going to be a little la…Oh….." He came to an abrupt stop when he saw me standing there. He looked surprised, but more than anything he looked nervous.

_Yeah, you better be scared….._

"I didn't realize that you'd be here already, Bells."

"Came straight from the airport. I told you when my flight was getting in when I left you that voicemail yesterday. Must have slipped your mind, huh?"

He ran his hand up the back of his neck and his expression looked sheepish.

"I just figured you'd get settled in at the hotel first."

"Hotel?" I mean, it would make sense, considering that we were legally separated, but this was still my house too until we were divorced. I just expected I could stay in the guest bedroom until I got my things packed up to take back to Seattle with me.

"I….uh, I thought you probably wouldn't want to stay here."

Rosalie huffed behind me, and I turned to glare at her, wishing that she would just go away.

"What is your problem?"

"Did you just think that he'd be here waiting to welcome you with open arms?"

"Excuse me? This is still my house until I have papers in my hand saying that it isn't. Not that this is any of your business. Why are you still here anyways?"

"Bella," Emmett snapped and I turned around to face him.

"What? Couldn't she give us some privacy?"

Before he could answer me, Rosalie bitched over my shoulder again.

"Well I do live here, so maybe _you_ are the one who should leave."

"What?"

I admit that my volume may have been a little loud, but excuse me, she was _living _in my house?

"Shit," Emmett pulled me back from her by my hand. I hadn't even realized I had started towards her, but I did very much feel one of my hands balled in a fist.

Here I was thinking that I would come back, have a nice calm chat with him about what was going on, and he had moved his fucking mistress into my house.

"Rose, just go to your room. You're not helping things right now."

Once she had brushed past us and headed down the hall towards the guest bedroom, I unleashed on him.

"Are you fucking kidding me? She lives here? I've been gone for a little over a month and you moved that bitch into _our_ house!"

"Bella, I was going to talk to you about it, but….god. This is weird. I haven't talked to you for a month, and you didn't exactly call either. She didn't have anywhere else to go…."

I held my hand up to interrupt him. "Whoa! Just because your little fuck buddy didn't have anywhere to go doesn't mean you can move her into our house. I know that we're splitting up, but do you honestly have no common sense?"

His face flashed red and he grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand off of where I had apparently been poking him in the chest.

"First of all, she is _not_ my fuck buddy. What the hell is wrong with you? She didn't have anywhere to go because her lease ended and her new one doesn't start for two weeks. She's staying in the guest bedroom, and she's paying me rent to stay here."

"What about Alice?"

"She and Jasper moved into their new apartment last week."

"Doesn't she have any other friends or anything? Why does she have to stay here?"

He sighed as he rubbed his neck again, a trademark that he was irritated or stressed out.

"She was supposed to stay with Edward, but after you left town they got into some huge fight and they aren't talking. Not that he's talking to anyone nowadays." The last part was under his breath as he rolled his eyes. Things were obviously still strained between them. I felt a pang of sadness that Edward was fighting with his friends.

"Look. I'll pay for her to stay somewhere while you're here. Just give me a few hours to get things together. I didn't know you'd flip out that she was here. I know you didn't get along, but I was just trying to help out a friend."

"You really aren't sleeping with her?"

He shook his head and let out a loud breath. "No, we're just friends. Not that she hasn't implied that she wants more, but we _are_ still married."

He obviously had more of a commitment to our vows that I had. Things with Edward were more than over, but it didn't change the fact that I still betrayed Em, even if he would probably never know.

"I'm sorry," I muttered looking down at my hands.

"Hey, stop that," he said tilting my chin up so I would look him in the eye. "I'm not going to say that you both didn't get a little out of hand, but I can see how it looked to you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about her moving in, I should have regardless of how weird things are for the both of us right now."

The doorbell rang, startling us both and Emmett got up to get the takeout food that they had ordered. Just after he brought the food inside and headed to the kitchen, a knock at the front door sounded and I went to open the door.

Ben was standing there with a bright smile on his face. He dropped his messenger bag on the steps and scooped me up into a big hug and I felt the tension from earlier drop away. I think I was going to miss him and Angela the most, especially with the baby coming in August. I would miss them, but it still didn't change the fact that I needed to move on with my life, and that would be in Seattle.

"B! I missed you, but you better have called Ange and let her know you were back or she will pitch a fit. She's already gonna be pissed I saw you first."

_Way to make a girl feel guilty…._

"I'll be in town for a week, maybe two. I'll make sure to call her soon, I promise."

"Only a few weeks? Where are you going? Back to visit your dad again?"

Oh…..shit. Obviously Em had left our friends out of the loop. I thought he would have told them that we were separating. I mean that didn't necessarily mean that I would stay in Chicago, but still.

"Em hasn't told you."

"Told me what?"

I pushed him further out on the porch, not wanting Em to hear before I told him officially, and I definitely didn't want _her_ knowing any more of my business than she already did.

"We're separated. I'm just back to work out the details of how we want to go about the divorce. I'm moving to Seattle."

"Shit, I'm sorry."

I shrugged, it was what it was. Em and I were both getting what we wanted, so there was no use beating myself up about it anymore than I already had.

"So two weeks and you're gone? For good?"

I nodded and he grimaced. This was going to hurt Angela. I hated that, but I had to put myself first for once, and my future wasn't in Chicago. There were too many bad memories for me to stay here any longer.

Em must have heard us talking on the front steps and opened the door to tell us to come back inside. "The food's gonna get cold and Rose is getting the boards set up in the living room for us to go over."

After joining the three of them for a very awkward meal, I excused myself to get some things I was going to need.

Luckily, I had gotten to U-Haul at the right time in the season that the college students hadn't completely depleted their stock. I reserved a truck and a vehicle trailer, just in case, and got myself as many boxes as I could shove into my Audi's back seat and trunk.

By the time I got back from running my errands, Ben had gone home and Rose was curled up in one corner of the couch with her feet stretched into Emmett's lap on the other end. They looked quite comfortable with their living situation, and I found myself wondering when they would finally get together. It still bothered me, but it was obvious that they were attracted to each other. It wasn't as if I could dictate who my soon to be ex-husband would date. I just wished it wasn't _her._

I was at a loss at where to go, it would be weird to join them, but it felt just a weird to go back to the bedroom, it wasn't exactly mine anymore. I mean, it was still technically my house too, but I didn't feel comfortable with her here.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Bells?" Em asked sliding Rose's feet off his lap and covering them up with the blanket in her lap. I can't even remember the last time that he did something like that for me.

I followed him to the kitchen and he looked worried as he turned to face me, leaning up against one of the counters.

"She doesn't want to go to a hotel." He was whispering so she wouldn't hear us, and I felt my anger flare up again.

"And I care because?" I knew I was being a brat, but I wasn't the one who should be kicked out of my own home when I was trying to get everything together to move.

"I was thinking that maybe you could take our, I mean _the _bed in the master, and I could just stay on the couch until you have everything packed up. It folds out, so I mean, it wouldn't be that bad for a week or so."

I rolled my eyes and realized that this was as easy as it was going to get with her being here.

"She promised to stay out of your way. She's going to go out with Alice tomorrow for most of the day, so you shouldn't have to worry about her being here while we get things figured out."

"Fine." I was so beyond irritated with this, but it's not like she hadn't insinuated herself into our lives before now anyways.

"So tomorrow?" he asked, looking kind of forlorn.

I nodded. "Tomorrow. We'll get everything figured out tomorrow. I'm going to go get settled in, just let me know if you need to get anything out of the room."

He gave me a half-hearted smile as he walked back out to rejoin Rose on the couch. When I finally emerged from the kitchen they were both laughing and smiling at each other, and I realized that I needed to get things wrapped up in Chicago sooner than I had planned. There was no way in hell I was putting up with this shit for any longer than I had to. This was not how I pictured things playing out.

*** BD ***

When I awoke the next morning, I was totally confused. The stress of the day must have taken more out of me than I realized. I was still dressed in the clothes from the day before, curled up in the middle of the still made bed. My suitcase was still sitting open in the corner of the comforter, and I had obviously forgotten to close the curtains, because it was way too bright in here.

I hadn't remembered falling asleep, but I did remember curling up on the bed and closing my eyes because I just felt overwhelmed. I was surprised that I slept so soundly considering the two hour time difference, but when I looked at the clock I realized that it was just after seven a.m. It was going to be a _long_ day.

Not wanting to wake up the other two residents of the house, I went into the closet and started to sort out what was mine versus what was his. Emmett's things had kind of migrated into every nook and cranny, so I spent a lot of time re-hanging his clothes and putting them where they should go, not that I really had a say anymore. It was going to be strange living by myself again in a few weeks when I had been so used to organizing a household for two.

By nine o'clock, I had managed to sort and fold all of my clothes onto the top of the bed, and the closet was looking fairly empty on what used to be my side. I found myself wondering how soon that space would be filled and by who.

Deciding I had accomplished enough for now, and following the lead of my growling stomach, I quickly got showered and dressed. The living room and kitchen were empty when I finally emerged from the bedroom, and a small pile of blankets and pillows were taking up residence in the arm chair. I guess Emmett really had slept on the pull-out couch.

I could hear noises from the guest bathroom, so I assumed that Rose was awake and getting herself ready, but I had yet to see Emmett. His running shoes were missing from the rack by the door, so I assumed he had kept up with his exercise regime.

The refrigerator was surprisingly not empty, which had been the permanent state of the one that was in Emmett's apartment when we were in college. It was filled with fairly healthy food, and it seemed that he had also kept up with his new healthy diet while I was gone. I guess he was capable of taking care of himself while I was gone. That made me kind of sad. He really didn't need me anymore.

True, I had despised my sole purpose being his caretaker, but it was still nice to feel needed, even if it was by the wrong person. I had a feeling I was in for a rude awakening at how lonely my new solitary life would be.

Pulling out the ingredients I would need, I made myself an omelet with cheese, bits of ham, and some fresh red pepper. I may have made one larger than I knew that I could eat, and tucked half of it on a plate in the microwave. I'm sure Em would be hungry when he got back from his run.

The paper was where it always was on Sunday mornings, and I scooped it up from the top step before I settled in at the table near the kitchen and combed through the sections.

Em came in after a short while and sniffed at the kitchen, obviously smelling that I had made breakfast.

"What'd you make?" he enquired as he sat across from me at the table and leaned down to untie his shoes. His brow was slightly sweaty and his under armor shirt was clinging to the muscles of his biceps and chest. It was obvious that he really had been taking care of himself while I was gone, he didn't have that doughy look to him anymore. He looked cut and healthy. I was strangely proud of him.

"Omelet, the other half is wrapped up in the microwave if you want it."

He beamed at me as he popped up from his chair and headed off to get his breakfast.

"Mmmm, tha ih soooo gah," he moaned as he wasted no time shoveling it into his mouth once he returned to the table. "Tank oo, Bells."

I nodded and tried not to laugh at his expression, and I hoped that we could both remain this light and carefree around each other once we got down to business this afternoon.

"Do you mind if I?" he motioned down the hallway to the master bedroom, obviously wanting to get cleaned up.

I nodded, it's not like I was going to stop him from using his own bathroom.

Deciding I didn't want to be around when the dragon emerged from its lair, I quickly retrieved my purse and set off to walk to my favorite coffee shop.

It was probably a bad idea to be going to a place that Edward frequented so much, but I needed something other than the Starbucks I had been consuming while in Seattle.

The barista seemed surprised to see me. I had been one of his regular customers for years, but had dropped off the face of the planet for the past few months. We made small talk about the neighborhood while he made my drink, and I thanked and tipped him generously before I decided that I wanted to go for a walk instead of staying in the shop.

There were too many memories there, and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be drudging up the past.

"Bella," a very familiar voice called out from down the street behind me, and I picked up my steps. There was no way that he had seen my face yet, so maybe if I walked fast enough I could get away from him.

I was in no way ready to see Edward, and it may have made me a coward, but I didn't want to be the one to tell him that I wasn't coming back to Chicago. I had to leave this life, and him, behind, and seeing him would only set me back and upset him.

He obviously gave up chase when I tucked myself into a doorway on a side street. I hoped that he wouldn't try to find me; it made the need to get out of town soon even greater. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to lie to him again, and telling him that I loved him would kill me.

It was easier that I was leaving and had never actually said the words. I had convinced myself that not saying the words made it easier to stay away from him.

When I got back to what would soon be my former home, I was surprised to see the back of my U-Haul open, and a few boxes were already inside. I had gotten some things packed up this morning, but I never expected them to be loaded into the truck by anyone but me.

I caught Emmett coming out the door with another few boxes in his arms, a large marking across the side of the box. He had packed up my books for me. I wasn't sure if I was touched that he was helping, or concerned that he was trying to get me out as fast as possible.

"Sorry for assuming that I could put these out here," he said as he brushed his hands on his jeans and pulled the door down on the back of the truck. "Do you have a lock?"

I nodded and moved to unlock the door of my car. "I bought one yesterday, just let me get it."

He stood awkwardly by my car door as I got it out of the glove box and handed it back to him. He walked back to the truck and secured it while I grabbed the last few empty boxes out of my backseat and relocked the car.

"All set. Here's the key," he dropped the set of two into my hand managing to completely avoid touching me. It felt strange to miss his casual touches.

"Um…..I saw that you got the car trailer," he pointed back to where it sat unhitched behind the truck. He must have moved it out of the way to load in my boxes. I couldn't imagine moving that thing by myself, so I was happy that he was helping me.

"I…um…I wasn't sure what you wanted to do with," I said motioning back towards my car. That was part of what I wanted to get settled today. Who would get what now that I was really leaving.

"No, that's cool. I'm glad you thought ahead to reserve it. I wasn't sure how you were going to get it to Seattle."

"So it's?"

"Yours."

I sighed in relief when he said that. It was stupid to be attached to a car, but it was one less thing to worry about now.

"I went to the title office and signed it over to you. It's just in your name. All you have to do is sign the new title. Although, you probably have to get it retitled once you get to Washington. This way you won't have any problems with it. We finished paying it off last year, so it's all yours now."

"Thank you, Em."

"I know we still need to go over things, but your lawyer said that you didn't want anything. Do you want to go inside and talk about what I've set up for you?"

When Emmett said that he set things up, I had no idea what he meant, but I soon found out that he was definitely a much better person than I was without any doubts.

He had not only retitled the car in my name, but he had taken a portion of his trust fund and transferred it into an investment account with my name on it. Then there was the cashier's check for $20,000 which he had handed to me.

"It'll get you started, you know, for expenses when you get settled in. I wasn't sure what you needed, but it's half of what was in the joint savings account. I thought since I wanted to keep the house, that I'd put your half in an investment account. I'm sure you don't care about this stuff, but transferring from the trust was easier if I had somewhere for it to go. The taxes and everything are all taken care of. If you need more…"

I held my hand up to stop him. I was on the verge of crying as it was. My thought was that I was going to leave Chicago with some meager belongings and live on an air mattress until I started getting paid, and he had done this.

"No, Em. This is….wow….more than I ever expected. You didn't have to do this."

"I wasn't going to let you walk away with nothing. We've been together a long time, Bells. This is just as much yours as it is mine."

"Thank you." I wasn't sure what else to say.

"Was there anything else you wanted? I mean, half the stuff in that kitchen I wouldn't even know how to use. I would offer you the furniture from the guest bedroom, but Rose…"

"I'll look through the kitchen, thank you. The truck probably isn't big enough to fit much furniture, but would you mind if I took my desk?"

"No, go ahead. You bought that before we got married, so it's yours. Just let me know when you're ready to load it in and I'll help you. Uh…when were you planning on heading out?" I could tell he didn't want to rush me, but it was a valid question.

"Well, most of my stuff is sorted out already. I can probably get everything boxed up this afternoon if you can help me load it tonight, then I can get on the road tomorrow. I'll just drop my boxes off at the storage in my apartment building since my lease doesn't start for a while. The landlord told me I could rent a storage locker in the basement if I need it. I'm sure Charlie won't mind having me for a little longer than planned."

"You're more than welcome to stay a little while if you wanted to visit with anyone before you left."

"No, that's alright. It's probably better for me to get out there and get used to things before I start work."

"Doesn't the semester start in August? That's a few months away still. I don't want you to feel like you have to leave."

_Trust me, Em. It's better for everyone if I just leave._

"I have orientation with the district and my school starting in July, so I'm sure I'll have enough to keep me busy. Thank you though."

"Well, just let me know if you need any help. I'll just be in the living room watching the game if you need me."

"Thanks, Em"

He nodded as he left the kitchen. I quickly went through the kitchen and pulled out anything I thought I might want. I doubted that Emmett had ever used the Kitchen Aid mixer or most of the small appliances. I basically just left the toaster and the coffee maker.

The pans I had coveted on our wedding registry came with me, as well as my baking pans, but I left him all of the dishes and wedding china. I could always easily replace those. I would have to leave him a list of what he probably needed to replace, but what was left was more than enough to survive on.

After labeling everything, I moved on to the closet in the guest bedroom. I pulled out all of my books and papers from college and boxed those up quickly, only going through the bottom drawer of the dresser to pull out my grandmother's table cloth and my swimsuits.

Rosalie had made herself at home, beauty products and clothing strewn everywhere. I had really loved the bedding on the guest bed, but I would just have to find something once I got to Seattle. I wasn't even sure what size bed I was going to buy for the new apartment.

The master bedroom had already been boxed up. All I needed was to go through the linen closet and the bathrooms. This was turning out to be easier than I thought it would be. I was packing up my life here in tiny little boxes and moving on. Soon it would be like I never even existed.

*** BD ***

I skipped the awkward teary goodbyes, meeting Angela briefly for brunch and then stopping back by the brownstone to give Em my keys. He told me that he'd make sure the transition into a divorce went smoothly and reminded me to get my updated address to the lawyers so they could send the papers to me when they were ready.

He gave me a strange one armed hug and pecked my cheek before I got into the cab of the truck, and I felt a weight lifted from my chest as I pulled away. I didn't even bother looking in the rearview mirror as I left. I was done with my life here.

The traffic leaving Chicago westbound on Sunday around noon was smooth. I hated having to drive in the slow lane because of the truck and the car trailer, but it became monotonous after a while.

It was weird taking a road trip by myself. I didn't have to stick to any schedules, I could stop when I wanted to, but it was so boring. My iPod was my only companion, and even the music didn't cut through the boredom completely.

The weather seemed to cooperate with me for most of the drive, and by the time I got to the fourth day, and into Montana, I was dying. I hadn't really talked to anyone other than to check into a hotel for the night or order a meal. I had always been somewhat of a solitary person, but multiple days in an uncomfortable truck – coupled with upwards of eight hours a day on the road – were wearing on me.

Charlie had called dutifully every night after his shift and got the daily update. There wasn't much to tell. I think he was excited that I was on my way, and had even mentioned a welcome dinner that Susan had been planning for when I got there.

In a few days, I was going to be a resident of the state of Washington again.

* * *

**Thank you to all of you wonderful readers, I appreciate all of your reviews and PMs. The feedback recently has been amazing. I read everything you write and process it, whether good or bad. Most of it has been good in my opinion. For those of you who have suffered through situations similar to this one, know that I have been taking your words of experience and trying to keep Bella's character as true to what I would imagine life would be like.**

**I hope you all will continue to have faith that I will do these characters justice. I know I keep the plot pretty close to my chest, but I do that so you can be surprised by all the little twists and turns of the story. It wouldn't be the same if you knew what was going to happen. **

**Only a few more chapters until the resolution of the angst, so know that you can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.**

**Hope you enjoyed and see you all back here next week!**


	17. Starting Over

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do own a brand new dustbuster…..it's kind of nuts that I'm excited about that…..lol**

**So, um….yeah. Most of you really hate Bella right about now…..some of you even asked to bring back Tanya to sweep Edward off his feet. You do remember that she's kind of a bitch, right? Oh well….**

**Time starts to move a little more quickly after this chapter…..it all gets us closer to what I know you all want to read…..:D**

**Huge thanks to the pre-readers Carenl/nerac & Beegurl13. They continue to amaze me with their support and insight into this story.**

* * *

**Chapter 16: Starting Over **

Charlie offered to meet me in Seattle once I got into town, but I decided that I'd just check into a hotel for the night.

The next morning, after six long days on the road, I awoke slightly after seven – originally intending to sleep in – still not adjusted to the two hour time change. It was going to take my body awhile to get back to west coast time.

The first thing I did was open a new bank account and deposit the check from Emmett. It made me nervous to travel with a large amount of money on my person, check or not. Most of it wouldn't be accessible for a week, but the few hundred that was would tide me over until I got moved in.

My landlord was more than happy to charge me a premium to store my things, but I didn't want to have to haul them back from Forks in a month. He even offered to discount a yearly contract on the unit, but I knew there was no need for it, because I didn't have much.

One of the maintenance men helped me unload the boxes onto a luggage cart, and I was happy not to have to carry them all in individually. It only took a few trips and the truck was empty.

He was even nice enough to help me unload the Audi from the car trailer and show me where to park it. There was more than enough street parking in my neighborhood, but he told me about a garage which had decent monthly rates if I wanted something more secure. It was only a few blocks away, but I knew I wanted to keep as much savings as I could.

I locked up the storage locker and went to drop off the truck and trailer, which was only about a quarter of a mile walk from where my car was parked by my building.

I was on the road again – in a much more comfortable vehicle – by early afternoon, and back into Charlie's driveway by dinner. His girlfriend Susan was happy to cook for us, and I wondered when she was finally going to move in with him. It was obvious from my last visit she had a hand in all of the changes in the house.

"So how was the drive, Bells?" Charlie asked as he gestured for me to sit down once he helped me get my bags inside. I would be staying with him for the next few weeks while I waited for my lease to start.

It was going to be nice to spend some more time with him with the knowledge everything was somewhat settled now. When I was in Forks before, I didn't have an apartment and I wasn't sure if I officially had the teaching job. She had given me a verbal offer, but I didn't sign the contracts until right before I left to go back to Chicago.

"It was long, but it wasn't too horrible. I wouldn't want to do it again anytime soon, but I don't think that's going to be a problem."

He gave me a look of pity that was half smile, half frown and I hated that he was worried about me. Charlie had finally managed to get to a good point in his life and mine had completely fallen apart.

"Well, I'm glad you're here. I feel like I haven't gotten to see you enough since you moved out after high school. It's hard to keep in touch when you're halfway across the country from someone."

_Way to make a girl feel guilty, Charlie._

"I know. I'm sorry. We were bad about visiting, and I know you've got a busy schedule at the station."

He held up his hand to stop me. "Hey, I wasn't trying to put on a guilt trip. I've been just as bad. I'm just glad you're closer to home."

"Me too." I said smiling. I even did something surprising and leaned over to hug him. He hugged me back tightly and sighed as I nestled my head against his chest.

I didn't even realize what I had been taking for granted all these years. I had been living in a bubble in Chicago, and even when I was happier, I'd been horrible about keeping in touch with my parents. Renee I could understand because we ended up fighting every time I talked to her, but Charlie didn't do anything to deserve it.

After a respectable minute or so, he released me, clearing his throat and standing up. "Um, I guess I should get into the kitchen and see if Susan needs some help. You go on ahead and get your things up to your room. Dinner should be done soon."

I nodded and grabbed my suitcase and tote bag. I had left the bulk of my clothes back in Seattle and just brought what I would need with me for the short term.

The room looked the same as in March, and I quickly settled my things into the dresser and bathroom across the hall. It still felt strange to be back in Forks, but it was always more of a home than Chicago had ever been.

I had grown up modestly living with a parent who worked hard. It had always been a little bit of a culture shock to be a Cullen. They didn't throw around their wealth, but they couldn't live without it either. Emmett was always wasting money on one thing or another that he didn't need.

Starting over was going to be kind of exciting. I didn't have to burden myself with all of that crap anymore. I just needed a few pieces of furniture after I moved in and some essentials such as dishes, but I didn't need all the extra stuff we'd lived with for years.

Over the next two weeks, I tried to spend as much time as possible with Charlie when he wasn't working. I even let him sucker me into waking up before the sun to go fishing. He was uncharacteristically talkative during most of my time with him, and I could only credit Susan with bringing him out of his shell. She was in a word – amazing.

You couldn't tell that he was older than her at all. He acted much younger and livelier with her, and she in turn was wise for her years. She wasn't too much older than I was, but she was obviously much more mature and sure of herself. I often felt like an insecure teenager in her presence, but we did get along.

Off handedly one night, while we were watching television waiting for Charlie to get off shift, she asked me about children and my plans for the future.

"You do realize I'm getting divorced, don't you?" I asked with a little laugh, fidgeting in my corner of the couch.

"I know that, Bella, but I was just curious if you wanted them. You're still young enough that it's an option if you do decide you want them."

I shook my head and avoided eye contact with her; she could read me too easily. "It's complicated, and I'd never want to do something like that alone. I saw how hard it was for Charlie as a single parent and I'm not strong enough to do it."

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Bella. I think you'd be a great mother."

The truth was, I knew some part of me wanted children, but I knew that I'd never love anyone enough to take that step with them. My heart still did, and probably always would belong to Edward. I wouldn't want to raise a child in an environment where its mother wasn't in love with its father.

"What about you? You're not much older than I am." I was hoping if I turned the tables on her that she'd drop the subject. Even though thinking about her with my dad like that was creepy, it was still a valid question.

"It's not out of the realm of possibility, but I don't think it's an option for me to have children on my own," she said sadly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, Bella, it's not your fault. I was pregnant once when I was a little younger than you and there were some complications and I lost the baby. It's been a long time, and I've made peace with it, but the doctors told me it'd be almost impossible for me to have a baby without a large amount of intervention."

"Were you married before?" I couldn't help the curiosity.

"No, but he wanted to be. It was just bad timing, and after we lost the baby we drifted apart. Sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together."

"Tell me about it," I sighed. I wasn't sure if I was talking about my failed marriage or my failed relationship with Edward. Both relationships had seemed to be doomed.

After that, we returned our conversation to happier topics such as her pursuit of my father before they started dating, and my new job in Seattle. Charlie seemed pleased with our budding friendship when he returned from work that night, and I wondered how their relationship would progress. I was happy they had found each other.

*** BD ***

Before I knew it, I was headed back toward Seattle with Charlie and Susan following me in Charlie's beat up old pickup truck. I was surprised that thing could drive on the highway, but he kept up just fine.

Even though I had convinced him I would be fine, he insisted on coming back with me to get things moved into my new apartment.

"Come on, Bells. I barely got to help you move into the dorms, and you wouldn't let me fly back out when you guys bought that townhouse thing. It's a father's rite of passage to help his little girl move into her new place safely. You wouldn't deny me that, would you?"

Needless to say, his guilt trip had eaten at me and I gave in without much of a fight. He just wanted to make sure I was settled before he left me alone in the city.

We started at my apartment building where I got my keys from the landlord and turned in my deposit checks and rent. The funds in my new bank account had cleared, so I was able to get what I needed to settle in. I was once again thankful that my soon to be ex-husband was such a giving person.

After we loaded the boxes from the storage locker and into the elevator, Charlie and Susan helped me get everything into my new little shoebox. It was a one bedroom, but it was small. The living room and kitchen bled together with the bedroom off to one side. I had a small bathroom inside the bedroom, but it only had a sink, toilet and small shower stall. I was going to miss the big garden tub back in Chicago.

There wasn't much we could do besides unpack the kitchen because I only had the desk for furniture. I needed to go get furniture before I did anything else. I probably should have looked prior to moving in, but there was an IKEA close by, so I had a feeling most of my furniture would be coming from there.

"So I don't mean to pry, hun; but are you planning on sleeping on the floor?" Susan asked as she surveyed my empty bedroom. It pretty much consisted of a stack of unpacked boxes and a tiny closet crammed full of clothes.

I smiled at her skepticism and rubbed my hands together. "What are your thoughts on IKEA?"

"Now you're speaking my language. When do we leave?"

Charlie had unsurprisingly never even heard of IKEA much less been in one, so he was in for an adventure. Most of the furniture from Em's and my first apartment came from the IKEA just outside of Chicago.

"They've got a cafeteria in this damn thing?" Charlie was in awe of all that was IKEA. We'd barely even gotten inside and he was acting like a little kid. A little kid that apparently wanted to be fed.

"They sure do. How about I buy you some meatballs before we get started? We'll be here a while."

"Oh, it can't take that long to find some furniture, but I will take you up on those meatballs."

Susan and I shared a secret smile. Charlie had no idea what he was in for. You could spend days in an IKEA and probably still not see everything. I had spent four hours in the Chicago store once and only went through a few departments.

"Alright, Bells. Let's get this show on the road," Charlie said as he patted his now full belly. The food at IKEA was cheap, but it still tasted good. He had practically eaten his weight in those little Swedish meatballs before Susan and I suggested that we actually do what we came to the store for.

After consulting the map, we headed toward the section where they had beds and mattresses. Since it was a weekend, we had to weave through the hordes of people and their little yellow shopping bags and carts, but we eventually got there.

I ended up getting a very contemporary styled full size bed in a dark brown, along with a shelving kit for the headboard and these little matching under bed storage containers whose lids slid open. Susan even talked me into getting the wall mounted nightstand. After mentally cataloging what I had brought with me from Chicago, I decided to splurge on the matching six drawer dresser which could double as a television stand.

Carefully writing down all of the item numbers and their locations in the warehouse, I realized that we had only just begun. I still needed furniture for my small living room as well as bedding and dishes.

"Man, you weren't kidding," Charlie sighed as he checked out his watch. "I guess it's a good thing we booked that hotel room, 'cause there's no way I'd want to drive back to Forks tonight."

I smiled sheepishly at him as I linked my arm through the one not attached to the hand he was using to hold Susan's. "Thanks for coming with me."

"You know I'd never leave you to do something like this alone."

"I know, but I still appreciate it."

After a vigorous debate over why we couldn't go to the La-Z-Boy store to look at leather recliners, I decided on a loveseat size sofa that had an armchair attached to a chaise lounge. The measurements I had taken would have made a full size sofa a tight squeeze. Susan and I picked out the sage green color with the white legs.

I decided I would only get one television – eventually – and it would go in the bedroom on my new dresser. The apartment was too small to dedicate an entire area in the living room to a television. I needed storage space for my books.

As we walked into the living room storage area, I saw the perfect piece. It was a large cube shaped bookcase with little square cubby holes. Charlie insisted on measuring the floor display twice to make sure it would fit in the living room. It would take up the entire wall that shared a door with my bedroom.

They even had little storage baskets that I could use to store other things since there were more than enough cubbies to put my books in. I picked out the white bookcase unit to match the sofa, and ended up getting these little banana leaf square baskets that could fold down if I didn't need them all. Susan picked out a cute basic coffee table in white, and a matching side table.

That pretty much took care of all of the furniture I was going to need. The kitchen had a breakfast bar on the counter that overlooked the living room, so I decided against getting a table. Instead I picked out a few white barstools to put there.

Since we were done with the furniture, we made our way down to the first floor where the housewares departments were to pick out bedding.

My bed was dark brown, so I decided on a duvet cover set in satin that had turquoise and yellow stripes. It even had a little bit of purple in it, and I laughed when I realized that Em never would have let me pick out something so potentially girly.

Susan looked at me strangely, but she let it go. We were already three hours into our IKEA excursion, the cabin fever was starting to kick in.

"Are we all going to end up with shopping carts?" Charlie laughed as he looked at my shopping cart – which was overflowing once we went through the bathroom section, and Susan's – which was half full of kitchen, bed and bath linens.

I gave him the side eye and said: "You agreed to come here with me, so you can keep your mouth shut."

He laughed heartily at me and jumped right into helping me pick out dishes. I ended up getting a few four piece place settings in light turquoise and dark gray. The cabinets in my apartment were black, so they should match just fine along with the gray towels I picked out.

By the time we made it to the section which had decorative accents, I said screw it and picked out a few wall clocks and some throw pillows to go on the couch. I could always come back later if I needed anything else. This trip was already making a pretty substantial dent in the money I had deposited in the bank. IKEA was cheap, but it still ended up being more than a few thousand dollars. I can't even imagine what it would have cost from a regular furniture store for everything that I got.

Charlie was right, we did end up needing three carts and the contents of those didn't even include the furniture I'd picked out. The truck bed was full by the time we got the items from our carts into it. Instead of making multiple trips back to IKEA, we decided to go ahead and get the boxes for the small pieces of furniture – the ones that would fit in my trunk – and then I paid extra to have the larger pieces of furniture delivered in the morning.

"So they'll bring you the furniture for a nice chunk of change, but they won't assemble it for you?" Charlie asked as we were carrying the last of the bags up from the cars.

"It really wasn't that bad for delivery, Dad. They're just bringing a lot of stuff." I smiled. "Interpreting the pictures and vague directions in English is half the fun with IKEA. Hey, at least we don't have to carry those big boxes up the stairs."

"I'm sure they'll take the elevator."

"You know what I meant," I said nudging him in the side.

"So I know you've been busy since we got here this morning, and haven't had a chance to go shopping for food, but do you have anything here? I feel like my stomach is trying to eat itself. Those meatballs burned off fast."

I laughed at his blatant honesty as Susan rolled her eyes. All men seemed to think with one of two things, either their dick or their stomach, and as far as I was concerned, I was choosing to forget that Charlie even had one of the former.

"I think there's a burger place somewhere in the neighborhood we could go to get dinner. I'll buy since I tortured you with the maze of the Swedish overlords."

"Sounds like a plan."

The day was turning out to be better than I had imagined. I had blocked out the fact that I was still unbelievably sad and enjoyed time with my father and his girlfriend. I could always dwell on what had brought me to Seattle later.

Charlie and Susan left to go to their hotel after we ate, and I returned to my mountain of blue and yellow IKEA bags and unpacked boxes. Until the furniture was delivered, there wasn't much for me to do, but I still tried to get a little bit done before I collapsed onto my air mattress.

IKEA was prompt at the butt crack of dawn, and before I knew it, my apartment was entirely filled with things to unpack or put together. I would have to wait until Charlie and Susan got to the apartment to do anything, though, because the tools were in his truck.

"I come bearing gifts," Charlie chimed as he came in my door carrying an enormous box in his hands. It had a blanket draped over it, so I couldn't tell what it was, but I could only assume knowing my dad.

He put it down on my kitchen counter and whipped off the blanket, revealing the box for a new 32 inch flat screen television. I couldn't believe him, he just couldn't resist.

"And I even got you the wall mount."

He was so proud of himself. I hugged him and thanked him for the gift, wondering why Susan was still standing by the door with what looked like two new tool boxes in her hands.

"What did you do?" I asked Charlie with a raised brow. He was going overboard.

"Oh, those," he said taking the boxes from her and putting them on the floor at my feet. He popped the first one open and it held what looked like a well-loved electric drill; a drill that I had remembered seeing in his house at one time. "I decided when we started doing the renovations to the house that I was going to invest in some new tools. I'm glad I didn't get rid of the old ones, because I knew that someone could find a use for them. They're old, but they all work. I knew you'd need this kind of stuff eventually and wanted to make sure you had what you needed."

"Thank you." I was trying not to cry, and failed as a few tears leaked out the corners of my eyes. When Em handed me the separation papers I was sad for what I was losing by leaving Chicago, I didn't realize what I'd regained by coming back home.

We spent the rest of the morning assembling the large furniture and getting my bedroom set up. They left just after lunchtime to head back to Forks, since they both had to be at the station in the morning.

After taking a few trips to the dumpster with empty boxes, I collapsed on my new bed and promptly passed out. Moving took a lot out of you, and when you were running on so little to begin with, it was exhausting.

I couldn't even find the energy to cry myself to sleep, wondering if my luck at starting over was going to hold.

*** BD ***

As I settled into my new apartment, I realized I really was going to have to start from scratch with my entire life. New coffee shops were the least of it, I was going to have to find new doctors, new stores, absolutely everything.

Since I had insurance coverage from Emmett until the divorce was final, I decided I was going to take advantage of it. My new insurance wouldn't start until sixty days of employment at my new job, and I was due for my yearly check-ups just about everywhere.

I started with a new dentist and realized that maybe bingeing on chocolate the last few months might have been a mistake. One painful filling later, I decided I was going to try to eat healthier and take better care of myself. The school even had a staff gym I could start using once I began working.

The eye doctor didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. My prescription for reading glasses was filled easily and I cursed getting older.

Gynecologists had never been my friend, but it was one of those necessary evils of being a woman. I needed a refill on my pills soon, so I was going to have to go regardless. I wished I was one of those women who could just wing it, but I liked knowing every month when my period was going to start.

"So it says here that your last menstrual cycle was the second week of May. That means that you are about seven weeks late. Do you have any reasons to think that you are pregnant?"

_Um, what?_

I shook my head as I thought back to my last few periods. They were a little light, but I obviously hadn't had sex since January, so it wasn't like I could be pregnant. I think I would know if I was five months pregnant. My life wasn't like one of those bad TLC shows.

"Well, we'll just do a blood test to look for anything abnormal. I'm sure everything is fine. Sometimes stressful situations can do strange things to your cycle."

I nodded as I thought about what it would be like if I really was pregnant. Thinking about having Edward's child did bring a little bit of warmth to my chest, but I knew for sure now children weren't in my future.

After being tortured through a pap, I decided on switching to the Depo shot. It was going to be easier knowing I wouldn't be responsible for popping a pill every day.

My doctor told me that my blood test results would be back in the next few days, and that I could make an appointment to come back in to get the shot once I got my next period.

Overall, my week of appointments ended up being routine, only a cavity down and a slight case of anemia. The problem was forgetting that when the doctor brought up the possibility of pregnancy and children, my mind automatically thought of Edward as their father. I was going to have to let him go eventually, but it wasn't easy by any means.

*** BD ***

Charlie, being the helpful father, decided that he needed to help jump start my social life. Apparently his good friend Billy had a son who was also living in the same area that I was in Seattle. He was a few years younger, but he was apparently single, so my dad thought I'd _love _to meet him.

If I had the energy to fight him about it, I would have told him thanks but no thanks, but I decided that it wouldn't hurt to make a new friend.

Jacob Black ended up being a true surprise. He too was irritated with his father for trying to play matchmaker, but he'd seen the picture of me from my wedding to Emmett that was on Charlie's mantel and decided even though he didn't really have an interest in dating, I was hot. I wasn't sure if I should take it as a compliment, but like I said, friends were something that I was lacking in Seattle.

"So have you gotten all settled in now?" he asked after we were seated at our table. I had met him at a restaurant a few blocks in between our apartments. It was some kind of French-Italian-American hybrid, but I hadn't had much of an appetite lately, so the food wasn't an issue.

"For the most part. I still have a little bit to unpack and put away, some IKEA furniture to assemble. Not anything too taxing, I'm sure I can get it all done before I start my new job." I had decided that I might as well be nice if I was planning to see him after tonight.

"English teacher, right?'

"Mmmhm," I hummed as I swallowed my first sip of wine. I was welcoming the numbing effect of the alcohol to get myself through my nerves. I always fought to keep myself from hiding when I met new people. I had always left it up to Emmett to charm new acquaintances. I was going to actually have to try now.

"Fun, fun," he commented with a little bit of mirth. Teaching was not for everyone, and I had a feeling the Jacob fell in the category of those who would prefer water torture to a class full of high school students. "Although, I would have actually paid attention in high school if you were my teacher."

"Um, thank you. I think."

"No problem. I have always found it in my best interest to tell a woman when I think she's beautiful."

I wasn't sure if he was flirting with me, or just an outrageous flirt with everyone, but I couldn't manage to stifle the blush at his words.

He chuckled at my response and held his glass up toward me in a mock toast, even adding in a wink. It was then I decided that he just flirted with anyone of the female persuasion. I tried not to take any of it personally.

Once our food came, the table quieted down a bit, me mostly pushing my food around my plate and finishing off my second glass of wine.

Even though I seemed to be having a good time, I couldn't keep my thoughts of Edward at bay. I constantly found myself wondering if he was dating again. I wanted to know if he thought about me as much as I thought about him – which was all the time.

"You still love him, don't you?" Jacob's deep voice brought me out of my internal reverie. He recoiled a little bit when the look on my face must have conveyed the sudden turmoil that I felt.

"No," I chuckled humorlessly. "I most certainly am not still in love with my almost ex-husband. That hasn't been a problem for a while now."

"Then someone else then, someone who you were obviously close to. I know that look, Bella, you're still in love with someone, and he broke you."

"And how would you know what someone who has a broken heart looks like? What makes you such an expert, Jacob Black?"

"I know a kindred spirit when I see one."

"Excuse me?"

"I know what it feels like when you can't feel your heart beating in your own body, Bella Swan. I know because mine doesn't either."

The tone of his voice was challenging, but his eyes were a dead giveaway. He was broken too. I didn't think it was his own doing, because why would he be here with me, but he looked broken all the same.

"Who was she?"

He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, he was too tall for it to touch the top of the booth, but he seemed to be collecting himself. I let the quiet envelop me for a moment and let myself think of the man, who still held my heart; that would probably always hold it.

"Her name was Vanessa, and she was my sister's best friend. They were roommates at college, and I had a hopeless crush on her. Rachel was two years older than I was, and she was fiercely protective of me. We use to be closer than I thought any two siblings could possibly be."

"What happened?"

"They continued to room together throughout college, and the summer after I graduated high school, Rachel brought Nessie home to stay. The three of us were inseparable, spending our days hiking, swimming, and even fishing. It was probably the most fun I've had in my entire life.

"Rachel got sick in the middle of June, just a minor respiratory infection, we had stayed in the water too long one day and she had gotten a cold.

"I was surprised when Ness decided that we needed to have our own adventure while my sister was inside bundled up on the couch with her cough medicine.

"We went canoeing, she had never been, and I was more than happy to teach her. I had already fallen desperately in love with her, years before, but was convinced she only saw me as her friend's little brother.

"We capsized on the small lake where I was teaching her, and when we both resurfaced, underneath the upturned canoe, she kissed me."

The smile on Jacob's face was heartbreaking, because this girl had obviously done a number on him.

"It turns out she'd always had a little bit of a crush on me, but felt awkward about it because I was so young. I was so excited, I convinced myself I was in love with her, and we spent the rest of the summer sneaking hidden kisses.

"The night before they left to go back to their apartment, I was convinced that I'd figured out a way for it to work. I planned to join them at UW, and thought that we could continue to build our relationship. I convinced Nessie to sneak out of the house with me so we could talk, but we never got around to the talking part.

"Nessie had other ideas. I made love to her under the moon, stretched out on a blanket in the woods, and I could not have been more in love with her.

"I thought she felt the same way, but the next morning she was distant. I chalked it up to the few weeks we would be separated before I moved into the dorms."

He looked across the table at me, and I could see the hurt still fresh there. He still loved her.

"She never talked to me again after that night. I didn't mean anything to her, and she just used me as a summer fling."

"Oh, Jacob," His hand was warm under my own and I could feel his pain as if it were my own. I wondered if I had left Edward feeling like this; like he meant nothing to me. The thought made me feel sick.

"No, it's alright. I came to terms with it a long time ago. I still see her from time to time; she still lives in the city. She's tried to talk to me a few times recently, but I can't trust her enough to let her in again. Vanessa's going to be the maid of honor in my sister's wedding later this summer, and I hate that I will have to see her again in the place where I fell for her."

"I'm sorry, I had no idea. I mean, I think this was supposed to be a set-up between our fathers, disguised as dinner among friends. I never knew you were this unavailable."

His answering laugh was genuine, and he shook his head as he took in my expression.

"I don't want your pity, Bella. I just wanted you to know that I know what it's like. You're hung up on someone, and I think that maybe you need to not be stupid like I was, and do something about it."

"What are you talking about?"

"Find him and tell him you love him, if he feels the way about you that you obviously do about him, then it'll work out."

"It's not that simple. And you obviously never heeded your own advice."

"Why do you think I am telling you? I wish that I had possessed the balls at eighteen to tell her I loved her, but my ship has sailed. I may never be the same, but I've let her go. You either need to do the same thing, or go get him, either way you can't make yourself miserable stuck in this limbo."

"But I thought you were still in love with her?" I saw the look on his face earlier. There was no way for him to deny it.

"I am," he said matter of factly. "But I also let her go a long time ago. I'll probably always love her, but my time has passed."

"Why does it have to be over for you two? You're going to see her at Rachel's wedding. Couldn't you talk to her there?"

He smiled, downed the rest of his wine and wiggled his eyebrows at me. I was utterly confused by Jacob Black.

"I'm happy now. If something happens at the wedding, that's great, but I'm not going to stress myself out over something I have no control over. Being single isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I like being able to go out with who I want, when I want. I like not doing the laundry until I only have athletic shorts clean. Being in love with Vanessa doesn't define me, and I'm ok with that."

"I am so confused."

"Bella, it doesn't have to be the end of the world that she never loved me back. I'll find someone, when I'm ready to settle down. I don't need a relationship to validate me, and you shouldn't either. If you love him and want him, then go get him, but if you want to be by yourself, and still hold him fondly in your heart, then do that instead. Love is a gift. I know it's cheesy for me to say that, and no I am not gay," he said with a wink. "But it's also a choice. So make yours."

I had to give it to him, what Jacob had told me was kind of profound. I needed to let Edward's ghost in my life go. I had chosen to leave, I had chosen to break his heart and mine, and now I needed to choose to be happy on my own.

Seattle was a new home for me, I owed it to myself to give it a shot to leave the past behind and move on. I needed to leave what happened with Edward behind.

"You're kinda smart," I smiled, he returned the grin and I could see his cocky self-assured personality return.

"I know," he said with a raise of his eyebrow. "And good looking too."

Jacob and I started to see each other regularly after that night, and I felt like I had one more person in Seattle that I could count on. Things between us were strictly platonic, which took the pressure off of both of us, but I still felt like a part of me was empty.

*** BD ***

July in Seattle was nothing like July in Chicago. It was warm, but you didn't feel like you were going to melt into the sidewalk. I'd forgotten what living in the Pacific Northwest was like. It was a seasonal happy medium. There wasn't much snow, and it didn't get to 110 degrees, it was – nice.

The lovely Jane – the school's head admin – greeted me with her usual snark when I came in for the first day of training. There were four new teachers starting in August, so we got to come in and do orientation and fun teambuilding exercises. I was sure half of it was going to be ridiculous, but we were also studying to take the certification tests to be teachers in the state of Washington.

The Illinois state license required registration with the NBPTS, the national teaching certification board, so I just had to take a few Washington specific training courses and show evidence of taking a Praxis test.

My test results were in my file, but I had a feeling they were going to make me retake the basic skills test – The Praxis I – since I had last taken it seven years ago. My English Language Arts test results for the second Praxis test were taken before I graduated, so those were used when I got my teaching license in the state of Illinois.

I was happy that I had gone through all of the hoops before I left Chicago to get myself recertified and my license updated, without all of that, it would have been much more difficult to get my Washington certification completed.

After Jane led me to the conference room in the main office, I had never hated being early more. None of the new teachers had arrived yet, so it was me stuck in the room with the four teacher mentors, two of the department heads and the principal. To say I felt like I was in a fish bowl was an understatement.

Some of them were talking quietly amongst themselves, but the rest of them varied between staring at me and the door.

A few minutes before we were scheduled to start, the other newbies started to trickle in, and the principal, Ms. Irina Laurent, started right in. She told us under the circumstances that we could call everyone by their first name, but when school started it was all formal titles.

We were introduced to our mentor, a teacher who had been at the school two years or less, and the department heads for the English and Math departments.

My mentor was a petite blonde named Kate, who seemed to have a bit of a mouth on her. She was nice, though, and she liked to keep a sarcastic running commentary of what Irina was saying to us.

When we took our break for lunch, Kate cornered me.

"So what's your story?" I could tell she didn't buy my 'needed a change of pace' and 'decided to move back closer to home' excuses I had used during introductions.

"It's not very exciting," I lied as I gave her a tight lipped smile.

"Cut the crap, B. You look like the walking wounded anytime you have to talk about your past. You looked like you were going to vomit when Rina asked if you were liking Seattle better than Chicago."

"I'm getting a divorce," I whispered as I quickly looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to our conversation. People were all spread around the main office enjoying the sandwiches that Jane had delivered.

"That's not it," she said, squinting her eyes critically at me. Damn she was good at reading people.

"Yes, it is. I'm just having a hard time adjusting."

"He screw around on you?" she asked, her voice carrying slightly.

"What? No! Shhh…" I exclaimed trying to get her to lower her voice. I didn't want to start school with rumors about my past. I was finally trying to move on from it all.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Stop it." I reached over and smacked her arm as I hissed at her. She was entirely too nosy. I couldn't tell if I liked it or if it annoyed me, but she was my mentor, so I was obviously going to have to deal with her on a regular basis.

"Ok, fine. I'll drop it. For now."

"Thank you," I said sarcastically as I took a huge bite of my sandwich.

"But I will find out why you have that guilty look on you face," she threatened. "You'll tell me sooner or later."

_Fat Chance, Kate…._

We finished our lunch and got right back to the grindstone of fun introduction games, it was riveting. _Note the sarcasm…._

After training each day, Kate took me to a coffee shop nearby and tried to get more information out of me. She was persistent, but I stuck to my divorce story. That was enough information for anyone to have about my personal life.

Seth started coming in for teacher preparations in early August, along with most of the teachers, so I got to see him more.

By the time school started, he got me to start coming out with him and a few of the other people around our age who taught at the school.

His girlfriend, Anna, was adorable and we got along really well. Kate was in his small circle of friends, and I got to meet her husband Garrett eventually. He was a principal at another school in the district. I also found out why Kate had only been at our school for two years, when she'd been teaching since she graduated the year before I did.

She'd had an affair with the principal at her first school. He was engaged at the time and it ended up being a big scandal. Big surprise, she ended up marrying him and moved to a different school to appease the school board.

After finding this out, I realized maybe I could confide in her about Edward. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go into detail, but she could probably relate to my situation. She'd been a part of an affair, but hers had a much happier ending. I couldn't imagine anyone being more perfect for her than Garrett.

"So _you_ are the one that had an affair?" she asked skeptically, her chest shaking. I could tell she was trying not to laugh.

"Hey," I said pinching her thigh. "I'm not that much of a stick in the mud. I'm capable of being dishonest just as much as you are."

At that, she busted out laughing, pounding on the table in front of her as tears formed in the corner of her eyes. I tried to be offended, but I was partially drunk since we'd been at the bar for hours already. I started laughing with her and they eventually turned into half-hearted sobs.

"Hey, hey," she said rubbing my back.

I tried to calm my breathing before I attracted too much attention. Garrett and Seth were over playing pool with a few other teachers and I didn't want them to see I was upset.

"So what happened?"

"I fell in love with the wrong person."

She sucked in air through her teeth as she continued rubbing my back.

"Who was he?"

I was fine telling her that I had an affair and was getting divorced, but the wounds from what I'd done to Edward still weren't healed. I wasn't sure if I wanted anyone in my new life to know about him. I'd decided that I was moving on from that part of my life, and saying his name would just unlock all those memories.

"I can't," I sighed as my breathing started to even out. I swiped at the tears on my cheeks and took a drink to clear my head. "I don't want to talk about him. It's obviously over, but I know I felt something real with him. I just screwed it all up."

The cruel things I said to him ran through a loop in my mind and I fought back the urge to start crying again. I was so mean to him and then just left. I'd taken the coward's way out, and I couldn't do anything to change or fix it.

"Alright. Just know that I'm here if you want to talk about it."

I was happy to have such a supportive friend, but it still didn't feel right to share him with anyone else. My memories of Edward would always be locked up inside of me.

*** BD ***

A large packet appeared in my mailbox the third week of September. It was so large the mailman had wedged it in corner to corner. I fought with the paper, getting it to bend slightly so I could pull it out.

Once I got to my apartment, I had inspected the labels and realized that Emmett had managed to get the divorce to go through without any problems. The package was from my lawyer's office, and I had a feeling that the packet would have been much smaller if I had to go back to Chicago to appear in court.

Carefully pulling the seal on one end of the large envelope, I slid the contents out onto my kitchen countertop. It all seemed more real now. This document was officially ending my marriage as soon as I signed it.

There were little red and yellow sticky tabs hanging off the side of the larger packet, presumably where I would sign my life as a Cullen away.

My lawyer had included a cover letter, describing the outcome of the judge's decision. We weren't required for mediation because neither of us was contesting the divorce, and somehow the lawyers had managed to get the normal two year waiting period on official filing waved. It was done.

I could feel tears pricking my eyes as I pulled a pen from my messenger bag and started to flip through the large packet. I read everything I could understand and signed where I needed to. The only thing that tripped me up was when I read the division of assets and alimony sections.

Apparently the judge had been unhappy with the fact that I'd been uncompensated for my loss of wages due to staying home. I didn't really see it as that, but Em had been ordered to pay another lump sum of money to make up for an equal division of his salary for the duration of our marriage.

I wasn't happy with this, he'd done enough, but I knew that if I fought it, we'd have to drag this thing out even further. I didn't want to go back to Chicago, and I knew that Em would never agree to have it waived. Neither of us had talked to each other since I left, and I knew that I wouldn't be the one to break the silence. The fact that he approved sending the papers without trying to contact me pretty much told me that he had no interest in me anymore. The whole thing was kind of anticlimactic.

I read through the rest of the section and it detailed that the money would be added to the pre-existing investment account by the end of the year. Emmett was giving up far too much for me, and I didn't deserve it. I just didn't have the energy to fight it anymore.

Once everything was signed, I slipped it into the provided envelope and put it aside to take to the post office in the morning.

I broke out a bottle of wine and helped myself to a large glass as I sat down in the small window seat in my living room. The Seattle skyline turned yellow, and then pink as I watched the sun slowly set.

A significant part of my life was over, and yet I didn't feel relieved to have everything settled. I had no idea what I was going to do next. All I knew was that I was having trouble moving on.

If you looked at the call log of my phone, you would see that I had tried to call Edward a half a dozen times, but the calls only lasted a second. I had no idea if they actually made it to his phone, but I hadn't received any back, so I could only assume they had not gone through. I just wanted to talk to him. To apologize for how horribly I'd treated him. He deserved at least that, but I wasn't sure if he'd want to hear from me. It'd been too long since I'd been gone, and I had a feeling that I had completely destroyed my relationship with him. He deserved much better than me.

The months started to pass a little more quickly after the divorce was finalized and once I really got into teaching. Certain days dragged and others disappeared all-together, but as Christmas neared again, my heart began to feel heavy.

* * *

**So I know that you are all missing our leading man, but I promise he will reappear soon. Just give it time. Not everything can be solved overnight.**

**Ok, since some of you were confused when I originally posted this...Bella is NOT pregnant. She just had problems with her period due to a slight case of anemia and stress. Also, she's 28 in this chapter, so while she's not completely out of range for eventually having a baby, she just doesn't see it for her since she thinks her chances with Edward are completely gone. She knows that she wouldn't want to have children with anyone but him. She sees thirty looming in the future and it makes her feel old. I know she's still got her whole life ahead of her, but sees that benchmark as the end of some of her past dreams. **


	18. Fastforward

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, but do own three plane tickets to FL and have reservations at Disney World starting in less than 6 days! **

**Last Update before Christmas most likely, we're not bringing the laptop with us to FL or the in-laws for Christmas, so unless I completely edit and upload 18 before I go, it'll be a few weeks until the next post. **

**Only two more real chapters left after this one, so it's getting down to crunch time. Big time jump over the course of this chapter, so it's gonna be a rollercoaster. Just make sure you read all the way until the end, because yeah…..just push through the tough stuff. I promise it'll be worth it.**

**Thanks a million to the pre-readers carenl/nerac and beegurl13! They both showed me so much support over this chapter. They threatened to beat me for leaving the end like it is, but I kept it that way anyways…. ;)**

* * *

**Chapter 17: Fast-forward…**

Christmas with Charlie was a new experience. In the past, when I was younger, he had always had to work on the holiday. We'd wake up super early and he'd give me my few presents and I'd give him the one that I'd usually made for him. After presents he'd make hot cocoa for me and coffee for himself and we'd eat cereal until he had to leave for work.

When I was too young to stay at home by myself, he'd take me to the neighbors and they'd entertain me until he came back to pick me up. Once I was in middle school, he'd leave me to my own devices; most of the time I just spent all day reading.

I drove to Forks after my last class on the 23rd and it felt like I entered an alternate reality. There was a huge Christmas tree that filled a corner of the living room. It was decorated beautifully with a red ribbon garland and glass balls of various sizes.

There were also other little touches around the house: garland on the staircase bannister and across the mantel of the fireplace. My favorites were the little throw pillows on the couch shaped like gingerbread men. It was blatantly obvious that Charlie had nothing to do with any of the decorations around the house. He'd never been much of a decorator.

"The house looks great, Susan," I said as she came out of the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron. The house smelled like cherries, so I assumed that she was busy making pies. It was bizarre, the only baking done in the house before I left for school was the occasional batch of cookies.

"Thanks, Bella. It's great to see you again so soon. How was your semester?"

"It was good. My students weren't happy to have reading to do over the break, but I'm sure they'll deal with it."

"That's my girl," Charlie laughed as he came inside with my suitcase in his hand. I tried to carry it in myself, but he insisted. "I always knew you'd be that mean teacher who assigned things over holidays."

I rolled my eyes and we all sat down to catch up on the exciting news of Forks that I had missed since I'd been up here at Thanksgiving. Not a whole lot - a few vandalism complaints, a new deputy at the station, and that was pretty much it. It made me glad I was in Seattle because I would be bored out of my mind, but happy at the same time knowing my father was pretty safe.

The three of us enjoyed our time together and I ended up heading back home two days after Christmas. School didn't start for another week, but I just wanted to be alone. It was hitting me hard spending so much time with a happy couple. I was thrilled for them, but at the same time it just made me miss Edward even more.

Things were so unresolved and I felt like I was carrying around a lead weight all the time from the guilt of how I treated him. I would give anything to be able to go back and end things differently. I knew it had to end, but I didn't have to be so cruel.

My guilt was my only true companion, and I had so much to feel guilty for. My entire life in Chicago was destroyed by my actions, and even though he didn't know it, I'd betrayed Em just as badly as Edward.

I had a feeling my current state was just the beginning of my atonement for my actions.

Jacob dragged me out of the house on New Year's Eve, telling me that wallowing away locked in my apartment was what cat ladies did. When I told him I didn't have a cat he said it was only a matter of time.

He took me to a crowded bar with some of his friends, and as soon as the clock hit midnight, I snuck out and went back home. I didn't want to celebrate New Year's without Edward; the one I shared with him in the library could never be replaced. I had no intention of sharing a kiss with a stranger at midnight when I didn't want to forget the last New Year's kiss that I'd had.

I thought that starting the New Year, and the new semester would bring me out of my funk, but inside I still knew I was going through the motions. I may have finally made a decision and decided to let him go, but it just didn't feel right.

Jacob continued trying to bring me out of my shell, making me try new things and leave the solitude of my apartment. I even started spending more time with people from school. Seth and I had rekindled our bond, and it was nice knowing someone from my life before Emmett. He knew the real Bella, the one I was trying to get back to. I just wasn't sure how to find her again.

His girlfriend Anna became a good friend as well, and she reminded me of a tall, slender version of Alice. A constant ball of energy. The only problem I had with her was that she always had a 'friend' who I would be perfect for. She couldn't understand why I wanted to be alone.

Nobody seemed to understand you didn't have any interest in dating when your heart was truly broken. I knew I didn't want to end up alone, but I just wasn't ready.

*** BD ***

By Spring Break, I had managed to break out of my depression, and decided that I was tired of living my life as a shell.

Kate and Garrett invited me to go with them to Oregon for break where they had a cabin they spent most of their summers in.

It was going to be peaceful, and I was looking forward to spending some time away from my little apartment. I liked living by myself, but it was also isolating, and there was only so much time I could spend with Jacob. He was a great friend, but he still couldn't take my mind completely off of Edward.

He was a constant in my thoughts, and even though I tried to get him out of my head, he was not leaving. I'd briefly considered going to counseling, but it just didn't seem right to talk to someone about it. I knew why I was still sad, and I also knew that I deserved it. It would fade eventually, and talking about it in therapy would just drag it all out.

"Wow," I said as I unfolded myself from the backseat of Kate's tiny Prius. She insisted on driving, and since we would only be here for five days, I conceded. It was a good thing I was small. Anyone over 5'7" would be squished in this car.

"It's been in my family for generations," Garrett said as he started to unload the back. We'd all just brought small bags. The majority of the space was taken up by the food we'd brought with us.

The cabin was larger than I thought it would be. It was two stories, with the entire exterior looking like a log cabin. There were several large windows that wrapped around the side of the house, and it didn't look like it was as old as Garrett was implying.

"My dad renovated it when we were little. It was originally just one story with two bedrooms, a kitchen and a tiny bathroom. Now it's got five bedrooms and two bathrooms. The outhouse has been out of commission since my dad was a kid."

I was happy it seemed to have modern conveniences, but I was a little confused when another car pulled up as we were getting the groceries inside. It was in a pretty remote area, and I didn't see any other houses close by.

"Oh, that's Garrett's brother," Kate said with a sly smile. "He decided to come in from Portland to spend a few days with us."

From the look on her face I could tell this was a set up and I couldn't believe her. Between her and Anna, I couldn't just be left alone. They all thought I needed a boyfriend.

"You suck," I muttered as I grabbed my bag and ran upstairs to claim a room. Even though there were only three of us, I didn't want to end up in the worst room, there was one in every house.

"I know, but you still love me," Kate yelled after me laughing.

I picked a bedroom that faced the back of the house, next to the hall bathroom. I mostly picked it for the window seat and the gorgeous view of the woods. It had a full sized bed with a cream colored quilt that had leaves embroidered on it.

The walls were wood paneling that matched the exterior of the house and had a few nature prints hung up around the room.

I threw my bag on the bed and began to put away a few of my things into the empty dresser by the door. I was mostly killing time, figuring out how I was going to get through the rest of the week. Kate had totally planned this. She trapped me here with no escape and was going to try to set me up with Garrett's brother. I was so screwed.

By the time I made it back downstairs, it looked like all of the bags were gone from the kitchen, so Kate must have finished putting away the groceries. I reluctantly followed the sound of laughter to the back of the house and came upon a small living room whose back wall was made up of one large picture window.

Kate and Garrett were sharing one loveseat and Garrett's brother was sitting on the other one. There were only two options for me to sit, a club chair by the fireplace or directly next to the brother. Not wanting to be anti-social, I came in and sat as far away as possible from the poor unsuspecting stranger on the too small couch.

"So nice of you to join us," Garrett teased as Kate laughed at my expense. He must have been in on it. And to think I sometimes liked him more as her.

"Yeah, Bells. You ran upstairs pretty quickly after we got here. We didn't get the chance to introduce you to Tyler." She held her hand out motioning toward the man seated next to me.

I narrowed my eyes at her and reluctantly turned toward where he had turned to face me. He was holding out his hand to shake mine. _Crap!_

Taking a deep breath I held out my hand and briefly shook his much larger one before pulling back into my own space.

"Nice to meet you," I mumbled as he responded in kind.

Kate and Garrett had identical looks of amusement on their faces; they were enjoying this way too much.

"Tyler is a biologist working for the state of Oregon in the parks department."

I nodded like I found it interesting and wondered how long Kate and Garrett expected me to keep up this little game. I came here wanting peace and quiet, someplace to decompress after a semester and a half of trying to prove myself and they throw this at me.

It wasn't that I didn't find Tyler attractive. He was very attractive in the scruffy, man of the outdoors way. He had light brown hair which was slightly shaggy on top and it looked like he'd run his hands through it a million times. In my brief glimpse I noticed he had these pretty blue-green eyes with long lashes. Physically he was my type too; tall, long legs, big hands. In a bizarre way, he reminded me of Edward, but I shut it down before I let my mind wander too much.

For about an hour, I nodded and smiled, pretended I cared – or even knew – what they were talking about, but I just wasn't into it.

Kate finally pulled me into the kitchen to help her with dinner, I could tell she was irritated with me, but she had to have known this was going to happen.

"Come on, B. Why are you giving Ty the cold shoulder?"

I shrugged as I started pulling produce out of the refrigerator.

"He thinks you're cute," she sing-songed as she reached around me to start pulling out the steaks we were apparently having for dinner tonight.

"That's nice," I hummed as I pulled out a cutting board and a knife to slice the tomatoes.

She rolled her eyes and shot me the evil eye as she began seasoning the steaks before putting them in the marinade she'd brought with her from home. Apparently Garrett was a grill master, so they both made all their own sauces. All I knew was that whenever I ate anything at their house it tasted as good as any steakhouse.

"You don't have to marry the guy, just flirt a little. He's going back to Oregon at the end of the week. You never have to see him again if you don't want to."

I nodded as I gritted my teeth, she just didn't understand how uncomfortable this was for me.

"Hell, if I wasn't married to his brother, I'd tap that. He's got that whole unwashed, plaid wearing manly man thing going for him. I've definitely had to stop myself from flirting with him a time or two."

_Trust me, Kate. You don't want to go there. Been there, done that, didn't work out too well._

"Fine, I'll be nice, but if he so much as stares at my boobs the wrong way….I'm coming after you," I said, pointing my knife at her to prove my point. I'd be nice, this whole week would suck if I made it any more awkward, but I wasn't going to do the guy.

By Thursday, I'd managed to avoid Tyler as much as possible without seeming rude. He was a very nice guy, but there was just something about him which put me on edge. His flirtations with me seemed too easy, he was probably a player. There was no way he was that smooth and didn't have women throwing themselves at him. If I'd met him ten years ago, I'd have probably thrown myself at him too.

"So what's your story, Bella Swan?" he asked as he took a seat beside me on the swing in the corner of the back porch.

I sighed and put my book down. He was obviously a man on a mission.

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Where're you from? I already know what you do, but explain to me how an attractive, down to earth woman like you isn't taken."

"I'm from Forks, northwest of Seattle. I went to school near Chicago at Northwestern. I used to be taken, but that's a long, complicated, and_ private_ story."

"Ok, ok…." He said holding his hands up in a defensive position. "I get it. You don't want to talk to me about personal things. How about we start simpler….what's your favorite color?"

I humored him with a simple game of twenty questions and he was polite and stayed away from asking questions that revealed anything personal about me. He, on the other hand, was an open book, and if my heart didn't still reside in Chicago, I'd have been very attracted to him.

By the time the sun went down, we were facing each other and both had our heads leaning against the back of the swing. It would have been so easy to fall for him, to try to make it work with someone nice who lived on my side of the country who wasn't tangled up in my past, but I just couldn't.

"Where'd you go?" he asked as he stroked my exposed cheek with the back of his hand. He was warm, and it felt good, but I felt like I was betraying Edward.

"Nowhere, I'm here," I whispered.

"I like you, Bella. Very much. Why won't you open up to me?"

I sighed as I closed my eyes, a tear slipping out before I could stop it. "I just can't."

"I'm sorry he hurt you." He reached up and used his thumb to wipe away my tear but his hand lingered.

I shook my head, trying to stop thinking about it all, he had it so wrong. I'd hurt myself.

When I opened my eyes, his face had gotten closer, causing my heartbeat to pick up. He slowly stroked my cheekbone as I lamented the fact I didn't feel enough when he touched me. I knew what it was like to have someone's touch set your whole body alive.

Before I could protest, his eyes slipped shut and he closed the distance between us, pressing his lips lightly to my own. I felt a small rush of warmth as I tentatively returned it, but when his tongue swept along my lower lip, I panicked.

I shot up from the swing, leaving my book and bolting into the house. I could vaguely hear his voice calling my name, but I ignored it as I ran up the stairs and locked myself into the room I'd been occupying.

Kate tried to get me to open the door, but I collapsed on the bed sobbing, eventually falling into a restless sleep.

The house was quiet in the morning, and when I looked out the front window, I noticed that Tyler's car was missing. I felt bad for driving him away, but he'd never be who I wanted.

Kate and Garrett awoke shortly after I'd finished packing up my things and cleaning up the kitchen. I'd made a simple breakfast of biscuits, bacon and scrambled up the rest of the eggs.

We all ate in silence, but I could feel them looking at me. I didn't attempt to start any conversation. I was sure that Tyler had probably filled them in on how I freaked out after he kissed me. It was their own fault for letting him think I'd be interested.

The drive back to Seattle was quiet and Kate got out and gave me a big hug when we got to my apartment building.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as she squeezed my arm. I knew she felt bad, but I just wanted to be alone.

I half-heartedly thanked them both for inviting me, and retreated to the solitude of my tiny apartment.

*** BD ***

My depression returned full force at home, but at school I was the model teacher. I was determined not to let my personal issues affect my job.

The school year ended well, with my students mostly receiving passing grades, there were always a few that struggled and refused to seek help or do the work. Overall, I was satisfied with my performance, and couldn't wait for the summer to begin.

Jacob had rekindled things with Vanessa as the summer started. Apparently they'd been talking since Rachel's wedding last year. It had started as trying to rebuild their friendship, but their underlying feelings obviously couldn't be stopped.

I was sad that I was losing time with my friend, but I was happy that he'd gotten her back. Just spending limited time with them on a few occasions made me realize how perfect they were for each other. I just hoped that she wouldn't hurt him again. If anything, I wouldn't be surprised if they were married by Christmas.

Jacob said on more than one occasion that he'd thought about buying her a ring. I told him to be careful, but he'd told me that the heart wants what the heart wants. He was so right. If only I could stop my heart from wanting what it couldn't have then maybe I wouldn't feel so hollow.

Charlie and Susan invited me to Forks for the month of July, and spending time with them helped me get my mind off of things. We spent the Fourth at the beach in La Push for fireworks, and I enjoyed the quiet that wasn't there living in the city.

Susan and I enjoyed cooking together most nights and by the end of the month, they finally told me why they'd invited me to come.

"Bells, would you mind coming for a walk with me?" Charlie asked one night when we'd all finished dinner.

"Sure, Dad," I said as I looked to Susan for confirmation. "You'll be alright cleaning up?"

She gave me a nervous smile and nodded. They were both acting a little strange.

"So what's up, old man?" I teased as we passed the third mailbox on his quiet street.

"How would you feel about adding Susan to the family?" He asked after clearing his throat. He sounded genuinely nervous for my opinion.

"I think you'd be stupid to let a woman like her get away," I told him as he reached over and squeezed my hand. His smile was huge and he looked relieved. He knew I loved having Susan around, she was good for him.

"So you'll stand up with me when we get married in October?" I had a feeling that he'd already asked her. They'd seemed even closer than usual since I'd gotten to Forks. I now knew why Susan had mysterious appointments every few days that she was very secretive about. She must have been planning the wedding all along.

"Of course," I told him as I leaned in to kiss his cheek. "I'd be honored."

"It's gonna be small. We want to do it in the backyard. We both decided we don't need a fancy church wedding."

"Sounds perfect."

"I'm sure Susan has been dying to get you in on the plans, but I wanted to be the one to tell you. We selected the Saturday that coincides with your fall break. We just didn't want to wait until next spring. I'm ready to make it official."

I laughed at his eagerness, and could tell that he really loved her. Charlie was finally living life, and with Susan at his side, I was sure it'd be a happy one.

The sadness I expected to feel wasn't there. I'd tried marriage and it didn't work. Maybe in ten years I'd have a different perspective if I met someone, but I had a feeling that my shot was gone. Charlie was trying again after my parent's train wreck of a marriage, but he'd been alone a long time. He hadn't done anything wrong in his first marriage either. I, on the other hand, had done everything wrong.

*** BD ***

At the beginning of August I packed up and headed back to the city. I spent the few weeks before school started getting everything together and attending staff meetings.

Kate was still apologetic, and slowly we started to spend more time together again. She wisely didn't try to set me up again, so I just had to fend off Anna and her never ending list of potential dates.

Seth thought it was hilarious that she had targeted me, but he also didn't know about Edward, so he didn't know why it upset me so much.

The school year started off well, and I kept myself busy with helping Kate with the literary society. She was the official club sponsor, but it was a pretty intensive club to be involved in, so she enlisted my help.

Most of the students were also on the newspaper staff, so Kate worked well with the group. She taught the newspaper classes and also helped with the yearbook. She was the outgoing English teacher who was a total overachiever. It was amazing to see her interact with the students, they totally adored her, and I hoped that they'd see me in the same way eventually.

The head of the English department had already told me that once I got in my first two years, that he'd consider me to teach higher level classes. I couldn't wait. Teaching freshman who were only taking the class because it was required was challenging.

*** BD ***

Before I could even blink, it was October and I was driving back to Forks for my father's wedding. They were both so excited and it all went perfectly.

The weather was luckily not rainy, so we all enjoyed the crisp fall weather for the ceremony and moved into the heated tent they'd rented for the reception.

More people than I'd expected showed up and they were all delighted to see Charlie so happy.

Jacob even came up from Seattle, along with Vanessa. She was quieter than normal, so I hoped that she wasn't thinking about bailing on Jacob again. The last time I'd seen them, she'd been much more outgoing, so I was curious as to what was going on.

I found out as I shared a dance with Jacob once the DJ had started.

"She's pregnant," he blurted out with a huge grin on his face.

"Wow," I said jerking back to look up at him. "I totally wasn't expecting that."

"I know. Me either, but I'm so excited."

I glanced back at where Nessie was seated with Jacob's sister Rachel and her husband Paul. She had her hand rested on her abdomen and I could tell that she looked like she was happy about it too.

"So when is she due?"

"May. I can't wait until Christmas when we can find out what it is. Best present ever."

I giggled as he twirled me around, he was so happy, and I found it infectious. He gave me a small glimmer of hope, but I couldn't tell why. Edward was still in Chicago and I was here, it wasn't like we'd reconnect.

"We're getting married at Christmas. Will you come?"

"What are you planning to do?"

"We had talked about Vegas, but since she's pregnant, she doesn't want to go there. I think we might just invite my dad and my sisters and go to the Justice of the Peace. I don't care if it's some huge thing as long as we're married at the end."

"Congratulations, Jake. I'd love to be there."

*** BD ***

Thanksgiving was boring, Susan and Charlie had decided to delay their honeymoon and go on a cruise for the holiday, so I was left alone. Jake was visiting Vanessa's family, and Seth and Anna were gone too.

Kate invited me to their house for dinner, but Tyler was going to be there, so I declined. I wasn't in the mood for that awkward interaction.

I ended up getting one of those pre-made meals from a local restaurant and sat at my tiny breakfast bar to eat it.

I actually found myself missing that clusterfuck of a Thanksgiving two years ago in Chicago, but only because Edward was there. I'd found myself wanting to know what he was up to lately, but every time I typed his name into the search field on Google, I ended up deleting it. Not knowing was easier than seeing things I didn't want to.

Time passed both slowly and quickly as the last three weeks of school went by, the only bright spot between all the grading being that Jacob found out they were having a boy. He was over the moon.

Jacob and Vanessa did end up getting married at the courthouse in Seattle on Christmas Eve. She was one of those women who was all baby, so she looked gorgeous in her white maternity gown. It was lace and curved beautifully over her growing bump. Jacob couldn't keep his eyes off her. I was insanely jealous.

*** BD ***

On New Year's Eve, Anna showed up at my apartment as the sun was rising and dragged me out. She'd arranged a spa day and wanted me to come with her. I think it was just so she could guarantee I'd be at their party that night. She even made me bring my outfit with us so I had no excuse to leave.

After getting pampered, I was pretty much willing to go along with her demands and returned with her to the apartment she shared with Seth.

Anna had done most of the party preparations already, so I just got to help her get the food ready. It pretty much just consisted of me putting things on the plate after she heated them up. It was mindless, and I enjoyed it.

When the guests started arriving, I helped myself to the open bar and found a quiet seat by the windows which overlooked the city. It was strange not seeing snow everywhere, but it was still plenty cold enough outside.

About an hour into the party, I knew that my luck had run out.

"There she is," Anna said in an overly cheerful voice. She was dragging a tallish blonde man behind her that looked vaguely familiar. He had a pretty boy face, and I could tell that his smile was well practiced.

"Bella, come meet Mike," she said, beckoning me to stand up and join them.

I slowly dragged myself out of the chair and cursed when I realized that my glass was empty, I had a feeling I was going to need alcohol for this.

"Bella, this is Mike Newton. He's the Channel 13 evening sports desk anchor."

I nodded and gave a small smile, wave combo, internally wanting to just ignore her and sprint across the room toward the booze.

"Mike, this is Bella Swan. She's a teacher at Seth's school. They went to Northwestern together."

He reached forward and grabbed my hand, slowly bringing it up to his mouth to kiss the back of it.

I shuddered – and not in a good way – as I pulled my hand back, I hated smarmy men who tried to be charming.

"It's all my pleasure to meet you, Bella."

_Uck….._

Mike was nice enough to offer to refill my drink, so I got a brief two minute reprieve from his ego before the real torture started.

I couldn't believe that Anna though I'd be interested in him. Other than the dimples, which were apparently his trademark, I wasn't in the least bit attracted to him. His personality just enforced it further.

He only talked about sports, what it was like to be on TV and himself. Anytime I tried to steer the conversation away from him, he'd conveniently interrupt and go back to making me wish I had a nail to drive into my skull.

Near midnight, one of the PE teachers, Jessica, bumped into Mike from behind and his drink went right down my cleavage. He tried to reach forward to "dry" it for me, but I batted his hands away and foisted him on Jessica.

When I returned to the party after stealing one of Anna's shirts, I noticed Mike and Jessica joined at the mouth in the corner and fist pumped in joy to be away from him.

After giving Anna the scoop on why I was wearing her clothes, she excused me to go home, as I'd had enough excitement for the evening.

The cab got me home at ten minutes till midnight, and when the clock switched over to 12:01, I was cuddled in my pajamas hoping that the New Year brought something better than the one I'd just had.

My dreams brought me back to Chicago, and I spent the night chasing Edward as he fled from me. Even in my dreams he wouldn't forgive me.

*** BD ***

Things at school had been busy before the holidays. I was lonely and even though I spent time with people from work quite often, it just wasn't the same. I felt like the new semester was going to bring something with it, but I didn't know whether or not it was going to be good or bad. I had felt so numb over the last year, and even though I knew that I did well during my first few semesters teaching, I was just beginning to hit my stride.

It was strange to live somewhere by myself still. I was alone, and that was hard enough, but I really just felt lost. I didn't know anyone outside of my school, well besides Jacob, and he was a newlywed with a baby on the way.

My only interaction with a man had been my disastrous kiss with Tyler over Spring Break.

I had pretty much given up on feeling that fire again. I knew that I could never go back to Chicago. My life there was over, and I hadn't even spoken to anyone since I left. Esme sent me some pictures when I first moved into my new apartment, but after that, the contact was over.

I didn't even look at them. I knew what they were. They were from the Christmas before last and New Year's, back when I was living in a confused, delusional mess. I was so naïve to actually believe that continuing my affair with Edward was plausible. It was an inevitability that it was all going to blow up in my face. And while no one besides the two of us, and possibly Alice knew what happened between us, I still carried around that guilt.

I was a cheater. I was capable of being unfaithful to someone, and I had always assumed that once you opened that door it never closed. I was terrified of even trying again because I knew it was inevitable that I was going to hurt someone.

Not telling Emmett about the affair was both the easiest and the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Telling him - knowing that I had ended things with Edward once he got sick - would have just been cruel. Our relationship had fallen apart long before that, Edward's advances were just the final nail in our coffin. If I had truly loved Emmett, I would have never let it happen.

Edward deserved so much more than I could ever give him. He deserved the house with the white picket fence, 2.5 kids and the dog; and how could I forget the gorgeous wife? I would never be that for him. I was broken. I broke myself and I didn't know how to fix it.

Moving to Seattle had been good, not great, not fantastic, but good. I was closer to my father. I had made some new friends. I was finally being independent for the first time in my life, but there was still something missing.

I wasn't stupid, I knew what, or more accurately who, it was, but I was never going to get it back. That part of my life was over, and I really needed to get past it. I needed to forget about all of the 'what ifs' I left in Chicago and focus on making sure I got through my life here.

My principal had been adamant that I help with the new teacher orientation that was going to take place the week before the spring semester was to begin. She said she needed confident first and second year teachers to help the new hires through the first few weeks of the semester.

Apparently it was a tried and true method of hers to have peer mentoring among the faculty and even though I was not in the right state of mind to be taking on the extra burden of holding a new teacher's hand, I knew that I owed her for taking a chance on me. Not many principals would have taken on a new teacher without any experience who was several years out of college. The fact that I had taken all those years off would have been a red flag to anyone else.

I was definitely in her debt for that. She was divorced herself and knew what it was like to go back to work after having your marriage fall apart around you. She said that it had been years since she had left her husband, but she still remembered how grateful she felt when she was able to get her first job to support herself entirely.

The only difference was that she had a small child to worry about as well. I guess that I could have considered myself lucky that I had not had any children with Emmett, but at 29, I felt like having a child was no longer in the cards for me. I didn't want to raise a child alone, and I never saw myself letting someone in long enough to get that close to me again.

The end of my marriage was essentially the end of a lot of plans and dreams that I had once held, but again, that was my cross to bear, because I had brought it all upon myself.

As I crossed the threshold into the school, I was bombarded with all of the sensations I had felt when I was here for my own new teacher orientation. I was terrified. I had never been so afraid that I was going to fail at something in my life.

Being so sheltered during my marriage to Emmett had somehow taken away my confidence. I constantly needed validation that what I was doing was the right thing.

It probably also didn't help that I was nursing a severely shattered heart and had basically just moved into an apartment the size of my living room in Chicago. Walking dead didn't even begin to describe the zombie like state that I functioned in the first few weeks of school that first August I was in Seattle.

"Baby bell!" Seth boomed as I pushed my way into the main office and started toward the small conference room next to the teacher's lounge.

"Hey!" I beamed as he engulfed me in his enormous arms and squeezed me tightly.

"I'm so sorry about the whole set-up fiasco. If I would have known she was going to force The Newt on you, I would have at least warned you, but you know how Anna is, always thinking she's a great matchmaker."

I pulled back out of his arms and patted his cheek. "It's alright. I know it wasn't your idea. At least I was able to escape when he accidentally spilled his drink down my blouse. That man brings a whole spin on thinking you're dying of boredom. I had no idea a sportscaster could be so dull off camera."

"Yeah, he is a bit of a limp noodle."

"Limp noodle? Seriously, Seth?" I laughed as we turned and headed toward the door of the conference room. I could hear quiet voices coming from the other side of the door and wondered who else had been roped into helping break in the newbies today. "What are you doing here anyways? I thought today was just for the peer mentors."

"Oh, it is, but I was asked to come and speak to the new hires about the joys of coaching high school sports. Apparently we'll need a new assistant swim coach and a girl's tennis coach. I was the lowest person on the totem pole since I just took over soccer this past season, so I get to try to recruit the clueless before they realize how crappy coaching pay really is."

"Fun," I said mustering as much sarcasm as possible. I had never been so happy that I was horrible at sports in my life. Even though, they had a made valiant effort to recruit me to the cross country coaching staff at the beginning of the year. Thank god I didn't need the money that bad.

I was luckily able to make ends meet with my teaching salary and hadn't had to touch the money in my investment account. I still didn't feel right knowing that Emmett had given me all that money as well as my twenty thousand dollar car as a part of the divorce settlement. I know that he was trying to make sure I didn't walk away empty handed since he had initiated the divorce, but if he knew the truth I doubt that he would have been so generous.

Shaking my head out of my destructive thoughts, I took a deep breath and opened the door in front of me and plastered a smile on my face. My colleagues were still under the impression that I was actually a genuinely happy person; if only that were really the case.

"Bella!" my friend and colleague Kate beamed as she crossed the room to usher me toward where a small name card stated _Isabella Swan, English 9 and Classic Literature_.

"Hey, Kate. So where is this new hire I'm being assigned to?"

"Well, actually, he's not here yet. Apparently, he had some trouble with his move and needed to come in late today, so you get to hang out with me during the fun getting to know each other games. He's actually not going to be in our department. We're still oversaturated with faculty after taking on the two new teacher's aides last semester, so you were assigned to the new Jazz Ensemble and Modern Music Theory teacher. He's from the Midwest somewhere, but according to the gossips in the guidance office, he's quite the eye candy," she said with a wink, bumping my shoulder with her own before taking her seat.

I huffed and sat down next to her, not exactly thrilled about the fact that I was being forced to mentor the new 'man meat.' I was in no way interested in getting hit on, propositioned, or otherwise. I could only hope he was not self absorbed or arrogant about his looks, god knows there were enough of those kinds of teachers in this school. I also hoped he was at least professional enough not to think flirting with his students to get on their good side was an option.

Too many of the young good looking staff in this school had been reprimanded for improper remarks to older, more brazen female students. Teenage girls always broadcasted anything they thought was important, so it all ended up getting back to the principal's office by the end of the day if some truly juicy gossip was being spread.

"As long as he doesn't think I'm going to be impressed by his lucky genetics, I think I'll be fine."

"My god, B. Could you act any more like an old biddy?" Kate laughed as we pretended to pay attention to the group activities. "Just because of the shit you went through in Chicago it doesn't mean you have to be a freaking nun. Maybe hooking up with a young hot piece of ass is just what you need."

_Been there, done that._

"Watch your mouth, Kate," I hissed as I gave her a scathing look. The last thing I needed was for anyone to find out what had happened before I came to Seattle. Most people had figured out that I was divorced, but only Kate and Seth knew I had left behind someone; someone who wasn't my ex-husband.

Thinking about Edward after all these months still caused a pang of sadness. I was really never going to get over him. I moved to the other end of the country to get away from everything, and yet my heart was still behind in Chicago. He probably hated me for the way that I lied to him and ended things, but I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. It would have never worked out.

I didn't regret coming to Seattle, I had made some valuable friends, had a job I was proud of, and for the first time in my life, _I_ made the rules. It was completely unfair that the happiness that should have been derived from that was overshadowed by the deep seated sense of loneliness I carried around with me. It's not like I needed a relationship to be happy; I just missed him, so much.

No one in the room seemed to notice how I just went through the motions for the rest of the team building exercises. I smiled when needed, laughed and came up with totally BS answers to the getting to know you questions. The only person who really knew me wasn't here to point out that I was lying.

Once the group had wrapped up most of the session, I found myself getting annoyed that this guy who I was supposed to mentor couldn't even bother to be here to actually get to know everyone. He was in for a rude awakening once he realized that you needed to network as soon as possible when teaching in a high school. If you pissed off the wrong teacher, they would make your life miserable through the office gossip mill.

"God, Kate, when is this ass going to show up anyways? Wasn't the whole point of today for everyone to get to know each other so we can work together? How the hell am I supposed to mentor someone I've never even met?"

Kate was looking at me with surprise mixed evenly with embarrassment as she politely coughed to interrupt my rant and nodded behind me. I realized that the embarrassment she felt must have been for me being such an idiot.

I fought the urge to smack myself in the face as I realized he was probably standing behind me as I made a total ass out of myself.

_Great first impression, Bella….real smooth…._

As I turned around to face the guy I was apparently going to have to suck up to in order to save face, I didn't expect it to be the person who had left me feeling fundamentally empty inside.

_Edward_

His hair was shorter on the sides, the top artfully arranged, he looked older. The most striking thing was the scruffy goatee on his face. I had never imagined him with facial hair, but it just looked right. He looked tired, yet mildly amused. I knew I was probably the cause of that and it was one of the last things I remembered thinking before my knees gave out and the floor came rushing at me.

*** BD ***

"Bella?" I could feel a warm hand cupping my cheek as another lightly jostled my shoulder. This dream I was in was confusing me.

I was obviously in an alternate universe, because I could have sworn Edward was here, in Seattle, at my school. That just wasn't possible. He was in Chicago, probably with a new, hot, way younger than me, girlfriend. She was perfect, and they were going to get married and have perfect babies together.

_Ugh, even in my dreams I made myself want to vomit….._

"Come back, sweetheart. I know you're awake." The voice in my ear was soft, and I could feel his breath on my cheek. Surely I couldn't hallucinate that. Even so, I didn't want to wake up, that would mean I would be alone again.

I wanted to pretend Edward actually was here, and he was happy to see me. I knew that certainly wouldn't be the case if it were true. He would hate me like I hated myself for leaving him so callously. I just didn't know how to do it any other way.

"Bella, you need to get up, people are staring." The voice in my dream was starting to sound nervous.

"B, get your scrawny ass off the floor."

_What was Kate doing in my dream…..?_

* * *

**A/N: So um total cliffhanger, but you got what you were asking for…..I'll try to get the next chapter to you as soon as I can. :D Hope all of you who celebrate it have a Merry Christmas. And those of you who don't, I hope you have a happy holiday season :D**


	19. When Your Past Follows You Home

**Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight...Do own various forms of Daisy Duck who Toddler P is now obsessed with. She won't call me Mommy, but she'll run around Disney constantly saying 'Daisy'. **

**I tried to post this earlier, but apparently Disney Resorts are a giant cockblock because ffn was considered a Rated R website, so I even had to read updates on the tiny screen of my phone. We had a blast and P loved getting to meet all the characters. Only had a few puking incidents on our last two days, but she bounced back like a champ.**

**This is my Christmas gift to all of you, may you enjoy sneaking off from family members to read it. :) Expect the next update after the New Year, most likely. There should only be two more chapters after this.**

**Thanks to Carenl/nerac and beegurl13 yet again for getting this chapter back to me before I left so I can post this for you now! They both enjoyed it, so I hope you will too...**

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen: When Your Past Follows You Home**

As I slowly peeked out of one eye, the mortification set in when I realized the entire room had surrounded where I was laid out on the floor. Edward was crouched down at my side with a look of concern on his face and Kate was standing on the other side of me, the toe of her boot poking me in the side. She just looked annoyed.

I immediately clamped my eyes shut and brought my hands up to cover my face. I'd just embarrassed myself in a room full of my colleagues. As if they didn't already think I was weird enough, this would do it.

"Are you going to just lie there all day or will you be getting up so we can finish the rest of this and go home?" That comment came from my principal, Ms. Laurent. She was right, they only had about an hour left today, and I was eating into all the fun and games.

I uncovered my face and tentatively pushed myself up from the floor, wincing when I realized I must have hit the back of my head fairly hard when I fainted.

"Here, let me help you," Edward murmured as he gripped onto one of my arms and hauled me up from the floor. When he released me, he stayed close and put a hand behind my back to steady me as we returned to our seats. I couldn't help rubbing my arm where he'd touched me. His touch still seemed to have an effect on me, my skin burning underneath my sweater.

Once we were seated, the orientation session continued and Irina had Edward stand up and introduce himself to the room. It was like looking at a stranger when he talked about his passion for music education and his experiences in Chicago. He'd never even told me he wanted to teach, or maybe I didn't know because I'd never asked. There had been so many signs I'd missed because I was so wrapped up in myself.

Seeing him again – even being in the same room with him again – made me realize exactly how stupid I'd been. He was just as amazing as I'd remembered, and I knew then that I could never make up for what I'd put him through. I'd been in such a dark place back then, and even though I still had my moments of depression, it really was better for me to have been on my own to mourn the loss of my marriage and the life I'd built in Chicago.

I was totally entranced by him as he charmed the room. I'd only ever seen the Cullen charm displayed so blatantly by Emmett. I never knew that Edward could be even more captivating.

"So why exactly did you chose to move to Seattle, Edward?" one of the other new teachers – I think her name was Emma – asked as she batted her mascara plastered eyelashes at him.

"Well, as most of you know, Seattle is definitely one of the hubs for the music industry, so the local scene here is active. I got into the Jazz clubs in Chicago, but I've always wanted to see what else was out there as far as other areas of the country." He smiled wistfully, and I wondered if he was thinking about everything he'd left behind in Chicago. I wanted to know if he missed it. "I guess that I really came out here for something else though. I missed an opportunity a few years back and decided that it was time to see if my chances were really gone."

Everyone seemed to be a little confused by the vague comment at the end, but I wasn't. If the penetrating stare directly into my eyes as he talked wasn't a sign, then the way he intentionally scooted his chair closer to mine when he sat back down or the way his pinky kept running along the outside seam of my jeans definitely were.

Edward wasn't here to mess around. If I wasn't mistaken, his showing up here wasn't a coincidence at all. He'd come for me.

I was a huge mess of confusion by the end of the meeting, and was glad that I could maybe retreat to my quiet apartment and process this. I was supposed to go out with Kate, but I hoped she would understand.

Kate had put two and two together as well and couldn't help the little comments under her breath as the meeting wrapped up.

"Please tell me you got on that?" she whispered as everyone started to pack up their things. Edward had gone up to the front to officially introduce himself to Irina, so he luckily wasn't there to hear Kate.

I rolled my eyes and glared at her, the last thing I needed was rumors to surface among the new hires. She looked at me curiously and the blush that arose was probably a dead giveaway.

"You totally did, I can tell by the way he looks at you. The sexual tension between you two may not be resolved, but it's sure as hell been explored. Damn. No wonder you wouldn't settle for Tyler. Why didn't you tell me you left _that_ behind in Chicago? I would have told you to go back to get him a long damn time ago."

"Breathe," I chided as she continued her rant. She still didn't know exactly how I knew Edward. She'd made the connection that I knew him, but she still hadn't pieced together that he was from the same Cullen family of my ex-husband.

"Wait. OH!" she squeaked as it finally clicked into place. Luckily the room had pretty much cleared out. Along with Edward and Irina, we were the only ones left.

"Not here," I hissed. She laughed and pushed me out the door and into the hallway. Edward's head shot up from his discussion with the principal as we rushed by them. He looked like he wanted to say something, but Irina quickly regained his attention.

"So Cullen, huh?" She asked as I strode down the hallway toward where the vending machines were. I needed some caffeine or at least sugar to deal with this conversation. Since the president's wife had ruined school drink vending machines with her exile of sugary caffeinated beverages, I had to go with candy instead. As I selected the small bag of Hershey's kisses and watched them drop to the bottom of the machine, she tapped her foot as she waited for me to respond.

"Yup. That's his last name."

"Oh cut the crap, B. How's he related to your ex? I know it can't just be a coincidence. Especially since every time I've asked you about this guy you left behind in Chicago, you immediately clam up."

"He'shislittlebrother," I rushed out under my breath. I quickly shoved a little piece of chocolate in my mouth afterwards to try to muffle it further.

I thought she'd ask me to repeat myself, but no, apparently Kate had superhuman hearing. I was glad we'd moved down the hallway from the conference room as she started to let out loud, totally unladylike guffaws.

"Oh shit," she giggled as I glared at her. "His _little_ brother! Oh my god! Too hilarious! Didn't know you had it in you….oh yeah, you've had it in you all right! I bet it's not little…just look at those fin…gers."

"Knock it off," I hissed as she wiped tears from the corner of her eyes. I was _so_ glad she got this much amusement from my past transgressions.

"Oh, come on," she panted as she elbowed me in the side. "You know I think Gar's little brother is a hottie. Although, I guess I never actually fucked him."

"Thanks, you're making me feel so much better about this."

"Well, if the way he stared at your tits half the meeting is any indication, I'd say he's still interested."

If only that's why I was freaking out. I could feel our physical connection was just as strong as ever, but it'd been everything else we'd made a mess of. We were so caught up in sneaking around that our relationship had floundered. We'd gone from in-laws to friends to secret lovers and somehow the reasons that I was initially attracted to him had gotten muddled.

I didn't know if he still had the same taste in music, if he still liked movies with subtitles more than ones with big guns and explosions. I didn't know what had led him here, and I didn't know how he didn't hate me. Simply put, I really didn't know him anymore.

I'd changed over the past two years. I liked to think I wasn't the same insecure lost person anymore. I couldn't even imagine the ways that he'd most likely changed in my absence.

"I don't even know if I deserve him anymore."

"Maybe that's not up to you," I heard from behind me. The voice much deeper than the one I was expecting.

Kate had stepped to the side and Edward was standing directly behind me, his messenger bag strung over one shoulder and his hands shoved in his pockets. He looked wary as he looked at me, and I knew that he was just as scared of me as I was of him. Only he'd been the one to finally have the courage to try to resolve everything between us.

"Um, can you give us a minute?" I asked Kate as she tried to sneak out the door behind Edward.

"Oh, no," she said waving me off as she grabbed her purse from the floor and moved into the doorway. "I've got to get home to Garrett anyways. Just um…call me? Whenever you have the chance. Tomorrow….next week, whenever."

I shook my head at her subtle implication that I wouldn't be able to call her right away. I gave her a tight smile and nodded, returning my attention to the beautiful creature only a few feet away from me.

Edward's attire had obviously changed since I'd seen him last. He was wearing a pair of dark wash jeans that had a tailored look to them along with a pair of shiny dress shoes. His long sleeved pinstriped blue shirt may have had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a few buttons at the collar undone, but he still looked more polished than I remembered.

I found myself wondering if I looked like a slob next to him in a simple lavender sweater set and a pair of faded jeans. I normally dressed up more when I taught, but school wasn't in session yet.

"I'm glad I caught you," he sighed as he ran one hand along the side of his neck. His nervous habits were still obviously the same. "I was afraid you'd left. I wanted to talk to you."

"Well, you caught me," I said with an awkward smile, folding my hands behind my back.

"Do you have any plans right now?"

I shook my head slightly. "No, um. I uh…I'm free." I wanted to smack myself upside the head for the nervous stuttering.

"No one waiting for you? I mean, I didn't interrupt your plans with your friend?"

"No, no one is waiting for me. Kate and I were gonna go get coffee, but she obviously couldn't wait to get home."

"Did you still want to go?" he asked as he shifted his weight from side to side. "To get coffee I mean?"

"With you?" I asked with an eyebrow raised. _Why was this so awkward?_

"Yeah, with me. I know we won't find a Bourgeois Pig around here, but I could suffer through Starbucks if I had to."

I smiled at his distaste for the coffee conglomerate. He'd always hated the over commercialized, overpriced feel of the place.

"Don't worry, I've got you covered. There's this little place not too far from where I live."

After an even more awkward song and dance in the cold parking lot of the school, he decided to follow me to the coffee shop.

I was thoroughly surprised that I didn't rear-end someone on the way to my neighborhood with the way I kept checking my rearview mirror to make sure his silver Volvo was still behind me. I even let out an unladylike snort when I caught him waving at me. I'd been caught.

We couldn't find parking in the small lot next to the shop, but we found street parking a few blocks away. I was only about twenty feet from my building when I got out of my car, but I kept that knowledge close to my chest. I wasn't quite ready to share everything in my new life with Edward. I also didn't want to be totally alone with him. I was afraid if he knew that I lived so close, he'd want to see my apartment.

"So this place has good coffee?" he asked as he walked directly beside me on the sidewalk.

"Hmm," I hummed as I stared down at where our fingers almost brushed between us. Each of us had our outer hands in our pocket and the others dangling dangerously close together. It reminded me of all the times we'd gone out in Chicago, I could always sense his touch, but neither of us could ever actually initiate holding hands in public. Things were different now, but I couldn't deny I wanted him to touch me. "It's not bad. I'm more of a tea drinker these days, but I just like how cozy it feels."

"Any purple couches?" he asked as he gave me a shy sideways smile.

"No, but there are some red plush chairs."

"Too bad."

When we entered the shop, it was fairly deserted and I was glad that most people still seemed to be squirreled away after the New Year's celebrations a few days ago. We had our choice of seating, and even though there was a small green loveseat tucked away in the corner available, Edward sat his bag down next to a small table for two in the middle of the room. There wasn't anyone around us, but it was implied that our talk needed to happen in a public place. I wondered what he had to say to me, or maybe he just thought it'd be more comfortable for me with a little distance.

He held the table while I got my tea, aimlessly stirring as it steeped in my mug. He got up to place his order while I took off my coat and settled in. I was almost expecting him to insist on getting our drinks, but I realized our previous familiarity had become awkward. I wasn't sure how to act around him, and it was obvious it was the same for him.

"So why did you come to Seattle, really?" I asked as he sat down with his steaming mug of black coffee.

"Well I guess we're not pulling punches, huh?" He mused as he shot me a tight grin. "I meant what I said earlier, Bella. I'm here to try to figure out if I just imagined everything between us, or if it was real. I wasn't ready to just give up and let you go."

I blew out a noisy breath and nodded. He obviously wasn't going to hold anything back from me.

"It's been two years, Edward. Why now? I thought you'd have gotten over me by now."

He shook his head and tapped his foot nervously, his knee causing the table to rock slightly.

"Sorry," he apologized as he reached across to steady my cup, our hands touching slightly.

"It's alright."

We both sat there quietly for a moment as he brought his hand back to his own cup and stared down into the dark liquid.

"I tried to forget you, believe me. I was so angry at you for such a long time for just running away. I wanted to follow you, to shake some sense into you, but you'd made it pretty clear you didn't want to see me. I even thought I imagined seeing you on the street once," he chuckled darkly. "Emmett was such an asshole, telling our parents it was your idea to leave Chicago. He told them he let you leave because he knew he wasn't fair to you with how much he worked. He made it sound like he was such a fucking martyr when he was off flirting with that bitch in his spare time."

He must have been talking about Rose. I knew that Edward had a falling out with her, but Emmett didn't really go into details. Edward obviously knew about how close they were even though Em swore they were just friends.

"Why didn't you tell me about wanting to be a teacher?"

It was changing the subject a little, but he obviously held bitter feelings toward his brother. I couldn't say that Em's actions were totally innocent, but we were divorced, why did I care what he or his parents thought of me? I wasn't caught in the Cullen web anymore.

"I just wanted to surprise you, I guess," he shrugged. "I wasn't completely sure that was the way I was going when you left Chicago. I'd done some teaching experiences, with Victoria, actually, but I hadn't finalized my student teaching placement yet."

"Did you just come here for me, Edward? I mean. It's so good to see you, I feel like I need to apologize to you for so many things, but I don't want you to uproot your life for me. That probably sounds so self-centered, but you said that you came here to see about me, and….."

"I don't think you understand, Bella. I'm here, for good. I left Chicago with the intention not to go back." His green eyes were fierce as he interrupted me.

"That's not exactly possible Edward. Your entire family is there. Your parents wouldn't exactly take lightly to you taking off completely. I'm surprised that your dad hasn't threatened to cut you off for running off to the other side of the country."

There was a stilted silence after that comment. When I looked up, Edward was gently swaying his coffee cup, the dark liquid spinning as he did this.

"He already did," Edward said quietly.

"What? Oh my god, what happened?"

"I decided to 'chase a pipe dream' and move across the country to become a teacher in a suburban school outside of Seattle." When he returned his eyes across the table to me, they were filled with sadness. "They didn't understand why I wouldn't let it go to come here. I had a job at the academy my first year, and I basically told them where to stick it when I found out that my mother was behind it. That and the fact that I realized there was nothing holding me there.

"I haven't talked to Em much since you left, and don't plan on doing so since he moved that bitch into the brownstone permanently. My choice in professions was a bone of contention with my parents anyways. I was miserable, and I decided that with Ali and Jazz getting married and moving to New York that I didn't need to stay there anymore.

"I packed all of my stuff, sublet my room in the apartment, found out where you went and came here. My mother is the only one in my family who currently knows where I am exactly.

"My apartment and my car are pretty much the only things I have right now. My dad emptied my bank account when I flipped out and yelled at him the last time I talked to him. I took what was left of my grandfather's trust and bought my apartment."

I nodded thoughtfully as he poured out everything to me. It seemed like after I left, my worst fears happened anyways. He was estranged from his family, and then after the end of the summer, his friends would have been leaving him.

Apparently, Rose and Em's relationship was not so friendly if she was moving in with him – although it had been almost two years – and I couldn't believe that Carlisle was as cold as Edward painted him to be. I mean I always knew that their relationship was tenuous at best, but there was something that I was missing. They must have had a real falling out after I left.

"I'm so sorry, Edward." I reached across the table to pat his hand, but his hand came down on top of mine, sandwiching it between both of his. "I tried so hard to keep that from happening, and it did anyway."

"Don't be," he said looking into my eyes. "I once told you I would give up everything for you, and I meant it. I didn't tell you everything to make you feel sorry for me. I told you because I want you to know that I came here for you, and I have no intention of going back. Even if you don't want to be with me, I'm here, for the long haul. I'm just as guilty as you are about everything that happened between us in Chicago."

"I honestly don't know what to say to that Edward. I don't think I'm in a place where I can promise you anything. I just figured out who I am, and I was miserable until, well, I don't know that I really stopped until I came here.

"I wish that I could tell you that we could ride off into the sunset together, but I can't. I am your brother's ex wife. How exactly would that work if you started talking to your family again? I don't see them taking something like that lightly."

It was hard to look away from him as he took in what I was saying. I could tell my words were hurting him, but he looked resolved as he responded.

"I honestly don't give a shit, Bella. I'm tired of pretending that you didn't mean something to me. That you still don't. I loved you….I am _in love_ with you. All these years apart didn't change that for me."

I gasped as I could feel all the blood rushing to my head. He sounded so serious, so determined. He really wasn't going to let me off easy. I couldn't deny that his words sparked something inside of me; something that had been dormant for so long. My feelings for him were just as strong.

"Don't give me some bullshit story about how we could never be." He continued. "I know we can be together. We don't have any responsibilities to anyone but ourselves. I know I could make you happy, why won't you let me?"

That was precisely the question I was asking myself constantly. Why wouldn't I let myself be happy?

I had a deep seated need to torture myself constantly, and case in point, I never really let Edward in. Our relationship, if you could even call it one, had always been about him giving himself completely, and I was holding everything back.

I couldn't do that to him. I was an entirely selfish person and I didn't know if I could let someone else in. My behavior in Chicago showed me that I couldn't even trust myself, how was I going to let him in?

"Don't," he whispered as he squeezed my hand to get my attention. "Please, Bella, don't overanalyze this. I'm here, I want you, and I'm not going to take no for an answer this time."

As I contemplated his words, _I want you¸_ I realized that maybe he was right, maybe it was just that simple. I had tried to shield him from the pain of potentially losing his family because of our affair, and it happened regardless. Maybe I wasn't the reason, but I couldn't have prevented it either, it was going to happen eventually.

I cleared my throat awkwardly and his eyes snapped from where he had been watching our hands to my face. I still couldn't get over how different he seemed in the two years since I'd seen him last. He looked so much more mature, determined….weary. What I had done had broken something inside of him. He looked much more guarded and yet he was making himself vulnerable for me.

Was I ready to take this step with him? If I said yes, and agreed to be with him, that was it, I was committed again. Hadn't I left Chicago looking to find myself away from him, from Emmett? Had I done that?

My nod was barely perceptible to myself, but his answering grin was something that would be etched in my mind forever. It was still there, that fluttering sensation that was always there with his presence in my life.

_I loved him_…I _love _him…

It had never really gone away. I had tried to bury it, to snuff it out, to smother that feeling deep inside of myself for protection, but looking into his bright green eyes, it flamed brighter than ever.

"I need to tell you something," I murmured as he scooted his chair around to the side of the small café table. My hand was still enveloped in his warmth and it made my heart skip.

"Anything," he breathed as he tucked a stray lock of hair that had fallen down from my sloppily constructed ponytail.

"I lied," I confessed, my throat cracking on the words.

He looked at me in confusion and I continued before I lost the nerve.

"I did…I mean, I still…." I shook my head as I felt a bead of perspiration form at the back of my neck. "I love you."

I felt like I couldn't breathe after the words left my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and tried to keep myself from crying. It was overwhelming keeping it all inside all these months, the past two years even, and then just trusting him with the truth.

"Oh, Bella," he sighed as both of his hands came up to frame my face. I slowly let my eyes open, and gasped when I realized how close he had gotten. His eyes were glistening and I felt a few stray tears pool in my own as he just looked at me. _He knew._

Each exhale against my skin sparked something inside of me that had long been dormant. Hope. He was still here; he was still fighting for me. All I had to do was jump.

Before I could second guess myself anymore, I leaned into his embrace. My lips ghosted over his once before he let out the most beautiful sigh. Relief. All the barriers I had put up crumbled down as he pulled my face back and captured my lips more forcefully.

It didn't even take any effort at all to melt into his kiss. The energy pulsed between us as we lost ourselves in each other and for once in my life, I was going to grab something with both hands and not let it go.

My palms came up to rest on the backs of his hands where he gripped me.

"I love you," I gasped as he broke from my lips and pulled back to look at me.

"I know," his eyes drifted shut as his chest heaved in labored breaths. I could only imagine how he felt in this moment. He had waited for so long to hear me finally tell him how I felt. He may have known, but hearing the words does something to you, it makes you feel something almost profound; something that I had never let him experience.

"I'm so sorry," I half whispered, half sobbed as I leaned forward and placed my head on his chest. His hands came down to cradle my shoulders and I let myself relax into him. "I was so horrible to you. I don't know why you don't hate me. I told you such terrible lies. I didn't mean…"

"No, don't." His hands came up and released my hair from the tie and he ran his fingers through it as he held me to his chest. "I wouldn't trade any of it. It was losing you that made me finally take a step back and do what _I_ wanted for once. I wanted to find you, but I had to find myself first."

His words sound so mature, gone is the slightly naïve young man that he used to be and in his place is a _man._ Maybe he did need me to leave him in order for us to finally get things figured out. I just can't believe that he's actually here. He actually came here for me, to find me, and to love me. It was more than a little overwhelming.

"So," he whispered as he smoothed his hand down the back of my head, running his fingers through my hair. "Is there any way that I can convince you to come home with me?"

His voice low and heavy, but I could tell it was from emotion and not arousal. He was right, doing this in a public venue, no matter how deserted was probably not a good idea. I wasn't afraid of anyone finding us out, like I would have been in Chicago, but a little privacy was probably needed.

I knew nothing about the time after I left except for the little bit that he told me. He never told me that he was going to school to become a teacher. I also was beginning to wonder how we were going to explain what was happening between us to our colleagues. There wasn't exactly a written rule about inter-staff fraternization, but it wasn't encouraged either.

"You're just trying to get into my pants." His answering laugh was full and clear, he sounded happy.

"If I wanted into your pants, I wouldn't have bothered trying to talk first. You'd already be in my bed, Bella. I know what you like, remember?" He kissed the soft skin beneath my ear and ran his tongue lightly along my earlobe before blowing on it softly. He was right, if he wanted to; he could have totally gotten me naked already.

It'd been too long since a man touched me, much less the way Edward used to. I didn't exactly count the awkward almost kiss I got from Tyler during Spring Break. I couldn't deny the fact that underneath all of the emotions that seemed to be surfacing between us that there was still that tension, that sexual attraction that I've always had with Edward.

*** BD ***

We decided to leave my car parked on the street near my building and he drove us to his apartment.

It was strange being in his car again, I'd have thought he would have upgraded it since I'd been in it last, but it even still smelled the same.

Before I could try to break the awkward silence between us, he was pulling into an assigned space in a lot behind an apartment building. It was taller, and much newer than mine, but it wasn't too horribly fancy.

The door had an electronic key swipe and he quickly ran a card through before leading us to a bank of elevators.

The silence continued as we stood side by side, leaning against the back wall and watching the numbers go by.

I saw his fingers twitching out of the corner of my eye and realized that he wasn't sure how to initiate touching me either. Although, he surprised me when the doors opened and he grabbed my hand, pulling me out behind him.

"Home sweet home," he murmured as he slid the key into the door and led us inside. I found myself blindly following him as he led me through a small hallway, a kitchen on the right and his living room in front of us.

"Here," he said motioning to his couch. It was deep, rich brown leather with a few light brown linen pillows thrown onto one end. It looked vaguely familiar, and I wondered what had made the trip from Chicago with him. "Sit down and wait here. There's something I want to show you."

It was no surprise that his apartment was much nicer than mine. Edward had never hesitated to spend money on things that he actually liked. He didn't blow through it like his brother, but he did like nice things. From what was unpacked, I could tell that this wasn't a temporary move for him. He'd brought his life with him. It drove home the words that he'd told me in the coffee shop. He was here to start over, with me. For once in my life, I was going to embrace something and not look back. I was in this for good now.

We were both free of the things that killed our relationship before, and I hoped that Edward being in Seattle would provide a fresh start for us.

I wanted to get to know him again, a lot of things had obviously changed in the past two years, and we were both different people now. Maybe now that he was separated from the pressures that his parents had both put on him, he'd finally be happy.

My head turned towards the hallway that obviously led to his bedroom just as he was returning. He had something that looked like a laminated piece of paper in his hand. Edward looked truly nervous, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what he wanted to show me.

"Okay. I feel like I need to show this to you, but I'm not sure if it will freak you out. Just please keep an open mind and know that I never meant to keep anything from you before. There was just never an easy way to bring this up with you."

He hesitantly placed the paper on my lap and at first I was confused as to why this was relevant.

I scanned the page, taking in that it was an assignment of Edward's from his ninth grade English class. It wasn't until I read the title of the assignment that things started to click into place. The lesson I'd done on Jane Eyre was staring back at me with comments all over it in my handwriting.

It was overwhelming to see an old lesson of mine, back when I was idealistic and so excited about getting the opportunity to teach. It was even more overwhelming to know that Edward had been there. He'd been one of my students and I didn't even remember.

Before I could stop it; tears pooled in my eyes. I didn't know why it was so emotional for me to see this, but it tore at me. Edward had been there all along, even before I'd met Emmett, and I didn't see it.

Obviously it would have been unethical and creepy if something had happened with him when he was my student, and at the time it was also quite illegal. Nonetheless, that connection I'd always felt with him made sense. I had loved that first class of mine.

At nineteen, I was shy and unsure and that first teaching experience had kind of solidified me deciding to continue with the path to be a teacher. The students were so kind to me and there were a few in particular, one most likely being a young Edward that really made me feel like teaching was what I was meant to do.

"Hey," he crooned as he ducked his head down and tried to look in my eyes. "I didn't know this would make you so upset. I'm sorry for keeping this from you."

"No," I croaked shaking my head and looking into his eyes. "It's just so….."

"Creepy," he mumbled as his thumb brushed a few tears from my cheek.

I shook my head again and leaned forward to gently kiss him on the lips.

"Sweet," I whispered when I leaned back from him. My hands framed his face and I stared at the face of the man that he'd become. "I'm sorry I didn't remember you."

"So you don't think I'm a stalker?" he grinned.

"Well." I pretended to contemplate this for a minute, but that thought never really came into my head. If anything I hated the age difference between us back then. Now it wasn't an issue, but back then it made all the difference. We could have never been together in that part of our lives, but even then there'd obviously been a connection.

"I've loved you since I was fourteen years old," Edward whispered. I smiled weakly and realized that it'd been ten extremely long and frustrating years for him, and somehow he'd never given up on me.

Now it made sense why he'd given me that book for my birthday years ago, and why he'd recited that passage from Jane Eyre to me on our trip to Lake Geneva. It had always been about its connection to our past. I'd just been too blind to see it.

"Why don't I remember you?" I whispered. "I don't know how I'd ever be able to forget you."

He laughed a little and pulled me into his side as he leaned back on the couch.

"I'm not surprised," he said with a little bit of amusement in his voice. "I was about five foot six, a hundred and sixty pounds and had these horrible glasses. I won't even go into the disaster that my hair was back then, and it was long before they'd invented Proactiv. I was this pudgy, hopelessly dorky idiot who had the biggest crush on his student teacher."

I guess I hadn't even realized that Edward was so different. He was much taller and was almost as attractive as he was now when I was introduced to him. Most of the pictures that Esme had shown me of a teenaged Emmett were of him at various sporting events. It was mostly action shots of him by himself or with Carlisle.

Edward was noticeably absent from most pictures I remember of that time. I could only vaguely recall seeing pictures of a tiny toddler Edward, much before his teenage years, and he'd been so cute.

"This is so weird," I sighed as I traced the buttons down the center of his shirt. "I'm not even sure how to process this."

"Does it change things for you?" he asked as his hand played with my hair. He sounded nervous about how this connection would affect me.

I shook my head and looked up towards him. "No, it doesn't really matter to me. It's definitely unexpected, but it doesn't change my feelings for you. It only makes me wish that things had turned out differently somehow. I'm still in love with you. I don't think there's much that could change that."

"Good," he sighed as he slid down a little and closed the distance between us. "Because I'm madly in love with you too."

Before I could respond, he tenderly took my bottom lip between his own, slowly caressing. My eyes slid closed as I melted into the kiss and I could already feel the warmth of his touch spreading through me. I hoped this feeling would never fade, even kissing him made me overwhelmed.

It didn't take long for him to lean me back into the corner of the couch and our hands to begin wandering as we continued to kiss. When his fingers started to pull at the button of my jeans, I placed my hand on top of his, halting his motions. As much as I wanted to reconnect with him physically, there was no way that either of us was ready for it.

"Stop," I panted as he began to kiss down the side of my neck, eliciting several unbidden breathy moans. "Please, Edward."

"I know," he groaned as his forehead dropped onto my chest. I tried to ignore how close his mouth was to my breasts even though they were clothed, but failed as his warm breath drifted along the neckline of my sweater. I held myself perfectly still because I knew I would rub myself against him like a cat if I didn't show some restraint. "I just wanted to make you feel good. God, I want you so bad, but I know. We can't."

He raised his head and pouted up at me, causing me to chuckle, his torso jumping with my movements. The movement must have disturbed something else as he groaned again and reached his hand down to adjust himself in his pants. At least his jeans didn't seem too tight. That might have been painful.

"Ok, I feel like I need to take you home before we both do something we'll regret, but I don't want to let you go yet."

Edward slowly raised himself off of me and settled onto the other side of the couch, creating some much needed distance between us.

"I don't want to leave either," I whispered as I sat up against the pillows behind me and chewed on my bottom lip.

"Stay?" he asked hesitantly. "I promise I'll keep my hands to myself." He held them up in surrender and I laughed, knowing that neither of us really wanted him to keep them to himself. I wanted them all over me, preferably on bare skin, but I was trying to be good around him for once.

"Alright, I'll stay, but I think we need to talk more about this," I said motioning to the space between us.

"I want to date you," he blurted out loudly before he smacked his palm against his forehead. "That was real smooth."

I laughed at his self-deprecation and relaxed a little.

"I mean it, Bella. I want you. To get to know you, I mean. Not that I don't _want you, _want you too, but god, ok. Shutting up now…."

Luckily my stomach growling interrupted his word vomit, even though it was kind of adorable. I wasn't sure how he was still so awkward with me, he'd seen me naked, been inside of me, said unbearably dirty and sexy things to me, although those memories seemed like they happened in a different life. It was obvious we were different now. This wasn't some seedy affair anymore. A relationship was a real possibility between us.

"Do you have any food in this place or do we need to go somewhere?" I asked. Giggling as my stomach made itself known again.

"I have popcorn?" he said as more of a question.

"That'll probably work for now, but eventually we'll need real food."

He shrugged as he hauled himself up from the couch and moved to rummage in one of the drawers in his kitchen.

"Aha!" he exclaimed as he held up a fistful of what appeared to be takeout menus. Astonishing, he'd been here less than a week and he had already amassed an impressive amount of menus. Single guys were so predictable, but I couldn't help hoping that he wasn't really considered one of those anymore. We'd both made our intentions known, but we'd never labeled things.

"Pick your pleasure," he said as he fanned the menus out on the coffee table in front of me.

_Oh Edward, you really should watch your phrasing…it could be so dangerous if I picked the pleasure I really wanted._

"Um, let's see. No to pizza, no to spicy Indian food, no to Greek food, um Italian might be ok, ah….Mexican. I can get on board with that one."

Even though there were beans, I was trying to avoid all the exotic spices. I did have slightly dishonorable plans for him after we ate. Now that I was allowed again, I wanted to kiss him as much as was possible. Garlic breath would only hinder that.

We quickly decided that we'd share a large nacho platter and get a few tacos. I was starving having forgotten to eat much besides my candy indulgence back at the school this afternoon. That might have explained the fainting spell, but I had a feeling it was more the shock of seeing Edward again.

He showed me around his apartment as we waited for our delivery. Most of his things were sealed in boxes or spilling out the top of open ones, but his place was huge compared to mine.

It was a two bedroom with a distant view of the sound out of the bay window in his bedroom. The bathroom was full sized and even had a garden tub. I was insanely jealous that he got to spread out in his own space, but knew that living on my own – no matter how tiny the apartment – had been good for me.

He had set up the smaller bedroom as a studio/office space with a desk and some of his instruments and recording equipment. I saw the infamous keyboard from his apartment in Chicago and wondered if I could finally get him to play for me.

"You know, you've never actually played something for me," I teased as I ran my fingertips along the shiny keys.

"You've heard me play before." He smiled as he shifted me out of his way and sat down on the stool in front of the keyboard. "You came to those concerts at DePaul and I know I've put on my recordings at least once in the car with you."

I hadn't even realized that he'd played me his own music when we were alone, but looking back on it, he did have a lot of piano music I'd never been able to identify on his iPod. I didn't really count his concerts because usually he was playing with a group or something that wasn't his own. I wanted to hear _his_ music.

"Please," I pouted as he started flipping switches and then made a show of lacing his fingers together to stretch his arms out in front of him. The way the muscles of his exposed forearms bunched and stretched sent a jolt of heat through me, but I took a deep breath and tried to focus on non-sexual things. It was hard…_wrong train of thought, Bella._

The sounds that enveloped me as he began to play were startling, the harmony complex and winding. I couldn't deny that his music evoked a strong response from me and as it moved into something sultrier sounding my heartbeat picked up with the teasing tempo. By the time we heard a buzz from the intercom by his door I was ready to start ripping off my clothes to mount him on the stool he was perched at.

He avoided my eyes as he passed me in the doorway, obviously on his way to let the delivery person inside. I trailed along after him fanning at myself and trying to calm down. If this was his attempt at trying to keep things from escalating between us too soon, then I was in trouble when he finally did try to seduce me.

It was made even worse by the fact that the meal we'd chosen would be eaten with our fingers. I didn't even think about that. Watching his long fingers bring pieces of food to his mouth and the constant licking of melted cheese and sour cream off of them was majorly distracting me. Who knew that eating nachos could be so alluring?

"What?" he mumbled as he licked a stray glop of guacamole from the corner of his mouth. I kept thinking about him using that long tongue of his to lick other things. I was a shameless whore. Here he was trying to be sweet and reconnect with me after all our time apart and all I could think about was jumping his bones.

"Uh, nothing," I blurted as I quickly looked down to my fairly untouched portion of the plate of food. I was sure my blush was a dead giveaway, but he had been distracted with actually eating for the last several minutes.

"You've got a little bit of…" he trailed off as he brought his thumb to my mouth and swiped it across my bottom lip. I didn't see anything as he pulled his hand away and was even more confused. It's kind of hard to get anything on your face when you're too distracted to eat.

"What was…?"

"Drool," he laughed as he winked at me and returned to eating.

"Asshole," I murmured as I picked up a chip and shoved it into my mouth. He was teasing me; he totally knew the effect he had on me. I quickly joined him on devouring the food, it was delicious and it helped distract me from my wayward thoughts. They were only going to get me into trouble.

_Oh, how I longed for trouble…_

"You know you love me," he teased between bites.

"God only knows why." I said sarcastically as I threw a little jalapeño at his forehead.

He pretended to look offended, but quickly retaliated as he smashed a cheesy nacho on my nose.

"You've got a little…" he said as he made a vague motion to the center of his face.

"Thanks smartass. I think I could have figured that out," I said as I took the chip off and shoved it into my mouth, crunching loudly.

"Sexy," he smirked as he got up and walked around the island, settling into the stool at my side.

"You've still got a little bit of stuff on your nose," he said gently as he leaned in toward me. Before I could blink, his thumb had rubbed the rest of the cheese off my nose and was headed for his mouth.

It was ridiculous that watching him suck cheese off his finger was arousing, but it was. I could tell that his focus was no longer on finishing dinner as his gaze dropped to my lips. I licked them self-consciously and watched as he mimicked the action and then he was on me.

My back hit the granite countertop as he pressed into me, slipping his tongue into my mouth with an eagerness that I had missed desperately. The kiss was far from innocent with lips and teeth clashing.

All thoughts of waiting flew out of my mind as his hands slid from my waist to grab onto my ass. He lifted me into him, pressing his obvious erection into my stomach as my hands went from his chest up into his hair.

Eventually, we had to come up for air, both gasping and panting against each other. The atmosphere cooled a little bit as he groaned and tucked his face into my neck, slowly calming himself.

When his hands returned to my waist and settled there, I tried not to pout, but it was hard.

_God, he was so hard…_

I knew exactly what he was going to say, and I agreed with him, but it didn't make it any less difficult to take. Our uncontrollable physical reactions to each other were what got us into trouble in the first place, so we needed to be cautious. I hated it, but it was the only way to make this work.

"Come on," he said leaning back and looking down into my eyes. "Let's go sit down and talk for a little while."

I followed him back to his couch and we settled into the cushions, him sitting in one of the corners and me leaned against his chest. I knew the responsible thing would have been to sit on opposite corners to prevent trying to molest each other again, but I liked listening to the rumbling in his chest as he talked.

He told me about finishing school and his student teaching experiences. Apparently he'd been close with a few of the other student teachers that were placed at the same school. They'd kept him from being lonely by making him go out with them on the weekends.

I tried not to think about what he had done during these drunken outings, but I knew he'd tell me anything I really needed to know. I trusted him.

Edward had been working with the Jazz ensemble and had apparently taken them on several outings to hear local musicians when he was teaching. It sounded like he'd really been inspired during his time at his school.

He sounded disconnected when he told me about the job that his former high school had offered to him.

The academy had made him an offer he couldn't refuse. The pay compared to one of the public schools he'd interviewed at was insane. He figured he could put away a little bit of his own money by taking the job and just wait until something opened up at a school that he liked.

All it had taken was walking in on the wrong conversation between his mother and the headmaster for it all to start to crumble. She'd arranged his position. They both insisted to him that he'd earned his placement, but he knew then that he'd made the wrong decision.

He looked into trying to find a job at one of the schools near Lincoln Park, but they all thought he was out of their price range. He'd told them he'd take base pay for any position he could get, but none of them had contacted him past a first interview. He suspected that his mother had told the headmaster to do anything to keep him at the academy and pretty much had him blackballed, but he could never prove it.

His parents hadn't understood why he wanted to make it on his own for once, and they'd fought over him deciding to quit his job. Edward wanted to be successful by his own work, not his mommy and daddy pulling strings.

"I'm sorry they manipulated you like that," I said as I placed a kiss onto his chest.

"I'm not. I probably never would have left Chicago without them finally pushing me over the edge."

He sounded resigned to the fact that his relationship with his parents had fallen apart. I couldn't understand why they wouldn't just support what he wanted, but they'd been the same way with Emmett. As long as he did what they wanted, they stayed supportive, if you tried to go out on your own they badgered you until you gave in.

"Why did you decide on Seattle?"

"I missed you. I thought about you constantly. I hated that I couldn't even bug Alice for information about you because she hadn't heard from you either." He sighed loudly and kissed the top of my head. "I knew that I should be mad at you, but I never could quite convince my heart that you actually meant the things you said to me."

"I didn't. I didn't mean any of it. I don't think I can ever apologize enough for what I said to you."

"It was probably the only way you could've gotten me to stay away from you, honestly. It sucked, and I knew you were just lashing out at me because you were scared, but a part of me realized that I'd been pushing you too hard. I thought you'd come find me when you were ready. And…" His voice broke a little and it tugged at my heart.

"And then I just left without saying goodbye…"

"Yup."

We sat silently for a few minutes, probably both thinking about all the mistakes we'd made, or more accurately, that I'd made. I still wished things had gone differently, but I was a different person back then and maybe its better that it happened this way. Neither of us was able to make it work between us back then.

"How did you find me?"

"The staff directory on the school website. I started off looking for Bella Cullen in Seattle, but then realized that you'd probably gone back to your maiden name. Eventually I found it. I was this close to having a friend do an illegal credit check on you," he said holding up his fingers.

I laughed at his candidness. He'd really been determined to find me.

We'd missed so much in the years we were apart and apparently both struggling. I wanted to tell him about my time since I'd moved to Seattle, but I wasn't sure where to begin.

"Let's go to bed," Edward whispered into my hair as I yawned.

He pulled me up from the couch and I followed him into his bedroom, my hand still encased inside of his. Our conversation had turned somber near the end, but I still think it was good that we were talking.

Edward found me a long sleeved shirt and a pair of his boxer briefs to put on and led me into his bathroom. He had a new two pack of toothbrushes in a bag on the floor, and he took one for himself then handed me one before he left and closed the door behind him.

As I brushed my teeth and changed my clothes, I thought about how strangely this day had turned out. I knew I had hoped that things would change with the New Year, but I never could have expected this.

When I came out of his bathroom, he was already tucked into his bed, leaning up against the headboard. He'd turned out the overhead light, so a soft glow from his nightstand cast across his bare chest. Apparently the facial hair and new haircut weren't the only changes in him. His muscles were much more defined than I remember them being. He really did look much more like a man.

I guess I'd always let our age difference come between us in the past, but it felt different now. We were both adults out of school and off on our own. In a week we'd be colleagues; equals. I guess we'd both gained our independence. It felt good knowing we were on equal footing.

He smiled at me as I climbed under the covers and tucked myself in under his arm. Even thought it was still early, I felt like this second chance we'd been given was going to stick. Time and lies and distance hadn't been able to dampen our feelings.

"I love you," I whispered as I ran my hands down his chest through the light covering of hair. He squirmed a little as my hand ran through the soft hair above his pajama pants. Even though I wanted to initiate more than chaste touches, I was just thankful to be here with him.

He reached over to turn off the lamp and scooted down to settle us on his pillows, pulling the covers up over us before pulling me back into his side.

"I love you, too, Bella, so much," he whispered as he kissed my forehead.

I tried to stay awake to just listen to his heartbeat, it confirmed that this was real, but I drifted off before I knew it, content and happy in his arms.

* * *

**Can everybody say 'awww'? So our couple is back together at last. Next chapter jumps ahead a few months. Make sure to bring a change of panties (the good kind you don't mind getting wet). Sorry for the cockblock, but you all know they need to wait to get down and dirty.**


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